Staring at the mess I made...

Just like the wires and cables we use in our daily lives, we have made life more complicated than how it should be and what it should be about...

Okay. It's unfair to take a three-year hiatus and come out of nowhere posting a really bad photo of tangled cables, late at night, and make a life philosophy out of it, unjustified. Even more so when turned 30 - the BIG 3-0 - without posting shit about it??? Hear me out. I assure you this is totally related.

I have been in a mess. I'M a mess My head had been in a rut I feel I could never get out of. My soul had been in a place so dark I feel like ending my life would be the best solution to the problems other people are facing as a result of my actions, my mistakes.

Only, such suicidal episodes did not get as worse as they were during the depressive, self-searching, teenage years, when such thoughts were put into action. (I've attempted suicide three times in my life, when I was 15, at an age I can't remember, and the last attempt - probably the worst too - when I was 18). I'm not sure what problems I was facing that made it so unbearable I had to take my own life). I have been in and out of relationships more times than I should because in the end, I learned that inadequacy within yourself can't be replaced nor satisfied by finding that need to complete it in something or someone else... That's why religion - though helpful in shaping my thoughts and perspective on life - didn't work on me in the long run. But we can talk about that in another post.:)

The point is. I'm a mess. I can't seem to sort things out well. I can't hold it together very well. And it sucks. It sucks because I spend too much time just thinking about things. Over-thinking about things. Do you know how many draft posts I have in my blog list? Each of them unfinished. I'm always thinking about wanting to do things but end up never actually doing them. Bodo kan.

But as much as I know that I have it in me to make things happen, to do and complete what I set out to do, I can't seem to stop the habit. I just drown in my pessimism and stress myself out just thinking about the 'what if's'... In all the bad ways instead of the good... I often ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself, Amy..." Because I know I'm only killing myself gradually inside and out.

It wasn't until after a really, terribly, bad week a couple of weeks ago, that I find myself picking up the good vibes, pieces by pieces, and now here I am, at this happy place. :D

I'm not saying this out of pride because that would be unwarranted for... I still have a long way to go, and Glob knows what may come my way along the unknown number of years or even hours of my life left...I know myself enough to expect to still have PMS days where nothing in the world is right and everything decides to fall apart at that exact week you're having your monthly visitor come to make your life more complicated than it already is.

But I think that's what life is made of... Moments... Throughout the years, I've somehow developed a thing for giving attention to the little details in life; moments that either make or break you as well as moments that may have been insignificant but could mean the world, that all add up to make us who we are and what we believe in... Moments during our childhood that stick with us for decades of age - the things I saw growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home; moments during our teenage years - where frustrations as results of rejection and yearnings of acceptance were at its peak; moments in the earlier transitional years of our youth into adulthood, defining moments, which for me was definitely becoming a mother, when I gave birth to Micah in 2009. I was 24.

That was also the year I officially graduated with a Degree in Mass Communication, Hons. majoring in Public Relations (aisehhhhhh,.. kasi chan ba tambirang sikit. Jarang man. Although, ALTHOUGH, it is highly debatable whether educational achievements are better than other achievements in life which could be very subjective. Let's save that for another post).

That was also the year I got married. No, nothing 'awww-worthy'...It was to a guy I met and got pregnant by, during a singing gig I did in a nightclub in Bintulu - something I did out of whims and fancy if I may say so. Nah, not the scantily-dressed, thick make-up, tower-high stilettos or platforms, kind of singer. Though I felt my band-mates did try to make me dress like until they gave up because I kept on with my "rights" to appear however I feel comfortable  - which could sometimes mean a sweater over sleeveless tops, paired with cargo pants and sneakers. Bahahahaha! Bida la ba kan kalau ingat balik. Bintulu episode, in another post. :) Oh and that guy? We went on to survive five years of marriage and had two adorable boys. We are now separated in the process of legally dissolving our marriage. Don't worry. I've picked myself out of that one too... :)

Pity party is over and now it's just a matter of us trying to settle things as matured as we can. And I'm glad that the kids had remained positive throughout this transition, still showing love for both of us and to others, - tapi mimang ada la bah juga monstrous episodes.. But I try. They give me the worst headaches and the cause of my biggest frustrations. But they're also the ice to my cream and the coffee to my day. I try to be the kind of parent that I think my kids would need me to be. I fall so many times, but these become my strength coz they show me everytime that I cannot afford to be weak. I'm raising two human beings, two souls.. I've yet to figure out this parenting thing, but I sure know that there is no such thing as too much love for your kids. I try. Though not nicely-done, they are efforts as a result of an immeasurable love and hope for the kids to grow up to be the kind of people that the world needs more of; healers, peacemakers, artists, and lovers of all kind... Whatever they grow up to be, I hope they will never be unnecessarily mean to others, and show kindness even to those who don't deserve it. Oh, and I hope they will never be too cool to hang out with their big ol' mama... I want to always be able to hug them and get forehead kisses from them... Always...

So where were we again? Oh, the cables. Hmmm... As I was saying... Cables, complicated, so have we did to our life... And I went on rambling about the skeletons in my closet... Okay. Maybe, what I'm trying to say is, life is really not that complicated... I learned it the hard way and still has a lot more to learn, but I can tell you this; a lot of the things or moments that you thought would end you or life as you know it are overly exaggerated and all you need to do is calm down, and do whatever you can do at that very moment. Wail or cry or mourn if you need to, and mourn hard, but don't stay there... Just don't stop living.

At 30, I'm still a mess, and just like the tangled cables caused by the technology-lures I let myself fall into, I realize and have come to terms with the fact that a lot of the complications that led to this mess were the results of my own actions.. I cannot blame anyone...

But I have a lot to be thankful for. I have found love in its purest, most unselfish form and it's not in the form of a divine god... I'm very lucky that I have five, now six best friends who would gladly weigh the burden I would drop on them despite not always agreeing with my decisions... :) And they were also the very reason that the horrible week from hell weeks ago was such a wake up call than it was a spirit-crusher. To be given the chance to spend the entire day with them and having our kids around, was a huge blessing which I will eternally thank the universe for in conspiring such an event for me at that very time when I needed it the most... To those who know who you are, my soul thank you for having stuck by me through thick and thin, and for making asshole moments become laughing materials that we get to look back at with fondness and warmth... I wouldn't do justice if I don't mention my family - my bloodlines - in my thank-you post (not sure at which point did it become that but oh well). Because indeed, I owe them a lot for helping me pull through even during times when they don't agree with me and my life's choices... I would never give up the dysfunctional family I have for another... It is a huge part of what made me who I am today and for that, I'm grateful...

And on top of that, I'm in a job I'm comfortable in and enjoy doing as well as pays the bills. And getting to work with workmates that turned into family. How often do you hear people say they love their jobs and even the people they work with? And I'm not exaggerating when I say we have a boss who's like our dad and fellow colleagues who we argue with like siblings. Bukan mau tambirang la but I have tried something else, something better-paying and came with bigger amounts of perks, something more constructive and strict, and my soul died... Glad to be back doing what I do best; squeezing my brains out looking for the words to form my thoughts, which is not always successful but done with effort. Hahahahahaha.. Oh and, wear whatever the hell i want to work - albeit, proper. :D

Wow, this is a long post! Guess that's what happens when finally get to do something that you've been wanting and wanting to do but kept delaying. I'm glad I stayed up this late (it's 2:42am) to write this really unnecessarily lengthy post about nothing and everything. It's been a while... :) Goodnight, people... Till the next post, Namaste - no I've never even done yoga, but in Hinduism it means, "I bow to the divine in you..." I like that... To respect the spirit that is inside each one of us... So calming.. Ok bai.

Remember, more often than not, it's the little things. ;)

Amy D.

The Angry Bitch Project - FAILED

Alas, the 30-day Angry Bitch Project is over, and deemed failed. I'm honestly sorry for those who actually read it and had more faith in me than I do in myself (and I'm truly grateful that you do). But I'm not sorry that I failed and I'm not going to justify that I did. If there's anything about me that's consistent, it's inconsistency. It was initially depressing to know that. But when I think about it, it really isn't that bad. I'm not proud about it; it would have been very awesome and I'd probably be some sort of a greatness by now if I had been consistent in at least something - other than inconsistency. But to whine, stress out, and talk on and on about it would not do me any good.

Lesson learned; not to challenge myself for anything that needs consistency, like promising to update my blog every single day. Ha. What were you thinking, Amy??

With love,
Yours truly.

Pemalas

Seriously Amy, just how hard is it to consistently update your blog??? Ugh...

Exhausted

I've been exhausted.. Physically and emotionally.. I feel like every single ounce of energy in my body had drained out.. I feel like shutting down for a while..

A LOL-Worthy Part of My Life

It's another public holiday today (TYT's birthday) and here I am in the office, apparently 'looking' for news. Actually, it's more of waiting for news, as in waiting for something newsworthy to happen.

My son Micah is with his dad. What I want more is to go home and just be lazy in front of the TV. But what is more likely to happen if I am to go home is, me screaming bloody murder every 10 minutes or so, freezing at the end of my nerve-system from fear of Micah swallowing dirt/cologne/whatever he's picked up off the floor. Or, me running around the house trying to stop Micah before he lands his foot on the slippery surface of the toilet, or trying to prevent him from jumping off beds or sofas or tables or... anything else hazardous. And the best part is, me trying to enjoy the spot or seat I just took and having have to get up every 3 minutes over and over again, never actually being able to cherish the comfort I managed to steal in the split second Micah decided to sit still. Yup... The joys of being a mother...

It's Saturday and I want so bad to rest. I could use a break. But Saturday or not, public holiday or not, I'll never be able to rest ever again. Thanks to being a journalist and a mother, both of which are full time jobs. Ha ha.

Like my wise Aunt Maria said, "You made the choice now live with it!" which she ended with a "LOL".

I guess it is more torturing than it is funny. Why put a "LOL" to it? I guess it is a lil funny. Funny in a sense that it is sometimes unbelievable how people make the choices they do and then later complaint and whine about their lives, not realizing how they ARE the sum of their choices. The funniest part is, they blame fate or God - whichever applies according to their respective beliefs - for it.

Am I complaining? I hate to admit it, but I guess, this is sort of complaining. I am complaining of having have to work on holidays when I know from the beginning that this is part and parcel of journalism profession, but I agreed to become one anyway and even claimed (in an excited and passionate tone, if I'm recalling it right) that, "I love this job!" Ha ha. And, i am complaining about being tired from motherhood when I know from the very beginning that sex means producing babies and that babies are known to be... occupying. Ha ha.

*smirks*

We are the sum of of our choices. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily sound bitter or negative.. I AM proud of what I've become. Which doesn't necessarily mean that I AM proud of all the choices I made. There are certain choices that I wished I had chosen the other path. But deciding to be a journalist and a mother, are ones that I know I wouldn't have had any other way. No matter how occupying these roles are. LOL.

What A Day

By the time my other half came home this morning, I was already asleep. So going to bed angry was already contributing to waking up on the wrong side of the bed today.

My mother in-law asked me to help her with her specialist appointment at the Bintulu Hospital, which required me to go all the way (it's in a terrible distance) to the hospital, just to change the appointment date. I was fine with it until they made me wait for exactly ONE HOUR and FIFTEEN MINUTES, just to find out that they gave me the wrong instruction. By the time I got superpissed for waiting, they courteously asked me to make my way to the specialist's room to change the appointment date, which took me not more than FIVE bloody MINUTES.

So after doing that, off I go and went back home just to find Joshua still sleeping, which means I have to take the time to do the laundry.

After doing that, off I go to the gym, and upon completing my daily workout, I happily went to the locker to get all freshened up for work, just to find my locker got stuck and won't open and I had to wait for another THIRTY MINUTES for the maintenance guy to break open the bloody locker.

What a day!

I Love Food. Period.

I Love Food. Period. There's no other way I can put it because that is what it is. I love food (except for veggies). I've always been the kind who eats anything and anytime. I've never been concerned of what I eat or drink, because I was never concerned of my weight or health. I'm not proud of it... but I love food!

They say it derives from your upbringing. I thought that was true. But when I look at my parents especially my mom, she's a very, very healthy person and she does watch what she eats. So where do I get this eating habit of mine? (Err... TV commercials?)

I was telling my husband, we need to start practicing a healthy diet, because I really want Micah my son to grow up healthy and have proper diet. Of course he can have peanut butter straight out from the jar every now and then. But generally, I want him to have a balanced diet of protein, calcium, iron, and whatever else listed in the healthy food pyramid. But that must be impossible if I can't control what I eat, right? I'm already feeding him KFC's mashed potatoes. (YUMMY... NO, AMY. Bad, bad mother).

I've never give two pots about my body, even when I was pregnant because I've always loved it the way it is... until recently, when I noticed that people, strangers even, look at my abdomen area the second after they look at my face. It's like, "She looks too young/too cool/too pretty (HAHA) to have that baby bump... Is she 3-months pregnant? No... She can't be wearing jeans if she is... Maybe she's had a baby. Or maybe, she drinks too much beer..." ARGH!!!

My husband, colleagues and I are going on a workout spree starting today. So my husband and I vowed to have breakfast like a King, skip lunch, and skip dinner... Three weeks and many broken vows later, we were having dinner last night saying, "Okay, this is our last dinner," for the umpteenth time. And we keep 'modifying' that diet vow everytime we dine; "Okay, maybe we can have dinner, but with no rice." 5 minutes later, "We can have rice, but only a quarter of what we used to have."

The thing is, I love food so much that I can't think of skipping any or cutting down on any. I can workout like mad but never skip food.

So, whatever works for me, I just hope I'll return to this post with a much brighter future. Translation; healthy diet, hence healthy being and hotter bods!

In the meantime, CHeeRs everyone!

My First Pay

I got my first pay two days ago (Yeay!) and by now it's more than half gone (Sigh...). Naturally, I ought to feel sad by that. But what makes me feel otherwise is the fact that I did more than just spend it on myself this time (yeay!).

So I guess, becoming a mother really does change the way you to see things, the way you prioritize things. I guess I started to realize that I have a person to look after now, not just myself. And indeed, giving makes you feel much, much better than receiving. =D

Cheers everyone!

Me.

Friend. Daughter. Big sister. Little sister. Lover. Fling. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-friend. Mentor. Student. Journalist. Writer. Stranger. Enemy. Companion. Acquaintance. And now.. a MOTHER... *smiles*

Still?

It's been awhile since i last update myself on the political and social news in Malaysia. I think the last thing I remember was, Kok, RPK and the Sin Chew reporter being detained under ISA for petty reasons. And a few other news I can't recall by now. Being in in this line gives you limited time, connection, sources, but mostly a sense of concern to give two pots about stuff like that.

Only today did I 'tergerak hati' to type on Malaysiakini's web address (and thankfully I still remember the login password) and enlighten myself with the latest updates. And my, my... It hadn't change a little.

While leaders around the globe are working on global crises, especially economic as we know how rapidly deteriorating it is, ours - as in Malaysian leaders - are still caught up in worrying about whether yoga affects Islamic faiths, and other issues pertaining to Malay's special rights/privileges. So, what's new?

Still waiting for things to change, even in the slightest ways, before I can blab more about this.

Out.

First Love. Or So We Call It.

There's this notion in my head that never wore off; that I could and would never feel love as truly, as deep, as passionate, as I did when I fell for this one guy at the age of 16. Oh, I had multiple boyfriends before as well as after him. But nothing, and I mean nothing could beat what I felt for him.

This particular guy - the one I could safely say I fell in love with - he was 21 when we met. We were friends, or more of acquaintances, two years prior to being a couple. Unlike the guys I've been with before him (and sadly, even after him), he made me feel... Gosh, I don't even know how to describe that feeling. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to cry yet jump with joy, secure yet scared, ALL at the same time. It's just indescribable. And the first kiss, it felt like the whole world just faded and silenced and for a moment there, it was just me, him, and our feelings, completely NOTHING else...

The 'KISS'. The one that makes you feel like you mean something to someone, completely you, the whole you, and being loved for just YOU. And that kiss that automatically closes you eyes and you'd just float, like you're not where you are... and the kiss that, when you open your eyes, makes you say to yourself, "I want nothing more..." And you don't, because that's all that could ever be.

We went on three years. The journey was bumpy. But it was great. Tremendously great. It was beautiful and I should have known that all good things must come to an end, because it was totally heartbreaking when it ended. It took me years after that trying to mend the pieces. Today, it has been 7 years since it ended, yet I still can't find some of the broken pieces I left then. It's getting better but sometimes, there are still moments while reading a novel, or watching a movie, or listening to a love song, where the image of his face - to the details - would appear in my mind.

It took me a lot of years, letters, men, tears, work, studies, more men, anger, to try and get over him. And when I realized that I can't keep hoping for him to come back, I opened the door again. But my, ain't it hard to open it wide. Opening it ajar is the best that I can do.

For whatever reason that is, I never know for sure. All I know is, I've been infidel towards Love itself. I forgot how it felt like to commit a commitment that comes right out of your heart; committing because you want to, not because you work for it. I forgot how it feels like to care about a person so much it hurts myself. I forgot how it feels like to want to see a person everyday, or always wanting to talk to him. I forgot how it feels like to kiss with meanings deeper than just suggesting "This is going to be adjourned to bed, clothes off." I forgot how to... love.

To all the ones I've been with before and after this one particular guy, I'm sorry. Honestly - and you probably know it better than me - I didn't give it my best. I didn't jump with both feet in. I'm not scared, or afraid of falling in love again. I just don't know how anymore. It's like, a knowledge, if not a feeling, that was robbed off me. For some reason, I just couldn't feel, do, nor think the same about love the way I did. I just don't know how.

I tried. Gave it a shot. But someone always ends up hurt. It came to one point where I just stop. Rather than trying to commit to someone because that someone deserves my loyalty, and to mention, worthy of it, I failed miserably and I just give up trying at all, because the more I try, more people are hurt. So I go on living life... More often than not I meet men whom I would say are worthy of my attention, and probably even effort. I would like them today and think, "Hey, he's not bad," but wake up the next day and just have a 180 degree turned of opinion.

I'm not looking for any relationship right now. But I'd be lying if say that all these petty experiences didn't for one second get me thinking, "How long will this go on?" "How long more would I go around treating men like they're clothes?" "Wouldn't it come to a day when I would look around me and see friends who are settled down, or at least just be with the men they, well.. love?" "And since all the men I'm seeing now are just... men/friends/flirts/platonic friends, which one would I really turn to for everything? For fun, for security, for company, for opinions, for a shoulder, for... love?"

Needless to say, I'm still young. 23. Some would say that it's not time I think about all these commitment issues, that it's not about time for me to worry whether or not I'll settle down sooner or later, that I should play the field. Oh I've played the field alright. And although it was fun at first, eventually I'll sit down at my balcony alone, looking at the stars and wonder, "Will I ever find anyone worthy to share this moment with?" And usually, even after 7 years later, only one face would be vividly pictured in my mind, bringing along with it fresh-like feelings that I once felt when I was 16...

There had been many times when I honestly thought I had let him go, and it's been done in so many ways. We had confronted each other about it (thousands of times) and I should already get my answers, which I did. But I guess, it's only normal that letting go is not easy. Sometimes I wonder why, even after all these years, I'm still not able to really let go of him. Would anyone ever be able to make me feel the way he did just by looking at me? Would anyone ever be able to make my name sound just as sweet whenever he says it? Would anyone ever be able to give me the kind of comfort he gave me? Or the security? And even the fear of losing him? Would anyone ever be able to be the kind of friend he is to me? Would I ever, ever be able to love anyone just like I've loved, and still do, him? Would I ever, ever again... love?

First times are always exciting, unexpected, breath-taking, awesome, fearful, scary... Awesome. But it doesn't mean that second time couldn't be just as great. If only I just put in just as much effort as I did the first time. And the best thing about the second time is that, you get to learn from the first one and do better. *smiles*

No doubt, the memories will always stay. As much as I'd wish the memories and feelings would just fade away so that it would be much easier, they'd stay. And since there's nothing much I can do about it, I might as well make the best out of it; keep it. But it doesn't mean I should stop giving myself a chance, giving other people the chance, giving love a chance. And I shall. First thing first, get rid of the stupid notion. *smiles*

Change

Change. A word, more often than not, repeated in the mouths of many since the past few decades, but more prominently so since the past few months. Is it happening? The current ruling party lost its 2/3 majority for the first time last March. Five states of this nation, who had in majority voted for the Opoosition, make up a lot of people. It is a way of saying, "No more." I would say, it is starting.

The Opposition may or may not fail to do what they promised they would fulfill when/if they managed to take over the governance of this country. By the time that (take-over) happens, they'll probably be fighting amongst themselves - with the predominantly Chinese DAP in it, Islamic State-visioned PAS in it, and the Keadilan in it. We can't deny the possibility that what's happening amongst the BN coalition (pissed Gerakan and MCA peeps) can happen to the Opposition. But hey, let's accept the fact that the current situation in our government is already screwed anyway, and what we really need right now, is CHANGE. Any change now would do, probably even if it means passing on the governance to people whose ability to bring about a positive change we doubt. But any change would do. Long as we do something about it. If they (the Opposition) said they can change this country, then give them that chance. How else would we know and then learn to trust a person's driving skills without even giving them the chance to put their hands on the steering wheel?

A friend I was having a drink with asked me, "What exactly do we need to change?" after telling me how he's sick of people - bloggers, in particular - who just can't stop complaining and firing up opinions of their readers to chastise the government along with them. He said, "You've never been to Indonesia or India before and try living there. You don't really take into consideration how aweful it is there. Ugly politics? Check. Corruption? Check. Blood-spilling riots? Check. Checked all these and they are way worse than what our people keep complaining about here. Why don't we just be thankful for what we have? What's there to change?"

He has a point. He is right about being thankful how things are not as bad as the condition of other war-tormented countries. But friend, this isn't about only complaining. This isn't about how ungrateful we are for the country we were born in and live in. This is about loving this country too much to let it be run the way it is being run. This is about loving this country too much to let the same old takes place year by year yet things get worse. This is about loving this country too much to just sit on the problems that are occuring in her economy, education, racial relations, crimes, etc. This is about taking a stand to change, deciding to do something for our country, because she is obviously not well.

The Opposition is blaming the Government for being racists. The Government is blaming the Opposition for being power-obssesed. The Chinese are blaming the Malays for being chauvinistic. The Malays are blaming the Indians for increase of criminal rates. The Borneans are blaming the West Malaysians for being biased. And so on. For the racial tension that is going on in our country, I'd like to just blame our forefathers for not being able to handle what was possibly easily curbed simply by not demanding too much for their own respective race's gain. But now is not the time for blaming. I don't see why if truly, the Government is doing what they're doing for the sake of the Rakyat, the people of this country, can't hear people out instead of detaining them when they bring up the issues that are essential to be discussed. And if truly they are about bringing about betterment for this country, why can't they just accept and discuss the opinions of the Opposition TOGETHER, instead of lashing out at them and create war in the media, defending themselves and boast about what they have done for the people? If truly, they are about this country... Why not?

Will things be better if the Opposition takes over governance? Maybe yes, maybe no. Whatever it is, we can't keep doing things the way we've been doing it for the past decades. Like what Barrack Obama said, "We need a president who can face the threats of the future, not keep grasping at the ideas of the past.” What makes me think that the Government should step down and let others take control? Present was future in the past. And in the past they had said they would change the country to be better for the greater good. But as present is now here, we see that things are only worsening. If they love this country, and the Rakyat, they would be less selfish and see that there must be something wrong in the way they're doing things, and give other people - who claim that they can do something about it - a chance.

And as for us the people, to go about organizing nationwide campaigns might sound too big and not achievable, or even ridiculous to some. The least we can do is not make things worse by being racists or biased in any whatsoever way. I have a dream that one day we will live in a world where everyone live about without being judgmental, regardless of race, of religion, of sexual orientation, of attires, of habits, of anything tangible, where everyone is selfless. Because somehow I believe that indirectly, these little things that rarely cross our worried mind are the ones that cause the bigger things. Microscopic-sized bacterias can take on your life. That's why for things to change, we need to change first, at least change in the way we treat each other.

Being a democratic country, who rules the nation is for us the people to decide. If we can change the way we see things, change the way we assume a person's character, change the way we judge others, and come as one under one name, Malaysia, we can change the country. Martin Luther said this, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," and I share this dream. If we can grasp this and put it to practice, I believe that this country would be a better place. Betterment is not impossible. Change is not impossible.

Sept 16 (yea, the Government-Toppling thing)

It's 6.50pm of September 16, 2008. No news. Nothing. Niente. Nada. Aiso. Wala.
I didn't expect anything to happen really. And just because none of the government MPs jump ship, it doesn't necessarily mean that all the 9-16 furore was in vain and for nothing. Look at the bright side; didn't the opposition got the government to tremble a bit? And, as a result of that, Sabah and Sarawak are suddenly getting all of the attention, scared that the wooing of the opposition would convince them to jump ship. Fascinating.
If there's anything that went wrong in all this commotion, it's only the accuracy of the chronology. Anwar shouldn't have named a date. But hey, for all you know, something is already happening. We'll see.

I Love It This Way

I can't remember what personality test that was, but here's what it had to say about me:

"Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural lead, who's quick to make decisions - though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once, someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

"You are more of a rebellious person that really doesn't follow anyone. You are kind of mixed up and all over the place, but you love it that way. You are that kind of easy breezy person, you believe in letting things go, life is too short. You love to just have fun and be the life of the party. You always make a big entrance. You also believe rules are definitely meant to be broken."

Friends, please do tell me if any part of that statement is wrongfully put. I don't know about the rest of it but I agree with the ones that i've put in bold, italic, and in larger font size.

I especially like the part, "...kind of mixed up and all over the place." I am. I gotta admit that. But I'm fine that way. I've live 23 years of my life like that, and it never got me into trouble. A few good friends had good-willingly pointed that out, and I accept it willingly because that's how I am and I never killed anyone or destroyed anybody's life by being like that. That is why I never bothered feeling guilty or bad about it. Until very recently...

That person - whose name or gender I won't disclose, so let's just call that person shithead and refer to him/her as 'it' - made it very clear that 'it' was freakin pissed because I didn't have a PLAN. 'It' described my unplanned method of going home as being DISCORTEOUS. I was taken aback, because out of all the many friends and acquaintances I have, not one of them ever, EVER described me as being such. Well, they're either never completely honest with me, or 'it' was just (and still is) a big asshole. Or 'it' was just totally right; I'm a mess.

Okay, I am a mess. I'm all over the place. My clothes are never really folded and placed properly; my books are all over the place; my stuff are all over the house; my bag are full of things i don't really need to carry around all the time; my timing is really bad; I decide to do too many things at a time and end up not completing any of them; and the list goes on...

But what gives shithead the right to criticize me like 'it' did? What gives 'it' the right to be so hard on me because of something that makes me, me? I just don't get it. But the weirdest part is, I don't get why am I so pissed. So farkin pissed.

I guess it's partly because no one ever say that about me. In fact, no one was ever pissed because of my character. EVER. But most of all, it's because I know shithead was right. And 'it' made me realize that not everbody can tolerate my disorganized, indecisive attitude. I know 'it' is right. But as long as no lives are at cost because of my character, I don't think I'd ever change. Ha ha ha.

Please don't think of me as being stubborn or hard-headed. But I am who I am and it had helped me digged through the lows. Life is not always sunny, and for the rainy days, you'll need someone who can dance through it. If I am to be a decisive, future-oriented, organized person, I wouldn't have been where nor how I am today. Well, I might be in better shoes but hey, I doubt I'd be any happier.

Every single person has different characteristics. Every one has different ways of approaching life. And I am the kind of person who prefers living life happily, with no worries; whatever happens, happens - which most of the time leads to last minute decisions. That's why I don't have plans, because people get upset when things don't go according to planned. Let the kind of people who likes making plans, make the plan. And let no-plan people like me cheer you up when the plans don't work. And shithead, can't you just enjoy the colorful characteristics of people? Wouldn't it be a boring world if everyone is like you?

About Life and Sunscreen

• "Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."
• Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
• Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
• Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

This is part of Baz Lurhmann's piece, Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). It's a song actually but I don't know if that's what you call it coz he literally just talked throughout the entire composition. But ya, that aside, I LOVE this song; advices dispensed in a humorous way yet makes a lot of sense.

The four pintpointed ones are my favorite pieces of advice. Well actually the whole set of it is. In many ways, he's just saying that we should dispose of all the bad parts of life (or at least take them as lessons), and enjoy the good parts of it. Every cloud has a silver lining. And as cliche as that sounds, trust me, it's true. I'm not old enough to give that kind of advice and maybe you'll feel like slapping my face saying, "No it's not okay, you don't understand how hard this is." But yea, I've been through some tough shit as well. No, I'm not talking about been-dumped-by-my-boyfriend kind of shit. There's seriously more to life than that. So girls, when this kind of shit happens to you, please don't bother posting about it on Friendster bulletins or Facebook shout-outs; there are people losing their loved ones through deaths.

And that there are many things in life - especially the small ones that we tend to overlook - are the ones that actually define who we are. Do not take ANY thing for granted. All of it - bits and pieces - matter.

*smiles* Just something I had to share.

Cheers!

p/s: I agree with Lurhmann, right-on! But not in the most important part of it tho', sunscreen.

No-mood Random Post

Another massive traffic jam yesterday evening on the way home from work and I thought to myself, "What the hell? Another Anwar-related speculations???" The traffic was sooo damn bad. Asif and I were stuck in the car for 3-f***ing hours, remained static in one spot for 1-damned-hour. Can you imagine that? We were going crazy until I thought of a good idea to pass the time; found an NSync audio CD in his car and we put it on full volume (yea, it was REALLY loud) and sang, as well as dance, along. We must have looked like a couple of silly kids, or insane adults, singing at the top of our lungs, with the windows winded down, holding cigarettes in our hands and dancing... to NSync??? What the??? Well, what two spontaneous friends can do.

I officially consider myself as an anti-government, as I found myself blaming them every chance I got. But I'm no pro-opposition either, although i do believe that there are fabrications in a lot of the government's deeds - be it good or bad.

Hey, I checked out Saiful's med report from the Pusrawi Hospital, posted on RPK's blog. Looks genuine. Maybe it is. I don't buy it 100% tho. I read the mainstream media's side of the story too. As expected, they denied every claim. Kudos.

(read it here)

Nothing much today. Don't really feel like it.

Cheers.

Yours truly.

Too Bad To Move On

A man was found dead in what is believed to be suicide, yesterday morning. Two of his children aged four and one respectively were also dead, just nearby him. The guy was in the process of divorce. It is aasumed that prior to taking his own life, he poisoned his children. And they presumed that he did what he did because of depression due to family issues.

It aches anyone to hear such news (especially when you're on your way to work very early in the morning... what a day-starter). Some would have reacted with an out-spoken "Bodoh," or "Why the hell did he do that?" Some would have said, "Kesian." Some would have not even bother reacting to it (yah, i know some really indifferent scumbags). Some would have said nothing in reaction, for whatever reason.

I said nothing. Not because I don't give a shit about some Malay guy in Nibong Tebal took his own life after killing his kids. I think it was too sad to know such things are happening. Not shocked, because we have heard such cases happened before. Note the plural form of c.a.s.e.(s). And that's what's making me sad about it. It seems that many people are turning into suicide as an answer to their lives' problems.

And it got me thinking, this guy could have been anyone i know. It could even be me. Life can get pretty ugly, as we all know and went through. I won't deny the possibility of any one of us resorting to such solution. Most people are too proud to admit that they'd be stupid enough to kill themselves. Or that life for them is too good to even think of it. I don't blame them. We've all had our shares of highs and lows. But were our lows as disturbing, confusing and depressing as that of Shaari Hamid's? What i meant to say is that, what could be so bad that you have to end lives? Life is a one-time oppurtunity. How screwed up can it get that a person can just destroy such oppurtunity?

My answer is, nothing can be that bad. Nothing can be so screwed-up that there's no solution other than end a life. As long as there's breath, one is capable of anything. Of course a mute person can't sing. But i know a mute friend who can play the guitar. And of course a wheel-chair bound person can't dance. But I know a friend, Susan Leong, who has no ability to speak, walk, or respond properly, and she writes song lyrics. I'm getting somewhere. Read on.

I don't dare say that I'm not going to be stupid enough to commit suicide as an answer to life's difficulties. I don't dare say that if life hits me hard someday, suicide would be the last thing on my mind. I don't dare say that i'm strong enough to face any kinds of problems in life. Because i'm not strong. Trust me, I learned it the hard way.

I believe that i hadn't survived a tough childhood on my own accord, that there's a great source of strength that had sustained me throughout all the troubles, the high-tides of life. Many times i felt like giving up. Well actually, by attempting suicide three times during my teenage years, i've already given up. But i guess the Big Guy up there refused to give up on me and thus rejected taking my life just yet.

The one thing that i believe a person should have in his/her life is a belief. A belief in something greater beyond human strength. Some things, most things, no... ALL things couldn't be possible without that belief in a God; at least i think so. And somehow i wish, I could have detected all these people who were so troubled in life and committed suicide, moments or a day before they did so, to share with them what I believe, and maybe change their mind... *Silence*

No Government-Chastising Today, Folks.

My fellow intern and i were standing in front of this building we work in, taking our daily dosage of nicotine. And what we usually do is watch the cars that pass by (our office is facing the main road, located in the middle of the city, so quite a number of vehicles to look at, and really good, expensive ones too). He pretty much enlightened me with a lot of info about cars (a total car-freak, thus, very in-depth knowledge). And then it came to me, "If i can own a car, ANY car in the world and being given a lifetime support of fuel for it, what would i buy?"

I''ve always loved big, bulky, 4WD cars. So i came up with the coolest car i could think of, a hummer. Hummer H2 SUT to be exact (no, i don't know that much about cars, but there is such a thing as the search engine *winks*). Bulky, big, bullet-proof (well, i don't actually know what's the use of having such attributes in a car, especially when you're no celebrity or president of anything. Heck), and still sophisticated. I loike.

But that's if i have all the money in the world lah. Damn that thing is like 5cc man. Imagine how much will be spent on fuel. Ooooooohhh...

So, i popped the balloon above my head and thought of something more achievable and realistic. I want a Jeep Wrangler. A TJ Wrangler Rubicon. I know it's a 2-door, but it's also convertible. Ahhh... (imagining myself driving along the coastline of Marblehead, Massasuchetts, at sunset, alone... Okay, okay, Jalan Putatan-Kinarut would do, as long as it's sunset time). Nice...

Anyway, there goes my wishlist of cars. It's good to do this sometimes. At least i have my mind set on something, which i rarely do. Haha!

Cheers!

Me & My Dirty Mouth

Profanity had ruled my mouth since i can't remember when. I can't recall when exactly did i start to use foul language as an expression of emotion like anger, or as a way to stress on adjectives, like how funny a joke is. But i'm feeling like i need to get rid of this habit of swearing. What if one day in the house of my future-possible husband candidate, in front of a future mother-in-law, i blurt out words too improper to be deemed acceptable? What would that make of me, and of what they think of me? *Sighs*

Some people find it funny, that i just can't help myself from using these "dirty" words in my daily conversation. While some just think that it's rude and that i need to learn how not to say such things anymore. But like i said, I can't help it. It just comes out... Whoosh!

Johnny is trying really hard to help me control the words that i use, because really, my mouth is soo dirty. So he sealed this deal with me; RM1 for every foul words that i blurt out, purposely or not. We sealed this deal about a week ago. So far, i owed him RM37. And that is only when he's around. He left for Aussie couple of days after. So now i'm using all the liberty i have swearing. Ha ha.

But really, i'm starting to wonder (a doing i'd never done before) how do people view me with all the profane words i splattered around them? Everytime i see something so nice that the word 'magnificent' just won't do, everytime i refer to something so great that the word 'awesome' just won't do, there goes "F***in nice!" "S***, f***in awesome!" "Ki**, punya smart!"

*Sighs*

If it's something that my mother is advicing me not to do, then i guess it must be a really bad habit. And if it's at the point that my mother is telling me why i shouldn't be doing it anymore, then that must have meant that other mothers or aunties, or anyone with the right kind of mindset for that matter, would also agree with. And although i've always been the kind of person who doesn't give a shit - excuse me - who doesn't give a pot of what other people think, i guess it's about time i know the definition of manners, and where the line crosses...

p/s: ... provided that you don't cross my line. Ha ha.

Fighter Jets Over The Dying

I had just entered Tesco with my housemates when a middle-aged Chinese man approached us and enlightened us with all the information regarding MAKNA and cancer. Nope, i didn't yawn neither did i feel sleepy at all. I heard of MAKNA before this but i didn't know that we can actually register to donate through our bank accounts or income taxes, which is cool. There are packages available, you can choose from, according to how much you think you can afford to donate every month, totally up to yourself.

I was happy this man showed up and feed us with the inoformation. Although, it was actually a mistake because he thought we were working adults (i just got back from the office - yeah, where i'm doing my practical training in - so i was in my power suit, ha ha, which might have led him to think that i'm currently working). ANYWAY... Yah, as i was saying, it's good to know that such method of donation exists. I'll give it a thought once i start earning a stable financial resources called wage.

But throughout the entire time this man was telling me about the number of cancer patients in Malaysia alone, and the figures needed to help assist them in medication, i was thinking, "If only i have all the money in the world..." RM50,000 needed for a child with leukimia. But our government spent RM20,000 per candidate for election campaigns. We can even seal a US$900 million deal for fighter jets. Fighter jets and political party flags, over sick and dying children... How pathetic.

I have money. I get a RM3k loan for every six months. Yes, i might have spent it all on stuffs that most people including my mother would have deemed as unecessary. If only i had chose to give that RM1 to that beggar i passed by this morning at the monorail station instead of buying a RM100 PDI jeans, then maybe i have every right to chastise the government and the rich A-class folks earning RM50 000 a month for not contributing to MAKNA or any non-profitable organizations for that matter. But i had chosen the jeans over the poor beggar who could have had something for lunch with the RM1 i could have given him.

Shiite.