Am I A Fool Goin' Where the Wind Blows?

Here is a song that I've always been able to relate to, since I knew of it when I was 16.. especially during those low moments where I feel stuck in a rut and just wanna get out but I don't know how.. At 25, going on 26 in two months time, now a wife, a mother, and a journalist, I still have those moments... I've learned that they are necessary, in deciding where do you wanna or should go next... I haven't figure it out yet... But at the moment, this song is my source of solace, and probably answers lie around in it, only I couldn't see them yet...

"Goin' Where The Wind Blows"

Someone said life is for the taking
Here I am with my hand out waiting for a ride
I've been living on my great expectations
What good is it when I'm stranded here
And the world just passes by?
Where are the signs to help me get out of this place?

If I should stumble on my moment in time,
How will I know?
If the story's written on my face, does it show?
Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows?

Here I sit halfway to somewhere
Thinking about what's in front of me and
what I left behind
On my own, supposed to be so easy
Is this what I've been after
Or have I lost my mind?
Maybe this is my chance coming to take me away

If I should stumble on my moment in time,
How will I know?
If the story's written on my face, does it show?
Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows?

Here I am walking naked through the world
Taking up space, society's child
Make room for me, make room for me,
make room for me

Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool
Going where the wind blows?

Down

I'm in such a low period of my life... I feel weak physically, emotionally, and spiritually.. I can't decide what should I do next... It's so intense that I can't even write properly... Ugh... Where art thou, my salvation? ='(

Numb

The other day when I was rushing to make it for the 11am mass at St. Anthony, having had to rush between the house to check on Micah and the rehearsal for an event I was emceeing for, I realized that I could not make it on time, and I screamed in frustration, before I broke down and cried...

Part of why I cried was probably because I was so exhausted juggling everything from my baby to double jobs and then church. Also, I may had been angry at my husband for not being around that particular weekend to attend a friend's wedding 4-hours drive away, especially when he knew I had an event to emcee for.

But as I was crying in the car that day, while also trying to figure out what exactly was I so sad and angry for, it hit me, and I said it out loud, "Lord I'm sorry for trying to justify every bad decision I make..." I realized I place to many blames in people and situations, and giving excuses for the things that I could've or should've done but didn't, and for the things that I couldn't have or shouldn't have done, but did...

That day for instance, I could have woken up at 5am to attend the 7am mass instead, knowing that I have a rehearsal for the rest of the day. But I didn't, simply because I wanted to have that extra 10 minutes of sleep which prolonged for another 1hour.

It's a small thing, not being able to make it to mass... But why did I cry so hard, like somebody had died?

The truth is, I died. I have been dead for a very long time now... I have a wonderful life; a job I love and pays me well; my wonderful and incredible baby son; my loving, helpful and understanding husband; my wonderful and ever understanding family and in-laws... I have great friends and companions to hang out during weekends with, or get crazy with... But truth is, there is a huge void in me, and I know exactly Who can fill in that void...

I miss being that joy-filled, 15-year-old who just found forgiveness and renewal in Christ's unconditional love, and envisioned her life to be sin-free, dedicated to serving others and God faithfully... I miss that 18-year-old who discovered that being sin-free and dedicated to God wasn't as easy as she thought it would have been. She failed and fell, but God brought her up again. And as useless as she thought the whole idea of renewal was, only to keep falling again and again, she got back up because she knew God will never give up on her, and neither should she.

I miss that 23-year-old, who found out that in order for her to grow, stepping out of the comfort-zone is inevitable... Being let go into the real world alone without her usual family and friends only mean that she has to learn to find God in other people, other situations, other circumstances, other perspectives... And as hard as it was, she tried, because she knew that nothing could go wrong coz she is spoken for...

I'm going to be 26 this year, and had not felt the presence of God in my life for a very long time... I've spoken about the absence of God many times in this blog, and how agonizing it is to wait for that renewal moment, coz it always felt so long. But this time, it's been really, really long.

By absence it doesn't necessarily mean that i stopped praying, or that God stopped answering.. I pray like I always did, and He answered like He always did. But I can't feel a thing. I'm numb. Going to church every Sunday and trying to participate in any church activities in between were just, that and nothing else. And that sucks. Coz I feel like a zombie; walking around healthily but have no soul... To me, that's death.

I've always been the kind of person who emphasized on soul-searching and self-discovery... And the only way I always do that is through spirituality... That is why when everything feels wrong when everything is in the right place (or so it seems), I know exactly which part of my life is wrong, which effects everything else...

And that's the thing, I KNOW, but I don't know what to do anymore... And every time I blog something about this, I would usually find optimism at the end of every piece... But this time, I'm just, numb... =( So help me God...

Exhausted

I've been exhausted.. Physically and emotionally.. I feel like every single ounce of energy in my body had drained out.. I feel like shutting down for a while..

A LOL-Worthy Part of My Life

It's another public holiday today (TYT's birthday) and here I am in the office, apparently 'looking' for news. Actually, it's more of waiting for news, as in waiting for something newsworthy to happen.

My son Micah is with his dad. What I want more is to go home and just be lazy in front of the TV. But what is more likely to happen if I am to go home is, me screaming bloody murder every 10 minutes or so, freezing at the end of my nerve-system from fear of Micah swallowing dirt/cologne/whatever he's picked up off the floor. Or, me running around the house trying to stop Micah before he lands his foot on the slippery surface of the toilet, or trying to prevent him from jumping off beds or sofas or tables or... anything else hazardous. And the best part is, me trying to enjoy the spot or seat I just took and having have to get up every 3 minutes over and over again, never actually being able to cherish the comfort I managed to steal in the split second Micah decided to sit still. Yup... The joys of being a mother...

It's Saturday and I want so bad to rest. I could use a break. But Saturday or not, public holiday or not, I'll never be able to rest ever again. Thanks to being a journalist and a mother, both of which are full time jobs. Ha ha.

Like my wise Aunt Maria said, "You made the choice now live with it!" which she ended with a "LOL".

I guess it is more torturing than it is funny. Why put a "LOL" to it? I guess it is a lil funny. Funny in a sense that it is sometimes unbelievable how people make the choices they do and then later complaint and whine about their lives, not realizing how they ARE the sum of their choices. The funniest part is, they blame fate or God - whichever applies according to their respective beliefs - for it.

Am I complaining? I hate to admit it, but I guess, this is sort of complaining. I am complaining of having have to work on holidays when I know from the beginning that this is part and parcel of journalism profession, but I agreed to become one anyway and even claimed (in an excited and passionate tone, if I'm recalling it right) that, "I love this job!" Ha ha. And, i am complaining about being tired from motherhood when I know from the very beginning that sex means producing babies and that babies are known to be... occupying. Ha ha.

*smirks*

We are the sum of of our choices. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily sound bitter or negative.. I AM proud of what I've become. Which doesn't necessarily mean that I AM proud of all the choices I made. There are certain choices that I wished I had chosen the other path. But deciding to be a journalist and a mother, are ones that I know I wouldn't have had any other way. No matter how occupying these roles are. LOL.

Malaysia Day? Why Not?

For the past couple of years or so, I've read more about ethnic & religious harmony, and national unity in newspapers and seen or heard it on broadcast, than I ever did in my last 25 years of living as a Malaysian. I don't really know how I feel about it. How do you feel about it?

In a way, it's a good thing; every minister in the cabinet came out saying, "Malaysians are lucky to be able to live in a multiracial yet harmonious country..." or "Our achievements today would not have been possible without the unity and stability that we've kept all these years..." or "The government safeguards the needs of all races and religions in ensuring everyone's development..." And then our beloved and respected Prime Minister Dato' Seri Najib Tun Razak would every now and then appear on TV to spread the 1Malaysia ideology... Romantic, isn't it?

Okay, sarcasm aside, I do honestly sometimes think that it's a great thing. But what pisses me off is the fact that, before this whole 1Malaysia thing started, before all the ministers and the Prime Minister himself emphasized and kept mentioning about national unity and ethnic harmony these days, we never admitted that we were a racist country for a very long time.

To prove that, we are still so used to classifying ourselves by race and religion, or which state we come from. I can safely say that I'm one of the most non-racist or non-religion-classification-judgmental person (if you have a better noun or adjective for that, please correct me) I know. But to this very day, even after all the studies and experiences that I went through to become the non-racist person that I am today, I'm still tempted to answer, "Sino-Kadazan," or "Sabahan" or "Catholic" when being asked of my race or religion. That is not the worst part. The worst part is, there is a little sense of pride when I say that. Like a chauvinistic somehow... And that's sad...

Whether we like or not, or more importantly, whether we admit it or not, we are proud to be the race that we are, more than we are about our nationality. In a way, that's great. But in a larger perspective, that's not a really nice picture. At least I think so. That is because we are not proud as Malaysians. Even more sadly, I don't think we even identify ourselves as Malaysians, but as our respective races, state of origin, and religions instead.. Prove? Quick test; Try to answer "Malaysian," whenever anyone asks you what race you are. It's not that easy (I've tried). You would find yourself pausing before you could answer "Malaysian." And even when you managed to, I bet that the person at the other end would say something like, "Ya lah, I know. But what race?" Get it?

It's not your fault or mine. I think a huge contributing factor to our mindset today, is the fact that we were subconsciously trained to (I can go into details about this years of 'subconscious training', but that would definitely defeat the purpose of this post). It got so bad that I was ever even asked, "Sudah brapa lama di Malaysia?" by someone from the Peninsular, upon learning that my friends and I are from Sabah & Sarawak. This is an experience that I believe so many others share.

But sadness, anger, and disappointment aside, regardless of how long it took the government to declare September 16th as a MALAYSIA DAY, regardless of how many requests and arguments presented and brought forward to the government to finally acknowledge the day Sabah & Sarawak joined Malaya to FORM MALAYSIA, I think we should just all rejoice that well, Sept 16th is NOW Malaysia Day.

And despite the fact that the 1Malaysia concept came about a little too late I would say (although I think Dato' Seri Najib should have came up with the idea before the March 2008 general election to make it look more real and believable), maybe we should just all put our doubts, differences, disagreements (and sarcasms) aside, and give it a shot. 1Malaysia, People First, Performance Now? Why not. *wink wink*

Happy Malaysia Day everyone.

Cheers!

Amy & Her Life - As of August 2010

I've promised myself over and over again that I would update my blog OFTEN, say maybe at least WEEKLY. Over and over again, I failed, hence, the repetition of promises. I'm a good writer, and part of that is because I used to write out my feelings and updates DAILY, on my blogs. Where did that part of you go, Amy? =(

Anyway, since I'm here now, I might as well post updates of my life and me =)

• As a person, I'm mostly miserable these days due to the fact that I hadn't seen my son for two months now. Everybody thought I wanted to send him to KK to live with my mom because I want to have fun and party with my husband. Even my dad thinks that. But the truth this, my mom wanted to spend more time with her grandson for a little more than just a week. Because since Micah and I moved to Bintulu, we go back once every 3 months and stay for a week. My mom did ask to let him stay behind when we went back for my SPA test in March, but I couldn't at that time. So the next visit last June, I finally gained the guts to let him stay. How did life without Micah around go?
• Since I don't have to feed, bathe, entertain a baby, I have all the time in the world for myself, work, husband, ad house-chores. Even getting ready was made simple, and I actually have time for make-up and hair-do! I even have the time to think and decide on what to wear instead of just grabbing what's lying on the bed. I have time for workout even! And at the end of the day, I get to watch any movie I want, while lying on the bed waiting to doze off. And I doze off in MY OWN sweet time...
• BUT, and it's a BIG BUT... I think of Micah every moment of the day. As much as I try to avoid it, and brush away thoughts of him so that I can do my work properly, he's always on my mind. And every time I think of him, my heart skips a beat, I sigh, and there's this kind of headache caused by a weird feeling, like... a heartache.. And every now and then, I cry myself to sleep, or when I'm driving and i remembered of how he's sit next to me in the car... Worse, I sometimes let it out on my husband and my work..
  
• Having went through that, I know that I want nothing but to be tired and exhausted due juggling between work, personal, and motherhood again. I want to be stressed out due to not being able to stop Micah from crying again. I want to have limited time to dress up because I have to prepare Micah. I do not want extra time for make-up or hair-do. I don't want to have time for movie or putting lotion on my body before bedtime, because i wanna use that time to cuddle and play with Micah until he's tired and sleepy. I just want to have my son back... I want to be Micah's mom again, instead of just the journalist and wife of Joshua Chua..
• Josh and I are flying back to KK this Thursday and back to Bintulu on Sunday, WITH Micah. =)

Jobwise:

• Sarawak Tribune hired me in May. And despite fearing how I would do in the job after leaving the field for so long, and despite starting off without much guidance, I must say I'm proud of myself thus far. My editor told me upfront that I'm productive for a newbie. And barely two months into the job, I've earned bylines and front-page headlines. Covering ministers and issues are not so scary afterall. I never got that chance back in Borneo Post even after nine months working with them. So, thank you Sarawak Tribune.
  
• It turns out, I'm not only good in writing (hence the job as a journalist). Last month, our company collaborated with Parkcity Everly Hotel to organize the Model Search 2010. Despite being new at that time, they, the organizing chairmen, assigned me to become a committee member and an emcee. That one went so well that people from all over started asking me to emcee and sing for their events. =) So I've landed myself a part-time job now.
  
• Due to the success of that event, which my chief editor flew all the way from Kuching for, I managed to build a reputation as a multitask journalist and mother. And to that, I got a first-hand compliment from my boss when he said, "I hired you to become my journalist and you gave me two in return. Well done." =)
• I know, I sound vain here, but I rarely do that and when I do, I'm saying that I'm proud of myself, and I should never look down on myself. *pats on own shoulder*

Spiritual:

• I go to church every Sunday and bring my husband with me. But I know that it's not enough. So I went and approach a lady who is supposed in charge of the ministries at the Catholic church in Bintulu, and told her I want to serve. I can sing or commentate, or read, etc. She welcomed the idea, but as I was talking to her, she was downright judgmental about everything. I can't remember all of it but one of it was her tone about why I chose to marry a non-Catholic. I was immediately discouraged and thought twice about serving them.
• But I know very well that it's never about her or the people in that church anyway. It's all about Jesus... And if I decide I want to serve, it's serving Him and not the people...
  
• Recently, I just found out about something and Josh and I are in for a very tough time. We're still at that stage. But amazingly, when I found out about it, I didn't get angry or pissed off. I didn't question God like I always did whenever something bad happens to me. But instead, I thanked Him for it. Because one week into discovering it, I started seeing changes, good changes in my husband and myself... And I thanked God for it because I know now more than ever, that challenges were put in our lives not to limit us but to strengthen us and make us better people... And I pray that I'll be ever grateful and that we'll look at this problem not as a problem, but as a turning point of our lives to be better... =)

All in all, I must say that I'm a better person than yesterday. And I'm growing (physically yes, but also spiritually, and personally). I 'm a better person than when I was 15, or 18, or 20, or 23. Everyday things happen to make me wiser, stronger, and better... And 10 years from now, I wish to be able to say the same about myself as a person, wife, mother, journalist, daughter, sister and friend... =)
Cheers..