I realised that when it comes to writing, I have this urge to do it perfectly, to make it sound like I’m smart, ‘mature’ (a word I liked to use to describe what I know now as ‘conscious’, ‘woke’, ‘enlightened’, etc… There is this internal assumed need to make it seem a certain way to others… Like trying to control th outcome so much… So much so that I end up not writing, publishing at all, or write half way and quit, wayyy to many times…
I wonder if there is a magic wand or pill that could prompt me to be more productive consistently, and not just “when i feel like to it”.
I feel like there needs to be structure, and I suck at creating structures even for staying alive (yah, the most basic of things like bills, money, resources), let alone structures for seemingly petty things like, thoughts…
As I’m writing this, I’m realising how true that is for everything that I do or haven’t done but want to, like Stand Up comedy; I know I have a lot of funny relatable stories that I can tell, but i can’t just go up on stage and tell them coz even those things need structure, right?
My former boss at the radio station i worked in, used to have to tell me every time to ready notes for my show, to have more structure in the way I work, and i consistently fail to produce proper notes every time… 35 years old (at that time bout 3 years ago), and not able to do the most basic thing an adult should be able to do… The worst is, not changing that pattern that had proven to be unhelpful for me to thrive…
I mean… I myself get annoyed and disinterested when there’s no structure in the content I’m consuming… So…
Maybe I’m thinking that writing can be like dancing, where ‘open, free writing’ is a thing that exists like ‘open, free dancing’, something that my mama and I would sometimes do to release stree build up…
I realised now that I’ve always felt pressured by structure, like there’s some unresolved trauma surrounding the idea of structure… Finding comfort in embracing my messiness, messy and proud kind of sentiment… How true is that, tho?
Today, i feel like there needs to be (better) structure in my daily life, structure in my raising baby Koa, raising teenage baby Micah, raising 7yo baby Rhu, and raising pre-teen baby Dante (list of kids in order of… level of difficulty currently experiencing, but all the same CHALLENGING), structure in my social media posts, that said, structure in my work, structure in my writings, structure in my relationships, structure in the world basically… I’m doing my best, but there is still this strong sense of lack in that area, structure…
I used to just dismiss the idea of digging deeper into why I’m like this, why I hate doing ‘structure’ so much eventhough I want (and gods know i need) it… But having leanrned so much about trauma and shadow work for the past 3 years with Liku-Liku, i know better than to resolve to ‘Flight’ mode, running away, avoiding and suppressing the inner work that I have to do or else they will just keep coming back around…
So, Amy, what might be the reason we don’t like doing the work of creating structure?
Maybe it’s coz I’ve gotten this far and gained so much good stuff along the way by winging it. I’ve gotten away with winging radio shows, emceeing events, random conversations, job searches, and just life in general… But I can’t help thinking, remembering wise life quotes that says, luck runs out.
That leads me to ask me this; Where is this coming from? Whose voice is saying this? How true is it? Could it possibly stem from some kind of rejection or abandonment trauma?
Okay, I got that from the amazing Teal Swan and it’s obviously gonna take longer than writing session to figure out. But i really want to publish something today so that i stop feeling like a messy human who don’t finish anything they started, so I will leave it at that…
Till the next post, have a day everybody
