I need to be more consistent in doing something

It's November 13th, 2022. A Sunday. And that means it's been at least 3 months since I posted anything here. I remember feeling that this could be a weekly thing I can commit to; documenting my weeks and practicing my vocabulary plus sentence structuring skills, when I restarted (kind of) this blog months ago. 

But alas, here we are, well into 24 or so weeks of not blogging. I also haven't been consistent on social media with my postings and on my handwritten journal - which I vowed to do everyday. 

So, what have I been up to? Okay, at least since the last entry here. 

Mostly parenting, myself and the kids, which had been challenging coz I'm parenting a teenager, a 10-year-old, a 6-year-old and a newborn, and also myself - a child in an adult body. That in itself is a full time job. And on top of that, I need to source money coz world had gotten so fucked up that we've come to this point where money is the preferred currency for everything, and still find ways to grow either by learning new things or relearning what I abandoned out of whim in younger years. I've been finding ways on how I can marry those two so that I can focus my resources better. 

I still am not good at thinking things through, or at processing my thoughts and emotions... Even though it's been about three years since I started this journey of holistic health learning and practicing it every chance I get - which is whenever I remember, I still find it hard some days and feelings of wanting to give up and resort to perceived beliefs of perpetual darkness still come... It's just I handle it better these days, or so I'd like to believe... 

Those things that I wrote in the previous entry (dated August 16, 2022), that I said were taking up space in my head a lot, I've probably taken care of one thing out of the 10; the ant problem. And even that, I did not take care of; nature must have did coz I didn't do anything other than poured some yellow substance on the ant trails. Basically, three months later and I'm still stuck with the same problems. I feel like shit. 

But this huge chunks of time that I've dedicated to solitude, homeschooling the kids, not taking up jobs and focus (more) fully on bettering my communication and parenting skills, that should count... I feel like the past two years had been about finding our place, footing, in the world of homeschooling, adjusting as we go, seeing what fits our needs and capacity and what doesn't... The more we do it, the further away we get from the fear of doing it"wrong"... 

"Lightly, child. Lightly..." Aldous Huxley. My current mantra to quiet down my doubt-riddled mind that gets triggered every time someone - well mostly my mother and Aniq - talks about sending the kids back to school. It's impossible to see results in two years in trying to unlearn what we've learned for decades. 

Truth is, I don't know if what I'm doing is right. I just know that I want to try alternative ways of living rather than simply following what we consider to be normal in today's world...

Till later. 

This Is Home

For the past 2 years of my life, going back to my hometown KK had always been a joy that I'd immediately update my Facebook status about the excitement of it all; booked tickets, packed stuff, and embracing my beloved family members and friends in KK...

But this time, I feel the complete opposite of happy... Because this time, I'm going back for good...

Micah and I are leaving in four days time... But I haven't packed.. It's either because I don't know where to start, or I don't want to start packing...

I feel bad for saying that because I'm supposed to be excited to go home to my all-loving mother, my much-loved sister Sam and brother Elon, my supportive friends, my skinny dog Butter.. Home to where everything is or was familiar...

But by now, familiar is here, Bintulu... Home is here, Bintulu.. Family is each and every one of my in-laws; Papa, Mama, sisters Miin, Ahien, Ahui, nephew Aaron, and Micah's little cousins Icha, Hanna, Eunice, and the most recent member, baby Adam... And not forgetting our dog Lucky Oreo..

But most importantly, my bestest of friends, my bolster, my other half, my cook, my partner, my husband, my love, Joshua... who can't transfer as soon as now and we would have to be apart for some time before he could be transferred...

It's so heartbreaking to leave something that you have gotten used to for quite some time.. But more than that, it's so heartbreaking to leave people who had been treating you so well, people whom you have learned to love, people who had loved you just as much...

I love my mother with all my heart and she knows that... Coming here leaving her and my family behind 2 years ago to be with my husband was just as heartbreaking as this.. But this is my home now... And it's not like I don't have any plans to transfer back to KK for good. I do, but it's not supposed to be this soon...

I'm just settling down with everything... Work is slowly getting better and I just love working here albeit the politics of this state and country, but daily tasks wise, it's really everything anyone could ever ask for... It's fun, enlightening, hectic yet relaxing at the same time.. I have colleagues that I'm able to work well with.. The pay is not so bad.. My bosses are excellent people whom I can go out and have drinks with... It's terrific...

And then there's Micah and his surrounding... He's blending in so well; wake up in the morning and go downstairs to greet his Kung Kung (grandpa) and Akek (grandma) and cousins Icha, Hanna and Eunice (tho he calls all of them same name, Hanna, probably because that's the easiest to pronounce)... Papa will feed him and the other girls before I bathe him to get ready for schools (the nursery)..

At school he is just one happy kid.. Greeting his teachers at arrival and then he would run around playing with all the toys... I started sending him there since he was 6 months old.. It's where he learned how to walk, talk, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, learn the ABC, learn how to say thank you, how to clean up his toys, how to be disciplined through time-outs... And he's learning so well... His teachers love him like he is their own kid...

I would pick him up at 5 and then drive around a little or go home straight, where he would continue playing with his cousins... If I have to work at night, he'd spend more time with them under the care of either Aaron, Ahui, or just about anyone at home.. And if I don't have work at night, I'd stay home with all of them, just mingle in the living room while my father-in-law prepares dinner for all of us (he's really, really good in the kitchen).. We would watch Mama's Hokkien drama series on 8TV, which we initially didn't want to but learned to follow because it's plots have become familiar and make you want to know what happens next. And then we'd have dinner, sometimes together, sometimes separately, depending on everyone's availability and appetite..

It's differently similar routine every day (does that make sense?). As family, there are days when we don't feel like talking to each other, but it is still is okay because everything goes back to normal within an hour or less... But it's the little things like Micah and girls dancing and singing, even fighting over toys, and we're all there to watch them grow and bond together, learning new things everyday, that will make me miss being a part of this family, that make me want to stay here longer... It's when we talk about the things that happen to us all in a days work.. It's when we talk about the kids.. It's when we laugh about how Aaron's sentence doesn't make sense.. It's when we all shouted, "Micah your son is on TV!" together when Just The Way You Are is aired on MTV.. It's when Mama calls out, "Amy makan!" or 'ngerepak' (complaining or something like that) about the mess at the living room. It's when Papa tells us facts about the types of fishes and how to cook them during dinner. It's when Micah sees his grandpa's shirt on the floor, picks it up and yell, "Kung Kung!" before going and had it over to Papa. It's when Icha asks me, "Aunty pegi siney?" everytime I go out for work and tells me, "Jangan lambat2 k." It's when Hanna breaks a little bit of her biscuit to give half of it to Micah. It's when Eunice cries out freaking loud and we all yell, "Udah gik!" It's when all of us make an effort to be there at home, and have a decent dinner together mainly prepared by Papa and Joshua for Chinese New Year Eve. It's when they lend me money when I need some. It's how the shampoo or the eggs run out and somebody will always buy more of them. It's every little thing that sums up FAMILY and HOME...

I miss them already... When at first I had no idea how to be a part of the Chua family, barely talking comfortably because of the slang barrier, or not knowing when to get out of my room and how to sit comfortably in the living room with all of them, I am now a full-fledged Chua family member.. Because it feels right to be home at Lucky Tower than anywhere else... It's okay to be myself and for them to be themselves around me... And tho I get to have my own space in the room if I want to, I prefer spending time with them watching TV at the living room while the kids play around..

I have no idea where does it go from here... I've been crying since I knew I'm leaving for good, everytime I get the chance to be alone, especially when driving.. I'm always thinking to myself, "Look at this place, the place that I was a little reluctant to come to, but now I find so hard to leave..."

I like to think that I'm only going away for a long-period traveling trip, and that I'll be coming back soon (that probably explains why it's so hard to pack my stuff, coz I don't wanna think I'm going for good)..

Of course I'll always be back for certain occasions like Chinese New Year, which my family here celebrates.. And I want to make it a point to come back whenever I have the chance, because I don't want to forget about this place, nor the people that I've built my world around for the past two years.. I don't want to forget how being here feels like.. I don't want to forget about what it feels like to live here, and be a full-fledged Sarawakian. And I most definitely don't want my son to forget anything he had here...

Because this once unfamiliar place is now my home... And I'll always come home... Always...

Besides, there is nothing wrong about having two homes, is there? =)

A LOL-Worthy Part of My Life

It's another public holiday today (TYT's birthday) and here I am in the office, apparently 'looking' for news. Actually, it's more of waiting for news, as in waiting for something newsworthy to happen.

My son Micah is with his dad. What I want more is to go home and just be lazy in front of the TV. But what is more likely to happen if I am to go home is, me screaming bloody murder every 10 minutes or so, freezing at the end of my nerve-system from fear of Micah swallowing dirt/cologne/whatever he's picked up off the floor. Or, me running around the house trying to stop Micah before he lands his foot on the slippery surface of the toilet, or trying to prevent him from jumping off beds or sofas or tables or... anything else hazardous. And the best part is, me trying to enjoy the spot or seat I just took and having have to get up every 3 minutes over and over again, never actually being able to cherish the comfort I managed to steal in the split second Micah decided to sit still. Yup... The joys of being a mother...

It's Saturday and I want so bad to rest. I could use a break. But Saturday or not, public holiday or not, I'll never be able to rest ever again. Thanks to being a journalist and a mother, both of which are full time jobs. Ha ha.

Like my wise Aunt Maria said, "You made the choice now live with it!" which she ended with a "LOL".

I guess it is more torturing than it is funny. Why put a "LOL" to it? I guess it is a lil funny. Funny in a sense that it is sometimes unbelievable how people make the choices they do and then later complaint and whine about their lives, not realizing how they ARE the sum of their choices. The funniest part is, they blame fate or God - whichever applies according to their respective beliefs - for it.

Am I complaining? I hate to admit it, but I guess, this is sort of complaining. I am complaining of having have to work on holidays when I know from the beginning that this is part and parcel of journalism profession, but I agreed to become one anyway and even claimed (in an excited and passionate tone, if I'm recalling it right) that, "I love this job!" Ha ha. And, i am complaining about being tired from motherhood when I know from the very beginning that sex means producing babies and that babies are known to be... occupying. Ha ha.

*smirks*

We are the sum of of our choices. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily sound bitter or negative.. I AM proud of what I've become. Which doesn't necessarily mean that I AM proud of all the choices I made. There are certain choices that I wished I had chosen the other path. But deciding to be a journalist and a mother, are ones that I know I wouldn't have had any other way. No matter how occupying these roles are. LOL.

What A Day

By the time my other half came home this morning, I was already asleep. So going to bed angry was already contributing to waking up on the wrong side of the bed today.

My mother in-law asked me to help her with her specialist appointment at the Bintulu Hospital, which required me to go all the way (it's in a terrible distance) to the hospital, just to change the appointment date. I was fine with it until they made me wait for exactly ONE HOUR and FIFTEEN MINUTES, just to find out that they gave me the wrong instruction. By the time I got superpissed for waiting, they courteously asked me to make my way to the specialist's room to change the appointment date, which took me not more than FIVE bloody MINUTES.

So after doing that, off I go and went back home just to find Joshua still sleeping, which means I have to take the time to do the laundry.

After doing that, off I go to the gym, and upon completing my daily workout, I happily went to the locker to get all freshened up for work, just to find my locker got stuck and won't open and I had to wait for another THIRTY MINUTES for the maintenance guy to break open the bloody locker.

What a day!

My First Pay

I got my first pay two days ago (Yeay!) and by now it's more than half gone (Sigh...). Naturally, I ought to feel sad by that. But what makes me feel otherwise is the fact that I did more than just spend it on myself this time (yeay!).

So I guess, becoming a mother really does change the way you to see things, the way you prioritize things. I guess I started to realize that I have a person to look after now, not just myself. And indeed, giving makes you feel much, much better than receiving. =D

Cheers everyone!

Yours Truly Updated

This blog ought to be kept alive. And what better way to do that than update my readers of what I've been up to. =)

• As a mother, it's only natural that I would want to update people on my son. Ha ha. He's 8 months and 2 weeks old now. He's losing weight tho, probably due to the many, many movements and actions he's been up to; crawling, struggling to stand up with the aid of furniture and any nearby, reachable legs (of people), pushing himself up and down with support (and trying to, without support which of course results in hurting himself), and loads more. He's grown 6 teeth now and more are coming out, which explains all the biting around. He's very, very vocal in expressing his emotions (a.k.a C.R.Y.I.N.G. OUT LOUD). And I'm not sure about his vocabularies but I think he knows what "mama" and "mamam" mean. He is also starting to understand instructions! Well actually only ONE instruction which is to clap his hands. Although not perfectly so just yet, but at least he knows it involves both hands being banged against each other. Ha ha. So adorable!
• And as for me, well, I'm officially employed now, by Tribune Press Sdn Bhd. Thank you Mr William Chan for considering me and believing that I am the kind of journalist/reporter that I know I can be. I have actually lost confidence in my ability to write but I told myself, "Just give it a shot" and here I am exactly a month later, doing what I would consider to be well (I've got bylines, front page news, a full-page color feature, and unedited stories published - yes, I am bowing my own trumpet but heck, when and where else do I get the chance to do that =p). I want to become better, and someday make a change via my writing. And I know I will.
  
• My husband and I, we're doing like any other normal couples are. By normal I mean it's a roller-coaster ride; we fight (a lot which probably due to my impatience and intolerance, but also because I think he has a lot more learn). Truth is, we both have a lot to learn. It's been a year and the marriage is still at an infancy stage. But everyone who knows me would know that i give on people and relationships long before I even know it COULD WORK, many a time, and THAT is definitely something I am learning to change. It's hard but I am working on it. WE are working on it. He's a great guy and I KNOW he CAN be better. I believe that. I just need to give him and myself time, and faith, that we can make this work. And instead of trying to push him away, I must learn how to build him up, and in the process, strengthen my own self as a person. =)
• As fro my faith and spirituality, I am sad and disappointed at myself for having so many excuses not to put efforts in working on my relationship with God. I think I take HIM for granted, thinking that HE is THE GOD, the bigger and stronger person, so HE should work on it and I shouldn't. Selfish. I've been 'here' before but I still don't really remember how to fix this, and even if so, I don't know where to start. And having said that, I don't really know how to conclude this part of my update. =(
• I miss my family back in KK (I was going to use the word 'home', but Bintulu is now my home too). My brother Valentine and I text each other once in a while. Mom and I call each other every now and then, and everytime, she tells me she misses Micah so much that it breaks her heart every night and day thinking about him. Everytime too, she tells me how much Sam misses and needs me. Everytime too, she brings up the topic about (me) moving back in KK. I can only promise her that we will eventually settle down in KK, it's just that I can't promise when. My in-laws are incredibly great folks and I have no problem being here in Bintulu. They make it so easy for me to feel that I belong here, and I honestly do feel like I've been a part of the Chua family for a very long time, eventhough it's only been a year. But KK will always be where my heart is.
• Having said that, I miss my siblings terribly... More specifically, I miss hanging out with my brother Valentine and sister Iris, just having drinks, chatting sweet nothings, heart-to-heart sharing... We haven't been able to do that in a very, very long time, and I long for that... Yes, of course I miss Sam... She's growing up so fast and I know I'm missing out on a lot... =(
  
• When it comes to friends, tonnes have changed since I got married and had a baby. I miss my sisters of THE SISTERHOOD and all the things that we used to share, which is practically everything... But as one of them said, "We grow up," and I've learned to accept that as we grow, so do our relationship with each other. But through all of that, I can only be grateful that one person stays the same and maintained that bond regardless of situations; Betsy. =) She tries hard to keep the circle alive, and I only better that I should put more effort like she does. And I'll try. For whatever is left of that circle, I'll make it work.
  
• Last but never the least, I make it a point to update this blog everyday. No matter how crappy the post is, update it daily shall it be.
  

Yours truly,
Amy Thong @ Faustina Dangin a.k.a. Amy Dangin

Me.

Friend. Daughter. Big sister. Little sister. Lover. Fling. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-friend. Mentor. Student. Journalist. Writer. Stranger. Enemy. Companion. Acquaintance. And now.. a MOTHER... *smiles*

My Haters

For someone who had received good/positive/inspiring/motivating/pleasing comments all her life, being scorned at – subtly or directly – can be quite disheartening. And as much as I would like to not believe them, I realize that being mad at these disdaining remarks would only mean that I’m being immature and ignorant of negative opinions, what could also be helpful if used correctly. So I took it all in.

In just two weeks, I received hate messages from three people. Three people; that should mean something, right? Two of these three literally spelled it out that they’re disgusted at the thought of me. One of these three made it clear that he/she was so annoyed by my words and actions that he/she refused to ever see me again. Well actually, all three are completely opposed to the idea of meeting me at all. Funnily, this whole hate-messages thingy started after I sent them a message of peace-making. Yeap. How bizarre.

I’m the kind of person who couldn’t stand the thought of people not liking me. Who could, right? But I’ve always been the kind who wants to settle everything displeasing that ever happened between me and anybody. I’d confront these people, through any way possible; if it’s easier to speak out through words, then messages it is. But if things could be sorted out by meeting up, then chat over drinks it is.

So two weeks ago, I decided to settle things nicely with an old friend. I sent her a message via Facebook (thank God for social networking websites). No swearing, no foul words (except for one part, in giving an example), no negative comments… just a purely honest message of reminiscing a good past, which is followed by, “It would be great if we could at least look each other in the eyes and smile. That’s all.”

What I got for a reply, was utterly shocking. A whole message containing words of despise, pointing the blame back at me (an issue that I still don’t think is my fault at all), that ended with, “Do me a favor, stay the hell out of my life and our friends’, if you have any dignity left.” Funny. Coz the ‘friends’ he/she was referring to, are still happily chatting and exchanging friendly comments with me on a daily basis. Either they’re being hypocrites or he/she was completely lying on a baseless fact.

The second person, same thing. Well, not exactly. I sent a message asking for a proper explanation on an issue. Mind you, nicely, despite this person’s obvious mistakes when that issue was at place. And then there you go again, a reply full of hate and discontent towards me. I was once again, shocked.

There was only one reason why I was so surprised by the way these two reacted; they are much older than me, which leads me to think that by right, they should be much mature than me, right? They should know better how to handle issues at hand better than I do. I felt (and still do) like I was being the wiser one by not reacting in anger like they did.

Now, the third one. I wrote about him/her in my blog. Remember ‘shithead’ (which I am more than glad to retract by now)? I re-added him/her into my friends list, thinking that bygones should be bygones and I still somehow believe that he/she is a nice person and worth to at least have as an acquaintance. I chatted with him virtually and asked him/her for opinions on matters what could be personal, just to see if I could recapture that good side of chemistry we had before the failure of getting along with each other. That one went well, but yeah, really stale tho’. So I decided, it’s just probably not gonna work, at least not the way I expected it to be. So the communication/contact rate lessens.

I wasn’t even thinking about him/her anymore until a message came in two days ago, which led me to reminiscent of the past (the good parts , of course). And I thought, “I’m leaving in a couple of weeks time and might not be coming back. Why not see him/her before I leave, see if it might work out because the first two times sucked big time. Who knows, third time’s the charm they say, right?” He/she gave me the idea of meeting up first, which, coming to think about it now, might have been a joke I didn’t get. All in all, the message-replying scenario just turned ugly, and I ended up being scorned at.

You may think that Amy is probably just being ignorant of things that might have been her fault, that she's just pretending not to hear nor see the bad side of her that people see. I thought so too. But there is another thing about me; I don’t react in anger or hatred, outwardly expressed or not, before I make sure that I am on the right side of things. For all three Haters (yeah, that’s what I call them, not exactly applicable for the third one tho’. He/she doesn’t hate me, only annoyed – as he/she put it), I actually went around asking for opinions from people whose points of view can be trusted because they don’t always think I’m right, a.k.a., honest. And they said that it’s weird that I even asked them if I’m right to feel the way I felt about Them Haters, because the issues are mighty obvious, as in, it is easily detectable who’s the victim and the villain. So, either these people whose opinions I trust are lying, or… well, I’m right.

So what happened after them Haters (the first two, actually. The third one doesn’t affect me much) replied in such anger and hatred? Did I reply them angrily and in hate as well? *smiles* I’m proud of myself, really. I calmly answered all their angry questions, correctly with no exaggerations – with bits of sarcasm here and there - and offered a second chance of peace, to which they reacted by deleting me off their friends list completely (as if that’s gonna solve the problem). And I just left it at that. It’s not that I give up in trying to settle our issue. I’m gonna try again, maybe in later years when they’re mature enough to react to peace-making messages properly.

It's not like I'm saying that I don't have any negative attributes. I do. I don't always do things correctly or handle things peoperly. I fumble and fall every now and then, I make mistakes, I blurt out displeasing words, I don't always smile 24/7, I'm not always available for help, etc. I accept the way I am and do try and change what I'm capable of changing. All apologies to people who were ever negatively affected by the decisons I made, the steps I took, the words I said, I face I put on, the assistance I failed to offer, the love I failed to give. But I think we're all capable of these shortcomings, and we're all given a choice to understand or to ignore people's imperfections, to forgive or to dwell in anger.

To my Haters, I can only hope that you will find it in your hearts someday to get rid of the hatred, and all I want is for us to be able to at least look each other in the eyes and frame our faces with a heartfelt smile. That's all.

Cheers.

Be Careful?

I receive this forwarded email in my inbox this morning:

"BE CAREFUL....

PLEASE READ and pass them on....

(1) Today i passed by a building which has an ATM machine. There was an old man looking at me and suddenly called me. He said he doesn't know how to read, so he gave me an ATM card and asked me to help him take money from the ATM machine. I answerd him 'NO!! If you need help, ask the security to help you.' Then he said 'nevermind..' and just continue to find other people to help him... REMEMBER : ATM machines have CCTV. If you help him, and later he says you have robbed him or stole his ATM card, or even his ATM card wasn't his too. So please be careful for these frauds.
(2) When the house electricity suddenly goes off, seeing from the windows that my neighbours still have lights, went out my house to check the Meter Box. But once i open the door, a knife was pointing at the door to stop me from closing it. And they robbed and injured us. REMEMBER : Eventhough your electricity suddely goes off, DO NOT open ur door immediately. Look around to see if there is anything unusual or sounds.
(3) This is another story. You think you had heard it before, but this is slightly different. Its about a girl, she saw a kid by the roadside crying. When she asked the kid, the kid said he was lost and wanted her to take him home. The kid even gave her a paper which he said it was his house address. So she took him home. But when she ring the bell on the door. She was shocked by pressing the door bell with high-voltage electric. Once she woke up, she was naked in an empty room. REMEMBER : Being such a compassion person might not be a good thing. Pass this on and girls, especially, please be careful..AND DON'T BE TOO GOOD!!
(4) One day, there was an old lady outside my house holding 2 packets of sweets. At first i thought she was our neighbour and wanted to give us these packs of sweets as a gift. But then when she talk, i can hear that she is a foreigner i guess, because i don't really understand what is she talking about. But i know that she is asking for money. And it just feels that there's something wrong. i immediately closed the door and ignored her.
(5) I was at the ATM machine to take my money. Behind me, there was an old lady asked me whether i'm able to take my money or not, because she said there's a button might be spoiled, and i don't know since when a small girl came beside me. The small girl was squeezing to my side but i didn't notice, i thought she was just naughty and playful. But then, the small girl put her hand at the hole of the ATM machine where the money comes out, ready to take my money. I felt something wrong and immediately push the small girl away. Then i thought, the small girl and the old lady cooperate together to take my money. The old lady distracted me so that the small girl can take my money away. REMEMBER: Be VERY CAREFUL when you are at an ATM machine and be aleart for anyone suspicious around you.
(6) My parents are retired and they stay at home. One afternoon, there was a young stranger said his motorcycle has no more petrol and the petrol station is too far, it's hard to push the motorcyclefor such a long distance, so he asked my parents for an empty coke bottle to buy petrol. He said he will pay 2, 3 bucks for it. So my mum took one coke bottle for him. He really did took out money from his pocket, but it was a RM 100 note, and even let my mum to find change for him.But luckily my mum was smart, she said just take and go. REMEMBER : obviously that note is fake!! Who would want to pay for a stupid empty coke bottle!! Its OBVIOUS to know that that starnger is a fraud!!
(7) this happened in Bali . A newly married couple were having their honeymoon at the hotel. When both are in the changing room, the wife suddenly gone missing. The husband was very anxious and went around to find her. He asked the hotel staffs to help him find her too. Then he thought his wife was just playing hide and seek or wat. So he went back and waited for his wife. After a few hours, he decided to call the police. 3 weeks has passed, there were no news about his missing wife. So he went back and his honeymoon just ended up like that. He was so dissapointed and has no mood to work and so he went to travel to other places. Few years later, he came back to Bali , to watch 'FREAK SHOW' in an old house. He saw a dirty and rusty metal cage, there was a lady without limbs, body including the face, full of scars. When she was distorted on the ground, she gives out a sound of a monster-like voice. when he saw her face, he was shocked. He could not recognise the face anymore, her missing wife's face has a red birthmark.
(8) this happened in shanghai. Few yeas ago, a girl reported to the police that her cousin sister was missing in the shopping complex. But after 5 years, one of her friend found her cousin sister begging beside one of the street in Bangkok , Thailand .. The worst thing is that her counsin sister has no more limbs and her body is tied to a lamp post with a Shackle (metal chain).
(9) Let's just shorten this story. DO NOT open your house door when you hear some sound of a BABY CRYING!! It might be a trap! Women in the house must be alert in these case. The police said it will be a murderer using a recorder with de baby crying sound to attract your attention. These normally happen at night and when you are only alone in the house. GIRLS, especially, plese be careful.
(10) i read an email that was sent by my friend. Her friend, who is known as A, went to Luo Hu Commercial City with 2 friends, B and C. Luo Hu Commercial City is Shenzhen counterfeit goods distribution center, there are many people there, its also near to the ShenZhen train station and Hong Kong's Luo Hu Port. Its says, C wants to go to the toilet. So A and B waited outside. But then after they waited for so long, they felt weird and went into the toilet to ask her to hurry up. But once they went in, there were nobody inside there. Both were scared as they called C's phone but no one answered. So they called the police. The police asked them whether they had saw anyboby suspicious went into the toilet. Both said there were none and its impossible to bring an alive person with more then 100 kg out of the toilet without them noticing. Then A remember there was a cleaner pushing a trolley in, and then came back out...the police told them this is not the 1st time happening. The police has already suspect a gang of criminals that always attacks the toilet in a complex where many people are. They use cleaners to kidnap or trafficking in human organs. REMEMBER : please be careful when using the toilet. For anybody, not only girls, boys too!! Do not go to the wash room or toilet ALONE!! Please at least have a partner with you.

PLEASE PASS ON THIS MAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS!!""

You see, most of these stated situations are ones that would have us (with the less prejudiced minds) react in aid of these people. But then again, who's safe to help, and what's right to do? I just find it sad how even helping becomes questionable these days. Sigh.

A Walk To Remember

The monorail opened and in came a blind man, no more than 25 years old. There were plenty of empty seats in there but no one seemed to bother to direct him. I think the worst person in there was me, because I see all this happening yet chose to join in indifference.

It was the second last station so I guess everybody in there thought that, "It's only one station left. He could hold that short a period." And no, I'm not trying to justify our ignorance.

I'm the kind of person who believes that everyday, every moment is a test, that life is a series of chances; chances to make decisions and to grow. That day, the entire time I was in that train watching that man without sight, lots of things went through my indecisive mind. I wanted so bad to stand up and help him. But I stupidly let exhaustion draw me down. The ride was only about 3 minutes, but I felt an immeasurable guilt for not being able to put other people's needs ahead of mine. "Selfish," I said to myself.

But I guess I was given a second chance, for when the monorail opened to unload the passengers, I was nearest to him and my hands were used to catch him before he accidentally stepped into the rail. And i heard him said the most grateful "Thank You" I've ever heard from anyone.

"Where are you heading?"

"I'm going to KL Central."

Folding his rod, I took his hands and said, "Come, I'll take you there."

"But won't you be late?" he asked.

At that time I was just amazed... at how someone like him, lacking one sense than me, a sense that if I do not have would have killed me as a person and make me bitter, would actually thought of whether or not I might be late for my destination. It's not much, but just the thought of him having the time to stop and thought of people's needs - no matter how small it is - awes me.

And we began a conversation. We walked passed the traffic, people, eyes... and talked about so many things. Albert likes to read. He lives with his brother and father. His mother left when they were small. He's a Christian. He used to have sight but lost it in an accident. That day, he fasted, due to religious matters. He was heading for the Maybank office at KL Central.

Among all that we talked about, there was one sentence that touched me, a sentence that I've heard many times before, but never really listened to what it really means.

"So you're used to walking around on your own?"

"Yes, I used to need guidance a lot. But now I'm fine on my own."

"Well, that means you have very good senses."
"I use whatever God has given me. I thank Him for letting me have all the other senses."

I smiled. Indicating how true his words were, while hiding the guilt and shame i felt within myself for never appreciating what I have. Albert is blind. He cannot see. I use my eyes every single day, in everything that I do. I can't imagine what I would do without it. I know I would be very, very angry if God would ever take them away from me. But this man I'm holding, thanked God instead...

Many times in our life we take for granted the things that we have, things that we were born with, things that we were born into, things that makes up our life, thinking that these things would always be around, like we'd never run out of it. How often do we stop to think and appreciate TODAY? It couldn't be by chance that we're given another day to live.

We reached the bank and I left him there. "Thank you so very much... for taking me here but especially for talking to me," he said.

No, Albert. Thank YOU. If only you know what huge deed you've done for me. I might have helped you see your way through to KL Central. But you've helped me to really SEE, my way through life.

The walk didn't even take us more than 15 minutes. But the effect was profound. The whole incident might not be a big deal to most people, but it was to me. For that day, I met an angel in disguise...

No-mood Random Post

Another massive traffic jam yesterday evening on the way home from work and I thought to myself, "What the hell? Another Anwar-related speculations???" The traffic was sooo damn bad. Asif and I were stuck in the car for 3-f***ing hours, remained static in one spot for 1-damned-hour. Can you imagine that? We were going crazy until I thought of a good idea to pass the time; found an NSync audio CD in his car and we put it on full volume (yea, it was REALLY loud) and sang, as well as dance, along. We must have looked like a couple of silly kids, or insane adults, singing at the top of our lungs, with the windows winded down, holding cigarettes in our hands and dancing... to NSync??? What the??? Well, what two spontaneous friends can do.

I officially consider myself as an anti-government, as I found myself blaming them every chance I got. But I'm no pro-opposition either, although i do believe that there are fabrications in a lot of the government's deeds - be it good or bad.

Hey, I checked out Saiful's med report from the Pusrawi Hospital, posted on RPK's blog. Looks genuine. Maybe it is. I don't buy it 100% tho. I read the mainstream media's side of the story too. As expected, they denied every claim. Kudos.

(read it here)

Nothing much today. Don't really feel like it.

Cheers.

Yours truly.

Mixed Up Priorities

Our ministers and MPs are fighting over what kind of cars to use; filling spaces of printed media just arguing about which one will cost them more/less. We are arguing about territorial sea and how many nautical miles do each side owns with Singapore. Our government is doing all within (or even over) their limits to stop a de facto leader from taking over governance, even up to the point of getting it all mixed up with the latter's personal life. So what if he had anal sex with a guy (note, i sad 'IF', indicating that i still don't buy the whole political ploy setup by the governmnet)? Now sendiri susah have to explain to diplomats about what's actully going on (i doubt it was a thorough, unbiased explaination tho').

All the attention to these - what i would consider as nothing that needs immediate attention - compared to other problems going on in this country. 127 juveniles are being locked-up, as of yesterday, which i bet will increase in number, given a few days. Our inflation rate had reached a number higher than ever (7.7%folks... 7.7). 2,957 people still lost, location unknown, still searched by family members, and yes, this includes children (http://www.rmp.gov.my/). A total number of 43,897 cases of murder, rape, robbery, armed attacks, etc. as of 2008 itself. 1 more league title before Manchester United beats Liverpool's record of 18 times league champion... (yes, this disturbs me too. Kidding). The list goes on. And these are only the number of recorded cases, excluding those unreported.

How can our authorities are acting so eager and determined about matters like what car should the members of the cabinet use, or did or did not Anwar sodomized Saiful? How can we spent millions on an astronaut program and another millions on dams when that money could have been spent on R&D for better security or more effective economy system? Are hydroelectric resources, low-maintenance Mercedes-Benz cars, more important than the lives of the people?

Who is supposed to ensure the betterment of the rakyat? Who is supposed to look after the safety of the rakyat? Is not that the police's, government's job? Oh, wait a minute, our police are all busy ensuring the safety of our MPs and Dato's. 50 police officers to guard one minister, when somewhere else a child is being kidnapped, raped and murdered. Nice job, officers. How mesra, cepat and betul you guys are. And the government, who is supposed to think of ways to reduce the burden of the rakyat in trying to make a living for a life that is becoming more and more expensive? Oh, they're busy trying to stop this one man from taking over power. Yeap, they're all too busy. Let's not kacau them doing their job.

Yes, i'm bitter. But do you think that i'm proud doing this? I mean, i'm talking about my government here. One is supposed to be proud of their country and all i ever do is say, "Screw them." When one criticises and chastise a government, there must be something wrong in what they're doing. Besides, I ain't the first person to do this. Thousands of other people are pretty mad at the government. That means, there must be something REALLY wrong in what they're doing. We can't be complaining for nothing, right?

Selfish Scumbags

The massive traffic congestion two days back didn't die down as soon as i thought it would have. Yesterday while on our way back from the office, my friends and i had another 'discussion' about it, obviously being against the police and the authority over them who had assigned them that stupid task of having have to stand there doing nothing except placed con/corn/cone (Damn it, i forgot how to spell the word) by the road sides, making it impossible for the traffic to move smoothly, konon-kononnya to deter Anwar's followers from organizing a rally, which didn't happen *exhales breath*. Okay, i'm obviously still pissed about it. Everybody is lah.

I thought that the road bloack was set at such a bad time; early monday morning when people are rushing to get to work on time, left damn early just to beat the traffic jam. We were stuck in it for a complete two hours. Everybody came in late that day. And then the next day, the government just turn up in the front page of mainstream print media and apologized. Walaweh... Well, they're not paying for their car fuel tank anyway, neither do they have to drive, do they?

The worse part is that the police did NOTHING. Nada. Niente. Rien. They just stood there and talk. I assumed that they're on stand-by mode just in case a rally happens and get out of hand. But if that was what it was, are the cons/corns/cones (shit, i don't know how to the damn word) necessary? Was it really even useful for them to narrow the path for motorists to use? And if so, they didn't even warn us about it. So everybody ended up swearing all the way to work, honking each other, angry, and arrived at the office cranky. I hate to say it, but they can be very selfish sometimes.

A Job Well Done

It's always a great feeling to know that you did a good job completing an assignment given to you. And today, i feel that way. Thanks to my buddy (name undisclosed due to security and confidential reasons. Yeah whatever).

He handed the assignment to me more than a week ago and what did i do? What i ususally do; procrastinate. Well look, it's not like i delayed the work just because i don't feel like doing it. It really was because i was (and still am until he finally break it down for me minutes ago) completely clueless of what is it that is supposed to come out of the assignment.

So i lingered on wondering and searching in the virtual world for information, which came out with nothing because as i said, i was completely clueless of what is it that he wanted me to do.

So last night (yeah, only last night like 1am, so it's technically this morning), i opened the laptop without the singlest useful idea in my head and typed. With the help of my best-functioning-in-pressure-brain and the power of prayer + trust in God that i can actually do it, i went on typing until i eventually completed the assignment. I was amazed... at the fact of me being able to fininsh it alone.

And then when my buddy asked for it, he actually said that i did a great job *smiles widely*. He went on to say that what he'd given me was actually an impossible task. But i managed to complete it anyway. So there i went, "YEAY!!!" in my heart, only able to be exhibitted physically with a subtle smile, coz i just didn't want to appear to be too proud.

Cheers!

Panic Over A Glass of Water

No, the title is not some sort of metaphor i use trying to explain things. I really did panicked over a glass of water. In fact, i even got nervous over binders and scanning machines.

I've always been the kind of person who couldn't care less about the big things, what more could it be with the smaller ones. I don't care if i'm late. I don't care if i don't attend class. I don't care if i don't get an A. I don't care if i don't fold my blanket. I don't care if there's glue marks on my white paper. I don't care if there's coffee stains on my paperworks. I barely care about anything. Just as long as I'm comfortable and didn't get in anybody's way, then so be it.

But since starting my industrial training/practical training/internship (whatever you may call it), i find myself not only CARING about how i get things done, but more of WORRIED about them. I actually give a shit (excuse the language, the statement is just darn miraculous to use normal words) about whether or not the clippings do not have glue marks on them, whether or not the cutting edges are straight and neat (no, i really mean REALLY, accurately neat), whether or not the mobile phone numbers have to have spaces in between the first three numbers, whether or not the paperwork is binded neatly, whether or not i should use the Nescafe free mug or the plain one to serve a glass of water to a client... all sorts of other things that all this while up to this moment, i never thought would matter.

So i guess, this industrial training is good for me. Maybe now i'll start learning to fold my blankets upon waking up. What does a blanket has to do with clippings and bindings and industrial training? Neatness. Things need to be organized. Things had to be in order. Life has to be neat. Not perfect. Just neat.

* * *

This is really just to update all of my readers what i'm currently at. Internship. Fun? Hmmm... Still adjusting. The people here are great. But i've yet to apply what i've learned in my three years of uni to practice. Yet. Oh, i really want to tell you the name of this company, but i can't. They have some internet policy and one of the content is about name-mentioning. Darn.
More later.

Cheers!

Lost

When you cling on to something so hard, and depend on it so much that 90% of your life revolves around it, you would either cherish and take good care of it, or you take it for granted. I guess in my case, I took it for granted. Thinking that it's impossible for me to ever lose it. And when I finally did, I stood numb, disbelieved, speechless, nothing but blinks of the eyes.

Okay, I'm being a little too dramatic over the lost of a mobile phone and a laptop. But damn it, it's too precious and useful! Seriously, 90% of my life depends on it; it's my source of information (useful or not), source of work, source of communication, source of entertainment, source of everything. It hurts so much to have lost t, to wake up in the morning knowing that you no longer have it... (okay Amy). I know they are just THINGS. But some of it have some real sentimental values, like my watch that I first bought with my first real pay from my first real job. I've been wearing it for the past four years, and now it's gone. My laptop contains gigabytes of memories that couldn't possibly be replaced. And the songs that I've susah payah downloaded. Argh!

*Gain composure* I just hope that the guy who broke into our house has a kid who is suffering from a terminal disease and needs to undergo an operation and he has no money to pay for it that's why he had to steal.

The beauty of all this is that, the five of us who were the mangsa-mangsa kejadian (Amanda, Blacky, Lisa, Iki and me) still managed to laugh about it and we laughed our way to the police station and back. I'd lie if I say that it didn't hurt one bit. It hurt because our family are not rich people who can buy laptops and mobile phones anytime we demand for it. They worked so hard for us to even get one in the first place. Kesian bah, bukan orang senang. But it's amazing how they asked "Kamu tia apa2 ka?" instead of scolding us with the usual "Sepa suruh kamu bah tia pandai hati2!" Haha.

And the best thing is how friends are truly defined the way they show concern and support while we were dealing with it. These are the kind of times that you know how important it is to have friends and family who care. Truly, I'd never appreciate friends better than I do after this incident. And I know that goes for all of us victims (haha, lucu oh ni term 'mangsa'). From supporting us financially, to supporting us emotionally, as well as physically, they had showed us that when we fall, we're not alone. With ll my heart, THANK YOU. You have no idea how grateful I am for your concerns. The text messages and calls and even coming to the house to check on how we're doing, tells us that we have true friends and not just acquaintances.

And I also thank God for helping us to be able to see that the things we've lost are just THINGS ( i must admit that they IMPORTANT things tho). And for helping us to see that there are more important things than just the tangible ones. Thank God for helping us to be able to accept what happened and not let it hold us back but even laugh about it. If He brings you TO it, He'll bring you THROUGH it. So, eventhough i've lost my Thesis along with my laptop (and stupidly didn't save any backup copy of it), I bet God will help me through it. =)

p/s: I still love my laptop and hope with every beat of my heart it will come back to me. Haha!