Turning 36

My last blog entry was 6 years ago. Fuck me. I totally underestimated my capability of procrastinating things. Writing this now in view of my 36th birthday in a couple of hours, and at a point where I don't identify as a writer anymore... because life got in the way and bit by bot I forgot how to write full sentences that don't end up either confusing readers or just totally pointless. 

There's something about birthdays (like New Year's Eve) that wakes up the part of us that wants to reflect on how our life has been thus far, whether you're a big fan of (your own) birthday or not. Up to this point, I used to pretend like I didn't care about my birthday, but deep down secretly longed for someone to remember and wish me. It took me being 36 to find the courage to admit that openly. It makes me think, why tho. Why do we feel ashamed of not being open with what we truly want. Let's save that topic for another post.

I've been in psychotherapy for more than a year now, learned how to live better through the tools that came with the sessions and training, changing lifestyle, diet and ways of interacting with the relationships in my life and therefore improving the quality of those relationships and hence, my life in general... The journey that I started with my therapists had unravelled a lot of deeply hidden childhood trauma and I've been on a journey of slowly healing them one by one, one baby step at a time.

But this isn't an entry to talk about therapy; that could be a topic for another post. 

At 36, Amy Dangin is a radio announcer attached to a radio station, event-based show host, TV host, moderator, hireable acting and voice talent, social media-based influencer. Mother of three wonderful kids. Divorced once, married twice. Currently training with my therapist to be a life coach. Still friends with some of the same amazing ones and also made new lifetime-worthy ones over the years. 

My last entry in this blog was written and published from a really dark and confusing place in my life; I was in the midst of the divorce of my first marriage, and probably questioning and regretting the decision, not because it wasn't the right thing to do, but more because of the attachment issues we build around romantic relationships. 

What's important to note was that I really didn't think I would ever find the way out of that dark place. And when I did, I really didn't think I would ever go back to that dark place again. Because that's how it normally works, right? You fall, you break, you regather your pieces and succeed and never again returning to falling, right? Wrong. 

We all have this notion that therapy will magically erase our struggles and we'll be a calm as a monk in handling life's turbulences. I did too. Took me half a year and numerous cycles of emotional ups and downs to realise it doesn't work that way. Therapy is space, where I received the guidance and learned ways to cope with the turbulences, not erase them. Some days I win, some days I lose. But with therapy helping me find ways to express my suppressed emotions and create so many feel-good experiences within my own body, I lose better now; acceptance, letting go and the discernment to know the difference. 

Oh, I may have mentioned changing my diet, but my 14-year-old self would be so proud of me for this so it needs a mention; being vegan for 3 months. Yes, kid, we did! Who would've thought this red meat-loving body would ever be able to even try plant-based diet right. It did wonders to my mental health, emotional regulation and skin. Consistent healthy eating, water-drinking, zero-sugar and zero-creamer coffee, 3 times a day of probiotics, oil-pulling, and workout. 

Though now, I've gone back to my unhealthiness, for a couple of months now. It feels sucky. But I know I can get back to living right again. It's just...

I've been through some rough patches again lately. It's my current marriage. 

Haha, what is it with me and marriages in their 5th year.

I'd type more about that but this blog will be too long for even me to reread. And it's 11PM and I'm sleepy because kids had been going to school again so we've had to readjust our sleeping schedule. 

It's also worth noting to my younger self that I've done unschooling the kids for an entire year - well, since the lockdown started in March 2020. Yes, there was a lockdown due to a global pandemic and we started planting plants, baking cakes and cookies and finding all sorts of ways to be creative. 

I'd be a sucky updater of news, especially now that I've learned to accept an embrace my procrastination (after years of hopeless battles of resisting and trying to change it). 

Who knows when my next entry will be. Another 5?

But fuck me, if I ever stop using writing as a way to help draw a map of my world. 

Staring at the mess I made...

Just like the wires and cables we use in our daily lives, we have made life more complicated than how it should be and what it should be about...

Okay. It's unfair to take a three-year hiatus and come out of nowhere posting a really bad photo of tangled cables, late at night, and make a life philosophy out of it, unjustified. Even more so when turned 30 - the BIG 3-0 - without posting shit about it??? Hear me out. I assure you this is totally related.

I have been in a mess. I'M a mess My head had been in a rut I feel I could never get out of. My soul had been in a place so dark I feel like ending my life would be the best solution to the problems other people are facing as a result of my actions, my mistakes.

Only, such suicidal episodes did not get as worse as they were during the depressive, self-searching, teenage years, when such thoughts were put into action. (I've attempted suicide three times in my life, when I was 15, at an age I can't remember, and the last attempt - probably the worst too - when I was 18). I'm not sure what problems I was facing that made it so unbearable I had to take my own life). I have been in and out of relationships more times than I should because in the end, I learned that inadequacy within yourself can't be replaced nor satisfied by finding that need to complete it in something or someone else... That's why religion - though helpful in shaping my thoughts and perspective on life - didn't work on me in the long run. But we can talk about that in another post.:)

The point is. I'm a mess. I can't seem to sort things out well. I can't hold it together very well. And it sucks. It sucks because I spend too much time just thinking about things. Over-thinking about things. Do you know how many draft posts I have in my blog list? Each of them unfinished. I'm always thinking about wanting to do things but end up never actually doing them. Bodo kan.

But as much as I know that I have it in me to make things happen, to do and complete what I set out to do, I can't seem to stop the habit. I just drown in my pessimism and stress myself out just thinking about the 'what if's'... In all the bad ways instead of the good... I often ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself, Amy..." Because I know I'm only killing myself gradually inside and out.

It wasn't until after a really, terribly, bad week a couple of weeks ago, that I find myself picking up the good vibes, pieces by pieces, and now here I am, at this happy place. :D

I'm not saying this out of pride because that would be unwarranted for... I still have a long way to go, and Glob knows what may come my way along the unknown number of years or even hours of my life left...I know myself enough to expect to still have PMS days where nothing in the world is right and everything decides to fall apart at that exact week you're having your monthly visitor come to make your life more complicated than it already is.

But I think that's what life is made of... Moments... Throughout the years, I've somehow developed a thing for giving attention to the little details in life; moments that either make or break you as well as moments that may have been insignificant but could mean the world, that all add up to make us who we are and what we believe in... Moments during our childhood that stick with us for decades of age - the things I saw growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home; moments during our teenage years - where frustrations as results of rejection and yearnings of acceptance were at its peak; moments in the earlier transitional years of our youth into adulthood, defining moments, which for me was definitely becoming a mother, when I gave birth to Micah in 2009. I was 24.

That was also the year I officially graduated with a Degree in Mass Communication, Hons. majoring in Public Relations (aisehhhhhh,.. kasi chan ba tambirang sikit. Jarang man. Although, ALTHOUGH, it is highly debatable whether educational achievements are better than other achievements in life which could be very subjective. Let's save that for another post).

That was also the year I got married. No, nothing 'awww-worthy'...It was to a guy I met and got pregnant by, during a singing gig I did in a nightclub in Bintulu - something I did out of whims and fancy if I may say so. Nah, not the scantily-dressed, thick make-up, tower-high stilettos or platforms, kind of singer. Though I felt my band-mates did try to make me dress like until they gave up because I kept on with my "rights" to appear however I feel comfortable  - which could sometimes mean a sweater over sleeveless tops, paired with cargo pants and sneakers. Bahahahaha! Bida la ba kan kalau ingat balik. Bintulu episode, in another post. :) Oh and that guy? We went on to survive five years of marriage and had two adorable boys. We are now separated in the process of legally dissolving our marriage. Don't worry. I've picked myself out of that one too... :)

Pity party is over and now it's just a matter of us trying to settle things as matured as we can. And I'm glad that the kids had remained positive throughout this transition, still showing love for both of us and to others, - tapi mimang ada la bah juga monstrous episodes.. But I try. They give me the worst headaches and the cause of my biggest frustrations. But they're also the ice to my cream and the coffee to my day. I try to be the kind of parent that I think my kids would need me to be. I fall so many times, but these become my strength coz they show me everytime that I cannot afford to be weak. I'm raising two human beings, two souls.. I've yet to figure out this parenting thing, but I sure know that there is no such thing as too much love for your kids. I try. Though not nicely-done, they are efforts as a result of an immeasurable love and hope for the kids to grow up to be the kind of people that the world needs more of; healers, peacemakers, artists, and lovers of all kind... Whatever they grow up to be, I hope they will never be unnecessarily mean to others, and show kindness even to those who don't deserve it. Oh, and I hope they will never be too cool to hang out with their big ol' mama... I want to always be able to hug them and get forehead kisses from them... Always...

So where were we again? Oh, the cables. Hmmm... As I was saying... Cables, complicated, so have we did to our life... And I went on rambling about the skeletons in my closet... Okay. Maybe, what I'm trying to say is, life is really not that complicated... I learned it the hard way and still has a lot more to learn, but I can tell you this; a lot of the things or moments that you thought would end you or life as you know it are overly exaggerated and all you need to do is calm down, and do whatever you can do at that very moment. Wail or cry or mourn if you need to, and mourn hard, but don't stay there... Just don't stop living.

At 30, I'm still a mess, and just like the tangled cables caused by the technology-lures I let myself fall into, I realize and have come to terms with the fact that a lot of the complications that led to this mess were the results of my own actions.. I cannot blame anyone...

But I have a lot to be thankful for. I have found love in its purest, most unselfish form and it's not in the form of a divine god... I'm very lucky that I have five, now six best friends who would gladly weigh the burden I would drop on them despite not always agreeing with my decisions... :) And they were also the very reason that the horrible week from hell weeks ago was such a wake up call than it was a spirit-crusher. To be given the chance to spend the entire day with them and having our kids around, was a huge blessing which I will eternally thank the universe for in conspiring such an event for me at that very time when I needed it the most... To those who know who you are, my soul thank you for having stuck by me through thick and thin, and for making asshole moments become laughing materials that we get to look back at with fondness and warmth... I wouldn't do justice if I don't mention my family - my bloodlines - in my thank-you post (not sure at which point did it become that but oh well). Because indeed, I owe them a lot for helping me pull through even during times when they don't agree with me and my life's choices... I would never give up the dysfunctional family I have for another... It is a huge part of what made me who I am today and for that, I'm grateful...

And on top of that, I'm in a job I'm comfortable in and enjoy doing as well as pays the bills. And getting to work with workmates that turned into family. How often do you hear people say they love their jobs and even the people they work with? And I'm not exaggerating when I say we have a boss who's like our dad and fellow colleagues who we argue with like siblings. Bukan mau tambirang la but I have tried something else, something better-paying and came with bigger amounts of perks, something more constructive and strict, and my soul died... Glad to be back doing what I do best; squeezing my brains out looking for the words to form my thoughts, which is not always successful but done with effort. Hahahahahaha.. Oh and, wear whatever the hell i want to work - albeit, proper. :D

Wow, this is a long post! Guess that's what happens when finally get to do something that you've been wanting and wanting to do but kept delaying. I'm glad I stayed up this late (it's 2:42am) to write this really unnecessarily lengthy post about nothing and everything. It's been a while... :) Goodnight, people... Till the next post, Namaste - no I've never even done yoga, but in Hinduism it means, "I bow to the divine in you..." I like that... To respect the spirit that is inside each one of us... So calming.. Ok bai.

Remember, more often than not, it's the little things. ;)

Amy D.

The Angry Bitch Project - FAILED

Alas, the 30-day Angry Bitch Project is over, and deemed failed. I'm honestly sorry for those who actually read it and had more faith in me than I do in myself (and I'm truly grateful that you do). But I'm not sorry that I failed and I'm not going to justify that I did. If there's anything about me that's consistent, it's inconsistency. It was initially depressing to know that. But when I think about it, it really isn't that bad. I'm not proud about it; it would have been very awesome and I'd probably be some sort of a greatness by now if I had been consistent in at least something - other than inconsistency. But to whine, stress out, and talk on and on about it would not do me any good.

Lesson learned; not to challenge myself for anything that needs consistency, like promising to update my blog every single day. Ha. What were you thinking, Amy??

With love,
Yours truly.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 12 (23 August)

Mundane. Tho when I first started out on this job, the very thing that I'm doing made me feel like shooting myself on the head, by now it's becoming... ordinary. Is that good? Or bad? Well, it's good that I kind of know what to expect and do now. But the fact that I kind of know what to expect and do now is... bad. Ya, the repetition is done on purpose because it means exactly that. And man don't I just love to be redundant.

AnyWAAAAAAAAAyyyyy... The tea-forsaken laptop is still below my desk and I wonder what is the admin planning to do with it. I'm starting to think that they're hiding it from the powers that be so that they can save me from being screwed.

So here's the thing. Day 12 started out well with everything going smoothly like every other day. But if I were to write this post at the evening of Day 12, I would have started it off differently; full of anger and anger.

Upon coming home from work and picking Micah up from the nursery, I dropped by the house to pick Sam up and just bring them jalan-jalan. We went to Servay and I bought some necessities. Sam - who's got the Angry Bird fever, saw an Angry Bird bag and wanted me to buy it for her. In my sane state of mind I thought it would be nice to buy something for my beloved lil sister. Besides, she LOVES the bag. After buying some stuff, we dropped by the gas station and I reloaded my car fuel full. Micah started getting all cranky and whiny and kept crying. I got sooooo annoyed that I shouted, no, SCREAMED at him to shut up. Again, i went ballistic. At my son. And then Sam kept asking questions so I screamed at her. It's that angry bitch again.

I look back at what happened and I feel disappointed at myself. What worries me most is how my son views me as his mom, and as a person...

Sigh...

Angry Bitch

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
Charles R. Swindoll quotes (American Writer and Clergyman, b.1934)

Among friends, I was generally known as a happy-go-lucky, cheerful, free-spirited person (or was it I'd like to think so?). And ya, I like to believe that this is true. So despite the choppy waves i had to come across in life, I tried to be as positive as I could and I can safely say that I succeeded. That kind of attitude got me through life pretty well, hence, the faith I have in the quote "Life is how you look at it and act on it", which is by me (Eherm! Haha, sempat lagi bah kan). But it's true.

Some years, more challenges, a marriage and a baby later, I'm today a much angry person. I snap like a swift swordsman at anyone (ANYONE including and especially my husband, my mom, my son, friends, turtle-slow and blur waitresses at restaurants, que-jumping drivers, criss-crossing drivers who don't signal, etc). I mean, i get REALLY angry. It started after giving birth (I think), which according to books i read is normal and would go away after the postpartum depression period is over. But two years later, I'm still an angry bitch.

At first it seemed normal and it didn't worry me. I was probably waiting for that postpartum depression to be 'over', but it never was over. I just keep being mean. And now, i'm worried.

I've always hated the way I'm always angry, but unconsciously defend myself that it's because of the hormones, surrounding, other people, etc - basically it's continuous blames on something or someone else... and that it can't be helped... And I comfort myself by thinking that someday somehow there'll be a solution. So I'll just be 'naturally' angry.

And then yesterday I came across this quote by Swindoll. And i remembered about how I used to look at life; free-spirited, carefree, happy, and simply the ability to be able to see the silver lining in every cloud, and the strength and gratitude in challenges. And I asked myself, "What happened to you?"

"... life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it." And I have faith in this because I was that person before, and it's been proven true. Because life hadn't been great for my mom, siblings and me. But we pulled through because we were able to laugh about it no matter how shitty it got. And I miss that.

And so, from today onwards, 11 August 2011 (Thursday), I challenge myself to a 30-day trial of the Attitude Towards Life test. Having said that, I'll be posting a post a day reporting on what are the shits that I'll have to go through each day and how I managed to (or not) get through them. Let's see what happens after 30 days. =D

Cheers,
The Angry Bitch

p/s: The post title is kind of funny considering everyone's into the Angry Birds nowadays, no? HAHA! No? Oh, nevermind.

Pemalas

Seriously Amy, just how hard is it to consistently update your blog??? Ugh...

This Is Home

For the past 2 years of my life, going back to my hometown KK had always been a joy that I'd immediately update my Facebook status about the excitement of it all; booked tickets, packed stuff, and embracing my beloved family members and friends in KK...

But this time, I feel the complete opposite of happy... Because this time, I'm going back for good...

Micah and I are leaving in four days time... But I haven't packed.. It's either because I don't know where to start, or I don't want to start packing...

I feel bad for saying that because I'm supposed to be excited to go home to my all-loving mother, my much-loved sister Sam and brother Elon, my supportive friends, my skinny dog Butter.. Home to where everything is or was familiar...

But by now, familiar is here, Bintulu... Home is here, Bintulu.. Family is each and every one of my in-laws; Papa, Mama, sisters Miin, Ahien, Ahui, nephew Aaron, and Micah's little cousins Icha, Hanna, Eunice, and the most recent member, baby Adam... And not forgetting our dog Lucky Oreo..

But most importantly, my bestest of friends, my bolster, my other half, my cook, my partner, my husband, my love, Joshua... who can't transfer as soon as now and we would have to be apart for some time before he could be transferred...

It's so heartbreaking to leave something that you have gotten used to for quite some time.. But more than that, it's so heartbreaking to leave people who had been treating you so well, people whom you have learned to love, people who had loved you just as much...

I love my mother with all my heart and she knows that... Coming here leaving her and my family behind 2 years ago to be with my husband was just as heartbreaking as this.. But this is my home now... And it's not like I don't have any plans to transfer back to KK for good. I do, but it's not supposed to be this soon...

I'm just settling down with everything... Work is slowly getting better and I just love working here albeit the politics of this state and country, but daily tasks wise, it's really everything anyone could ever ask for... It's fun, enlightening, hectic yet relaxing at the same time.. I have colleagues that I'm able to work well with.. The pay is not so bad.. My bosses are excellent people whom I can go out and have drinks with... It's terrific...

And then there's Micah and his surrounding... He's blending in so well; wake up in the morning and go downstairs to greet his Kung Kung (grandpa) and Akek (grandma) and cousins Icha, Hanna and Eunice (tho he calls all of them same name, Hanna, probably because that's the easiest to pronounce)... Papa will feed him and the other girls before I bathe him to get ready for schools (the nursery)..

At school he is just one happy kid.. Greeting his teachers at arrival and then he would run around playing with all the toys... I started sending him there since he was 6 months old.. It's where he learned how to walk, talk, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, learn the ABC, learn how to say thank you, how to clean up his toys, how to be disciplined through time-outs... And he's learning so well... His teachers love him like he is their own kid...

I would pick him up at 5 and then drive around a little or go home straight, where he would continue playing with his cousins... If I have to work at night, he'd spend more time with them under the care of either Aaron, Ahui, or just about anyone at home.. And if I don't have work at night, I'd stay home with all of them, just mingle in the living room while my father-in-law prepares dinner for all of us (he's really, really good in the kitchen).. We would watch Mama's Hokkien drama series on 8TV, which we initially didn't want to but learned to follow because it's plots have become familiar and make you want to know what happens next. And then we'd have dinner, sometimes together, sometimes separately, depending on everyone's availability and appetite..

It's differently similar routine every day (does that make sense?). As family, there are days when we don't feel like talking to each other, but it is still is okay because everything goes back to normal within an hour or less... But it's the little things like Micah and girls dancing and singing, even fighting over toys, and we're all there to watch them grow and bond together, learning new things everyday, that will make me miss being a part of this family, that make me want to stay here longer... It's when we talk about the things that happen to us all in a days work.. It's when we talk about the kids.. It's when we laugh about how Aaron's sentence doesn't make sense.. It's when we all shouted, "Micah your son is on TV!" together when Just The Way You Are is aired on MTV.. It's when Mama calls out, "Amy makan!" or 'ngerepak' (complaining or something like that) about the mess at the living room. It's when Papa tells us facts about the types of fishes and how to cook them during dinner. It's when Micah sees his grandpa's shirt on the floor, picks it up and yell, "Kung Kung!" before going and had it over to Papa. It's when Icha asks me, "Aunty pegi siney?" everytime I go out for work and tells me, "Jangan lambat2 k." It's when Hanna breaks a little bit of her biscuit to give half of it to Micah. It's when Eunice cries out freaking loud and we all yell, "Udah gik!" It's when all of us make an effort to be there at home, and have a decent dinner together mainly prepared by Papa and Joshua for Chinese New Year Eve. It's when they lend me money when I need some. It's how the shampoo or the eggs run out and somebody will always buy more of them. It's every little thing that sums up FAMILY and HOME...

I miss them already... When at first I had no idea how to be a part of the Chua family, barely talking comfortably because of the slang barrier, or not knowing when to get out of my room and how to sit comfortably in the living room with all of them, I am now a full-fledged Chua family member.. Because it feels right to be home at Lucky Tower than anywhere else... It's okay to be myself and for them to be themselves around me... And tho I get to have my own space in the room if I want to, I prefer spending time with them watching TV at the living room while the kids play around..

I have no idea where does it go from here... I've been crying since I knew I'm leaving for good, everytime I get the chance to be alone, especially when driving.. I'm always thinking to myself, "Look at this place, the place that I was a little reluctant to come to, but now I find so hard to leave..."

I like to think that I'm only going away for a long-period traveling trip, and that I'll be coming back soon (that probably explains why it's so hard to pack my stuff, coz I don't wanna think I'm going for good)..

Of course I'll always be back for certain occasions like Chinese New Year, which my family here celebrates.. And I want to make it a point to come back whenever I have the chance, because I don't want to forget about this place, nor the people that I've built my world around for the past two years.. I don't want to forget how being here feels like.. I don't want to forget about what it feels like to live here, and be a full-fledged Sarawakian. And I most definitely don't want my son to forget anything he had here...

Because this once unfamiliar place is now my home... And I'll always come home... Always...

Besides, there is nothing wrong about having two homes, is there? =)

Am I A Fool Goin' Where the Wind Blows?

Here is a song that I've always been able to relate to, since I knew of it when I was 16.. especially during those low moments where I feel stuck in a rut and just wanna get out but I don't know how.. At 25, going on 26 in two months time, now a wife, a mother, and a journalist, I still have those moments... I've learned that they are necessary, in deciding where do you wanna or should go next... I haven't figure it out yet... But at the moment, this song is my source of solace, and probably answers lie around in it, only I couldn't see them yet...

"Goin' Where The Wind Blows"

Someone said life is for the taking
Here I am with my hand out waiting for a ride
I've been living on my great expectations
What good is it when I'm stranded here
And the world just passes by?
Where are the signs to help me get out of this place?

If I should stumble on my moment in time,
How will I know?
If the story's written on my face, does it show?
Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows?

Here I sit halfway to somewhere
Thinking about what's in front of me and
what I left behind
On my own, supposed to be so easy
Is this what I've been after
Or have I lost my mind?
Maybe this is my chance coming to take me away

If I should stumble on my moment in time,
How will I know?
If the story's written on my face, does it show?
Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows?

Here I am walking naked through the world
Taking up space, society's child
Make room for me, make room for me,
make room for me

Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool
Going where the wind blows?

Down

I'm in such a low period of my life... I feel weak physically, emotionally, and spiritually.. I can't decide what should I do next... It's so intense that I can't even write properly... Ugh... Where art thou, my salvation? ='(

Numb

The other day when I was rushing to make it for the 11am mass at St. Anthony, having had to rush between the house to check on Micah and the rehearsal for an event I was emceeing for, I realized that I could not make it on time, and I screamed in frustration, before I broke down and cried...

Part of why I cried was probably because I was so exhausted juggling everything from my baby to double jobs and then church. Also, I may had been angry at my husband for not being around that particular weekend to attend a friend's wedding 4-hours drive away, especially when he knew I had an event to emcee for.

But as I was crying in the car that day, while also trying to figure out what exactly was I so sad and angry for, it hit me, and I said it out loud, "Lord I'm sorry for trying to justify every bad decision I make..." I realized I place to many blames in people and situations, and giving excuses for the things that I could've or should've done but didn't, and for the things that I couldn't have or shouldn't have done, but did...

That day for instance, I could have woken up at 5am to attend the 7am mass instead, knowing that I have a rehearsal for the rest of the day. But I didn't, simply because I wanted to have that extra 10 minutes of sleep which prolonged for another 1hour.

It's a small thing, not being able to make it to mass... But why did I cry so hard, like somebody had died?

The truth is, I died. I have been dead for a very long time now... I have a wonderful life; a job I love and pays me well; my wonderful and incredible baby son; my loving, helpful and understanding husband; my wonderful and ever understanding family and in-laws... I have great friends and companions to hang out during weekends with, or get crazy with... But truth is, there is a huge void in me, and I know exactly Who can fill in that void...

I miss being that joy-filled, 15-year-old who just found forgiveness and renewal in Christ's unconditional love, and envisioned her life to be sin-free, dedicated to serving others and God faithfully... I miss that 18-year-old who discovered that being sin-free and dedicated to God wasn't as easy as she thought it would have been. She failed and fell, but God brought her up again. And as useless as she thought the whole idea of renewal was, only to keep falling again and again, she got back up because she knew God will never give up on her, and neither should she.

I miss that 23-year-old, who found out that in order for her to grow, stepping out of the comfort-zone is inevitable... Being let go into the real world alone without her usual family and friends only mean that she has to learn to find God in other people, other situations, other circumstances, other perspectives... And as hard as it was, she tried, because she knew that nothing could go wrong coz she is spoken for...

I'm going to be 26 this year, and had not felt the presence of God in my life for a very long time... I've spoken about the absence of God many times in this blog, and how agonizing it is to wait for that renewal moment, coz it always felt so long. But this time, it's been really, really long.

By absence it doesn't necessarily mean that i stopped praying, or that God stopped answering.. I pray like I always did, and He answered like He always did. But I can't feel a thing. I'm numb. Going to church every Sunday and trying to participate in any church activities in between were just, that and nothing else. And that sucks. Coz I feel like a zombie; walking around healthily but have no soul... To me, that's death.

I've always been the kind of person who emphasized on soul-searching and self-discovery... And the only way I always do that is through spirituality... That is why when everything feels wrong when everything is in the right place (or so it seems), I know exactly which part of my life is wrong, which effects everything else...

And that's the thing, I KNOW, but I don't know what to do anymore... And every time I blog something about this, I would usually find optimism at the end of every piece... But this time, I'm just, numb... =( So help me God...

Exhausted

I've been exhausted.. Physically and emotionally.. I feel like every single ounce of energy in my body had drained out.. I feel like shutting down for a while..

A LOL-Worthy Part of My Life

It's another public holiday today (TYT's birthday) and here I am in the office, apparently 'looking' for news. Actually, it's more of waiting for news, as in waiting for something newsworthy to happen.

My son Micah is with his dad. What I want more is to go home and just be lazy in front of the TV. But what is more likely to happen if I am to go home is, me screaming bloody murder every 10 minutes or so, freezing at the end of my nerve-system from fear of Micah swallowing dirt/cologne/whatever he's picked up off the floor. Or, me running around the house trying to stop Micah before he lands his foot on the slippery surface of the toilet, or trying to prevent him from jumping off beds or sofas or tables or... anything else hazardous. And the best part is, me trying to enjoy the spot or seat I just took and having have to get up every 3 minutes over and over again, never actually being able to cherish the comfort I managed to steal in the split second Micah decided to sit still. Yup... The joys of being a mother...

It's Saturday and I want so bad to rest. I could use a break. But Saturday or not, public holiday or not, I'll never be able to rest ever again. Thanks to being a journalist and a mother, both of which are full time jobs. Ha ha.

Like my wise Aunt Maria said, "You made the choice now live with it!" which she ended with a "LOL".

I guess it is more torturing than it is funny. Why put a "LOL" to it? I guess it is a lil funny. Funny in a sense that it is sometimes unbelievable how people make the choices they do and then later complaint and whine about their lives, not realizing how they ARE the sum of their choices. The funniest part is, they blame fate or God - whichever applies according to their respective beliefs - for it.

Am I complaining? I hate to admit it, but I guess, this is sort of complaining. I am complaining of having have to work on holidays when I know from the beginning that this is part and parcel of journalism profession, but I agreed to become one anyway and even claimed (in an excited and passionate tone, if I'm recalling it right) that, "I love this job!" Ha ha. And, i am complaining about being tired from motherhood when I know from the very beginning that sex means producing babies and that babies are known to be... occupying. Ha ha.

*smirks*

We are the sum of of our choices. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily sound bitter or negative.. I AM proud of what I've become. Which doesn't necessarily mean that I AM proud of all the choices I made. There are certain choices that I wished I had chosen the other path. But deciding to be a journalist and a mother, are ones that I know I wouldn't have had any other way. No matter how occupying these roles are. LOL.

Amy & Her Life - As of August 2010

I've promised myself over and over again that I would update my blog OFTEN, say maybe at least WEEKLY. Over and over again, I failed, hence, the repetition of promises. I'm a good writer, and part of that is because I used to write out my feelings and updates DAILY, on my blogs. Where did that part of you go, Amy? =(

Anyway, since I'm here now, I might as well post updates of my life and me =)

• As a person, I'm mostly miserable these days due to the fact that I hadn't seen my son for two months now. Everybody thought I wanted to send him to KK to live with my mom because I want to have fun and party with my husband. Even my dad thinks that. But the truth this, my mom wanted to spend more time with her grandson for a little more than just a week. Because since Micah and I moved to Bintulu, we go back once every 3 months and stay for a week. My mom did ask to let him stay behind when we went back for my SPA test in March, but I couldn't at that time. So the next visit last June, I finally gained the guts to let him stay. How did life without Micah around go?
• Since I don't have to feed, bathe, entertain a baby, I have all the time in the world for myself, work, husband, ad house-chores. Even getting ready was made simple, and I actually have time for make-up and hair-do! I even have the time to think and decide on what to wear instead of just grabbing what's lying on the bed. I have time for workout even! And at the end of the day, I get to watch any movie I want, while lying on the bed waiting to doze off. And I doze off in MY OWN sweet time...
• BUT, and it's a BIG BUT... I think of Micah every moment of the day. As much as I try to avoid it, and brush away thoughts of him so that I can do my work properly, he's always on my mind. And every time I think of him, my heart skips a beat, I sigh, and there's this kind of headache caused by a weird feeling, like... a heartache.. And every now and then, I cry myself to sleep, or when I'm driving and i remembered of how he's sit next to me in the car... Worse, I sometimes let it out on my husband and my work..
  
• Having went through that, I know that I want nothing but to be tired and exhausted due juggling between work, personal, and motherhood again. I want to be stressed out due to not being able to stop Micah from crying again. I want to have limited time to dress up because I have to prepare Micah. I do not want extra time for make-up or hair-do. I don't want to have time for movie or putting lotion on my body before bedtime, because i wanna use that time to cuddle and play with Micah until he's tired and sleepy. I just want to have my son back... I want to be Micah's mom again, instead of just the journalist and wife of Joshua Chua..
• Josh and I are flying back to KK this Thursday and back to Bintulu on Sunday, WITH Micah. =)

Jobwise:

• Sarawak Tribune hired me in May. And despite fearing how I would do in the job after leaving the field for so long, and despite starting off without much guidance, I must say I'm proud of myself thus far. My editor told me upfront that I'm productive for a newbie. And barely two months into the job, I've earned bylines and front-page headlines. Covering ministers and issues are not so scary afterall. I never got that chance back in Borneo Post even after nine months working with them. So, thank you Sarawak Tribune.
  
• It turns out, I'm not only good in writing (hence the job as a journalist). Last month, our company collaborated with Parkcity Everly Hotel to organize the Model Search 2010. Despite being new at that time, they, the organizing chairmen, assigned me to become a committee member and an emcee. That one went so well that people from all over started asking me to emcee and sing for their events. =) So I've landed myself a part-time job now.
  
• Due to the success of that event, which my chief editor flew all the way from Kuching for, I managed to build a reputation as a multitask journalist and mother. And to that, I got a first-hand compliment from my boss when he said, "I hired you to become my journalist and you gave me two in return. Well done." =)
• I know, I sound vain here, but I rarely do that and when I do, I'm saying that I'm proud of myself, and I should never look down on myself. *pats on own shoulder*

Spiritual:

• I go to church every Sunday and bring my husband with me. But I know that it's not enough. So I went and approach a lady who is supposed in charge of the ministries at the Catholic church in Bintulu, and told her I want to serve. I can sing or commentate, or read, etc. She welcomed the idea, but as I was talking to her, she was downright judgmental about everything. I can't remember all of it but one of it was her tone about why I chose to marry a non-Catholic. I was immediately discouraged and thought twice about serving them.
• But I know very well that it's never about her or the people in that church anyway. It's all about Jesus... And if I decide I want to serve, it's serving Him and not the people...
  
• Recently, I just found out about something and Josh and I are in for a very tough time. We're still at that stage. But amazingly, when I found out about it, I didn't get angry or pissed off. I didn't question God like I always did whenever something bad happens to me. But instead, I thanked Him for it. Because one week into discovering it, I started seeing changes, good changes in my husband and myself... And I thanked God for it because I know now more than ever, that challenges were put in our lives not to limit us but to strengthen us and make us better people... And I pray that I'll be ever grateful and that we'll look at this problem not as a problem, but as a turning point of our lives to be better... =)

All in all, I must say that I'm a better person than yesterday. And I'm growing (physically yes, but also spiritually, and personally). I 'm a better person than when I was 15, or 18, or 20, or 23. Everyday things happen to make me wiser, stronger, and better... And 10 years from now, I wish to be able to say the same about myself as a person, wife, mother, journalist, daughter, sister and friend... =)
Cheers..

What A Day

By the time my other half came home this morning, I was already asleep. So going to bed angry was already contributing to waking up on the wrong side of the bed today.

My mother in-law asked me to help her with her specialist appointment at the Bintulu Hospital, which required me to go all the way (it's in a terrible distance) to the hospital, just to change the appointment date. I was fine with it until they made me wait for exactly ONE HOUR and FIFTEEN MINUTES, just to find out that they gave me the wrong instruction. By the time I got superpissed for waiting, they courteously asked me to make my way to the specialist's room to change the appointment date, which took me not more than FIVE bloody MINUTES.

So after doing that, off I go and went back home just to find Joshua still sleeping, which means I have to take the time to do the laundry.

After doing that, off I go to the gym, and upon completing my daily workout, I happily went to the locker to get all freshened up for work, just to find my locker got stuck and won't open and I had to wait for another THIRTY MINUTES for the maintenance guy to break open the bloody locker.

What a day!

I Love Food. Period.

I Love Food. Period. There's no other way I can put it because that is what it is. I love food (except for veggies). I've always been the kind who eats anything and anytime. I've never been concerned of what I eat or drink, because I was never concerned of my weight or health. I'm not proud of it... but I love food!

They say it derives from your upbringing. I thought that was true. But when I look at my parents especially my mom, she's a very, very healthy person and she does watch what she eats. So where do I get this eating habit of mine? (Err... TV commercials?)

I was telling my husband, we need to start practicing a healthy diet, because I really want Micah my son to grow up healthy and have proper diet. Of course he can have peanut butter straight out from the jar every now and then. But generally, I want him to have a balanced diet of protein, calcium, iron, and whatever else listed in the healthy food pyramid. But that must be impossible if I can't control what I eat, right? I'm already feeding him KFC's mashed potatoes. (YUMMY... NO, AMY. Bad, bad mother).

I've never give two pots about my body, even when I was pregnant because I've always loved it the way it is... until recently, when I noticed that people, strangers even, look at my abdomen area the second after they look at my face. It's like, "She looks too young/too cool/too pretty (HAHA) to have that baby bump... Is she 3-months pregnant? No... She can't be wearing jeans if she is... Maybe she's had a baby. Or maybe, she drinks too much beer..." ARGH!!!

My husband, colleagues and I are going on a workout spree starting today. So my husband and I vowed to have breakfast like a King, skip lunch, and skip dinner... Three weeks and many broken vows later, we were having dinner last night saying, "Okay, this is our last dinner," for the umpteenth time. And we keep 'modifying' that diet vow everytime we dine; "Okay, maybe we can have dinner, but with no rice." 5 minutes later, "We can have rice, but only a quarter of what we used to have."

The thing is, I love food so much that I can't think of skipping any or cutting down on any. I can workout like mad but never skip food.

So, whatever works for me, I just hope I'll return to this post with a much brighter future. Translation; healthy diet, hence healthy being and hotter bods!

In the meantime, CHeeRs everyone!

Yours Truly Updated

This blog ought to be kept alive. And what better way to do that than update my readers of what I've been up to. =)

• As a mother, it's only natural that I would want to update people on my son. Ha ha. He's 8 months and 2 weeks old now. He's losing weight tho, probably due to the many, many movements and actions he's been up to; crawling, struggling to stand up with the aid of furniture and any nearby, reachable legs (of people), pushing himself up and down with support (and trying to, without support which of course results in hurting himself), and loads more. He's grown 6 teeth now and more are coming out, which explains all the biting around. He's very, very vocal in expressing his emotions (a.k.a C.R.Y.I.N.G. OUT LOUD). And I'm not sure about his vocabularies but I think he knows what "mama" and "mamam" mean. He is also starting to understand instructions! Well actually only ONE instruction which is to clap his hands. Although not perfectly so just yet, but at least he knows it involves both hands being banged against each other. Ha ha. So adorable!
• And as for me, well, I'm officially employed now, by Tribune Press Sdn Bhd. Thank you Mr William Chan for considering me and believing that I am the kind of journalist/reporter that I know I can be. I have actually lost confidence in my ability to write but I told myself, "Just give it a shot" and here I am exactly a month later, doing what I would consider to be well (I've got bylines, front page news, a full-page color feature, and unedited stories published - yes, I am bowing my own trumpet but heck, when and where else do I get the chance to do that =p). I want to become better, and someday make a change via my writing. And I know I will.
  
• My husband and I, we're doing like any other normal couples are. By normal I mean it's a roller-coaster ride; we fight (a lot which probably due to my impatience and intolerance, but also because I think he has a lot more learn). Truth is, we both have a lot to learn. It's been a year and the marriage is still at an infancy stage. But everyone who knows me would know that i give on people and relationships long before I even know it COULD WORK, many a time, and THAT is definitely something I am learning to change. It's hard but I am working on it. WE are working on it. He's a great guy and I KNOW he CAN be better. I believe that. I just need to give him and myself time, and faith, that we can make this work. And instead of trying to push him away, I must learn how to build him up, and in the process, strengthen my own self as a person. =)
• As fro my faith and spirituality, I am sad and disappointed at myself for having so many excuses not to put efforts in working on my relationship with God. I think I take HIM for granted, thinking that HE is THE GOD, the bigger and stronger person, so HE should work on it and I shouldn't. Selfish. I've been 'here' before but I still don't really remember how to fix this, and even if so, I don't know where to start. And having said that, I don't really know how to conclude this part of my update. =(
• I miss my family back in KK (I was going to use the word 'home', but Bintulu is now my home too). My brother Valentine and I text each other once in a while. Mom and I call each other every now and then, and everytime, she tells me she misses Micah so much that it breaks her heart every night and day thinking about him. Everytime too, she tells me how much Sam misses and needs me. Everytime too, she brings up the topic about (me) moving back in KK. I can only promise her that we will eventually settle down in KK, it's just that I can't promise when. My in-laws are incredibly great folks and I have no problem being here in Bintulu. They make it so easy for me to feel that I belong here, and I honestly do feel like I've been a part of the Chua family for a very long time, eventhough it's only been a year. But KK will always be where my heart is.
• Having said that, I miss my siblings terribly... More specifically, I miss hanging out with my brother Valentine and sister Iris, just having drinks, chatting sweet nothings, heart-to-heart sharing... We haven't been able to do that in a very, very long time, and I long for that... Yes, of course I miss Sam... She's growing up so fast and I know I'm missing out on a lot... =(
  
• When it comes to friends, tonnes have changed since I got married and had a baby. I miss my sisters of THE SISTERHOOD and all the things that we used to share, which is practically everything... But as one of them said, "We grow up," and I've learned to accept that as we grow, so do our relationship with each other. But through all of that, I can only be grateful that one person stays the same and maintained that bond regardless of situations; Betsy. =) She tries hard to keep the circle alive, and I only better that I should put more effort like she does. And I'll try. For whatever is left of that circle, I'll make it work.
  
• Last but never the least, I make it a point to update this blog everyday. No matter how crappy the post is, update it daily shall it be.
  

Yours truly,
Amy Thong @ Faustina Dangin a.k.a. Amy Dangin

It's My Birthday... AGAIN

For someone who had always give two pots about having her birthday celebrated, waking up to it feeling no distinction from every other day wore me down.Yes, it did. I remember being a student in UiTM, a member of a society called Catholic Students (CSS), for 3 whole years, staying with a bunch of fellow Borneans; birthdays were always celebrated. When possible, they're celebrated in a big way. Otherwise, it's just really foul-smelling liquid (a mash-up of onions, rotten egg, belacan, unwashed soaked stockings, etc.) usually, at 12.00am on the dot. HA HA.

Whatever it is, it is celebrated. The person is celebrated. People around you take the effort to make you feel different in a good way on your birthday, be it in a big or small way, just so that day doesn't feel like 'any other day.' And I've never really appreciated that until now... Now that I don't have that crew of people to do that to me anymore.

Even before that stage of life, my family and friends back at home would always managed to get around to at least have meals together. Our usual for birthdays and celebrations would be the Yu Kee Bak Kut Teh in Gaya Street (THE BEST).

So, for me, birthdays are a big deal. I believe that no one should ever be too old to celebrate it. That was why when I went to bed two nights ago, a yearning set in. I just wanted so bad to celebrate it. Woke up the next day, the yearning is still there.

Instead of letting that feeling ate me up, I put on a bright attitude, played OMC's How Bizarre on loud speaker and started dancing to it. I felt good. I thought to myself, "It's not how it is celebrated. It is how YOU celebrate yourself." So my believe shifted; it really is about the kind of attitude you bring into the day.

My mother-in-law got me a lovely purple comforter as a gift. My mother reloaded phone credit. I got a note from my husband (which was special coz he never writes to me *smiles*), I received calls from my brother, sisters (Sam was just sobbing on the phone, sad that it's my birthday yet she can't celebrate it with me. Sigh...), mother, and from my best friends. And more virtual wishes via Facebook.

But the most memorable moment of my birthday this year, was when my father, practically 'estranged', sent me a text message, saying;

"Mommy told me that it's your BIRTHDAY TODAY. I'm sorry I never give you any present, but my love and prayer goes to you, dear daughter."

And I immediately teared up... I wasn't sure if it was the frustration for feeling frustrated with Micah prior to that SMS, or the fact that I was kind of down for not being 'celebrated'. But I just cried and cried for a while. That was really something. That was everything. My father, who never wished me anything despite already having 24 birthdays, remembered, and wished me... Priceless.

Knowing the person my father is, it must have taken him a lot of courage and ego pushed aside for him to even wish me. So to me, this one is more than anything I could ever wish for. Bless you, Pa. =)

All in all, it's a typical yet meaningful birthday. It was no hu-ha, but I appreciate it just the way it was. Although really foul-smelling liquid (a mash-up of onions, rotten egg, belacan, unwashed soaked stockings, etc.) usually, at 12.00am on the dot, would have been nice. Ha ha.

Cheers everyone.

Being Mother Amy

"So how's life as a mom?" I get asked a lot. "Oh, it's wonderful, life-changing, beautiful.." comes my reply. But we've heard that part already, right? Now here's the real deal... WARNING: For those of you who aspire to become a mother, do not read on. It may crush your dreams. Ha ha.

It's time-consuming. My life revolves around my baby, Micah, literally. I can't bathe, eat, go online, sleep, or do anything for that matter, on my own accord. I had to follow Micah's time. He had to be fed first, he had to be bathed first, he had to doze off (with me help obviously) first. Thank God for my wonderful mom and dad in-law who would voluntarily look after him when I need to eat. They'd ask, "Sudah makan kah? Pigi makan dulu lah, mari saya jaga dia skejap." Hihi. Nice folks. Love them to bits.

Coming to five months old, his interest had expanded beyond his mom's breasts and arms, so he would deliberately extend his hands to touch stuffs, reach out to things, roll over, and when he can't, he would call out for assistance from anybody who can hear him. Of course, that would most of the time be me. His dad helps entertain his attention-seeking habit every now and then, but I had to do most of the survival life-skills tasks like feeding and bathing and washing after he poops.

Out of this daily time-consuming and 100%-attention-required tasks, I still do have a life. Oh yes, I still get to watch TV, and blog (although this one takes almost four hours if not more, due to having to stop in the middle of sentences to yell out, "Micah! The books will fall on you and that's gonna hurt!" or "Micah! That's glass!" or "Micah! You'll fall and hurt yourself!" All of these later made me realize that he's only FIVE MONTHS OLD and understands NONE of what I just said, which means that I had to get up from my seat and go pick him up. Upon picking him up, I tried to finish my sentences while carrying him on my lap, but he starts touching this and that, pulling wires and banging on the keypad, so I had to stop again and keep him away from things. Hold on, I have to go feed him, and maybe, just maybe, I can continue my post in between feeding him and giving him a bath. I will then put him to sleep so I can contitnue writing in peace). *smiles*

SIX HOURS LATER...

Where was I again? Oh yeah, I still get to watch TV, and blog. I read while feeding him because that is one of the activities that require very little movement. Once I've put him to sleep, I'd rush to do the laundry, take out the garbage, and bathe myself. Then again, it depends on how long he sleeps, which varies from 5 minutes to two hours.

I still get to hang out at music cafes with my husband... and Micah. It's a pretty weird sight to see a couple sipping beer with a stroller beside the table, but ya we do that. We still get to go to barbeques and such and hang out at friends' places, with Micah tagging along. We still have fun sometimes, but there are days that it gets hard, like when he refuses to be put down wanting to be held ALL the time, or when he's sleepy which makes him cranky but he just wouldn't doze off.

I also need to watch what I drink due to breastfeeding. But that dilemma would pretty soon be over once he learns that lacthing on to mommy's breasts is not the most valuable thing in the world. Ha ha.

Honestly, I get annoyed by him sometimes, especially when he won't stop crying and I have not the slightest idea of what he wants. My tone of voice would subconsciously turn higher when asking him to shush it. But then I would come to my senses that he's only a baby and that he's crying because he's probably in a more uncomfortable state than I am, and pray my mantra, "Lord, Love, Strength, and Patience NOW." And it would cool me down.

When I whine about being exhausting and wanting my privacy back to my aunts and fellow mommy friends, they can only say, "Wait till he starts to walk." *gulps*

But then again, it got me thinking, "Walking? Walking..." And then it would be running, then starting school, graduating, smoking, having a girlfriend, having sex, working, getting married... *closes eyes and stops imagining*

I find myself tearing up... I realize that he's only going to be a baby for a very short time. The next thing you know, he's all grown up and thinks that your opinion does't matter and thinks that he can take care of himself... There will come a day when I can't just hold him and cuddle him like I can now, when he starts to think that getting a kiss from mommy is not cool and embarassing... Oh, the terror...

It is at times like these that I appreciate him for who and what he is. He might take up all my time, energy and attention, and that might piss me off sometimes. But on days that I'm not annoyed and less selfish, I feel nothing but love for him and all I want to do is give him all the attention he wants and needs. I just want to hold him day to night and watch him smile, laugh, cry and giggle. I love to hear him coo, although one day I bet I'd find myself asking him not to talk so much. But for now, he can coo all he wants because I love to hear it.

So there you have it, the detailed answer of what being a mom is like. It's not all rainbows and butterflies, as it does get hard sometimes. But none of the hard times are worth giving up for the beauty of having a baby. That, I can assure you.

Gotta go now, for he awakes!

Cheers!

If You've Been Reading ME... - An Update

After what seemed like forever of not 'properly' updating my blog, I guess I owe that to you, my readers. Before that, the reasons why I hadn't been able to do so was;
1) I didn't have the necessary device and proper Internet connection to do so.
2) This excuse of course can be solved by going to the nearby Cybercafes, BUT, I didn't have the time, if not convenience, to do that.
3) Well, even if the first two excuses are unreasonable, I just couldn't write as well as I did. Extra info: Expectant mothers' brain fats get sucked somewhere along the pregnancy, which is why it is wise for mothers-to-be to consume as much Omega-3 supplements as they can. As well as after the birth. I didn't take that info seriously, until I realized I forgot the English word for 'garpu' and totally misarranged my IC number. Bottomline, I can't write as well anymore due to the fact that my brain shrunk and I dropped quite a number of vocabularies along the way.

So, if you're reading this yet had not the slightest idea of what am I talking about, in case you had no interest in knowing that Amy got knocked up (sure glad the commotion is over) and her son is now coming to three months old, OR, has no idea who Amy is, keep reading. I'll fill you in *smiles*.

I'm Amy Dangin. I'm 24 this year, married and a mother of an adorable 3-month-old boy, Micah. I've had this blog since March last year, and another four-year-old blog via Friendster. I wrote mostly about my personal thoughts and opinion, on life, love, politics, spirituality, as well as rant about my daily life back then. I loved it. I loved putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I would say I'm in my element whenever I be in my blog. This blog is ME. It would be a shame if I let other things and priorities get in the way of it and give up on it completely.

If you've been reading my past posts, you'd probably have laughed, cried, criticized, argued, disagreed, agreed, adviced, and so on. If you've been reading me, you would know that I can and I would write even about the smallest of things if only I feel like it. You would know that I don't fancy the ruling party of this country that much. You would know that I don't agree to the racial classification of this country. You would know that I've loved and been love in return. You would know that I had my fair share of relationships. You would know that I love my mother with all my heart and want nothing but the best for her, yet argue with her countless of times. You would know that one of my biggest concerns is my faith in God and His in me. You would know that I'm stubborn. If you've been reading me, you would know that THIS, HERE, TODAY, was not WHAT, WHERE, nor WHEN I wanted to be... *smiles*

All I was looking for was a short-term experience. But I fell in love (if you've been reading me, you would know that LOVE is an issue for me, and admitting to feeling it was and still is unlikely of me), and I acted on it, with an unexpected result. Yes, my baby was unplanned. But when Joshua and I found out that we're pregnant, we welcomed the news with smiles that meant an anxious joy. I'd lie if I say that we were all rainbows and sunshine. There was fear of how our parents would respond, as well as fear of how our future was now altered not so much to our liking.

It was a lot of bumps from then on. I questioned his liability as a husband and a father many times, mostly due to my hormonal condition. He patiently stood by me and did his best to make me happy and give us what we need. My family that I had underrated was a big supporter afterall. His parents and mine were still the loving people whom we knew them to be.

A year, many tears and laughters alike, dreams, hopes, expectations and many fears later, here we are. Here I am. Still a my mother's daughter, now a mother myself, a wife, still with same hopes and dreams - maybe slightly altered - and still writing... *smiles*

Me.

Friend. Daughter. Big sister. Little sister. Lover. Fling. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-friend. Mentor. Student. Journalist. Writer. Stranger. Enemy. Companion. Acquaintance. And now.. a MOTHER... *smiles*