I'm starting to get frustrated with myself again for not being able to be consistent with a lot of things including posting on this blog, my relationships - with Aniq, with the kids, especially Micah, with the podcast, with my social media, with my eating and lifestyle, with any ideas of how I can do better, and ready to just give up... give up from trying to do better.
And then I'm reminded that healing and growth is a process... That everything is a learning opportunity... That THIS is where the growth, the 'better', happens... I'm in the thick of it... That's why is harder... That's why I feel like giving up...
And this is what I will continue to work on this new year... It's January 30th, 2023. If our life in a year is dispersed into months like chapters in a book, then the first chapter is almost over and we're going into the second chapter pretty soon. How then my first chapter of this new book in my life saga looked like?
Pictures on my phone gallery would make it seem like I managed to achieve some kind of stability in my home and working life... But if I check in with my body what would it remember more of, it's the sense that I had gone through shitty, uncomfortable, dysregulated moments more than I did authentically happy ones...
But here comes a thought; didn't we learn that it's rough waters that make a good sailor? Or smooth seas never make a skillful sailor? And I think it was Alan who said something about how the best lessons or opportunities to practice are brought to us in the most uncomfortable and sticky situations... Wow, I'm literally just realising this NOW as I'm typing... Could this be the power of journaling? Yeah... It feels like it... That familiar sense of finding joy and purpose in something you do, in something I used to do a lot; journaling, is kicking in...
THIS is why we write, Amy... And do better; stay here for a bit... Here, this rare and often neglected little space of feeling pure joy for doing something...
It may never and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, but you... So cherish this. And do more of it, come home to your body, Amy... Even if no one ever reads this or get it at all, you know you've done it for your self. And that's all that matters... Baba nam kevalam...
Till the next one, ciao.
