This Is Home

For the past 2 years of my life, going back to my hometown KK had always been a joy that I'd immediately update my Facebook status about the excitement of it all; booked tickets, packed stuff, and embracing my beloved family members and friends in KK...

But this time, I feel the complete opposite of happy... Because this time, I'm going back for good...

Micah and I are leaving in four days time... But I haven't packed.. It's either because I don't know where to start, or I don't want to start packing...

I feel bad for saying that because I'm supposed to be excited to go home to my all-loving mother, my much-loved sister Sam and brother Elon, my supportive friends, my skinny dog Butter.. Home to where everything is or was familiar...

But by now, familiar is here, Bintulu... Home is here, Bintulu.. Family is each and every one of my in-laws; Papa, Mama, sisters Miin, Ahien, Ahui, nephew Aaron, and Micah's little cousins Icha, Hanna, Eunice, and the most recent member, baby Adam... And not forgetting our dog Lucky Oreo..

But most importantly, my bestest of friends, my bolster, my other half, my cook, my partner, my husband, my love, Joshua... who can't transfer as soon as now and we would have to be apart for some time before he could be transferred...

It's so heartbreaking to leave something that you have gotten used to for quite some time.. But more than that, it's so heartbreaking to leave people who had been treating you so well, people whom you have learned to love, people who had loved you just as much...

I love my mother with all my heart and she knows that... Coming here leaving her and my family behind 2 years ago to be with my husband was just as heartbreaking as this.. But this is my home now... And it's not like I don't have any plans to transfer back to KK for good. I do, but it's not supposed to be this soon...

I'm just settling down with everything... Work is slowly getting better and I just love working here albeit the politics of this state and country, but daily tasks wise, it's really everything anyone could ever ask for... It's fun, enlightening, hectic yet relaxing at the same time.. I have colleagues that I'm able to work well with.. The pay is not so bad.. My bosses are excellent people whom I can go out and have drinks with... It's terrific...

And then there's Micah and his surrounding... He's blending in so well; wake up in the morning and go downstairs to greet his Kung Kung (grandpa) and Akek (grandma) and cousins Icha, Hanna and Eunice (tho he calls all of them same name, Hanna, probably because that's the easiest to pronounce)... Papa will feed him and the other girls before I bathe him to get ready for schools (the nursery)..

At school he is just one happy kid.. Greeting his teachers at arrival and then he would run around playing with all the toys... I started sending him there since he was 6 months old.. It's where he learned how to walk, talk, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, learn the ABC, learn how to say thank you, how to clean up his toys, how to be disciplined through time-outs... And he's learning so well... His teachers love him like he is their own kid...

I would pick him up at 5 and then drive around a little or go home straight, where he would continue playing with his cousins... If I have to work at night, he'd spend more time with them under the care of either Aaron, Ahui, or just about anyone at home.. And if I don't have work at night, I'd stay home with all of them, just mingle in the living room while my father-in-law prepares dinner for all of us (he's really, really good in the kitchen).. We would watch Mama's Hokkien drama series on 8TV, which we initially didn't want to but learned to follow because it's plots have become familiar and make you want to know what happens next. And then we'd have dinner, sometimes together, sometimes separately, depending on everyone's availability and appetite..

It's differently similar routine every day (does that make sense?). As family, there are days when we don't feel like talking to each other, but it is still is okay because everything goes back to normal within an hour or less... But it's the little things like Micah and girls dancing and singing, even fighting over toys, and we're all there to watch them grow and bond together, learning new things everyday, that will make me miss being a part of this family, that make me want to stay here longer... It's when we talk about the things that happen to us all in a days work.. It's when we talk about the kids.. It's when we laugh about how Aaron's sentence doesn't make sense.. It's when we all shouted, "Micah your son is on TV!" together when Just The Way You Are is aired on MTV.. It's when Mama calls out, "Amy makan!" or 'ngerepak' (complaining or something like that) about the mess at the living room. It's when Papa tells us facts about the types of fishes and how to cook them during dinner. It's when Micah sees his grandpa's shirt on the floor, picks it up and yell, "Kung Kung!" before going and had it over to Papa. It's when Icha asks me, "Aunty pegi siney?" everytime I go out for work and tells me, "Jangan lambat2 k." It's when Hanna breaks a little bit of her biscuit to give half of it to Micah. It's when Eunice cries out freaking loud and we all yell, "Udah gik!" It's when all of us make an effort to be there at home, and have a decent dinner together mainly prepared by Papa and Joshua for Chinese New Year Eve. It's when they lend me money when I need some. It's how the shampoo or the eggs run out and somebody will always buy more of them. It's every little thing that sums up FAMILY and HOME...

I miss them already... When at first I had no idea how to be a part of the Chua family, barely talking comfortably because of the slang barrier, or not knowing when to get out of my room and how to sit comfortably in the living room with all of them, I am now a full-fledged Chua family member.. Because it feels right to be home at Lucky Tower than anywhere else... It's okay to be myself and for them to be themselves around me... And tho I get to have my own space in the room if I want to, I prefer spending time with them watching TV at the living room while the kids play around..

I have no idea where does it go from here... I've been crying since I knew I'm leaving for good, everytime I get the chance to be alone, especially when driving.. I'm always thinking to myself, "Look at this place, the place that I was a little reluctant to come to, but now I find so hard to leave..."

I like to think that I'm only going away for a long-period traveling trip, and that I'll be coming back soon (that probably explains why it's so hard to pack my stuff, coz I don't wanna think I'm going for good)..

Of course I'll always be back for certain occasions like Chinese New Year, which my family here celebrates.. And I want to make it a point to come back whenever I have the chance, because I don't want to forget about this place, nor the people that I've built my world around for the past two years.. I don't want to forget how being here feels like.. I don't want to forget about what it feels like to live here, and be a full-fledged Sarawakian. And I most definitely don't want my son to forget anything he had here...

Because this once unfamiliar place is now my home... And I'll always come home... Always...

Besides, there is nothing wrong about having two homes, is there? =)