I need to be more consistent in doing something

It's November 13th, 2022. A Sunday. And that means it's been at least 3 months since I posted anything here. I remember feeling that this could be a weekly thing I can commit to; documenting my weeks and practicing my vocabulary plus sentence structuring skills, when I restarted (kind of) this blog months ago. 

But alas, here we are, well into 24 or so weeks of not blogging. I also haven't been consistent on social media with my postings and on my handwritten journal - which I vowed to do everyday. 

So, what have I been up to? Okay, at least since the last entry here. 

Mostly parenting, myself and the kids, which had been challenging coz I'm parenting a teenager, a 10-year-old, a 6-year-old and a newborn, and also myself - a child in an adult body. That in itself is a full time job. And on top of that, I need to source money coz world had gotten so fucked up that we've come to this point where money is the preferred currency for everything, and still find ways to grow either by learning new things or relearning what I abandoned out of whim in younger years. I've been finding ways on how I can marry those two so that I can focus my resources better. 

I still am not good at thinking things through, or at processing my thoughts and emotions... Even though it's been about three years since I started this journey of holistic health learning and practicing it every chance I get - which is whenever I remember, I still find it hard some days and feelings of wanting to give up and resort to perceived beliefs of perpetual darkness still come... It's just I handle it better these days, or so I'd like to believe... 

Those things that I wrote in the previous entry (dated August 16, 2022), that I said were taking up space in my head a lot, I've probably taken care of one thing out of the 10; the ant problem. And even that, I did not take care of; nature must have did coz I didn't do anything other than poured some yellow substance on the ant trails. Basically, three months later and I'm still stuck with the same problems. I feel like shit. 

But this huge chunks of time that I've dedicated to solitude, homeschooling the kids, not taking up jobs and focus (more) fully on bettering my communication and parenting skills, that should count... I feel like the past two years had been about finding our place, footing, in the world of homeschooling, adjusting as we go, seeing what fits our needs and capacity and what doesn't... The more we do it, the further away we get from the fear of doing it"wrong"... 

"Lightly, child. Lightly..." Aldous Huxley. My current mantra to quiet down my doubt-riddled mind that gets triggered every time someone - well mostly my mother and Aniq - talks about sending the kids back to school. It's impossible to see results in two years in trying to unlearn what we've learned for decades. 

Truth is, I don't know if what I'm doing is right. I just know that I want to try alternative ways of living rather than simply following what we consider to be normal in today's world...

Till later. 

Staring at the mess I made...

Just like the wires and cables we use in our daily lives, we have made life more complicated than how it should be and what it should be about...

Okay. It's unfair to take a three-year hiatus and come out of nowhere posting a really bad photo of tangled cables, late at night, and make a life philosophy out of it, unjustified. Even more so when turned 30 - the BIG 3-0 - without posting shit about it??? Hear me out. I assure you this is totally related.

I have been in a mess. I'M a mess My head had been in a rut I feel I could never get out of. My soul had been in a place so dark I feel like ending my life would be the best solution to the problems other people are facing as a result of my actions, my mistakes.

Only, such suicidal episodes did not get as worse as they were during the depressive, self-searching, teenage years, when such thoughts were put into action. (I've attempted suicide three times in my life, when I was 15, at an age I can't remember, and the last attempt - probably the worst too - when I was 18). I'm not sure what problems I was facing that made it so unbearable I had to take my own life). I have been in and out of relationships more times than I should because in the end, I learned that inadequacy within yourself can't be replaced nor satisfied by finding that need to complete it in something or someone else... That's why religion - though helpful in shaping my thoughts and perspective on life - didn't work on me in the long run. But we can talk about that in another post.:)

The point is. I'm a mess. I can't seem to sort things out well. I can't hold it together very well. And it sucks. It sucks because I spend too much time just thinking about things. Over-thinking about things. Do you know how many draft posts I have in my blog list? Each of them unfinished. I'm always thinking about wanting to do things but end up never actually doing them. Bodo kan.

But as much as I know that I have it in me to make things happen, to do and complete what I set out to do, I can't seem to stop the habit. I just drown in my pessimism and stress myself out just thinking about the 'what if's'... In all the bad ways instead of the good... I often ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself, Amy..." Because I know I'm only killing myself gradually inside and out.

It wasn't until after a really, terribly, bad week a couple of weeks ago, that I find myself picking up the good vibes, pieces by pieces, and now here I am, at this happy place. :D

I'm not saying this out of pride because that would be unwarranted for... I still have a long way to go, and Glob knows what may come my way along the unknown number of years or even hours of my life left...I know myself enough to expect to still have PMS days where nothing in the world is right and everything decides to fall apart at that exact week you're having your monthly visitor come to make your life more complicated than it already is.

But I think that's what life is made of... Moments... Throughout the years, I've somehow developed a thing for giving attention to the little details in life; moments that either make or break you as well as moments that may have been insignificant but could mean the world, that all add up to make us who we are and what we believe in... Moments during our childhood that stick with us for decades of age - the things I saw growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home; moments during our teenage years - where frustrations as results of rejection and yearnings of acceptance were at its peak; moments in the earlier transitional years of our youth into adulthood, defining moments, which for me was definitely becoming a mother, when I gave birth to Micah in 2009. I was 24.

That was also the year I officially graduated with a Degree in Mass Communication, Hons. majoring in Public Relations (aisehhhhhh,.. kasi chan ba tambirang sikit. Jarang man. Although, ALTHOUGH, it is highly debatable whether educational achievements are better than other achievements in life which could be very subjective. Let's save that for another post).

That was also the year I got married. No, nothing 'awww-worthy'...It was to a guy I met and got pregnant by, during a singing gig I did in a nightclub in Bintulu - something I did out of whims and fancy if I may say so. Nah, not the scantily-dressed, thick make-up, tower-high stilettos or platforms, kind of singer. Though I felt my band-mates did try to make me dress like until they gave up because I kept on with my "rights" to appear however I feel comfortable  - which could sometimes mean a sweater over sleeveless tops, paired with cargo pants and sneakers. Bahahahaha! Bida la ba kan kalau ingat balik. Bintulu episode, in another post. :) Oh and that guy? We went on to survive five years of marriage and had two adorable boys. We are now separated in the process of legally dissolving our marriage. Don't worry. I've picked myself out of that one too... :)

Pity party is over and now it's just a matter of us trying to settle things as matured as we can. And I'm glad that the kids had remained positive throughout this transition, still showing love for both of us and to others, - tapi mimang ada la bah juga monstrous episodes.. But I try. They give me the worst headaches and the cause of my biggest frustrations. But they're also the ice to my cream and the coffee to my day. I try to be the kind of parent that I think my kids would need me to be. I fall so many times, but these become my strength coz they show me everytime that I cannot afford to be weak. I'm raising two human beings, two souls.. I've yet to figure out this parenting thing, but I sure know that there is no such thing as too much love for your kids. I try. Though not nicely-done, they are efforts as a result of an immeasurable love and hope for the kids to grow up to be the kind of people that the world needs more of; healers, peacemakers, artists, and lovers of all kind... Whatever they grow up to be, I hope they will never be unnecessarily mean to others, and show kindness even to those who don't deserve it. Oh, and I hope they will never be too cool to hang out with their big ol' mama... I want to always be able to hug them and get forehead kisses from them... Always...

So where were we again? Oh, the cables. Hmmm... As I was saying... Cables, complicated, so have we did to our life... And I went on rambling about the skeletons in my closet... Okay. Maybe, what I'm trying to say is, life is really not that complicated... I learned it the hard way and still has a lot more to learn, but I can tell you this; a lot of the things or moments that you thought would end you or life as you know it are overly exaggerated and all you need to do is calm down, and do whatever you can do at that very moment. Wail or cry or mourn if you need to, and mourn hard, but don't stay there... Just don't stop living.

At 30, I'm still a mess, and just like the tangled cables caused by the technology-lures I let myself fall into, I realize and have come to terms with the fact that a lot of the complications that led to this mess were the results of my own actions.. I cannot blame anyone...

But I have a lot to be thankful for. I have found love in its purest, most unselfish form and it's not in the form of a divine god... I'm very lucky that I have five, now six best friends who would gladly weigh the burden I would drop on them despite not always agreeing with my decisions... :) And they were also the very reason that the horrible week from hell weeks ago was such a wake up call than it was a spirit-crusher. To be given the chance to spend the entire day with them and having our kids around, was a huge blessing which I will eternally thank the universe for in conspiring such an event for me at that very time when I needed it the most... To those who know who you are, my soul thank you for having stuck by me through thick and thin, and for making asshole moments become laughing materials that we get to look back at with fondness and warmth... I wouldn't do justice if I don't mention my family - my bloodlines - in my thank-you post (not sure at which point did it become that but oh well). Because indeed, I owe them a lot for helping me pull through even during times when they don't agree with me and my life's choices... I would never give up the dysfunctional family I have for another... It is a huge part of what made me who I am today and for that, I'm grateful...

And on top of that, I'm in a job I'm comfortable in and enjoy doing as well as pays the bills. And getting to work with workmates that turned into family. How often do you hear people say they love their jobs and even the people they work with? And I'm not exaggerating when I say we have a boss who's like our dad and fellow colleagues who we argue with like siblings. Bukan mau tambirang la but I have tried something else, something better-paying and came with bigger amounts of perks, something more constructive and strict, and my soul died... Glad to be back doing what I do best; squeezing my brains out looking for the words to form my thoughts, which is not always successful but done with effort. Hahahahahaha.. Oh and, wear whatever the hell i want to work - albeit, proper. :D

Wow, this is a long post! Guess that's what happens when finally get to do something that you've been wanting and wanting to do but kept delaying. I'm glad I stayed up this late (it's 2:42am) to write this really unnecessarily lengthy post about nothing and everything. It's been a while... :) Goodnight, people... Till the next post, Namaste - no I've never even done yoga, but in Hinduism it means, "I bow to the divine in you..." I like that... To respect the spirit that is inside each one of us... So calming.. Ok bai.

Remember, more often than not, it's the little things. ;)

Amy D.

This Is Home

For the past 2 years of my life, going back to my hometown KK had always been a joy that I'd immediately update my Facebook status about the excitement of it all; booked tickets, packed stuff, and embracing my beloved family members and friends in KK...

But this time, I feel the complete opposite of happy... Because this time, I'm going back for good...

Micah and I are leaving in four days time... But I haven't packed.. It's either because I don't know where to start, or I don't want to start packing...

I feel bad for saying that because I'm supposed to be excited to go home to my all-loving mother, my much-loved sister Sam and brother Elon, my supportive friends, my skinny dog Butter.. Home to where everything is or was familiar...

But by now, familiar is here, Bintulu... Home is here, Bintulu.. Family is each and every one of my in-laws; Papa, Mama, sisters Miin, Ahien, Ahui, nephew Aaron, and Micah's little cousins Icha, Hanna, Eunice, and the most recent member, baby Adam... And not forgetting our dog Lucky Oreo..

But most importantly, my bestest of friends, my bolster, my other half, my cook, my partner, my husband, my love, Joshua... who can't transfer as soon as now and we would have to be apart for some time before he could be transferred...

It's so heartbreaking to leave something that you have gotten used to for quite some time.. But more than that, it's so heartbreaking to leave people who had been treating you so well, people whom you have learned to love, people who had loved you just as much...

I love my mother with all my heart and she knows that... Coming here leaving her and my family behind 2 years ago to be with my husband was just as heartbreaking as this.. But this is my home now... And it's not like I don't have any plans to transfer back to KK for good. I do, but it's not supposed to be this soon...

I'm just settling down with everything... Work is slowly getting better and I just love working here albeit the politics of this state and country, but daily tasks wise, it's really everything anyone could ever ask for... It's fun, enlightening, hectic yet relaxing at the same time.. I have colleagues that I'm able to work well with.. The pay is not so bad.. My bosses are excellent people whom I can go out and have drinks with... It's terrific...

And then there's Micah and his surrounding... He's blending in so well; wake up in the morning and go downstairs to greet his Kung Kung (grandpa) and Akek (grandma) and cousins Icha, Hanna and Eunice (tho he calls all of them same name, Hanna, probably because that's the easiest to pronounce)... Papa will feed him and the other girls before I bathe him to get ready for schools (the nursery)..

At school he is just one happy kid.. Greeting his teachers at arrival and then he would run around playing with all the toys... I started sending him there since he was 6 months old.. It's where he learned how to walk, talk, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, learn the ABC, learn how to say thank you, how to clean up his toys, how to be disciplined through time-outs... And he's learning so well... His teachers love him like he is their own kid...

I would pick him up at 5 and then drive around a little or go home straight, where he would continue playing with his cousins... If I have to work at night, he'd spend more time with them under the care of either Aaron, Ahui, or just about anyone at home.. And if I don't have work at night, I'd stay home with all of them, just mingle in the living room while my father-in-law prepares dinner for all of us (he's really, really good in the kitchen).. We would watch Mama's Hokkien drama series on 8TV, which we initially didn't want to but learned to follow because it's plots have become familiar and make you want to know what happens next. And then we'd have dinner, sometimes together, sometimes separately, depending on everyone's availability and appetite..

It's differently similar routine every day (does that make sense?). As family, there are days when we don't feel like talking to each other, but it is still is okay because everything goes back to normal within an hour or less... But it's the little things like Micah and girls dancing and singing, even fighting over toys, and we're all there to watch them grow and bond together, learning new things everyday, that will make me miss being a part of this family, that make me want to stay here longer... It's when we talk about the things that happen to us all in a days work.. It's when we talk about the kids.. It's when we laugh about how Aaron's sentence doesn't make sense.. It's when we all shouted, "Micah your son is on TV!" together when Just The Way You Are is aired on MTV.. It's when Mama calls out, "Amy makan!" or 'ngerepak' (complaining or something like that) about the mess at the living room. It's when Papa tells us facts about the types of fishes and how to cook them during dinner. It's when Micah sees his grandpa's shirt on the floor, picks it up and yell, "Kung Kung!" before going and had it over to Papa. It's when Icha asks me, "Aunty pegi siney?" everytime I go out for work and tells me, "Jangan lambat2 k." It's when Hanna breaks a little bit of her biscuit to give half of it to Micah. It's when Eunice cries out freaking loud and we all yell, "Udah gik!" It's when all of us make an effort to be there at home, and have a decent dinner together mainly prepared by Papa and Joshua for Chinese New Year Eve. It's when they lend me money when I need some. It's how the shampoo or the eggs run out and somebody will always buy more of them. It's every little thing that sums up FAMILY and HOME...

I miss them already... When at first I had no idea how to be a part of the Chua family, barely talking comfortably because of the slang barrier, or not knowing when to get out of my room and how to sit comfortably in the living room with all of them, I am now a full-fledged Chua family member.. Because it feels right to be home at Lucky Tower than anywhere else... It's okay to be myself and for them to be themselves around me... And tho I get to have my own space in the room if I want to, I prefer spending time with them watching TV at the living room while the kids play around..

I have no idea where does it go from here... I've been crying since I knew I'm leaving for good, everytime I get the chance to be alone, especially when driving.. I'm always thinking to myself, "Look at this place, the place that I was a little reluctant to come to, but now I find so hard to leave..."

I like to think that I'm only going away for a long-period traveling trip, and that I'll be coming back soon (that probably explains why it's so hard to pack my stuff, coz I don't wanna think I'm going for good)..

Of course I'll always be back for certain occasions like Chinese New Year, which my family here celebrates.. And I want to make it a point to come back whenever I have the chance, because I don't want to forget about this place, nor the people that I've built my world around for the past two years.. I don't want to forget how being here feels like.. I don't want to forget about what it feels like to live here, and be a full-fledged Sarawakian. And I most definitely don't want my son to forget anything he had here...

Because this once unfamiliar place is now my home... And I'll always come home... Always...

Besides, there is nothing wrong about having two homes, is there? =)

To Write Or Not To Write

The SPA exam last Saturday gave me something to blog about. Well, not really. This is just cause. Ha ha.

It was a 9am to 4.20pm exam, with a single one-hour break (1pm - 2pm), and for someone who last seated for a real exam was approximately 730 days ago (equivalent to 2 years. Using 'days' instead to describe it gives it more volume *grin*), that, is mind-blasting, in a not so good way. The one I anticipated for was the 2nd part, Mathematics. Not because I'm good in it, but because once that part is over, the rest of the ride would be 'kacang'. I ended up with 15 vacant multiple-choices rows on the answer sheet (which was later filled-in with the help of my intuition).

The main reason why I wanted to post this entry was because I'd really love to tell you guys about the details. But come to think of it, I'm not sure if we can do that, as the examiners took back all our question papers, which I assume is their way of hindering us from 'sharing' them with the rest of the world (or it could be that they're practicing environmentalism, recycling the papers and all). Ha.

Anyhow, roughly, the last part (before the self-assessment tests), was English Essay (the one before that was the Esei Bahasa Melayu, which I refuse to talk about because I laughed throughout the entire time I was penning down my BRILLIANT ideas), and there were 3 questions to choose one from. The first one was about social networking sites (go figure), while the 2nd one was about... Can't remember. Don't bother. Nothing interesting. And when I got to the 3rd one, I knew it was my niche (it was regarding UNITY). I was like, "Aha! This, I can talk a lot about!". But before I could even jot down my first word, I changed my mind so quickly, as this is an examination to join the government force, yet my thoughts and opinions don't really go in the same direction. So, there goes nothing.

All in all, it was a pretty good experience. My parents are hoping so bad that I'd pass it and go through all the levels of interview, and be a government servant. I nod and smile everytime they say so, but really I was hoping for something else.

Oh well, let's just wait and see what the results would be.
Cheers!

Yours Truly

Nothing lasts forever. I know that. No matter how much you feel for a person, it will end, one way or another. People always leave, for better or worse. Either way, it will end because of dying sparks, or dying, or old age, or other complicated issues... That's why when I met Joshua, who thinks the same thing, we both agreed on a temporary relationship. I mean, aren't they all not permanent?

We became friends, and things were great even then. But who could deny it when attraction plus comfort when they exist between two people and then suddenly being just friends doesn't seem to be enough enough anymore, right?

Things were great even when we were friends, and they're even better when we're together. But knowing our chances, me leaving anytime when my contract ends, him having have to stay here because of work, we know the odds of being together. That's why we agreed on "Let's just be together till we have to part ways," which is kind of silly when you really think about it, you know, trying the waters? Believe it or not, we even reserved a break-up song. it's really not because we look forward to breaking up (or parting ways - a term he prefers to use), but because we know that hoping for or even having the idea of forever is ridiculous, yes, talking by experience.

We spend a lot of time together. And by each moment we spent, he just makes me want him my life more and more. Separating suddenly becomes a dreadful idea. What initially was meant to be a 7-month-fling becomes... something deeper... and how I hated that. I was meant to try the waters, now I've gotten in TOO DEEP...

I vowed a long time ago not to use the word 'LOVE' to describe what I feel towards someone anymore - excluding my ever beloved mom, sisters, brother and best friends. In addition to that, I prevent others from using that word too when they're with me. If any guy - or girl for that matter - wants to use that word with me, go ahead, but be warned that it's very unlikely for me to say it in return, at least, not when i don't mean it... and to mean something like that ain't easy.

You might think that i'm being bitter about the whole relationship thing. Note that i did not say I do not BELIEVE in LOVE. I do. What i don't believe is people. I've had my fair shares of ups and downs to know that the word itself brings more meaning that people think they know. And it's such a shame how people, couples just use that word like a 'HELLO', simply saying, 'Love you, baby' without weighing the word carefully, even to describe lust.

it's such a big word to use... one that's suppose to describe something that would surpass time, trials, challenges, changes, difficulties, mistakes, seasons, everything... If I'm ever going to say it again to someone, or hear someone say it to me again, I would want that person to really think about it, like, would that still be the way he feels about me when things get ugly between us, or when he find out about me ugly past, or when I'm old and wrinkly and not so attractive anymore... would he? Would I still feel that way about him? it's easy to be so fond of a person when things are right... but what if they change?

The last time I told someone I love him - meaning it, taking every single word seriously, like every letter matters, weighing the word really carefully, as in really thinking will I still feel that way about him even when things had changed, even if we've physically changed to be uglier, or if everything else had altered, was a really long time ago... I even forgot how that feels anymore. maybe I've said it once or twice since then, for the sake of saving the relationships... But not the way I felt back then. Not that I remembered.

Since then I've avoided getting involved. Don't get me wrong. The physical part was really easy. It's giving your heart involved that's scary; the part where you just let yourself fall, jump in with both feet, not really caring if you'd drown or hit hard ground because all you cared about was being with him. No, you're not being stupid. You know that it's not going to be easy, messy even. you know that you're going to get hurt, somewhere along the line. You know that it won't last. You know nothing lasts forever. And you know that when it ends, you'll be miserable. In fact, you know that you'll be miserable even as it starts; missing him like mad when he's not around, fretting over small things like unreplied messages, or late calls, not doing things right or having this tremendously ugly mood when you don't see him. But you don't care...

Joshua and I talked about this, even when we were friends and had no idea that were thinking about each other the whole time. We talked about, well, LOVE, and i can tell you that 99% pf this post reflects his take on the subject too. Basically, we got each other. So when we finally got together, we never used that word. Well, I did tell him that I really, really like him, that much I know. I don't expect him to say it to me or vice versa.

Until one afternoon, driving in his car and we got to talking (we always got to talking about a lot of stuff, partly why I love being with him), and we talked about marriage... (trust me, we weighed things enough and turning of events to get to that topic) and I said - not asked - "Do you love me?" in a way that I was trying to make my point. Without saying a word, he moved closer, pulled me close, held me tight, kissed my forehead, for the longest time I could remember... And for a moment there, everything just stopped, and faded away... And I had tears in my eyes, partly because I was happy I was feeling that way again after all these years, and the other part, scared of something like that ever had to end... And nothing beats that... Nothing...

Nothing lasts forever. but I know that image of me and him in the car that afternoon, that moment, that feeling, will. I'm at that point again folks, where I know I'm falling and yet, I let me be... This will end someday. That, I know. But I hope with all my heart that 10 or 20 years from now when I open my old journals like this one to reminisce the past, it will be the same guiy I'll still be talking about... And I hope with all my heart too, that by that time, I'll be able to say that four-letter-word to him at any given time or place, without fear or anything else, but meaning it, with everything I am.

Love Defined

I stood amidst thousands of young people, most of whom are university and college students. Initially I had no idea how big this thing was going to be. Even upon seeing the great number of diversified people, i was still clueless of what a big deal this event was. I thought to myself, these are just spiritual-freak bunch of people who has nothing to do on Sundays. And i actually almost gave that up for a movie instead. Yes, that was how ignorant i was.

But i guess, God, as always, calls when He has to. I've always been amazed of how He does things without me realizing it. He is always working totally when I least expect it. Always. And indeed, He did it again last Sunday.

I came with complete ignorance and least expectations of anything was to happen to me or have the way I see things altered. It's not like it's the first I've ever attended such event. But I should have known God better, I mean the way He does things; unexpectedly.

The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony's intro was played, and I honestly thought it was being played as an audio, coz it was damn good. And then there came the spotlight shining on the keyboardist. Gradually, the drums. I was just awed, the music and sound systems were seriously good. For a moment there, i forgot that God should be the centre of it all.

But God knows better. As the night proceeded, He managed to draw my attention to Him and man was I awed beyond description. He reminded me again and again just how much He loves the screw-ups. That His love is ever unfailing. That nothing that I've done could ever make Him close the door. The best part is that, I wasn't even looking for assurance for anything, but He just had to tell me didn't He... My Savior, the only one who could ever take my breath away...

"You are already chosen by Him... You can fall thousands of times, but don't fret, He's already there picking you up..."

I've heard the same phrase over and over again, and it's still the greatest music to my ear to this very day. Everytime i hear it, I'm reminded of how God picked me up from the shit i got myself into years back; all that mess in my life; all the games i played and ended up getting lost; I still can't make out why He chose me out of all the people He could easily work on. I'm two hands full. I'm a difficult set of jigsaw puzzle. Even after He showed me that salvation is possible for people like me, I keep falling. Picked up and fall again. Saved and went astray again. Washed clean and played in the mudd again. And My God, does He ever give up...

At times, I get tired of the games I'm playing. But trust me, it's even more tiring trying to escape from Him. I was so tired that I even told Him, "God, enough. You don't need me, I'd be fine on my own. Go and find someone else to work on. Not me, I'm tired. I gave up on You."

Did He stop? No. Not even a second. And then through a good friend of mine, He told me this, "Maybe it's not so much about you giving up on Him... Don't you ever think that maybe He is the One who refuses to give up on you?"

My Savior, Author of salvation, He is mighty to save...

Since attending the conference and rejuvenated, I keep asking myself and asking God, what is it that I need to do? I know I must start doing something but I just don't know what. I guess my idea of deed was too huge, like an impatient girl trying to change the world overnight. So this morning, still the same questions bugging my mind, "what is it that I have to do? What is it that I'm doing wrong?" out of the blue, a friend of mine, whom would least care or even thought about God nor spiritual things, texted me, "God is far more interested in what you are than in what you do."

*smiles*

There are questions that Google can't answer. And for that kind of questions, you know who I turn to. He doesn't even care what I'm made of, where I came from, what I've done, how long i'll take to make my way to Him or if i keep getting lost along the way. He just wants ME. And what could define love better than that.

Lost

When you cling on to something so hard, and depend on it so much that 90% of your life revolves around it, you would either cherish and take good care of it, or you take it for granted. I guess in my case, I took it for granted. Thinking that it's impossible for me to ever lose it. And when I finally did, I stood numb, disbelieved, speechless, nothing but blinks of the eyes.

Okay, I'm being a little too dramatic over the lost of a mobile phone and a laptop. But damn it, it's too precious and useful! Seriously, 90% of my life depends on it; it's my source of information (useful or not), source of work, source of communication, source of entertainment, source of everything. It hurts so much to have lost t, to wake up in the morning knowing that you no longer have it... (okay Amy). I know they are just THINGS. But some of it have some real sentimental values, like my watch that I first bought with my first real pay from my first real job. I've been wearing it for the past four years, and now it's gone. My laptop contains gigabytes of memories that couldn't possibly be replaced. And the songs that I've susah payah downloaded. Argh!

*Gain composure* I just hope that the guy who broke into our house has a kid who is suffering from a terminal disease and needs to undergo an operation and he has no money to pay for it that's why he had to steal.

The beauty of all this is that, the five of us who were the mangsa-mangsa kejadian (Amanda, Blacky, Lisa, Iki and me) still managed to laugh about it and we laughed our way to the police station and back. I'd lie if I say that it didn't hurt one bit. It hurt because our family are not rich people who can buy laptops and mobile phones anytime we demand for it. They worked so hard for us to even get one in the first place. Kesian bah, bukan orang senang. But it's amazing how they asked "Kamu tia apa2 ka?" instead of scolding us with the usual "Sepa suruh kamu bah tia pandai hati2!" Haha.

And the best thing is how friends are truly defined the way they show concern and support while we were dealing with it. These are the kind of times that you know how important it is to have friends and family who care. Truly, I'd never appreciate friends better than I do after this incident. And I know that goes for all of us victims (haha, lucu oh ni term 'mangsa'). From supporting us financially, to supporting us emotionally, as well as physically, they had showed us that when we fall, we're not alone. With ll my heart, THANK YOU. You have no idea how grateful I am for your concerns. The text messages and calls and even coming to the house to check on how we're doing, tells us that we have true friends and not just acquaintances.

And I also thank God for helping us to be able to see that the things we've lost are just THINGS ( i must admit that they IMPORTANT things tho). And for helping us to see that there are more important things than just the tangible ones. Thank God for helping us to be able to accept what happened and not let it hold us back but even laugh about it. If He brings you TO it, He'll bring you THROUGH it. So, eventhough i've lost my Thesis along with my laptop (and stupidly didn't save any backup copy of it), I bet God will help me through it. =)

p/s: I still love my laptop and hope with every beat of my heart it will come back to me. Haha!