Turning 36

My last blog entry was 6 years ago. Fuck me. I totally underestimated my capability of procrastinating things. Writing this now in view of my 36th birthday in a couple of hours, and at a point where I don't identify as a writer anymore... because life got in the way and bit by bot I forgot how to write full sentences that don't end up either confusing readers or just totally pointless. 

There's something about birthdays (like New Year's Eve) that wakes up the part of us that wants to reflect on how our life has been thus far, whether you're a big fan of (your own) birthday or not. Up to this point, I used to pretend like I didn't care about my birthday, but deep down secretly longed for someone to remember and wish me. It took me being 36 to find the courage to admit that openly. It makes me think, why tho. Why do we feel ashamed of not being open with what we truly want. Let's save that topic for another post.

I've been in psychotherapy for more than a year now, learned how to live better through the tools that came with the sessions and training, changing lifestyle, diet and ways of interacting with the relationships in my life and therefore improving the quality of those relationships and hence, my life in general... The journey that I started with my therapists had unravelled a lot of deeply hidden childhood trauma and I've been on a journey of slowly healing them one by one, one baby step at a time.

But this isn't an entry to talk about therapy; that could be a topic for another post. 

At 36, Amy Dangin is a radio announcer attached to a radio station, event-based show host, TV host, moderator, hireable acting and voice talent, social media-based influencer. Mother of three wonderful kids. Divorced once, married twice. Currently training with my therapist to be a life coach. Still friends with some of the same amazing ones and also made new lifetime-worthy ones over the years. 

My last entry in this blog was written and published from a really dark and confusing place in my life; I was in the midst of the divorce of my first marriage, and probably questioning and regretting the decision, not because it wasn't the right thing to do, but more because of the attachment issues we build around romantic relationships. 

What's important to note was that I really didn't think I would ever find the way out of that dark place. And when I did, I really didn't think I would ever go back to that dark place again. Because that's how it normally works, right? You fall, you break, you regather your pieces and succeed and never again returning to falling, right? Wrong. 

We all have this notion that therapy will magically erase our struggles and we'll be a calm as a monk in handling life's turbulences. I did too. Took me half a year and numerous cycles of emotional ups and downs to realise it doesn't work that way. Therapy is space, where I received the guidance and learned ways to cope with the turbulences, not erase them. Some days I win, some days I lose. But with therapy helping me find ways to express my suppressed emotions and create so many feel-good experiences within my own body, I lose better now; acceptance, letting go and the discernment to know the difference. 

Oh, I may have mentioned changing my diet, but my 14-year-old self would be so proud of me for this so it needs a mention; being vegan for 3 months. Yes, kid, we did! Who would've thought this red meat-loving body would ever be able to even try plant-based diet right. It did wonders to my mental health, emotional regulation and skin. Consistent healthy eating, water-drinking, zero-sugar and zero-creamer coffee, 3 times a day of probiotics, oil-pulling, and workout. 

Though now, I've gone back to my unhealthiness, for a couple of months now. It feels sucky. But I know I can get back to living right again. It's just...

I've been through some rough patches again lately. It's my current marriage. 

Haha, what is it with me and marriages in their 5th year.

I'd type more about that but this blog will be too long for even me to reread. And it's 11PM and I'm sleepy because kids had been going to school again so we've had to readjust our sleeping schedule. 

It's also worth noting to my younger self that I've done unschooling the kids for an entire year - well, since the lockdown started in March 2020. Yes, there was a lockdown due to a global pandemic and we started planting plants, baking cakes and cookies and finding all sorts of ways to be creative. 

I'd be a sucky updater of news, especially now that I've learned to accept an embrace my procrastination (after years of hopeless battles of resisting and trying to change it). 

Who knows when my next entry will be. Another 5?

But fuck me, if I ever stop using writing as a way to help draw a map of my world. 

Staring at the mess I made...

Just like the wires and cables we use in our daily lives, we have made life more complicated than how it should be and what it should be about...

Okay. It's unfair to take a three-year hiatus and come out of nowhere posting a really bad photo of tangled cables, late at night, and make a life philosophy out of it, unjustified. Even more so when turned 30 - the BIG 3-0 - without posting shit about it??? Hear me out. I assure you this is totally related.

I have been in a mess. I'M a mess My head had been in a rut I feel I could never get out of. My soul had been in a place so dark I feel like ending my life would be the best solution to the problems other people are facing as a result of my actions, my mistakes.

Only, such suicidal episodes did not get as worse as they were during the depressive, self-searching, teenage years, when such thoughts were put into action. (I've attempted suicide three times in my life, when I was 15, at an age I can't remember, and the last attempt - probably the worst too - when I was 18). I'm not sure what problems I was facing that made it so unbearable I had to take my own life). I have been in and out of relationships more times than I should because in the end, I learned that inadequacy within yourself can't be replaced nor satisfied by finding that need to complete it in something or someone else... That's why religion - though helpful in shaping my thoughts and perspective on life - didn't work on me in the long run. But we can talk about that in another post.:)

The point is. I'm a mess. I can't seem to sort things out well. I can't hold it together very well. And it sucks. It sucks because I spend too much time just thinking about things. Over-thinking about things. Do you know how many draft posts I have in my blog list? Each of them unfinished. I'm always thinking about wanting to do things but end up never actually doing them. Bodo kan.

But as much as I know that I have it in me to make things happen, to do and complete what I set out to do, I can't seem to stop the habit. I just drown in my pessimism and stress myself out just thinking about the 'what if's'... In all the bad ways instead of the good... I often ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself, Amy..." Because I know I'm only killing myself gradually inside and out.

It wasn't until after a really, terribly, bad week a couple of weeks ago, that I find myself picking up the good vibes, pieces by pieces, and now here I am, at this happy place. :D

I'm not saying this out of pride because that would be unwarranted for... I still have a long way to go, and Glob knows what may come my way along the unknown number of years or even hours of my life left...I know myself enough to expect to still have PMS days where nothing in the world is right and everything decides to fall apart at that exact week you're having your monthly visitor come to make your life more complicated than it already is.

But I think that's what life is made of... Moments... Throughout the years, I've somehow developed a thing for giving attention to the little details in life; moments that either make or break you as well as moments that may have been insignificant but could mean the world, that all add up to make us who we are and what we believe in... Moments during our childhood that stick with us for decades of age - the things I saw growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home; moments during our teenage years - where frustrations as results of rejection and yearnings of acceptance were at its peak; moments in the earlier transitional years of our youth into adulthood, defining moments, which for me was definitely becoming a mother, when I gave birth to Micah in 2009. I was 24.

That was also the year I officially graduated with a Degree in Mass Communication, Hons. majoring in Public Relations (aisehhhhhh,.. kasi chan ba tambirang sikit. Jarang man. Although, ALTHOUGH, it is highly debatable whether educational achievements are better than other achievements in life which could be very subjective. Let's save that for another post).

That was also the year I got married. No, nothing 'awww-worthy'...It was to a guy I met and got pregnant by, during a singing gig I did in a nightclub in Bintulu - something I did out of whims and fancy if I may say so. Nah, not the scantily-dressed, thick make-up, tower-high stilettos or platforms, kind of singer. Though I felt my band-mates did try to make me dress like until they gave up because I kept on with my "rights" to appear however I feel comfortable  - which could sometimes mean a sweater over sleeveless tops, paired with cargo pants and sneakers. Bahahahaha! Bida la ba kan kalau ingat balik. Bintulu episode, in another post. :) Oh and that guy? We went on to survive five years of marriage and had two adorable boys. We are now separated in the process of legally dissolving our marriage. Don't worry. I've picked myself out of that one too... :)

Pity party is over and now it's just a matter of us trying to settle things as matured as we can. And I'm glad that the kids had remained positive throughout this transition, still showing love for both of us and to others, - tapi mimang ada la bah juga monstrous episodes.. But I try. They give me the worst headaches and the cause of my biggest frustrations. But they're also the ice to my cream and the coffee to my day. I try to be the kind of parent that I think my kids would need me to be. I fall so many times, but these become my strength coz they show me everytime that I cannot afford to be weak. I'm raising two human beings, two souls.. I've yet to figure out this parenting thing, but I sure know that there is no such thing as too much love for your kids. I try. Though not nicely-done, they are efforts as a result of an immeasurable love and hope for the kids to grow up to be the kind of people that the world needs more of; healers, peacemakers, artists, and lovers of all kind... Whatever they grow up to be, I hope they will never be unnecessarily mean to others, and show kindness even to those who don't deserve it. Oh, and I hope they will never be too cool to hang out with their big ol' mama... I want to always be able to hug them and get forehead kisses from them... Always...

So where were we again? Oh, the cables. Hmmm... As I was saying... Cables, complicated, so have we did to our life... And I went on rambling about the skeletons in my closet... Okay. Maybe, what I'm trying to say is, life is really not that complicated... I learned it the hard way and still has a lot more to learn, but I can tell you this; a lot of the things or moments that you thought would end you or life as you know it are overly exaggerated and all you need to do is calm down, and do whatever you can do at that very moment. Wail or cry or mourn if you need to, and mourn hard, but don't stay there... Just don't stop living.

At 30, I'm still a mess, and just like the tangled cables caused by the technology-lures I let myself fall into, I realize and have come to terms with the fact that a lot of the complications that led to this mess were the results of my own actions.. I cannot blame anyone...

But I have a lot to be thankful for. I have found love in its purest, most unselfish form and it's not in the form of a divine god... I'm very lucky that I have five, now six best friends who would gladly weigh the burden I would drop on them despite not always agreeing with my decisions... :) And they were also the very reason that the horrible week from hell weeks ago was such a wake up call than it was a spirit-crusher. To be given the chance to spend the entire day with them and having our kids around, was a huge blessing which I will eternally thank the universe for in conspiring such an event for me at that very time when I needed it the most... To those who know who you are, my soul thank you for having stuck by me through thick and thin, and for making asshole moments become laughing materials that we get to look back at with fondness and warmth... I wouldn't do justice if I don't mention my family - my bloodlines - in my thank-you post (not sure at which point did it become that but oh well). Because indeed, I owe them a lot for helping me pull through even during times when they don't agree with me and my life's choices... I would never give up the dysfunctional family I have for another... It is a huge part of what made me who I am today and for that, I'm grateful...

And on top of that, I'm in a job I'm comfortable in and enjoy doing as well as pays the bills. And getting to work with workmates that turned into family. How often do you hear people say they love their jobs and even the people they work with? And I'm not exaggerating when I say we have a boss who's like our dad and fellow colleagues who we argue with like siblings. Bukan mau tambirang la but I have tried something else, something better-paying and came with bigger amounts of perks, something more constructive and strict, and my soul died... Glad to be back doing what I do best; squeezing my brains out looking for the words to form my thoughts, which is not always successful but done with effort. Hahahahahaha.. Oh and, wear whatever the hell i want to work - albeit, proper. :D

Wow, this is a long post! Guess that's what happens when finally get to do something that you've been wanting and wanting to do but kept delaying. I'm glad I stayed up this late (it's 2:42am) to write this really unnecessarily lengthy post about nothing and everything. It's been a while... :) Goodnight, people... Till the next post, Namaste - no I've never even done yoga, but in Hinduism it means, "I bow to the divine in you..." I like that... To respect the spirit that is inside each one of us... So calming.. Ok bai.

Remember, more often than not, it's the little things. ;)

Amy D.

Yours Truly Updated

This blog ought to be kept alive. And what better way to do that than update my readers of what I've been up to. =)

• As a mother, it's only natural that I would want to update people on my son. Ha ha. He's 8 months and 2 weeks old now. He's losing weight tho, probably due to the many, many movements and actions he's been up to; crawling, struggling to stand up with the aid of furniture and any nearby, reachable legs (of people), pushing himself up and down with support (and trying to, without support which of course results in hurting himself), and loads more. He's grown 6 teeth now and more are coming out, which explains all the biting around. He's very, very vocal in expressing his emotions (a.k.a C.R.Y.I.N.G. OUT LOUD). And I'm not sure about his vocabularies but I think he knows what "mama" and "mamam" mean. He is also starting to understand instructions! Well actually only ONE instruction which is to clap his hands. Although not perfectly so just yet, but at least he knows it involves both hands being banged against each other. Ha ha. So adorable!
• And as for me, well, I'm officially employed now, by Tribune Press Sdn Bhd. Thank you Mr William Chan for considering me and believing that I am the kind of journalist/reporter that I know I can be. I have actually lost confidence in my ability to write but I told myself, "Just give it a shot" and here I am exactly a month later, doing what I would consider to be well (I've got bylines, front page news, a full-page color feature, and unedited stories published - yes, I am bowing my own trumpet but heck, when and where else do I get the chance to do that =p). I want to become better, and someday make a change via my writing. And I know I will.
  
• My husband and I, we're doing like any other normal couples are. By normal I mean it's a roller-coaster ride; we fight (a lot which probably due to my impatience and intolerance, but also because I think he has a lot more learn). Truth is, we both have a lot to learn. It's been a year and the marriage is still at an infancy stage. But everyone who knows me would know that i give on people and relationships long before I even know it COULD WORK, many a time, and THAT is definitely something I am learning to change. It's hard but I am working on it. WE are working on it. He's a great guy and I KNOW he CAN be better. I believe that. I just need to give him and myself time, and faith, that we can make this work. And instead of trying to push him away, I must learn how to build him up, and in the process, strengthen my own self as a person. =)
• As fro my faith and spirituality, I am sad and disappointed at myself for having so many excuses not to put efforts in working on my relationship with God. I think I take HIM for granted, thinking that HE is THE GOD, the bigger and stronger person, so HE should work on it and I shouldn't. Selfish. I've been 'here' before but I still don't really remember how to fix this, and even if so, I don't know where to start. And having said that, I don't really know how to conclude this part of my update. =(
• I miss my family back in KK (I was going to use the word 'home', but Bintulu is now my home too). My brother Valentine and I text each other once in a while. Mom and I call each other every now and then, and everytime, she tells me she misses Micah so much that it breaks her heart every night and day thinking about him. Everytime too, she tells me how much Sam misses and needs me. Everytime too, she brings up the topic about (me) moving back in KK. I can only promise her that we will eventually settle down in KK, it's just that I can't promise when. My in-laws are incredibly great folks and I have no problem being here in Bintulu. They make it so easy for me to feel that I belong here, and I honestly do feel like I've been a part of the Chua family for a very long time, eventhough it's only been a year. But KK will always be where my heart is.
• Having said that, I miss my siblings terribly... More specifically, I miss hanging out with my brother Valentine and sister Iris, just having drinks, chatting sweet nothings, heart-to-heart sharing... We haven't been able to do that in a very, very long time, and I long for that... Yes, of course I miss Sam... She's growing up so fast and I know I'm missing out on a lot... =(
  
• When it comes to friends, tonnes have changed since I got married and had a baby. I miss my sisters of THE SISTERHOOD and all the things that we used to share, which is practically everything... But as one of them said, "We grow up," and I've learned to accept that as we grow, so do our relationship with each other. But through all of that, I can only be grateful that one person stays the same and maintained that bond regardless of situations; Betsy. =) She tries hard to keep the circle alive, and I only better that I should put more effort like she does. And I'll try. For whatever is left of that circle, I'll make it work.
  
• Last but never the least, I make it a point to update this blog everyday. No matter how crappy the post is, update it daily shall it be.
  

Yours truly,
Amy Thong @ Faustina Dangin a.k.a. Amy Dangin

If You've Been Reading ME... - An Update

After what seemed like forever of not 'properly' updating my blog, I guess I owe that to you, my readers. Before that, the reasons why I hadn't been able to do so was;
1) I didn't have the necessary device and proper Internet connection to do so.
2) This excuse of course can be solved by going to the nearby Cybercafes, BUT, I didn't have the time, if not convenience, to do that.
3) Well, even if the first two excuses are unreasonable, I just couldn't write as well as I did. Extra info: Expectant mothers' brain fats get sucked somewhere along the pregnancy, which is why it is wise for mothers-to-be to consume as much Omega-3 supplements as they can. As well as after the birth. I didn't take that info seriously, until I realized I forgot the English word for 'garpu' and totally misarranged my IC number. Bottomline, I can't write as well anymore due to the fact that my brain shrunk and I dropped quite a number of vocabularies along the way.

So, if you're reading this yet had not the slightest idea of what am I talking about, in case you had no interest in knowing that Amy got knocked up (sure glad the commotion is over) and her son is now coming to three months old, OR, has no idea who Amy is, keep reading. I'll fill you in *smiles*.

I'm Amy Dangin. I'm 24 this year, married and a mother of an adorable 3-month-old boy, Micah. I've had this blog since March last year, and another four-year-old blog via Friendster. I wrote mostly about my personal thoughts and opinion, on life, love, politics, spirituality, as well as rant about my daily life back then. I loved it. I loved putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I would say I'm in my element whenever I be in my blog. This blog is ME. It would be a shame if I let other things and priorities get in the way of it and give up on it completely.

If you've been reading my past posts, you'd probably have laughed, cried, criticized, argued, disagreed, agreed, adviced, and so on. If you've been reading me, you would know that I can and I would write even about the smallest of things if only I feel like it. You would know that I don't fancy the ruling party of this country that much. You would know that I don't agree to the racial classification of this country. You would know that I've loved and been love in return. You would know that I had my fair share of relationships. You would know that I love my mother with all my heart and want nothing but the best for her, yet argue with her countless of times. You would know that one of my biggest concerns is my faith in God and His in me. You would know that I'm stubborn. If you've been reading me, you would know that THIS, HERE, TODAY, was not WHAT, WHERE, nor WHEN I wanted to be... *smiles*

All I was looking for was a short-term experience. But I fell in love (if you've been reading me, you would know that LOVE is an issue for me, and admitting to feeling it was and still is unlikely of me), and I acted on it, with an unexpected result. Yes, my baby was unplanned. But when Joshua and I found out that we're pregnant, we welcomed the news with smiles that meant an anxious joy. I'd lie if I say that we were all rainbows and sunshine. There was fear of how our parents would respond, as well as fear of how our future was now altered not so much to our liking.

It was a lot of bumps from then on. I questioned his liability as a husband and a father many times, mostly due to my hormonal condition. He patiently stood by me and did his best to make me happy and give us what we need. My family that I had underrated was a big supporter afterall. His parents and mine were still the loving people whom we knew them to be.

A year, many tears and laughters alike, dreams, hopes, expectations and many fears later, here we are. Here I am. Still a my mother's daughter, now a mother myself, a wife, still with same hopes and dreams - maybe slightly altered - and still writing... *smiles*

Yours Truly

Nothing lasts forever. I know that. No matter how much you feel for a person, it will end, one way or another. People always leave, for better or worse. Either way, it will end because of dying sparks, or dying, or old age, or other complicated issues... That's why when I met Joshua, who thinks the same thing, we both agreed on a temporary relationship. I mean, aren't they all not permanent?

We became friends, and things were great even then. But who could deny it when attraction plus comfort when they exist between two people and then suddenly being just friends doesn't seem to be enough enough anymore, right?

Things were great even when we were friends, and they're even better when we're together. But knowing our chances, me leaving anytime when my contract ends, him having have to stay here because of work, we know the odds of being together. That's why we agreed on "Let's just be together till we have to part ways," which is kind of silly when you really think about it, you know, trying the waters? Believe it or not, we even reserved a break-up song. it's really not because we look forward to breaking up (or parting ways - a term he prefers to use), but because we know that hoping for or even having the idea of forever is ridiculous, yes, talking by experience.

We spend a lot of time together. And by each moment we spent, he just makes me want him my life more and more. Separating suddenly becomes a dreadful idea. What initially was meant to be a 7-month-fling becomes... something deeper... and how I hated that. I was meant to try the waters, now I've gotten in TOO DEEP...

I vowed a long time ago not to use the word 'LOVE' to describe what I feel towards someone anymore - excluding my ever beloved mom, sisters, brother and best friends. In addition to that, I prevent others from using that word too when they're with me. If any guy - or girl for that matter - wants to use that word with me, go ahead, but be warned that it's very unlikely for me to say it in return, at least, not when i don't mean it... and to mean something like that ain't easy.

You might think that i'm being bitter about the whole relationship thing. Note that i did not say I do not BELIEVE in LOVE. I do. What i don't believe is people. I've had my fair shares of ups and downs to know that the word itself brings more meaning that people think they know. And it's such a shame how people, couples just use that word like a 'HELLO', simply saying, 'Love you, baby' without weighing the word carefully, even to describe lust.

it's such a big word to use... one that's suppose to describe something that would surpass time, trials, challenges, changes, difficulties, mistakes, seasons, everything... If I'm ever going to say it again to someone, or hear someone say it to me again, I would want that person to really think about it, like, would that still be the way he feels about me when things get ugly between us, or when he find out about me ugly past, or when I'm old and wrinkly and not so attractive anymore... would he? Would I still feel that way about him? it's easy to be so fond of a person when things are right... but what if they change?

The last time I told someone I love him - meaning it, taking every single word seriously, like every letter matters, weighing the word really carefully, as in really thinking will I still feel that way about him even when things had changed, even if we've physically changed to be uglier, or if everything else had altered, was a really long time ago... I even forgot how that feels anymore. maybe I've said it once or twice since then, for the sake of saving the relationships... But not the way I felt back then. Not that I remembered.

Since then I've avoided getting involved. Don't get me wrong. The physical part was really easy. It's giving your heart involved that's scary; the part where you just let yourself fall, jump in with both feet, not really caring if you'd drown or hit hard ground because all you cared about was being with him. No, you're not being stupid. You know that it's not going to be easy, messy even. you know that you're going to get hurt, somewhere along the line. You know that it won't last. You know nothing lasts forever. And you know that when it ends, you'll be miserable. In fact, you know that you'll be miserable even as it starts; missing him like mad when he's not around, fretting over small things like unreplied messages, or late calls, not doing things right or having this tremendously ugly mood when you don't see him. But you don't care...

Joshua and I talked about this, even when we were friends and had no idea that were thinking about each other the whole time. We talked about, well, LOVE, and i can tell you that 99% pf this post reflects his take on the subject too. Basically, we got each other. So when we finally got together, we never used that word. Well, I did tell him that I really, really like him, that much I know. I don't expect him to say it to me or vice versa.

Until one afternoon, driving in his car and we got to talking (we always got to talking about a lot of stuff, partly why I love being with him), and we talked about marriage... (trust me, we weighed things enough and turning of events to get to that topic) and I said - not asked - "Do you love me?" in a way that I was trying to make my point. Without saying a word, he moved closer, pulled me close, held me tight, kissed my forehead, for the longest time I could remember... And for a moment there, everything just stopped, and faded away... And I had tears in my eyes, partly because I was happy I was feeling that way again after all these years, and the other part, scared of something like that ever had to end... And nothing beats that... Nothing...

Nothing lasts forever. but I know that image of me and him in the car that afternoon, that moment, that feeling, will. I'm at that point again folks, where I know I'm falling and yet, I let me be... This will end someday. That, I know. But I hope with all my heart that 10 or 20 years from now when I open my old journals like this one to reminisce the past, it will be the same guiy I'll still be talking about... And I hope with all my heart too, that by that time, I'll be able to say that four-letter-word to him at any given time or place, without fear or anything else, but meaning it, with everything I am.

First Love. Or So We Call It.

There's this notion in my head that never wore off; that I could and would never feel love as truly, as deep, as passionate, as I did when I fell for this one guy at the age of 16. Oh, I had multiple boyfriends before as well as after him. But nothing, and I mean nothing could beat what I felt for him.

This particular guy - the one I could safely say I fell in love with - he was 21 when we met. We were friends, or more of acquaintances, two years prior to being a couple. Unlike the guys I've been with before him (and sadly, even after him), he made me feel... Gosh, I don't even know how to describe that feeling. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to cry yet jump with joy, secure yet scared, ALL at the same time. It's just indescribable. And the first kiss, it felt like the whole world just faded and silenced and for a moment there, it was just me, him, and our feelings, completely NOTHING else...

The 'KISS'. The one that makes you feel like you mean something to someone, completely you, the whole you, and being loved for just YOU. And that kiss that automatically closes you eyes and you'd just float, like you're not where you are... and the kiss that, when you open your eyes, makes you say to yourself, "I want nothing more..." And you don't, because that's all that could ever be.

We went on three years. The journey was bumpy. But it was great. Tremendously great. It was beautiful and I should have known that all good things must come to an end, because it was totally heartbreaking when it ended. It took me years after that trying to mend the pieces. Today, it has been 7 years since it ended, yet I still can't find some of the broken pieces I left then. It's getting better but sometimes, there are still moments while reading a novel, or watching a movie, or listening to a love song, where the image of his face - to the details - would appear in my mind.

It took me a lot of years, letters, men, tears, work, studies, more men, anger, to try and get over him. And when I realized that I can't keep hoping for him to come back, I opened the door again. But my, ain't it hard to open it wide. Opening it ajar is the best that I can do.

For whatever reason that is, I never know for sure. All I know is, I've been infidel towards Love itself. I forgot how it felt like to commit a commitment that comes right out of your heart; committing because you want to, not because you work for it. I forgot how it feels like to care about a person so much it hurts myself. I forgot how it feels like to want to see a person everyday, or always wanting to talk to him. I forgot how it feels like to kiss with meanings deeper than just suggesting "This is going to be adjourned to bed, clothes off." I forgot how to... love.

To all the ones I've been with before and after this one particular guy, I'm sorry. Honestly - and you probably know it better than me - I didn't give it my best. I didn't jump with both feet in. I'm not scared, or afraid of falling in love again. I just don't know how anymore. It's like, a knowledge, if not a feeling, that was robbed off me. For some reason, I just couldn't feel, do, nor think the same about love the way I did. I just don't know how.

I tried. Gave it a shot. But someone always ends up hurt. It came to one point where I just stop. Rather than trying to commit to someone because that someone deserves my loyalty, and to mention, worthy of it, I failed miserably and I just give up trying at all, because the more I try, more people are hurt. So I go on living life... More often than not I meet men whom I would say are worthy of my attention, and probably even effort. I would like them today and think, "Hey, he's not bad," but wake up the next day and just have a 180 degree turned of opinion.

I'm not looking for any relationship right now. But I'd be lying if say that all these petty experiences didn't for one second get me thinking, "How long will this go on?" "How long more would I go around treating men like they're clothes?" "Wouldn't it come to a day when I would look around me and see friends who are settled down, or at least just be with the men they, well.. love?" "And since all the men I'm seeing now are just... men/friends/flirts/platonic friends, which one would I really turn to for everything? For fun, for security, for company, for opinions, for a shoulder, for... love?"

Needless to say, I'm still young. 23. Some would say that it's not time I think about all these commitment issues, that it's not about time for me to worry whether or not I'll settle down sooner or later, that I should play the field. Oh I've played the field alright. And although it was fun at first, eventually I'll sit down at my balcony alone, looking at the stars and wonder, "Will I ever find anyone worthy to share this moment with?" And usually, even after 7 years later, only one face would be vividly pictured in my mind, bringing along with it fresh-like feelings that I once felt when I was 16...

There had been many times when I honestly thought I had let him go, and it's been done in so many ways. We had confronted each other about it (thousands of times) and I should already get my answers, which I did. But I guess, it's only normal that letting go is not easy. Sometimes I wonder why, even after all these years, I'm still not able to really let go of him. Would anyone ever be able to make me feel the way he did just by looking at me? Would anyone ever be able to make my name sound just as sweet whenever he says it? Would anyone ever be able to give me the kind of comfort he gave me? Or the security? And even the fear of losing him? Would anyone ever be able to be the kind of friend he is to me? Would I ever, ever be able to love anyone just like I've loved, and still do, him? Would I ever, ever again... love?

First times are always exciting, unexpected, breath-taking, awesome, fearful, scary... Awesome. But it doesn't mean that second time couldn't be just as great. If only I just put in just as much effort as I did the first time. And the best thing about the second time is that, you get to learn from the first one and do better. *smiles*

No doubt, the memories will always stay. As much as I'd wish the memories and feelings would just fade away so that it would be much easier, they'd stay. And since there's nothing much I can do about it, I might as well make the best out of it; keep it. But it doesn't mean I should stop giving myself a chance, giving other people the chance, giving love a chance. And I shall. First thing first, get rid of the stupid notion. *smiles*