I need to be more consistent in doing something

It's November 13th, 2022. A Sunday. And that means it's been at least 3 months since I posted anything here. I remember feeling that this could be a weekly thing I can commit to; documenting my weeks and practicing my vocabulary plus sentence structuring skills, when I restarted (kind of) this blog months ago. 

But alas, here we are, well into 24 or so weeks of not blogging. I also haven't been consistent on social media with my postings and on my handwritten journal - which I vowed to do everyday. 

So, what have I been up to? Okay, at least since the last entry here. 

Mostly parenting, myself and the kids, which had been challenging coz I'm parenting a teenager, a 10-year-old, a 6-year-old and a newborn, and also myself - a child in an adult body. That in itself is a full time job. And on top of that, I need to source money coz world had gotten so fucked up that we've come to this point where money is the preferred currency for everything, and still find ways to grow either by learning new things or relearning what I abandoned out of whim in younger years. I've been finding ways on how I can marry those two so that I can focus my resources better. 

I still am not good at thinking things through, or at processing my thoughts and emotions... Even though it's been about three years since I started this journey of holistic health learning and practicing it every chance I get - which is whenever I remember, I still find it hard some days and feelings of wanting to give up and resort to perceived beliefs of perpetual darkness still come... It's just I handle it better these days, or so I'd like to believe... 

Those things that I wrote in the previous entry (dated August 16, 2022), that I said were taking up space in my head a lot, I've probably taken care of one thing out of the 10; the ant problem. And even that, I did not take care of; nature must have did coz I didn't do anything other than poured some yellow substance on the ant trails. Basically, three months later and I'm still stuck with the same problems. I feel like shit. 

But this huge chunks of time that I've dedicated to solitude, homeschooling the kids, not taking up jobs and focus (more) fully on bettering my communication and parenting skills, that should count... I feel like the past two years had been about finding our place, footing, in the world of homeschooling, adjusting as we go, seeing what fits our needs and capacity and what doesn't... The more we do it, the further away we get from the fear of doing it"wrong"... 

"Lightly, child. Lightly..." Aldous Huxley. My current mantra to quiet down my doubt-riddled mind that gets triggered every time someone - well mostly my mother and Aniq - talks about sending the kids back to school. It's impossible to see results in two years in trying to unlearn what we've learned for decades. 

Truth is, I don't know if what I'm doing is right. I just know that I want to try alternative ways of living rather than simply following what we consider to be normal in today's world...

Till later. 

Staring at the mess I made...

Just like the wires and cables we use in our daily lives, we have made life more complicated than how it should be and what it should be about...

Okay. It's unfair to take a three-year hiatus and come out of nowhere posting a really bad photo of tangled cables, late at night, and make a life philosophy out of it, unjustified. Even more so when turned 30 - the BIG 3-0 - without posting shit about it??? Hear me out. I assure you this is totally related.

I have been in a mess. I'M a mess My head had been in a rut I feel I could never get out of. My soul had been in a place so dark I feel like ending my life would be the best solution to the problems other people are facing as a result of my actions, my mistakes.

Only, such suicidal episodes did not get as worse as they were during the depressive, self-searching, teenage years, when such thoughts were put into action. (I've attempted suicide three times in my life, when I was 15, at an age I can't remember, and the last attempt - probably the worst too - when I was 18). I'm not sure what problems I was facing that made it so unbearable I had to take my own life). I have been in and out of relationships more times than I should because in the end, I learned that inadequacy within yourself can't be replaced nor satisfied by finding that need to complete it in something or someone else... That's why religion - though helpful in shaping my thoughts and perspective on life - didn't work on me in the long run. But we can talk about that in another post.:)

The point is. I'm a mess. I can't seem to sort things out well. I can't hold it together very well. And it sucks. It sucks because I spend too much time just thinking about things. Over-thinking about things. Do you know how many draft posts I have in my blog list? Each of them unfinished. I'm always thinking about wanting to do things but end up never actually doing them. Bodo kan.

But as much as I know that I have it in me to make things happen, to do and complete what I set out to do, I can't seem to stop the habit. I just drown in my pessimism and stress myself out just thinking about the 'what if's'... In all the bad ways instead of the good... I often ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself, Amy..." Because I know I'm only killing myself gradually inside and out.

It wasn't until after a really, terribly, bad week a couple of weeks ago, that I find myself picking up the good vibes, pieces by pieces, and now here I am, at this happy place. :D

I'm not saying this out of pride because that would be unwarranted for... I still have a long way to go, and Glob knows what may come my way along the unknown number of years or even hours of my life left...I know myself enough to expect to still have PMS days where nothing in the world is right and everything decides to fall apart at that exact week you're having your monthly visitor come to make your life more complicated than it already is.

But I think that's what life is made of... Moments... Throughout the years, I've somehow developed a thing for giving attention to the little details in life; moments that either make or break you as well as moments that may have been insignificant but could mean the world, that all add up to make us who we are and what we believe in... Moments during our childhood that stick with us for decades of age - the things I saw growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home; moments during our teenage years - where frustrations as results of rejection and yearnings of acceptance were at its peak; moments in the earlier transitional years of our youth into adulthood, defining moments, which for me was definitely becoming a mother, when I gave birth to Micah in 2009. I was 24.

That was also the year I officially graduated with a Degree in Mass Communication, Hons. majoring in Public Relations (aisehhhhhh,.. kasi chan ba tambirang sikit. Jarang man. Although, ALTHOUGH, it is highly debatable whether educational achievements are better than other achievements in life which could be very subjective. Let's save that for another post).

That was also the year I got married. No, nothing 'awww-worthy'...It was to a guy I met and got pregnant by, during a singing gig I did in a nightclub in Bintulu - something I did out of whims and fancy if I may say so. Nah, not the scantily-dressed, thick make-up, tower-high stilettos or platforms, kind of singer. Though I felt my band-mates did try to make me dress like until they gave up because I kept on with my "rights" to appear however I feel comfortable  - which could sometimes mean a sweater over sleeveless tops, paired with cargo pants and sneakers. Bahahahaha! Bida la ba kan kalau ingat balik. Bintulu episode, in another post. :) Oh and that guy? We went on to survive five years of marriage and had two adorable boys. We are now separated in the process of legally dissolving our marriage. Don't worry. I've picked myself out of that one too... :)

Pity party is over and now it's just a matter of us trying to settle things as matured as we can. And I'm glad that the kids had remained positive throughout this transition, still showing love for both of us and to others, - tapi mimang ada la bah juga monstrous episodes.. But I try. They give me the worst headaches and the cause of my biggest frustrations. But they're also the ice to my cream and the coffee to my day. I try to be the kind of parent that I think my kids would need me to be. I fall so many times, but these become my strength coz they show me everytime that I cannot afford to be weak. I'm raising two human beings, two souls.. I've yet to figure out this parenting thing, but I sure know that there is no such thing as too much love for your kids. I try. Though not nicely-done, they are efforts as a result of an immeasurable love and hope for the kids to grow up to be the kind of people that the world needs more of; healers, peacemakers, artists, and lovers of all kind... Whatever they grow up to be, I hope they will never be unnecessarily mean to others, and show kindness even to those who don't deserve it. Oh, and I hope they will never be too cool to hang out with their big ol' mama... I want to always be able to hug them and get forehead kisses from them... Always...

So where were we again? Oh, the cables. Hmmm... As I was saying... Cables, complicated, so have we did to our life... And I went on rambling about the skeletons in my closet... Okay. Maybe, what I'm trying to say is, life is really not that complicated... I learned it the hard way and still has a lot more to learn, but I can tell you this; a lot of the things or moments that you thought would end you or life as you know it are overly exaggerated and all you need to do is calm down, and do whatever you can do at that very moment. Wail or cry or mourn if you need to, and mourn hard, but don't stay there... Just don't stop living.

At 30, I'm still a mess, and just like the tangled cables caused by the technology-lures I let myself fall into, I realize and have come to terms with the fact that a lot of the complications that led to this mess were the results of my own actions.. I cannot blame anyone...

But I have a lot to be thankful for. I have found love in its purest, most unselfish form and it's not in the form of a divine god... I'm very lucky that I have five, now six best friends who would gladly weigh the burden I would drop on them despite not always agreeing with my decisions... :) And they were also the very reason that the horrible week from hell weeks ago was such a wake up call than it was a spirit-crusher. To be given the chance to spend the entire day with them and having our kids around, was a huge blessing which I will eternally thank the universe for in conspiring such an event for me at that very time when I needed it the most... To those who know who you are, my soul thank you for having stuck by me through thick and thin, and for making asshole moments become laughing materials that we get to look back at with fondness and warmth... I wouldn't do justice if I don't mention my family - my bloodlines - in my thank-you post (not sure at which point did it become that but oh well). Because indeed, I owe them a lot for helping me pull through even during times when they don't agree with me and my life's choices... I would never give up the dysfunctional family I have for another... It is a huge part of what made me who I am today and for that, I'm grateful...

And on top of that, I'm in a job I'm comfortable in and enjoy doing as well as pays the bills. And getting to work with workmates that turned into family. How often do you hear people say they love their jobs and even the people they work with? And I'm not exaggerating when I say we have a boss who's like our dad and fellow colleagues who we argue with like siblings. Bukan mau tambirang la but I have tried something else, something better-paying and came with bigger amounts of perks, something more constructive and strict, and my soul died... Glad to be back doing what I do best; squeezing my brains out looking for the words to form my thoughts, which is not always successful but done with effort. Hahahahahaha.. Oh and, wear whatever the hell i want to work - albeit, proper. :D

Wow, this is a long post! Guess that's what happens when finally get to do something that you've been wanting and wanting to do but kept delaying. I'm glad I stayed up this late (it's 2:42am) to write this really unnecessarily lengthy post about nothing and everything. It's been a while... :) Goodnight, people... Till the next post, Namaste - no I've never even done yoga, but in Hinduism it means, "I bow to the divine in you..." I like that... To respect the spirit that is inside each one of us... So calming.. Ok bai.

Remember, more often than not, it's the little things. ;)

Amy D.

Angry Bitch

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
Charles R. Swindoll quotes (American Writer and Clergyman, b.1934)

Among friends, I was generally known as a happy-go-lucky, cheerful, free-spirited person (or was it I'd like to think so?). And ya, I like to believe that this is true. So despite the choppy waves i had to come across in life, I tried to be as positive as I could and I can safely say that I succeeded. That kind of attitude got me through life pretty well, hence, the faith I have in the quote "Life is how you look at it and act on it", which is by me (Eherm! Haha, sempat lagi bah kan). But it's true.

Some years, more challenges, a marriage and a baby later, I'm today a much angry person. I snap like a swift swordsman at anyone (ANYONE including and especially my husband, my mom, my son, friends, turtle-slow and blur waitresses at restaurants, que-jumping drivers, criss-crossing drivers who don't signal, etc). I mean, i get REALLY angry. It started after giving birth (I think), which according to books i read is normal and would go away after the postpartum depression period is over. But two years later, I'm still an angry bitch.

At first it seemed normal and it didn't worry me. I was probably waiting for that postpartum depression to be 'over', but it never was over. I just keep being mean. And now, i'm worried.

I've always hated the way I'm always angry, but unconsciously defend myself that it's because of the hormones, surrounding, other people, etc - basically it's continuous blames on something or someone else... and that it can't be helped... And I comfort myself by thinking that someday somehow there'll be a solution. So I'll just be 'naturally' angry.

And then yesterday I came across this quote by Swindoll. And i remembered about how I used to look at life; free-spirited, carefree, happy, and simply the ability to be able to see the silver lining in every cloud, and the strength and gratitude in challenges. And I asked myself, "What happened to you?"

"... life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it." And I have faith in this because I was that person before, and it's been proven true. Because life hadn't been great for my mom, siblings and me. But we pulled through because we were able to laugh about it no matter how shitty it got. And I miss that.

And so, from today onwards, 11 August 2011 (Thursday), I challenge myself to a 30-day trial of the Attitude Towards Life test. Having said that, I'll be posting a post a day reporting on what are the shits that I'll have to go through each day and how I managed to (or not) get through them. Let's see what happens after 30 days. =D

Cheers,
The Angry Bitch

p/s: The post title is kind of funny considering everyone's into the Angry Birds nowadays, no? HAHA! No? Oh, nevermind.

Am I A Fool Goin' Where the Wind Blows?

Here is a song that I've always been able to relate to, since I knew of it when I was 16.. especially during those low moments where I feel stuck in a rut and just wanna get out but I don't know how.. At 25, going on 26 in two months time, now a wife, a mother, and a journalist, I still have those moments... I've learned that they are necessary, in deciding where do you wanna or should go next... I haven't figure it out yet... But at the moment, this song is my source of solace, and probably answers lie around in it, only I couldn't see them yet...

"Goin' Where The Wind Blows"

Someone said life is for the taking
Here I am with my hand out waiting for a ride
I've been living on my great expectations
What good is it when I'm stranded here
And the world just passes by?
Where are the signs to help me get out of this place?

If I should stumble on my moment in time,
How will I know?
If the story's written on my face, does it show?
Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows?

Here I sit halfway to somewhere
Thinking about what's in front of me and
what I left behind
On my own, supposed to be so easy
Is this what I've been after
Or have I lost my mind?
Maybe this is my chance coming to take me away

If I should stumble on my moment in time,
How will I know?
If the story's written on my face, does it show?
Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows?

Here I am walking naked through the world
Taking up space, society's child
Make room for me, make room for me,
make room for me

Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool
Going where the wind blows?

What A Day

By the time my other half came home this morning, I was already asleep. So going to bed angry was already contributing to waking up on the wrong side of the bed today.

My mother in-law asked me to help her with her specialist appointment at the Bintulu Hospital, which required me to go all the way (it's in a terrible distance) to the hospital, just to change the appointment date. I was fine with it until they made me wait for exactly ONE HOUR and FIFTEEN MINUTES, just to find out that they gave me the wrong instruction. By the time I got superpissed for waiting, they courteously asked me to make my way to the specialist's room to change the appointment date, which took me not more than FIVE bloody MINUTES.

So after doing that, off I go and went back home just to find Joshua still sleeping, which means I have to take the time to do the laundry.

After doing that, off I go to the gym, and upon completing my daily workout, I happily went to the locker to get all freshened up for work, just to find my locker got stuck and won't open and I had to wait for another THIRTY MINUTES for the maintenance guy to break open the bloody locker.

What a day!

I Love Food. Period.

I Love Food. Period. There's no other way I can put it because that is what it is. I love food (except for veggies). I've always been the kind who eats anything and anytime. I've never been concerned of what I eat or drink, because I was never concerned of my weight or health. I'm not proud of it... but I love food!

They say it derives from your upbringing. I thought that was true. But when I look at my parents especially my mom, she's a very, very healthy person and she does watch what she eats. So where do I get this eating habit of mine? (Err... TV commercials?)

I was telling my husband, we need to start practicing a healthy diet, because I really want Micah my son to grow up healthy and have proper diet. Of course he can have peanut butter straight out from the jar every now and then. But generally, I want him to have a balanced diet of protein, calcium, iron, and whatever else listed in the healthy food pyramid. But that must be impossible if I can't control what I eat, right? I'm already feeding him KFC's mashed potatoes. (YUMMY... NO, AMY. Bad, bad mother).

I've never give two pots about my body, even when I was pregnant because I've always loved it the way it is... until recently, when I noticed that people, strangers even, look at my abdomen area the second after they look at my face. It's like, "She looks too young/too cool/too pretty (HAHA) to have that baby bump... Is she 3-months pregnant? No... She can't be wearing jeans if she is... Maybe she's had a baby. Or maybe, she drinks too much beer..." ARGH!!!

My husband, colleagues and I are going on a workout spree starting today. So my husband and I vowed to have breakfast like a King, skip lunch, and skip dinner... Three weeks and many broken vows later, we were having dinner last night saying, "Okay, this is our last dinner," for the umpteenth time. And we keep 'modifying' that diet vow everytime we dine; "Okay, maybe we can have dinner, but with no rice." 5 minutes later, "We can have rice, but only a quarter of what we used to have."

The thing is, I love food so much that I can't think of skipping any or cutting down on any. I can workout like mad but never skip food.

So, whatever works for me, I just hope I'll return to this post with a much brighter future. Translation; healthy diet, hence healthy being and hotter bods!

In the meantime, CHeeRs everyone!

Yours Truly Updated

This blog ought to be kept alive. And what better way to do that than update my readers of what I've been up to. =)

• As a mother, it's only natural that I would want to update people on my son. Ha ha. He's 8 months and 2 weeks old now. He's losing weight tho, probably due to the many, many movements and actions he's been up to; crawling, struggling to stand up with the aid of furniture and any nearby, reachable legs (of people), pushing himself up and down with support (and trying to, without support which of course results in hurting himself), and loads more. He's grown 6 teeth now and more are coming out, which explains all the biting around. He's very, very vocal in expressing his emotions (a.k.a C.R.Y.I.N.G. OUT LOUD). And I'm not sure about his vocabularies but I think he knows what "mama" and "mamam" mean. He is also starting to understand instructions! Well actually only ONE instruction which is to clap his hands. Although not perfectly so just yet, but at least he knows it involves both hands being banged against each other. Ha ha. So adorable!
• And as for me, well, I'm officially employed now, by Tribune Press Sdn Bhd. Thank you Mr William Chan for considering me and believing that I am the kind of journalist/reporter that I know I can be. I have actually lost confidence in my ability to write but I told myself, "Just give it a shot" and here I am exactly a month later, doing what I would consider to be well (I've got bylines, front page news, a full-page color feature, and unedited stories published - yes, I am bowing my own trumpet but heck, when and where else do I get the chance to do that =p). I want to become better, and someday make a change via my writing. And I know I will.
  
• My husband and I, we're doing like any other normal couples are. By normal I mean it's a roller-coaster ride; we fight (a lot which probably due to my impatience and intolerance, but also because I think he has a lot more learn). Truth is, we both have a lot to learn. It's been a year and the marriage is still at an infancy stage. But everyone who knows me would know that i give on people and relationships long before I even know it COULD WORK, many a time, and THAT is definitely something I am learning to change. It's hard but I am working on it. WE are working on it. He's a great guy and I KNOW he CAN be better. I believe that. I just need to give him and myself time, and faith, that we can make this work. And instead of trying to push him away, I must learn how to build him up, and in the process, strengthen my own self as a person. =)
• As fro my faith and spirituality, I am sad and disappointed at myself for having so many excuses not to put efforts in working on my relationship with God. I think I take HIM for granted, thinking that HE is THE GOD, the bigger and stronger person, so HE should work on it and I shouldn't. Selfish. I've been 'here' before but I still don't really remember how to fix this, and even if so, I don't know where to start. And having said that, I don't really know how to conclude this part of my update. =(
• I miss my family back in KK (I was going to use the word 'home', but Bintulu is now my home too). My brother Valentine and I text each other once in a while. Mom and I call each other every now and then, and everytime, she tells me she misses Micah so much that it breaks her heart every night and day thinking about him. Everytime too, she tells me how much Sam misses and needs me. Everytime too, she brings up the topic about (me) moving back in KK. I can only promise her that we will eventually settle down in KK, it's just that I can't promise when. My in-laws are incredibly great folks and I have no problem being here in Bintulu. They make it so easy for me to feel that I belong here, and I honestly do feel like I've been a part of the Chua family for a very long time, eventhough it's only been a year. But KK will always be where my heart is.
• Having said that, I miss my siblings terribly... More specifically, I miss hanging out with my brother Valentine and sister Iris, just having drinks, chatting sweet nothings, heart-to-heart sharing... We haven't been able to do that in a very, very long time, and I long for that... Yes, of course I miss Sam... She's growing up so fast and I know I'm missing out on a lot... =(
  
• When it comes to friends, tonnes have changed since I got married and had a baby. I miss my sisters of THE SISTERHOOD and all the things that we used to share, which is practically everything... But as one of them said, "We grow up," and I've learned to accept that as we grow, so do our relationship with each other. But through all of that, I can only be grateful that one person stays the same and maintained that bond regardless of situations; Betsy. =) She tries hard to keep the circle alive, and I only better that I should put more effort like she does. And I'll try. For whatever is left of that circle, I'll make it work.
  
• Last but never the least, I make it a point to update this blog everyday. No matter how crappy the post is, update it daily shall it be.
  

Yours truly,
Amy Thong @ Faustina Dangin a.k.a. Amy Dangin

To Write Or Not To Write

The SPA exam last Saturday gave me something to blog about. Well, not really. This is just cause. Ha ha.

It was a 9am to 4.20pm exam, with a single one-hour break (1pm - 2pm), and for someone who last seated for a real exam was approximately 730 days ago (equivalent to 2 years. Using 'days' instead to describe it gives it more volume *grin*), that, is mind-blasting, in a not so good way. The one I anticipated for was the 2nd part, Mathematics. Not because I'm good in it, but because once that part is over, the rest of the ride would be 'kacang'. I ended up with 15 vacant multiple-choices rows on the answer sheet (which was later filled-in with the help of my intuition).

The main reason why I wanted to post this entry was because I'd really love to tell you guys about the details. But come to think of it, I'm not sure if we can do that, as the examiners took back all our question papers, which I assume is their way of hindering us from 'sharing' them with the rest of the world (or it could be that they're practicing environmentalism, recycling the papers and all). Ha.

Anyhow, roughly, the last part (before the self-assessment tests), was English Essay (the one before that was the Esei Bahasa Melayu, which I refuse to talk about because I laughed throughout the entire time I was penning down my BRILLIANT ideas), and there were 3 questions to choose one from. The first one was about social networking sites (go figure), while the 2nd one was about... Can't remember. Don't bother. Nothing interesting. And when I got to the 3rd one, I knew it was my niche (it was regarding UNITY). I was like, "Aha! This, I can talk a lot about!". But before I could even jot down my first word, I changed my mind so quickly, as this is an examination to join the government force, yet my thoughts and opinions don't really go in the same direction. So, there goes nothing.

All in all, it was a pretty good experience. My parents are hoping so bad that I'd pass it and go through all the levels of interview, and be a government servant. I nod and smile everytime they say so, but really I was hoping for something else.

Oh well, let's just wait and see what the results would be.
Cheers!

Me.

Friend. Daughter. Big sister. Little sister. Lover. Fling. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-friend. Mentor. Student. Journalist. Writer. Stranger. Enemy. Companion. Acquaintance. And now.. a MOTHER... *smiles*

Be Careful?

I receive this forwarded email in my inbox this morning:

"BE CAREFUL....

PLEASE READ and pass them on....

(1) Today i passed by a building which has an ATM machine. There was an old man looking at me and suddenly called me. He said he doesn't know how to read, so he gave me an ATM card and asked me to help him take money from the ATM machine. I answerd him 'NO!! If you need help, ask the security to help you.' Then he said 'nevermind..' and just continue to find other people to help him... REMEMBER : ATM machines have CCTV. If you help him, and later he says you have robbed him or stole his ATM card, or even his ATM card wasn't his too. So please be careful for these frauds.
(2) When the house electricity suddenly goes off, seeing from the windows that my neighbours still have lights, went out my house to check the Meter Box. But once i open the door, a knife was pointing at the door to stop me from closing it. And they robbed and injured us. REMEMBER : Eventhough your electricity suddely goes off, DO NOT open ur door immediately. Look around to see if there is anything unusual or sounds.
(3) This is another story. You think you had heard it before, but this is slightly different. Its about a girl, she saw a kid by the roadside crying. When she asked the kid, the kid said he was lost and wanted her to take him home. The kid even gave her a paper which he said it was his house address. So she took him home. But when she ring the bell on the door. She was shocked by pressing the door bell with high-voltage electric. Once she woke up, she was naked in an empty room. REMEMBER : Being such a compassion person might not be a good thing. Pass this on and girls, especially, please be careful..AND DON'T BE TOO GOOD!!
(4) One day, there was an old lady outside my house holding 2 packets of sweets. At first i thought she was our neighbour and wanted to give us these packs of sweets as a gift. But then when she talk, i can hear that she is a foreigner i guess, because i don't really understand what is she talking about. But i know that she is asking for money. And it just feels that there's something wrong. i immediately closed the door and ignored her.
(5) I was at the ATM machine to take my money. Behind me, there was an old lady asked me whether i'm able to take my money or not, because she said there's a button might be spoiled, and i don't know since when a small girl came beside me. The small girl was squeezing to my side but i didn't notice, i thought she was just naughty and playful. But then, the small girl put her hand at the hole of the ATM machine where the money comes out, ready to take my money. I felt something wrong and immediately push the small girl away. Then i thought, the small girl and the old lady cooperate together to take my money. The old lady distracted me so that the small girl can take my money away. REMEMBER: Be VERY CAREFUL when you are at an ATM machine and be aleart for anyone suspicious around you.
(6) My parents are retired and they stay at home. One afternoon, there was a young stranger said his motorcycle has no more petrol and the petrol station is too far, it's hard to push the motorcyclefor such a long distance, so he asked my parents for an empty coke bottle to buy petrol. He said he will pay 2, 3 bucks for it. So my mum took one coke bottle for him. He really did took out money from his pocket, but it was a RM 100 note, and even let my mum to find change for him.But luckily my mum was smart, she said just take and go. REMEMBER : obviously that note is fake!! Who would want to pay for a stupid empty coke bottle!! Its OBVIOUS to know that that starnger is a fraud!!
(7) this happened in Bali . A newly married couple were having their honeymoon at the hotel. When both are in the changing room, the wife suddenly gone missing. The husband was very anxious and went around to find her. He asked the hotel staffs to help him find her too. Then he thought his wife was just playing hide and seek or wat. So he went back and waited for his wife. After a few hours, he decided to call the police. 3 weeks has passed, there were no news about his missing wife. So he went back and his honeymoon just ended up like that. He was so dissapointed and has no mood to work and so he went to travel to other places. Few years later, he came back to Bali , to watch 'FREAK SHOW' in an old house. He saw a dirty and rusty metal cage, there was a lady without limbs, body including the face, full of scars. When she was distorted on the ground, she gives out a sound of a monster-like voice. when he saw her face, he was shocked. He could not recognise the face anymore, her missing wife's face has a red birthmark.
(8) this happened in shanghai. Few yeas ago, a girl reported to the police that her cousin sister was missing in the shopping complex. But after 5 years, one of her friend found her cousin sister begging beside one of the street in Bangkok , Thailand .. The worst thing is that her counsin sister has no more limbs and her body is tied to a lamp post with a Shackle (metal chain).
(9) Let's just shorten this story. DO NOT open your house door when you hear some sound of a BABY CRYING!! It might be a trap! Women in the house must be alert in these case. The police said it will be a murderer using a recorder with de baby crying sound to attract your attention. These normally happen at night and when you are only alone in the house. GIRLS, especially, plese be careful.
(10) i read an email that was sent by my friend. Her friend, who is known as A, went to Luo Hu Commercial City with 2 friends, B and C. Luo Hu Commercial City is Shenzhen counterfeit goods distribution center, there are many people there, its also near to the ShenZhen train station and Hong Kong's Luo Hu Port. Its says, C wants to go to the toilet. So A and B waited outside. But then after they waited for so long, they felt weird and went into the toilet to ask her to hurry up. But once they went in, there were nobody inside there. Both were scared as they called C's phone but no one answered. So they called the police. The police asked them whether they had saw anyboby suspicious went into the toilet. Both said there were none and its impossible to bring an alive person with more then 100 kg out of the toilet without them noticing. Then A remember there was a cleaner pushing a trolley in, and then came back out...the police told them this is not the 1st time happening. The police has already suspect a gang of criminals that always attacks the toilet in a complex where many people are. They use cleaners to kidnap or trafficking in human organs. REMEMBER : please be careful when using the toilet. For anybody, not only girls, boys too!! Do not go to the wash room or toilet ALONE!! Please at least have a partner with you.

PLEASE PASS ON THIS MAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS!!""

You see, most of these stated situations are ones that would have us (with the less prejudiced minds) react in aid of these people. But then again, who's safe to help, and what's right to do? I just find it sad how even helping becomes questionable these days. Sigh.

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if smiles pass off as easily as glances do?
Wouldn't it be nice if fuels can be substituted with water?
Wouldn't it be nice if people can teleport?
Wouldn't it be nice if insults sound like compliments?
Wouldn't it be nice if worrying is like dancing?
Wouldn't it be nice if people do not berate people?
Wouldn't it be nice if there are more people like Atticus Finch in this world? Or Mother Theresa? Or Mohandas Gandhi?
Wouldn't it be nice if everybody is able to see beyond the skin color, belief, background of people before judging?
Wouldn't it be nice if people don't judge at all?
Wouldn't it be nice if politicians do not philander?
Wouldn't it be nice if prices are reasonable?
Wouldn't it be nice if the word WAR couldn't possibly be an adverb, or better still, not be a vocabulary at all?
Wouldn't be nice if Adolf Hitler had found a better way of solving his issues with the Jews?
Wouldn't it be nice if people appreciate what they have more than complaining not having more?
Wouldn't it be nice if it only takes a second for people to realize the consequences of their actions?
Wouldn't it be nice if Josef Mengele had different methods for his medical experiments?
Wouldn't it be nice if people can look past their ego before taking revenge?
Wouldn't it be nice if everyone is able to see the awesome beauty of variety of nations, races, religions, beliefs, attitudes, characters, interests, etc.?
Wouldn't it be nice if anger doesn't exist?
Wouldn't it be nice if people doesn't know how to kill?
Wouldn't it be nice if people treat other people like how they expected to be treated?
Wouldn't it be nice if people are more grateful of the rain rather than complain?
Wouldn't it be nice if people really listen and ponder upon the lyrics to the song "Where Is The Love?" by Black Eyed Peas, as Hip Hop as it may be?
Wouldn't it be nice if there are 1billion Erin Gruwells spreaded across the globe?
Wouldn't it be nice if people really know what love is and love all people as much as they love thmeselves?
Wouldn't it be nice if everything I've written here is possible?
But really, wouldn't it be nice if genuine smiles pass off as easily as glances do?
Wouldn't that be great...

Yours Truly.

Initially, i started blogging with the objective of updating friends and family on my life. and that's obviously something that I hadn't done in such a long time. So here we go:

• Kinki my ten-year-old dog died two days ago. I took it hard because all family members are always present to bury any of our dogs that passes away, yet Iris and I couldn't be there for the dog that we took care of the longest. And it's just sad to think how she's not gonna be there to welcome us the next time we fly home. Sigh... All dogs go to heaven they say. If that's the case, then she is in a much better place now. Rest in peace, buddy. Thank you for making our lives whole.
• I'm in my final semester, and currently doing my internship in a PR firm. It's been two months now and I'm not the least interested in making PR as the field I'm going into upon graduation. I'm still not convinced that I would wanna do PR. Don't get me wrong. The place is great. (Some of) the people are nice too. But it's just the job. Observing the asscociates and consultants do what they do everyday makes me question myself on whether I'd able to stand such daily tasks for long, to which the answer is 'No'. I hardly have the passion for it.
• I've made up my mind to take up the offer in Bintulu once I'm done with internship. The thought of it is exciting and scary all at the same time. I've asked a number of people about it and taking all of them into consideration, plus a huge deal of my own desires and intuition, I said yes. Bintulu, I'm coming.
• I haven't make up my mind on what exactly do I want to do and where do I want to be(after the whole Bintulu excitement is over) - whether or not I should work in KL or find a job in KK. I'd want to work here and the experience I need before settling in KK years later. But on the other hand, I don't want Samantha my baby sister to grow up not knowing her sister. As much as people think that I want to go back there and work because Sam needs me, I think that it's more because I need her instead. I miss her too much to be far away from her any longer. Three years is more than enough.
• I need to work out, it's been long since I last sweat out. Apart from growing thighs and double chin, it's also because I need to get rid of the toxins caused by continous consumption of unhealthy foods (and drinks) and nicotines.
• For friends and family who just can't stop asking, "So who's your boyfriend now?" I'm still single and not looking. I just don't think that anyone is capable enough to handle me and my zest for life (yea, I only realized that after so/too many relationships). I have to admit tho, that at times I do miss being someone's someone - the joy that comes with it, and the thrill of feeling the kind of pain that only a guy you're fond of can give you. Sigh... But I'm not complaining.
• Besides the kind that God can give and the kind that my mother had loyally showered me with in my 23 years of living, I still don't believe in the big 'L' word. I hate how people these days use them way too often to explain how they feel about a person, throwing the word around without even considering how heavy the word is.
• The world is getting too dangerous. It's such a scary thing to watch news these days. Wars, murders, riots, animal cruelty, decreasing natural resources, messed up governments, increasing racial polarization, social illnesses, the list goes on... What's even more scary is how it seems impossible to do anything about it.
• When it comes to God, I still have a lot to say about Him, I still have the passion for Him. But if there's anything that I'm doing different these days compared to how I was doing when I was still in the firm grip with the help of being in a ministry, it's LISTENING. To really listen. I could barely do so today. I miss the fire. I miss the high appreciation of salvation and what I used to do with it. I miss serving Him in the ministry... I miss being close to Him. But all in all, I'm always convinced that He's always around and that this feeling of estrangement won't be for long.

For all I know, the final point of this whole update is the determining factor for all the rest, which means that I need to get that part straight in order for everything else to fit in the puzzle.

Sept 16 (Nothing to Do With Anwar's Plans to Topple the Government)

"Kamu orang dari mana datang?" asked a middle-aged Chinese aunty we met while shopping the other day. When we told her where we come from, she replied with a nice-mannered way of she "could tell by our looks." What came out next was either hillarious or offensive, depending on the decoder of the message. "Ramai orang Sabah and Sarawak datang Malaysia kerja." We laughed...

Ya we found it funny, until it finally came to my mind how offensive that was, I screamed, "What??!!!" at her and swore my way out of the shop. Ha ha. Kidding.

It's funny (or maybe sad) how some people still think that Sabah and Sarawak are separate entities and it makes me wonder why. Part of it could probably be the blame of the Borneans themselves (some of us can be quite defensive or take pride in telling how we're not from 'here'). It's an attitude that really needs to be altered. But on the other hand, it couldn't be our fault that we're classified as 'the others' by the government, right? While all the other races are given their respective proper race classifications, we're enlisted as 'Lain-lain' (okay, okay, I know I've been going on and on about this, but hear me out). I understand that there are just too many ethnicities to list out in forms and such - hundreds. But we would appreciate it if we could tick 'Bumiputra' when filling out forms. This, and a number of other things as well, could have been the cause of Borneans sometimes being too defensive about our ethnicity. I reiterate, we should have only one race classification; Malaysia. It would be nice to stop hearing people say "Chinese," "Indian," "Malay," "Kadazan," "Iban," when they're asked "Orang apa?", or better still, not to hear people - Malaysians in particular - asking the question at all.

And speaking of that, I remember Klahid Ibrahim's proposal on making Sept 16 a nationwide public holiday. Back in KK we're used to having that priviledge. Sept 16 is always a holiday for us and we would celebrate it by attending the parade at Padang Merdeka downtown (di KK ah, bukan di KL), very much like celebrating the usual Merdeka Day. It's kind of weird not having that 'here' (again, it feels like referring to a foreign place).

It's not that I'm making up excuses for more of public holidays, but shouldn't we acknowledge the day Malaysia was formed? Doesn't it mean as much to welcome new members, which completes an entity, as it is to form one? Just a thought. (NOTE: I'm not complaining. It's just something that I thought of and want to share *smiles*).

I'm sure there are a lot of things that can be done to counter this problem, this whole racial polarization (and I don't think ISA is part of it). Just sitting on it and prohibitting people from talking about it are definitely not solutions. I've always believed that education can do so much to a person. And I mean, informative education instead of persuasive ones. One of the reasons why I became so aware and critical of issues like these was BTN, and very chauvinistic talks we were made compulsory to attend during my three-years of uni life. For a start, why don't we drop that from the course, kan? That would be nice. And probably things won't get as tight as they are today if things like BTN, TITAS and CTU don't exist. Why do they anyway? Oh well. I don't get to call the shots.

More later. Ciao.

I Love It This Way

I can't remember what personality test that was, but here's what it had to say about me:

"Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural lead, who's quick to make decisions - though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once, someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

"You are more of a rebellious person that really doesn't follow anyone. You are kind of mixed up and all over the place, but you love it that way. You are that kind of easy breezy person, you believe in letting things go, life is too short. You love to just have fun and be the life of the party. You always make a big entrance. You also believe rules are definitely meant to be broken."

Friends, please do tell me if any part of that statement is wrongfully put. I don't know about the rest of it but I agree with the ones that i've put in bold, italic, and in larger font size.

I especially like the part, "...kind of mixed up and all over the place." I am. I gotta admit that. But I'm fine that way. I've live 23 years of my life like that, and it never got me into trouble. A few good friends had good-willingly pointed that out, and I accept it willingly because that's how I am and I never killed anyone or destroyed anybody's life by being like that. That is why I never bothered feeling guilty or bad about it. Until very recently...

That person - whose name or gender I won't disclose, so let's just call that person shithead and refer to him/her as 'it' - made it very clear that 'it' was freakin pissed because I didn't have a PLAN. 'It' described my unplanned method of going home as being DISCORTEOUS. I was taken aback, because out of all the many friends and acquaintances I have, not one of them ever, EVER described me as being such. Well, they're either never completely honest with me, or 'it' was just (and still is) a big asshole. Or 'it' was just totally right; I'm a mess.

Okay, I am a mess. I'm all over the place. My clothes are never really folded and placed properly; my books are all over the place; my stuff are all over the house; my bag are full of things i don't really need to carry around all the time; my timing is really bad; I decide to do too many things at a time and end up not completing any of them; and the list goes on...

But what gives shithead the right to criticize me like 'it' did? What gives 'it' the right to be so hard on me because of something that makes me, me? I just don't get it. But the weirdest part is, I don't get why am I so pissed. So farkin pissed.

I guess it's partly because no one ever say that about me. In fact, no one was ever pissed because of my character. EVER. But most of all, it's because I know shithead was right. And 'it' made me realize that not everbody can tolerate my disorganized, indecisive attitude. I know 'it' is right. But as long as no lives are at cost because of my character, I don't think I'd ever change. Ha ha ha.

Please don't think of me as being stubborn or hard-headed. But I am who I am and it had helped me digged through the lows. Life is not always sunny, and for the rainy days, you'll need someone who can dance through it. If I am to be a decisive, future-oriented, organized person, I wouldn't have been where nor how I am today. Well, I might be in better shoes but hey, I doubt I'd be any happier.

Every single person has different characteristics. Every one has different ways of approaching life. And I am the kind of person who prefers living life happily, with no worries; whatever happens, happens - which most of the time leads to last minute decisions. That's why I don't have plans, because people get upset when things don't go according to planned. Let the kind of people who likes making plans, make the plan. And let no-plan people like me cheer you up when the plans don't work. And shithead, can't you just enjoy the colorful characteristics of people? Wouldn't it be a boring world if everyone is like you?

About Life and Sunscreen

• "Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."
• Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
• Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
• Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

This is part of Baz Lurhmann's piece, Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). It's a song actually but I don't know if that's what you call it coz he literally just talked throughout the entire composition. But ya, that aside, I LOVE this song; advices dispensed in a humorous way yet makes a lot of sense.

The four pintpointed ones are my favorite pieces of advice. Well actually the whole set of it is. In many ways, he's just saying that we should dispose of all the bad parts of life (or at least take them as lessons), and enjoy the good parts of it. Every cloud has a silver lining. And as cliche as that sounds, trust me, it's true. I'm not old enough to give that kind of advice and maybe you'll feel like slapping my face saying, "No it's not okay, you don't understand how hard this is." But yea, I've been through some tough shit as well. No, I'm not talking about been-dumped-by-my-boyfriend kind of shit. There's seriously more to life than that. So girls, when this kind of shit happens to you, please don't bother posting about it on Friendster bulletins or Facebook shout-outs; there are people losing their loved ones through deaths.

And that there are many things in life - especially the small ones that we tend to overlook - are the ones that actually define who we are. Do not take ANY thing for granted. All of it - bits and pieces - matter.

*smiles* Just something I had to share.

Cheers!

p/s: I agree with Lurhmann, right-on! But not in the most important part of it tho', sunscreen.

Too Bad To Move On

A man was found dead in what is believed to be suicide, yesterday morning. Two of his children aged four and one respectively were also dead, just nearby him. The guy was in the process of divorce. It is aasumed that prior to taking his own life, he poisoned his children. And they presumed that he did what he did because of depression due to family issues.

It aches anyone to hear such news (especially when you're on your way to work very early in the morning... what a day-starter). Some would have reacted with an out-spoken "Bodoh," or "Why the hell did he do that?" Some would have said, "Kesian." Some would have not even bother reacting to it (yah, i know some really indifferent scumbags). Some would have said nothing in reaction, for whatever reason.

I said nothing. Not because I don't give a shit about some Malay guy in Nibong Tebal took his own life after killing his kids. I think it was too sad to know such things are happening. Not shocked, because we have heard such cases happened before. Note the plural form of c.a.s.e.(s). And that's what's making me sad about it. It seems that many people are turning into suicide as an answer to their lives' problems.

And it got me thinking, this guy could have been anyone i know. It could even be me. Life can get pretty ugly, as we all know and went through. I won't deny the possibility of any one of us resorting to such solution. Most people are too proud to admit that they'd be stupid enough to kill themselves. Or that life for them is too good to even think of it. I don't blame them. We've all had our shares of highs and lows. But were our lows as disturbing, confusing and depressing as that of Shaari Hamid's? What i meant to say is that, what could be so bad that you have to end lives? Life is a one-time oppurtunity. How screwed up can it get that a person can just destroy such oppurtunity?

My answer is, nothing can be that bad. Nothing can be so screwed-up that there's no solution other than end a life. As long as there's breath, one is capable of anything. Of course a mute person can't sing. But i know a mute friend who can play the guitar. And of course a wheel-chair bound person can't dance. But I know a friend, Susan Leong, who has no ability to speak, walk, or respond properly, and she writes song lyrics. I'm getting somewhere. Read on.

I don't dare say that I'm not going to be stupid enough to commit suicide as an answer to life's difficulties. I don't dare say that if life hits me hard someday, suicide would be the last thing on my mind. I don't dare say that i'm strong enough to face any kinds of problems in life. Because i'm not strong. Trust me, I learned it the hard way.

I believe that i hadn't survived a tough childhood on my own accord, that there's a great source of strength that had sustained me throughout all the troubles, the high-tides of life. Many times i felt like giving up. Well actually, by attempting suicide three times during my teenage years, i've already given up. But i guess the Big Guy up there refused to give up on me and thus rejected taking my life just yet.

The one thing that i believe a person should have in his/her life is a belief. A belief in something greater beyond human strength. Some things, most things, no... ALL things couldn't be possible without that belief in a God; at least i think so. And somehow i wish, I could have detected all these people who were so troubled in life and committed suicide, moments or a day before they did so, to share with them what I believe, and maybe change their mind... *Silence*

No Government-Chastising Today, Folks.

My fellow intern and i were standing in front of this building we work in, taking our daily dosage of nicotine. And what we usually do is watch the cars that pass by (our office is facing the main road, located in the middle of the city, so quite a number of vehicles to look at, and really good, expensive ones too). He pretty much enlightened me with a lot of info about cars (a total car-freak, thus, very in-depth knowledge). And then it came to me, "If i can own a car, ANY car in the world and being given a lifetime support of fuel for it, what would i buy?"

I''ve always loved big, bulky, 4WD cars. So i came up with the coolest car i could think of, a hummer. Hummer H2 SUT to be exact (no, i don't know that much about cars, but there is such a thing as the search engine *winks*). Bulky, big, bullet-proof (well, i don't actually know what's the use of having such attributes in a car, especially when you're no celebrity or president of anything. Heck), and still sophisticated. I loike.

But that's if i have all the money in the world lah. Damn that thing is like 5cc man. Imagine how much will be spent on fuel. Ooooooohhh...

So, i popped the balloon above my head and thought of something more achievable and realistic. I want a Jeep Wrangler. A TJ Wrangler Rubicon. I know it's a 2-door, but it's also convertible. Ahhh... (imagining myself driving along the coastline of Marblehead, Massasuchetts, at sunset, alone... Okay, okay, Jalan Putatan-Kinarut would do, as long as it's sunset time). Nice...

Anyway, there goes my wishlist of cars. It's good to do this sometimes. At least i have my mind set on something, which i rarely do. Haha!

Cheers!

Me & My Dirty Mouth

Profanity had ruled my mouth since i can't remember when. I can't recall when exactly did i start to use foul language as an expression of emotion like anger, or as a way to stress on adjectives, like how funny a joke is. But i'm feeling like i need to get rid of this habit of swearing. What if one day in the house of my future-possible husband candidate, in front of a future mother-in-law, i blurt out words too improper to be deemed acceptable? What would that make of me, and of what they think of me? *Sighs*

Some people find it funny, that i just can't help myself from using these "dirty" words in my daily conversation. While some just think that it's rude and that i need to learn how not to say such things anymore. But like i said, I can't help it. It just comes out... Whoosh!

Johnny is trying really hard to help me control the words that i use, because really, my mouth is soo dirty. So he sealed this deal with me; RM1 for every foul words that i blurt out, purposely or not. We sealed this deal about a week ago. So far, i owed him RM37. And that is only when he's around. He left for Aussie couple of days after. So now i'm using all the liberty i have swearing. Ha ha.

But really, i'm starting to wonder (a doing i'd never done before) how do people view me with all the profane words i splattered around them? Everytime i see something so nice that the word 'magnificent' just won't do, everytime i refer to something so great that the word 'awesome' just won't do, there goes "F***in nice!" "S***, f***in awesome!" "Ki**, punya smart!"

*Sighs*

If it's something that my mother is advicing me not to do, then i guess it must be a really bad habit. And if it's at the point that my mother is telling me why i shouldn't be doing it anymore, then that must have meant that other mothers or aunties, or anyone with the right kind of mindset for that matter, would also agree with. And although i've always been the kind of person who doesn't give a shit - excuse me - who doesn't give a pot of what other people think, i guess it's about time i know the definition of manners, and where the line crosses...

p/s: ... provided that you don't cross my line. Ha ha.

Panic Over A Glass of Water

No, the title is not some sort of metaphor i use trying to explain things. I really did panicked over a glass of water. In fact, i even got nervous over binders and scanning machines.

I've always been the kind of person who couldn't care less about the big things, what more could it be with the smaller ones. I don't care if i'm late. I don't care if i don't attend class. I don't care if i don't get an A. I don't care if i don't fold my blanket. I don't care if there's glue marks on my white paper. I don't care if there's coffee stains on my paperworks. I barely care about anything. Just as long as I'm comfortable and didn't get in anybody's way, then so be it.

But since starting my industrial training/practical training/internship (whatever you may call it), i find myself not only CARING about how i get things done, but more of WORRIED about them. I actually give a shit (excuse the language, the statement is just darn miraculous to use normal words) about whether or not the clippings do not have glue marks on them, whether or not the cutting edges are straight and neat (no, i really mean REALLY, accurately neat), whether or not the mobile phone numbers have to have spaces in between the first three numbers, whether or not the paperwork is binded neatly, whether or not i should use the Nescafe free mug or the plain one to serve a glass of water to a client... all sorts of other things that all this while up to this moment, i never thought would matter.

So i guess, this industrial training is good for me. Maybe now i'll start learning to fold my blankets upon waking up. What does a blanket has to do with clippings and bindings and industrial training? Neatness. Things need to be organized. Things had to be in order. Life has to be neat. Not perfect. Just neat.

* * *

This is really just to update all of my readers what i'm currently at. Internship. Fun? Hmmm... Still adjusting. The people here are great. But i've yet to apply what i've learned in my three years of uni to practice. Yet. Oh, i really want to tell you the name of this company, but i can't. They have some internet policy and one of the content is about name-mentioning. Darn.
More later.

Cheers!

Lost

When you cling on to something so hard, and depend on it so much that 90% of your life revolves around it, you would either cherish and take good care of it, or you take it for granted. I guess in my case, I took it for granted. Thinking that it's impossible for me to ever lose it. And when I finally did, I stood numb, disbelieved, speechless, nothing but blinks of the eyes.

Okay, I'm being a little too dramatic over the lost of a mobile phone and a laptop. But damn it, it's too precious and useful! Seriously, 90% of my life depends on it; it's my source of information (useful or not), source of work, source of communication, source of entertainment, source of everything. It hurts so much to have lost t, to wake up in the morning knowing that you no longer have it... (okay Amy). I know they are just THINGS. But some of it have some real sentimental values, like my watch that I first bought with my first real pay from my first real job. I've been wearing it for the past four years, and now it's gone. My laptop contains gigabytes of memories that couldn't possibly be replaced. And the songs that I've susah payah downloaded. Argh!

*Gain composure* I just hope that the guy who broke into our house has a kid who is suffering from a terminal disease and needs to undergo an operation and he has no money to pay for it that's why he had to steal.

The beauty of all this is that, the five of us who were the mangsa-mangsa kejadian (Amanda, Blacky, Lisa, Iki and me) still managed to laugh about it and we laughed our way to the police station and back. I'd lie if I say that it didn't hurt one bit. It hurt because our family are not rich people who can buy laptops and mobile phones anytime we demand for it. They worked so hard for us to even get one in the first place. Kesian bah, bukan orang senang. But it's amazing how they asked "Kamu tia apa2 ka?" instead of scolding us with the usual "Sepa suruh kamu bah tia pandai hati2!" Haha.

And the best thing is how friends are truly defined the way they show concern and support while we were dealing with it. These are the kind of times that you know how important it is to have friends and family who care. Truly, I'd never appreciate friends better than I do after this incident. And I know that goes for all of us victims (haha, lucu oh ni term 'mangsa'). From supporting us financially, to supporting us emotionally, as well as physically, they had showed us that when we fall, we're not alone. With ll my heart, THANK YOU. You have no idea how grateful I am for your concerns. The text messages and calls and even coming to the house to check on how we're doing, tells us that we have true friends and not just acquaintances.

And I also thank God for helping us to be able to see that the things we've lost are just THINGS ( i must admit that they IMPORTANT things tho). And for helping us to see that there are more important things than just the tangible ones. Thank God for helping us to be able to accept what happened and not let it hold us back but even laugh about it. If He brings you TO it, He'll bring you THROUGH it. So, eventhough i've lost my Thesis along with my laptop (and stupidly didn't save any backup copy of it), I bet God will help me through it. =)

p/s: I still love my laptop and hope with every beat of my heart it will come back to me. Haha!