Turning 36

My last blog entry was 6 years ago. Fuck me. I totally underestimated my capability of procrastinating things. Writing this now in view of my 36th birthday in a couple of hours, and at a point where I don't identify as a writer anymore... because life got in the way and bit by bot I forgot how to write full sentences that don't end up either confusing readers or just totally pointless. 

There's something about birthdays (like New Year's Eve) that wakes up the part of us that wants to reflect on how our life has been thus far, whether you're a big fan of (your own) birthday or not. Up to this point, I used to pretend like I didn't care about my birthday, but deep down secretly longed for someone to remember and wish me. It took me being 36 to find the courage to admit that openly. It makes me think, why tho. Why do we feel ashamed of not being open with what we truly want. Let's save that topic for another post.

I've been in psychotherapy for more than a year now, learned how to live better through the tools that came with the sessions and training, changing lifestyle, diet and ways of interacting with the relationships in my life and therefore improving the quality of those relationships and hence, my life in general... The journey that I started with my therapists had unravelled a lot of deeply hidden childhood trauma and I've been on a journey of slowly healing them one by one, one baby step at a time.

But this isn't an entry to talk about therapy; that could be a topic for another post. 

At 36, Amy Dangin is a radio announcer attached to a radio station, event-based show host, TV host, moderator, hireable acting and voice talent, social media-based influencer. Mother of three wonderful kids. Divorced once, married twice. Currently training with my therapist to be a life coach. Still friends with some of the same amazing ones and also made new lifetime-worthy ones over the years. 

My last entry in this blog was written and published from a really dark and confusing place in my life; I was in the midst of the divorce of my first marriage, and probably questioning and regretting the decision, not because it wasn't the right thing to do, but more because of the attachment issues we build around romantic relationships. 

What's important to note was that I really didn't think I would ever find the way out of that dark place. And when I did, I really didn't think I would ever go back to that dark place again. Because that's how it normally works, right? You fall, you break, you regather your pieces and succeed and never again returning to falling, right? Wrong. 

We all have this notion that therapy will magically erase our struggles and we'll be a calm as a monk in handling life's turbulences. I did too. Took me half a year and numerous cycles of emotional ups and downs to realise it doesn't work that way. Therapy is space, where I received the guidance and learned ways to cope with the turbulences, not erase them. Some days I win, some days I lose. But with therapy helping me find ways to express my suppressed emotions and create so many feel-good experiences within my own body, I lose better now; acceptance, letting go and the discernment to know the difference. 

Oh, I may have mentioned changing my diet, but my 14-year-old self would be so proud of me for this so it needs a mention; being vegan for 3 months. Yes, kid, we did! Who would've thought this red meat-loving body would ever be able to even try plant-based diet right. It did wonders to my mental health, emotional regulation and skin. Consistent healthy eating, water-drinking, zero-sugar and zero-creamer coffee, 3 times a day of probiotics, oil-pulling, and workout. 

Though now, I've gone back to my unhealthiness, for a couple of months now. It feels sucky. But I know I can get back to living right again. It's just...

I've been through some rough patches again lately. It's my current marriage. 

Haha, what is it with me and marriages in their 5th year.

I'd type more about that but this blog will be too long for even me to reread. And it's 11PM and I'm sleepy because kids had been going to school again so we've had to readjust our sleeping schedule. 

It's also worth noting to my younger self that I've done unschooling the kids for an entire year - well, since the lockdown started in March 2020. Yes, there was a lockdown due to a global pandemic and we started planting plants, baking cakes and cookies and finding all sorts of ways to be creative. 

I'd be a sucky updater of news, especially now that I've learned to accept an embrace my procrastination (after years of hopeless battles of resisting and trying to change it). 

Who knows when my next entry will be. Another 5?

But fuck me, if I ever stop using writing as a way to help draw a map of my world. 

Staring at the mess I made...

Just like the wires and cables we use in our daily lives, we have made life more complicated than how it should be and what it should be about...

Okay. It's unfair to take a three-year hiatus and come out of nowhere posting a really bad photo of tangled cables, late at night, and make a life philosophy out of it, unjustified. Even more so when turned 30 - the BIG 3-0 - without posting shit about it??? Hear me out. I assure you this is totally related.

I have been in a mess. I'M a mess My head had been in a rut I feel I could never get out of. My soul had been in a place so dark I feel like ending my life would be the best solution to the problems other people are facing as a result of my actions, my mistakes.

Only, such suicidal episodes did not get as worse as they were during the depressive, self-searching, teenage years, when such thoughts were put into action. (I've attempted suicide three times in my life, when I was 15, at an age I can't remember, and the last attempt - probably the worst too - when I was 18). I'm not sure what problems I was facing that made it so unbearable I had to take my own life). I have been in and out of relationships more times than I should because in the end, I learned that inadequacy within yourself can't be replaced nor satisfied by finding that need to complete it in something or someone else... That's why religion - though helpful in shaping my thoughts and perspective on life - didn't work on me in the long run. But we can talk about that in another post.:)

The point is. I'm a mess. I can't seem to sort things out well. I can't hold it together very well. And it sucks. It sucks because I spend too much time just thinking about things. Over-thinking about things. Do you know how many draft posts I have in my blog list? Each of them unfinished. I'm always thinking about wanting to do things but end up never actually doing them. Bodo kan.

But as much as I know that I have it in me to make things happen, to do and complete what I set out to do, I can't seem to stop the habit. I just drown in my pessimism and stress myself out just thinking about the 'what if's'... In all the bad ways instead of the good... I often ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself, Amy..." Because I know I'm only killing myself gradually inside and out.

It wasn't until after a really, terribly, bad week a couple of weeks ago, that I find myself picking up the good vibes, pieces by pieces, and now here I am, at this happy place. :D

I'm not saying this out of pride because that would be unwarranted for... I still have a long way to go, and Glob knows what may come my way along the unknown number of years or even hours of my life left...I know myself enough to expect to still have PMS days where nothing in the world is right and everything decides to fall apart at that exact week you're having your monthly visitor come to make your life more complicated than it already is.

But I think that's what life is made of... Moments... Throughout the years, I've somehow developed a thing for giving attention to the little details in life; moments that either make or break you as well as moments that may have been insignificant but could mean the world, that all add up to make us who we are and what we believe in... Moments during our childhood that stick with us for decades of age - the things I saw growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home; moments during our teenage years - where frustrations as results of rejection and yearnings of acceptance were at its peak; moments in the earlier transitional years of our youth into adulthood, defining moments, which for me was definitely becoming a mother, when I gave birth to Micah in 2009. I was 24.

That was also the year I officially graduated with a Degree in Mass Communication, Hons. majoring in Public Relations (aisehhhhhh,.. kasi chan ba tambirang sikit. Jarang man. Although, ALTHOUGH, it is highly debatable whether educational achievements are better than other achievements in life which could be very subjective. Let's save that for another post).

That was also the year I got married. No, nothing 'awww-worthy'...It was to a guy I met and got pregnant by, during a singing gig I did in a nightclub in Bintulu - something I did out of whims and fancy if I may say so. Nah, not the scantily-dressed, thick make-up, tower-high stilettos or platforms, kind of singer. Though I felt my band-mates did try to make me dress like until they gave up because I kept on with my "rights" to appear however I feel comfortable  - which could sometimes mean a sweater over sleeveless tops, paired with cargo pants and sneakers. Bahahahaha! Bida la ba kan kalau ingat balik. Bintulu episode, in another post. :) Oh and that guy? We went on to survive five years of marriage and had two adorable boys. We are now separated in the process of legally dissolving our marriage. Don't worry. I've picked myself out of that one too... :)

Pity party is over and now it's just a matter of us trying to settle things as matured as we can. And I'm glad that the kids had remained positive throughout this transition, still showing love for both of us and to others, - tapi mimang ada la bah juga monstrous episodes.. But I try. They give me the worst headaches and the cause of my biggest frustrations. But they're also the ice to my cream and the coffee to my day. I try to be the kind of parent that I think my kids would need me to be. I fall so many times, but these become my strength coz they show me everytime that I cannot afford to be weak. I'm raising two human beings, two souls.. I've yet to figure out this parenting thing, but I sure know that there is no such thing as too much love for your kids. I try. Though not nicely-done, they are efforts as a result of an immeasurable love and hope for the kids to grow up to be the kind of people that the world needs more of; healers, peacemakers, artists, and lovers of all kind... Whatever they grow up to be, I hope they will never be unnecessarily mean to others, and show kindness even to those who don't deserve it. Oh, and I hope they will never be too cool to hang out with their big ol' mama... I want to always be able to hug them and get forehead kisses from them... Always...

So where were we again? Oh, the cables. Hmmm... As I was saying... Cables, complicated, so have we did to our life... And I went on rambling about the skeletons in my closet... Okay. Maybe, what I'm trying to say is, life is really not that complicated... I learned it the hard way and still has a lot more to learn, but I can tell you this; a lot of the things or moments that you thought would end you or life as you know it are overly exaggerated and all you need to do is calm down, and do whatever you can do at that very moment. Wail or cry or mourn if you need to, and mourn hard, but don't stay there... Just don't stop living.

At 30, I'm still a mess, and just like the tangled cables caused by the technology-lures I let myself fall into, I realize and have come to terms with the fact that a lot of the complications that led to this mess were the results of my own actions.. I cannot blame anyone...

But I have a lot to be thankful for. I have found love in its purest, most unselfish form and it's not in the form of a divine god... I'm very lucky that I have five, now six best friends who would gladly weigh the burden I would drop on them despite not always agreeing with my decisions... :) And they were also the very reason that the horrible week from hell weeks ago was such a wake up call than it was a spirit-crusher. To be given the chance to spend the entire day with them and having our kids around, was a huge blessing which I will eternally thank the universe for in conspiring such an event for me at that very time when I needed it the most... To those who know who you are, my soul thank you for having stuck by me through thick and thin, and for making asshole moments become laughing materials that we get to look back at with fondness and warmth... I wouldn't do justice if I don't mention my family - my bloodlines - in my thank-you post (not sure at which point did it become that but oh well). Because indeed, I owe them a lot for helping me pull through even during times when they don't agree with me and my life's choices... I would never give up the dysfunctional family I have for another... It is a huge part of what made me who I am today and for that, I'm grateful...

And on top of that, I'm in a job I'm comfortable in and enjoy doing as well as pays the bills. And getting to work with workmates that turned into family. How often do you hear people say they love their jobs and even the people they work with? And I'm not exaggerating when I say we have a boss who's like our dad and fellow colleagues who we argue with like siblings. Bukan mau tambirang la but I have tried something else, something better-paying and came with bigger amounts of perks, something more constructive and strict, and my soul died... Glad to be back doing what I do best; squeezing my brains out looking for the words to form my thoughts, which is not always successful but done with effort. Hahahahahaha.. Oh and, wear whatever the hell i want to work - albeit, proper. :D

Wow, this is a long post! Guess that's what happens when finally get to do something that you've been wanting and wanting to do but kept delaying. I'm glad I stayed up this late (it's 2:42am) to write this really unnecessarily lengthy post about nothing and everything. It's been a while... :) Goodnight, people... Till the next post, Namaste - no I've never even done yoga, but in Hinduism it means, "I bow to the divine in you..." I like that... To respect the spirit that is inside each one of us... So calming.. Ok bai.

Remember, more often than not, it's the little things. ;)

Amy D.

Numb

The other day when I was rushing to make it for the 11am mass at St. Anthony, having had to rush between the house to check on Micah and the rehearsal for an event I was emceeing for, I realized that I could not make it on time, and I screamed in frustration, before I broke down and cried...

Part of why I cried was probably because I was so exhausted juggling everything from my baby to double jobs and then church. Also, I may had been angry at my husband for not being around that particular weekend to attend a friend's wedding 4-hours drive away, especially when he knew I had an event to emcee for.

But as I was crying in the car that day, while also trying to figure out what exactly was I so sad and angry for, it hit me, and I said it out loud, "Lord I'm sorry for trying to justify every bad decision I make..." I realized I place to many blames in people and situations, and giving excuses for the things that I could've or should've done but didn't, and for the things that I couldn't have or shouldn't have done, but did...

That day for instance, I could have woken up at 5am to attend the 7am mass instead, knowing that I have a rehearsal for the rest of the day. But I didn't, simply because I wanted to have that extra 10 minutes of sleep which prolonged for another 1hour.

It's a small thing, not being able to make it to mass... But why did I cry so hard, like somebody had died?

The truth is, I died. I have been dead for a very long time now... I have a wonderful life; a job I love and pays me well; my wonderful and incredible baby son; my loving, helpful and understanding husband; my wonderful and ever understanding family and in-laws... I have great friends and companions to hang out during weekends with, or get crazy with... But truth is, there is a huge void in me, and I know exactly Who can fill in that void...

I miss being that joy-filled, 15-year-old who just found forgiveness and renewal in Christ's unconditional love, and envisioned her life to be sin-free, dedicated to serving others and God faithfully... I miss that 18-year-old who discovered that being sin-free and dedicated to God wasn't as easy as she thought it would have been. She failed and fell, but God brought her up again. And as useless as she thought the whole idea of renewal was, only to keep falling again and again, she got back up because she knew God will never give up on her, and neither should she.

I miss that 23-year-old, who found out that in order for her to grow, stepping out of the comfort-zone is inevitable... Being let go into the real world alone without her usual family and friends only mean that she has to learn to find God in other people, other situations, other circumstances, other perspectives... And as hard as it was, she tried, because she knew that nothing could go wrong coz she is spoken for...

I'm going to be 26 this year, and had not felt the presence of God in my life for a very long time... I've spoken about the absence of God many times in this blog, and how agonizing it is to wait for that renewal moment, coz it always felt so long. But this time, it's been really, really long.

By absence it doesn't necessarily mean that i stopped praying, or that God stopped answering.. I pray like I always did, and He answered like He always did. But I can't feel a thing. I'm numb. Going to church every Sunday and trying to participate in any church activities in between were just, that and nothing else. And that sucks. Coz I feel like a zombie; walking around healthily but have no soul... To me, that's death.

I've always been the kind of person who emphasized on soul-searching and self-discovery... And the only way I always do that is through spirituality... That is why when everything feels wrong when everything is in the right place (or so it seems), I know exactly which part of my life is wrong, which effects everything else...

And that's the thing, I KNOW, but I don't know what to do anymore... And every time I blog something about this, I would usually find optimism at the end of every piece... But this time, I'm just, numb... =( So help me God...

Amy & Her Life - As of August 2010

I've promised myself over and over again that I would update my blog OFTEN, say maybe at least WEEKLY. Over and over again, I failed, hence, the repetition of promises. I'm a good writer, and part of that is because I used to write out my feelings and updates DAILY, on my blogs. Where did that part of you go, Amy? =(

Anyway, since I'm here now, I might as well post updates of my life and me =)

• As a person, I'm mostly miserable these days due to the fact that I hadn't seen my son for two months now. Everybody thought I wanted to send him to KK to live with my mom because I want to have fun and party with my husband. Even my dad thinks that. But the truth this, my mom wanted to spend more time with her grandson for a little more than just a week. Because since Micah and I moved to Bintulu, we go back once every 3 months and stay for a week. My mom did ask to let him stay behind when we went back for my SPA test in March, but I couldn't at that time. So the next visit last June, I finally gained the guts to let him stay. How did life without Micah around go?
• Since I don't have to feed, bathe, entertain a baby, I have all the time in the world for myself, work, husband, ad house-chores. Even getting ready was made simple, and I actually have time for make-up and hair-do! I even have the time to think and decide on what to wear instead of just grabbing what's lying on the bed. I have time for workout even! And at the end of the day, I get to watch any movie I want, while lying on the bed waiting to doze off. And I doze off in MY OWN sweet time...
• BUT, and it's a BIG BUT... I think of Micah every moment of the day. As much as I try to avoid it, and brush away thoughts of him so that I can do my work properly, he's always on my mind. And every time I think of him, my heart skips a beat, I sigh, and there's this kind of headache caused by a weird feeling, like... a heartache.. And every now and then, I cry myself to sleep, or when I'm driving and i remembered of how he's sit next to me in the car... Worse, I sometimes let it out on my husband and my work..
  
• Having went through that, I know that I want nothing but to be tired and exhausted due juggling between work, personal, and motherhood again. I want to be stressed out due to not being able to stop Micah from crying again. I want to have limited time to dress up because I have to prepare Micah. I do not want extra time for make-up or hair-do. I don't want to have time for movie or putting lotion on my body before bedtime, because i wanna use that time to cuddle and play with Micah until he's tired and sleepy. I just want to have my son back... I want to be Micah's mom again, instead of just the journalist and wife of Joshua Chua..
• Josh and I are flying back to KK this Thursday and back to Bintulu on Sunday, WITH Micah. =)

Jobwise:

• Sarawak Tribune hired me in May. And despite fearing how I would do in the job after leaving the field for so long, and despite starting off without much guidance, I must say I'm proud of myself thus far. My editor told me upfront that I'm productive for a newbie. And barely two months into the job, I've earned bylines and front-page headlines. Covering ministers and issues are not so scary afterall. I never got that chance back in Borneo Post even after nine months working with them. So, thank you Sarawak Tribune.
  
• It turns out, I'm not only good in writing (hence the job as a journalist). Last month, our company collaborated with Parkcity Everly Hotel to organize the Model Search 2010. Despite being new at that time, they, the organizing chairmen, assigned me to become a committee member and an emcee. That one went so well that people from all over started asking me to emcee and sing for their events. =) So I've landed myself a part-time job now.
  
• Due to the success of that event, which my chief editor flew all the way from Kuching for, I managed to build a reputation as a multitask journalist and mother. And to that, I got a first-hand compliment from my boss when he said, "I hired you to become my journalist and you gave me two in return. Well done." =)
• I know, I sound vain here, but I rarely do that and when I do, I'm saying that I'm proud of myself, and I should never look down on myself. *pats on own shoulder*

Spiritual:

• I go to church every Sunday and bring my husband with me. But I know that it's not enough. So I went and approach a lady who is supposed in charge of the ministries at the Catholic church in Bintulu, and told her I want to serve. I can sing or commentate, or read, etc. She welcomed the idea, but as I was talking to her, she was downright judgmental about everything. I can't remember all of it but one of it was her tone about why I chose to marry a non-Catholic. I was immediately discouraged and thought twice about serving them.
• But I know very well that it's never about her or the people in that church anyway. It's all about Jesus... And if I decide I want to serve, it's serving Him and not the people...
  
• Recently, I just found out about something and Josh and I are in for a very tough time. We're still at that stage. But amazingly, when I found out about it, I didn't get angry or pissed off. I didn't question God like I always did whenever something bad happens to me. But instead, I thanked Him for it. Because one week into discovering it, I started seeing changes, good changes in my husband and myself... And I thanked God for it because I know now more than ever, that challenges were put in our lives not to limit us but to strengthen us and make us better people... And I pray that I'll be ever grateful and that we'll look at this problem not as a problem, but as a turning point of our lives to be better... =)

All in all, I must say that I'm a better person than yesterday. And I'm growing (physically yes, but also spiritually, and personally). I 'm a better person than when I was 15, or 18, or 20, or 23. Everyday things happen to make me wiser, stronger, and better... And 10 years from now, I wish to be able to say the same about myself as a person, wife, mother, journalist, daughter, sister and friend... =)
Cheers..

Cool to be Holy

Cool: Socially adept; great; fine; excellent.
Holy: Dedicated & devoted to the service of God, the church, or religion.

Can anyone tell me if these two words are antonyms? Can't a person be both or one has to be only one of these, in so saying, does it mean that these two are two opposite extremes?
I was having a conversation with friends the other day. At one point, we were talking about the Tsunami and other natural disasters. At the end of that topic, a friend said, "Life is so short." In a way, she's saying, "We'll never know what might happen to us tomorrow," to which she replied, "That's why we must enjoy life." I, of course being the smart-ass, said in return, "NOOO... That's why we must go to church..."

Now, imagine you were there with us. How would you react to that? Or, what would you think of me?
Coz the friends that were there all stopped what they doing and looked at me. No, STARED at me. And when they finally said something, it was, "Why'd you have to cut off the steam?" and "YOu sound like my mother." Ha ha.

I wouldn't classify myself as being holy. By 'holy' I mean, according society's definition of holy, or pious. I am a Christian. I try to practice my belief the best way I know how. And although I fail it most of the time, it doesn't make me quit trying to be a good Christian. But the world we live in makes it harder and harder to even belief in God, what more to say, to practice that belief. People wants to be seen as COOL. And it's not COOL to be religious, or to even bring it up in conversations. It's not cool to go to church. It's not cool to pray. It's not cool to be holy.

Sometimes, it (talking about religion or God) even feels like a taboo. It almost feels like you have to think twice before bringing it up in conversations, like you have to watch it if you're going to say anything God-related. Yes, we have different beliefs. But it doesn't mean that you stop talking about it altogether. Why can't we just talk about God like we talk about other people. How come it's easier for us to talk about other people's flaws (mengumpat lah bah) than to talk about God, when God is supposed to be the center of our lives? Our very being exist because of Him... Why is it a shameful thing to be talking about Him?

Religion being a sensitive issue is one thing. But amongst Christian friends, why does it have to be? From my observation, these friends are usually people who hadn't been to church for a very long time. For them, religion and God had been like a long-forgotten subject they refused to ever talk about again. Why? My guess is, GUILT. There's that huge void filled by guilt, building a wall in between them and their faith.

Well friends, newsflash: everybody has guilts. I have guilt. I feel guilty all the time. But it doesn't mean that I make it worse by shutting God out completely. When I talk about God or my belief, it doesn't mean that I'm pious. I hope to be, but truth is, none of us will be pure enough, at least not in this world. I like to think that there will always be hope for me, for all of us, no matter how guilty...

I love Jesus. Jesus is my best friend, my backbone, my foundation, my ears, my shoulders... There I said it. It's so cool to be Holy!

Here's something from poet Carol S. Wimmer, something I find solace in =)

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are all too visible,
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I speak His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

Yours Truly.

Initially, i started blogging with the objective of updating friends and family on my life. and that's obviously something that I hadn't done in such a long time. So here we go:

• Kinki my ten-year-old dog died two days ago. I took it hard because all family members are always present to bury any of our dogs that passes away, yet Iris and I couldn't be there for the dog that we took care of the longest. And it's just sad to think how she's not gonna be there to welcome us the next time we fly home. Sigh... All dogs go to heaven they say. If that's the case, then she is in a much better place now. Rest in peace, buddy. Thank you for making our lives whole.
• I'm in my final semester, and currently doing my internship in a PR firm. It's been two months now and I'm not the least interested in making PR as the field I'm going into upon graduation. I'm still not convinced that I would wanna do PR. Don't get me wrong. The place is great. (Some of) the people are nice too. But it's just the job. Observing the asscociates and consultants do what they do everyday makes me question myself on whether I'd able to stand such daily tasks for long, to which the answer is 'No'. I hardly have the passion for it.
• I've made up my mind to take up the offer in Bintulu once I'm done with internship. The thought of it is exciting and scary all at the same time. I've asked a number of people about it and taking all of them into consideration, plus a huge deal of my own desires and intuition, I said yes. Bintulu, I'm coming.
• I haven't make up my mind on what exactly do I want to do and where do I want to be(after the whole Bintulu excitement is over) - whether or not I should work in KL or find a job in KK. I'd want to work here and the experience I need before settling in KK years later. But on the other hand, I don't want Samantha my baby sister to grow up not knowing her sister. As much as people think that I want to go back there and work because Sam needs me, I think that it's more because I need her instead. I miss her too much to be far away from her any longer. Three years is more than enough.
• I need to work out, it's been long since I last sweat out. Apart from growing thighs and double chin, it's also because I need to get rid of the toxins caused by continous consumption of unhealthy foods (and drinks) and nicotines.
• For friends and family who just can't stop asking, "So who's your boyfriend now?" I'm still single and not looking. I just don't think that anyone is capable enough to handle me and my zest for life (yea, I only realized that after so/too many relationships). I have to admit tho, that at times I do miss being someone's someone - the joy that comes with it, and the thrill of feeling the kind of pain that only a guy you're fond of can give you. Sigh... But I'm not complaining.
• Besides the kind that God can give and the kind that my mother had loyally showered me with in my 23 years of living, I still don't believe in the big 'L' word. I hate how people these days use them way too often to explain how they feel about a person, throwing the word around without even considering how heavy the word is.
• The world is getting too dangerous. It's such a scary thing to watch news these days. Wars, murders, riots, animal cruelty, decreasing natural resources, messed up governments, increasing racial polarization, social illnesses, the list goes on... What's even more scary is how it seems impossible to do anything about it.
• When it comes to God, I still have a lot to say about Him, I still have the passion for Him. But if there's anything that I'm doing different these days compared to how I was doing when I was still in the firm grip with the help of being in a ministry, it's LISTENING. To really listen. I could barely do so today. I miss the fire. I miss the high appreciation of salvation and what I used to do with it. I miss serving Him in the ministry... I miss being close to Him. But all in all, I'm always convinced that He's always around and that this feeling of estrangement won't be for long.

For all I know, the final point of this whole update is the determining factor for all the rest, which means that I need to get that part straight in order for everything else to fit in the puzzle.

A Walk To Remember

The monorail opened and in came a blind man, no more than 25 years old. There were plenty of empty seats in there but no one seemed to bother to direct him. I think the worst person in there was me, because I see all this happening yet chose to join in indifference.

It was the second last station so I guess everybody in there thought that, "It's only one station left. He could hold that short a period." And no, I'm not trying to justify our ignorance.

I'm the kind of person who believes that everyday, every moment is a test, that life is a series of chances; chances to make decisions and to grow. That day, the entire time I was in that train watching that man without sight, lots of things went through my indecisive mind. I wanted so bad to stand up and help him. But I stupidly let exhaustion draw me down. The ride was only about 3 minutes, but I felt an immeasurable guilt for not being able to put other people's needs ahead of mine. "Selfish," I said to myself.

But I guess I was given a second chance, for when the monorail opened to unload the passengers, I was nearest to him and my hands were used to catch him before he accidentally stepped into the rail. And i heard him said the most grateful "Thank You" I've ever heard from anyone.

"Where are you heading?"

"I'm going to KL Central."

Folding his rod, I took his hands and said, "Come, I'll take you there."

"But won't you be late?" he asked.

At that time I was just amazed... at how someone like him, lacking one sense than me, a sense that if I do not have would have killed me as a person and make me bitter, would actually thought of whether or not I might be late for my destination. It's not much, but just the thought of him having the time to stop and thought of people's needs - no matter how small it is - awes me.

And we began a conversation. We walked passed the traffic, people, eyes... and talked about so many things. Albert likes to read. He lives with his brother and father. His mother left when they were small. He's a Christian. He used to have sight but lost it in an accident. That day, he fasted, due to religious matters. He was heading for the Maybank office at KL Central.

Among all that we talked about, there was one sentence that touched me, a sentence that I've heard many times before, but never really listened to what it really means.

"So you're used to walking around on your own?"

"Yes, I used to need guidance a lot. But now I'm fine on my own."

"Well, that means you have very good senses."
"I use whatever God has given me. I thank Him for letting me have all the other senses."

I smiled. Indicating how true his words were, while hiding the guilt and shame i felt within myself for never appreciating what I have. Albert is blind. He cannot see. I use my eyes every single day, in everything that I do. I can't imagine what I would do without it. I know I would be very, very angry if God would ever take them away from me. But this man I'm holding, thanked God instead...

Many times in our life we take for granted the things that we have, things that we were born with, things that we were born into, things that makes up our life, thinking that these things would always be around, like we'd never run out of it. How often do we stop to think and appreciate TODAY? It couldn't be by chance that we're given another day to live.

We reached the bank and I left him there. "Thank you so very much... for taking me here but especially for talking to me," he said.

No, Albert. Thank YOU. If only you know what huge deed you've done for me. I might have helped you see your way through to KL Central. But you've helped me to really SEE, my way through life.

The walk didn't even take us more than 15 minutes. But the effect was profound. The whole incident might not be a big deal to most people, but it was to me. For that day, I met an angel in disguise...

Love Defined

I stood amidst thousands of young people, most of whom are university and college students. Initially I had no idea how big this thing was going to be. Even upon seeing the great number of diversified people, i was still clueless of what a big deal this event was. I thought to myself, these are just spiritual-freak bunch of people who has nothing to do on Sundays. And i actually almost gave that up for a movie instead. Yes, that was how ignorant i was.

But i guess, God, as always, calls when He has to. I've always been amazed of how He does things without me realizing it. He is always working totally when I least expect it. Always. And indeed, He did it again last Sunday.

I came with complete ignorance and least expectations of anything was to happen to me or have the way I see things altered. It's not like it's the first I've ever attended such event. But I should have known God better, I mean the way He does things; unexpectedly.

The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony's intro was played, and I honestly thought it was being played as an audio, coz it was damn good. And then there came the spotlight shining on the keyboardist. Gradually, the drums. I was just awed, the music and sound systems were seriously good. For a moment there, i forgot that God should be the centre of it all.

But God knows better. As the night proceeded, He managed to draw my attention to Him and man was I awed beyond description. He reminded me again and again just how much He loves the screw-ups. That His love is ever unfailing. That nothing that I've done could ever make Him close the door. The best part is that, I wasn't even looking for assurance for anything, but He just had to tell me didn't He... My Savior, the only one who could ever take my breath away...

"You are already chosen by Him... You can fall thousands of times, but don't fret, He's already there picking you up..."

I've heard the same phrase over and over again, and it's still the greatest music to my ear to this very day. Everytime i hear it, I'm reminded of how God picked me up from the shit i got myself into years back; all that mess in my life; all the games i played and ended up getting lost; I still can't make out why He chose me out of all the people He could easily work on. I'm two hands full. I'm a difficult set of jigsaw puzzle. Even after He showed me that salvation is possible for people like me, I keep falling. Picked up and fall again. Saved and went astray again. Washed clean and played in the mudd again. And My God, does He ever give up...

At times, I get tired of the games I'm playing. But trust me, it's even more tiring trying to escape from Him. I was so tired that I even told Him, "God, enough. You don't need me, I'd be fine on my own. Go and find someone else to work on. Not me, I'm tired. I gave up on You."

Did He stop? No. Not even a second. And then through a good friend of mine, He told me this, "Maybe it's not so much about you giving up on Him... Don't you ever think that maybe He is the One who refuses to give up on you?"

My Savior, Author of salvation, He is mighty to save...

Since attending the conference and rejuvenated, I keep asking myself and asking God, what is it that I need to do? I know I must start doing something but I just don't know what. I guess my idea of deed was too huge, like an impatient girl trying to change the world overnight. So this morning, still the same questions bugging my mind, "what is it that I have to do? What is it that I'm doing wrong?" out of the blue, a friend of mine, whom would least care or even thought about God nor spiritual things, texted me, "God is far more interested in what you are than in what you do."

*smiles*

There are questions that Google can't answer. And for that kind of questions, you know who I turn to. He doesn't even care what I'm made of, where I came from, what I've done, how long i'll take to make my way to Him or if i keep getting lost along the way. He just wants ME. And what could define love better than that.

Too Bad To Move On

A man was found dead in what is believed to be suicide, yesterday morning. Two of his children aged four and one respectively were also dead, just nearby him. The guy was in the process of divorce. It is aasumed that prior to taking his own life, he poisoned his children. And they presumed that he did what he did because of depression due to family issues.

It aches anyone to hear such news (especially when you're on your way to work very early in the morning... what a day-starter). Some would have reacted with an out-spoken "Bodoh," or "Why the hell did he do that?" Some would have said, "Kesian." Some would have not even bother reacting to it (yah, i know some really indifferent scumbags). Some would have said nothing in reaction, for whatever reason.

I said nothing. Not because I don't give a shit about some Malay guy in Nibong Tebal took his own life after killing his kids. I think it was too sad to know such things are happening. Not shocked, because we have heard such cases happened before. Note the plural form of c.a.s.e.(s). And that's what's making me sad about it. It seems that many people are turning into suicide as an answer to their lives' problems.

And it got me thinking, this guy could have been anyone i know. It could even be me. Life can get pretty ugly, as we all know and went through. I won't deny the possibility of any one of us resorting to such solution. Most people are too proud to admit that they'd be stupid enough to kill themselves. Or that life for them is too good to even think of it. I don't blame them. We've all had our shares of highs and lows. But were our lows as disturbing, confusing and depressing as that of Shaari Hamid's? What i meant to say is that, what could be so bad that you have to end lives? Life is a one-time oppurtunity. How screwed up can it get that a person can just destroy such oppurtunity?

My answer is, nothing can be that bad. Nothing can be so screwed-up that there's no solution other than end a life. As long as there's breath, one is capable of anything. Of course a mute person can't sing. But i know a mute friend who can play the guitar. And of course a wheel-chair bound person can't dance. But I know a friend, Susan Leong, who has no ability to speak, walk, or respond properly, and she writes song lyrics. I'm getting somewhere. Read on.

I don't dare say that I'm not going to be stupid enough to commit suicide as an answer to life's difficulties. I don't dare say that if life hits me hard someday, suicide would be the last thing on my mind. I don't dare say that i'm strong enough to face any kinds of problems in life. Because i'm not strong. Trust me, I learned it the hard way.

I believe that i hadn't survived a tough childhood on my own accord, that there's a great source of strength that had sustained me throughout all the troubles, the high-tides of life. Many times i felt like giving up. Well actually, by attempting suicide three times during my teenage years, i've already given up. But i guess the Big Guy up there refused to give up on me and thus rejected taking my life just yet.

The one thing that i believe a person should have in his/her life is a belief. A belief in something greater beyond human strength. Some things, most things, no... ALL things couldn't be possible without that belief in a God; at least i think so. And somehow i wish, I could have detected all these people who were so troubled in life and committed suicide, moments or a day before they did so, to share with them what I believe, and maybe change their mind... *Silence*

Shame On Me

Spiritual dryness. It's not that I never heard of this term before, or that I never gone through such period in my life. If you have been reading my Friendster blogposts since i first started it couple of years back, you'd know that it is something that i often talk about. But I have to say that I haven't talked about it for quite some time now. I'm not sure why. Probably because I find other things are more interesting than talking about God. And I bet that that is the one thing that's been holding me back from Him; finding other things are worthier of my writing time than having have anything to do with Him. Shame on me.

Often when this kind of period comes around, I look for Him, with an effort I thought seemed to be, determined, often not looking hard enough that what happened between Him and I are might be partly my fault. I should have known better than to blame Him for "leaving" me, when I was the one who had turned my back on Him by doing things that I'd desired without even stopping for one second to think about what He might feel or think. When i was the one who had acted like my desires and feelings mattered more than anything else, here I am asking Him where did He go... And when he didn't answer, I get all cranky and mad and impatient.

The sad thing is that, I KNOW. I know. I know how things are supposed to work. I know what I should do in order to get back on track. But I don't feel that drive, that urge, barely even the desire to start doing what I'm supposed to. I can't stop feeling angry at myself, at people, sometimes even at Him. And the one thing that I do know is, He'll remain silent as long as I'm still so angry... How does one angry b**** stops feeling angry? That's sure one thing I don't know the answer to...

"It's all about You, it's not about me as if You should do things my way..." Shame on me, expecting God to always be the one who gives in and take me in with all my anger and hatred, unworthiness, dirt and sinfulness, when He was the One who loved me so much that He died for me, and I was the one who took all that unconditional love for granted and waste it around like I'm never going to run out of it. Shame on me.

Daddy God,
I know You can hear me, despite me thinking that You're so far away. You see, i don't even know what to say to You anymore. I'm at lost for words. I know that I've asked You for help for a thousand times and though I keep telling myself not to lose hope because You are a merciful and loving Father, this time around I'm on the verge of losing faith it what I'm asking for. You never failed me Lord, not once. Coz no matter how long You take, You'll always, always reach out to me... always. But today when I look up the sky, there's not even one star shining, there's not even one bird flying across. I'm scared God... You know that I'm scared...