First Love. Or So We Call It.

There's this notion in my head that never wore off; that I could and would never feel love as truly, as deep, as passionate, as I did when I fell for this one guy at the age of 16. Oh, I had multiple boyfriends before as well as after him. But nothing, and I mean nothing could beat what I felt for him.

This particular guy - the one I could safely say I fell in love with - he was 21 when we met. We were friends, or more of acquaintances, two years prior to being a couple. Unlike the guys I've been with before him (and sadly, even after him), he made me feel... Gosh, I don't even know how to describe that feeling. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to cry yet jump with joy, secure yet scared, ALL at the same time. It's just indescribable. And the first kiss, it felt like the whole world just faded and silenced and for a moment there, it was just me, him, and our feelings, completely NOTHING else...

The 'KISS'. The one that makes you feel like you mean something to someone, completely you, the whole you, and being loved for just YOU. And that kiss that automatically closes you eyes and you'd just float, like you're not where you are... and the kiss that, when you open your eyes, makes you say to yourself, "I want nothing more..." And you don't, because that's all that could ever be.

We went on three years. The journey was bumpy. But it was great. Tremendously great. It was beautiful and I should have known that all good things must come to an end, because it was totally heartbreaking when it ended. It took me years after that trying to mend the pieces. Today, it has been 7 years since it ended, yet I still can't find some of the broken pieces I left then. It's getting better but sometimes, there are still moments while reading a novel, or watching a movie, or listening to a love song, where the image of his face - to the details - would appear in my mind.

It took me a lot of years, letters, men, tears, work, studies, more men, anger, to try and get over him. And when I realized that I can't keep hoping for him to come back, I opened the door again. But my, ain't it hard to open it wide. Opening it ajar is the best that I can do.

For whatever reason that is, I never know for sure. All I know is, I've been infidel towards Love itself. I forgot how it felt like to commit a commitment that comes right out of your heart; committing because you want to, not because you work for it. I forgot how it feels like to care about a person so much it hurts myself. I forgot how it feels like to want to see a person everyday, or always wanting to talk to him. I forgot how it feels like to kiss with meanings deeper than just suggesting "This is going to be adjourned to bed, clothes off." I forgot how to... love.

To all the ones I've been with before and after this one particular guy, I'm sorry. Honestly - and you probably know it better than me - I didn't give it my best. I didn't jump with both feet in. I'm not scared, or afraid of falling in love again. I just don't know how anymore. It's like, a knowledge, if not a feeling, that was robbed off me. For some reason, I just couldn't feel, do, nor think the same about love the way I did. I just don't know how.

I tried. Gave it a shot. But someone always ends up hurt. It came to one point where I just stop. Rather than trying to commit to someone because that someone deserves my loyalty, and to mention, worthy of it, I failed miserably and I just give up trying at all, because the more I try, more people are hurt. So I go on living life... More often than not I meet men whom I would say are worthy of my attention, and probably even effort. I would like them today and think, "Hey, he's not bad," but wake up the next day and just have a 180 degree turned of opinion.

I'm not looking for any relationship right now. But I'd be lying if say that all these petty experiences didn't for one second get me thinking, "How long will this go on?" "How long more would I go around treating men like they're clothes?" "Wouldn't it come to a day when I would look around me and see friends who are settled down, or at least just be with the men they, well.. love?" "And since all the men I'm seeing now are just... men/friends/flirts/platonic friends, which one would I really turn to for everything? For fun, for security, for company, for opinions, for a shoulder, for... love?"

Needless to say, I'm still young. 23. Some would say that it's not time I think about all these commitment issues, that it's not about time for me to worry whether or not I'll settle down sooner or later, that I should play the field. Oh I've played the field alright. And although it was fun at first, eventually I'll sit down at my balcony alone, looking at the stars and wonder, "Will I ever find anyone worthy to share this moment with?" And usually, even after 7 years later, only one face would be vividly pictured in my mind, bringing along with it fresh-like feelings that I once felt when I was 16...

There had been many times when I honestly thought I had let him go, and it's been done in so many ways. We had confronted each other about it (thousands of times) and I should already get my answers, which I did. But I guess, it's only normal that letting go is not easy. Sometimes I wonder why, even after all these years, I'm still not able to really let go of him. Would anyone ever be able to make me feel the way he did just by looking at me? Would anyone ever be able to make my name sound just as sweet whenever he says it? Would anyone ever be able to give me the kind of comfort he gave me? Or the security? And even the fear of losing him? Would anyone ever be able to be the kind of friend he is to me? Would I ever, ever be able to love anyone just like I've loved, and still do, him? Would I ever, ever again... love?

First times are always exciting, unexpected, breath-taking, awesome, fearful, scary... Awesome. But it doesn't mean that second time couldn't be just as great. If only I just put in just as much effort as I did the first time. And the best thing about the second time is that, you get to learn from the first one and do better. *smiles*

No doubt, the memories will always stay. As much as I'd wish the memories and feelings would just fade away so that it would be much easier, they'd stay. And since there's nothing much I can do about it, I might as well make the best out of it; keep it. But it doesn't mean I should stop giving myself a chance, giving other people the chance, giving love a chance. And I shall. First thing first, get rid of the stupid notion. *smiles*