Turning 36

My last blog entry was 6 years ago. Fuck me. I totally underestimated my capability of procrastinating things. Writing this now in view of my 36th birthday in a couple of hours, and at a point where I don't identify as a writer anymore... because life got in the way and bit by bot I forgot how to write full sentences that don't end up either confusing readers or just totally pointless. 

There's something about birthdays (like New Year's Eve) that wakes up the part of us that wants to reflect on how our life has been thus far, whether you're a big fan of (your own) birthday or not. Up to this point, I used to pretend like I didn't care about my birthday, but deep down secretly longed for someone to remember and wish me. It took me being 36 to find the courage to admit that openly. It makes me think, why tho. Why do we feel ashamed of not being open with what we truly want. Let's save that topic for another post.

I've been in psychotherapy for more than a year now, learned how to live better through the tools that came with the sessions and training, changing lifestyle, diet and ways of interacting with the relationships in my life and therefore improving the quality of those relationships and hence, my life in general... The journey that I started with my therapists had unravelled a lot of deeply hidden childhood trauma and I've been on a journey of slowly healing them one by one, one baby step at a time.

But this isn't an entry to talk about therapy; that could be a topic for another post. 

At 36, Amy Dangin is a radio announcer attached to a radio station, event-based show host, TV host, moderator, hireable acting and voice talent, social media-based influencer. Mother of three wonderful kids. Divorced once, married twice. Currently training with my therapist to be a life coach. Still friends with some of the same amazing ones and also made new lifetime-worthy ones over the years. 

My last entry in this blog was written and published from a really dark and confusing place in my life; I was in the midst of the divorce of my first marriage, and probably questioning and regretting the decision, not because it wasn't the right thing to do, but more because of the attachment issues we build around romantic relationships. 

What's important to note was that I really didn't think I would ever find the way out of that dark place. And when I did, I really didn't think I would ever go back to that dark place again. Because that's how it normally works, right? You fall, you break, you regather your pieces and succeed and never again returning to falling, right? Wrong. 

We all have this notion that therapy will magically erase our struggles and we'll be a calm as a monk in handling life's turbulences. I did too. Took me half a year and numerous cycles of emotional ups and downs to realise it doesn't work that way. Therapy is space, where I received the guidance and learned ways to cope with the turbulences, not erase them. Some days I win, some days I lose. But with therapy helping me find ways to express my suppressed emotions and create so many feel-good experiences within my own body, I lose better now; acceptance, letting go and the discernment to know the difference. 

Oh, I may have mentioned changing my diet, but my 14-year-old self would be so proud of me for this so it needs a mention; being vegan for 3 months. Yes, kid, we did! Who would've thought this red meat-loving body would ever be able to even try plant-based diet right. It did wonders to my mental health, emotional regulation and skin. Consistent healthy eating, water-drinking, zero-sugar and zero-creamer coffee, 3 times a day of probiotics, oil-pulling, and workout. 

Though now, I've gone back to my unhealthiness, for a couple of months now. It feels sucky. But I know I can get back to living right again. It's just...

I've been through some rough patches again lately. It's my current marriage. 

Haha, what is it with me and marriages in their 5th year.

I'd type more about that but this blog will be too long for even me to reread. And it's 11PM and I'm sleepy because kids had been going to school again so we've had to readjust our sleeping schedule. 

It's also worth noting to my younger self that I've done unschooling the kids for an entire year - well, since the lockdown started in March 2020. Yes, there was a lockdown due to a global pandemic and we started planting plants, baking cakes and cookies and finding all sorts of ways to be creative. 

I'd be a sucky updater of news, especially now that I've learned to accept an embrace my procrastination (after years of hopeless battles of resisting and trying to change it). 

Who knows when my next entry will be. Another 5?

But fuck me, if I ever stop using writing as a way to help draw a map of my world. 

I Love Food. Period.

I Love Food. Period. There's no other way I can put it because that is what it is. I love food (except for veggies). I've always been the kind who eats anything and anytime. I've never been concerned of what I eat or drink, because I was never concerned of my weight or health. I'm not proud of it... but I love food!

They say it derives from your upbringing. I thought that was true. But when I look at my parents especially my mom, she's a very, very healthy person and she does watch what she eats. So where do I get this eating habit of mine? (Err... TV commercials?)

I was telling my husband, we need to start practicing a healthy diet, because I really want Micah my son to grow up healthy and have proper diet. Of course he can have peanut butter straight out from the jar every now and then. But generally, I want him to have a balanced diet of protein, calcium, iron, and whatever else listed in the healthy food pyramid. But that must be impossible if I can't control what I eat, right? I'm already feeding him KFC's mashed potatoes. (YUMMY... NO, AMY. Bad, bad mother).

I've never give two pots about my body, even when I was pregnant because I've always loved it the way it is... until recently, when I noticed that people, strangers even, look at my abdomen area the second after they look at my face. It's like, "She looks too young/too cool/too pretty (HAHA) to have that baby bump... Is she 3-months pregnant? No... She can't be wearing jeans if she is... Maybe she's had a baby. Or maybe, she drinks too much beer..." ARGH!!!

My husband, colleagues and I are going on a workout spree starting today. So my husband and I vowed to have breakfast like a King, skip lunch, and skip dinner... Three weeks and many broken vows later, we were having dinner last night saying, "Okay, this is our last dinner," for the umpteenth time. And we keep 'modifying' that diet vow everytime we dine; "Okay, maybe we can have dinner, but with no rice." 5 minutes later, "We can have rice, but only a quarter of what we used to have."

The thing is, I love food so much that I can't think of skipping any or cutting down on any. I can workout like mad but never skip food.

So, whatever works for me, I just hope I'll return to this post with a much brighter future. Translation; healthy diet, hence healthy being and hotter bods!

In the meantime, CHeeRs everyone!