Yours Truly

Nothing lasts forever. I know that. No matter how much you feel for a person, it will end, one way or another. People always leave, for better or worse. Either way, it will end because of dying sparks, or dying, or old age, or other complicated issues... That's why when I met Joshua, who thinks the same thing, we both agreed on a temporary relationship. I mean, aren't they all not permanent?

We became friends, and things were great even then. But who could deny it when attraction plus comfort when they exist between two people and then suddenly being just friends doesn't seem to be enough enough anymore, right?

Things were great even when we were friends, and they're even better when we're together. But knowing our chances, me leaving anytime when my contract ends, him having have to stay here because of work, we know the odds of being together. That's why we agreed on "Let's just be together till we have to part ways," which is kind of silly when you really think about it, you know, trying the waters? Believe it or not, we even reserved a break-up song. it's really not because we look forward to breaking up (or parting ways - a term he prefers to use), but because we know that hoping for or even having the idea of forever is ridiculous, yes, talking by experience.

We spend a lot of time together. And by each moment we spent, he just makes me want him my life more and more. Separating suddenly becomes a dreadful idea. What initially was meant to be a 7-month-fling becomes... something deeper... and how I hated that. I was meant to try the waters, now I've gotten in TOO DEEP...

I vowed a long time ago not to use the word 'LOVE' to describe what I feel towards someone anymore - excluding my ever beloved mom, sisters, brother and best friends. In addition to that, I prevent others from using that word too when they're with me. If any guy - or girl for that matter - wants to use that word with me, go ahead, but be warned that it's very unlikely for me to say it in return, at least, not when i don't mean it... and to mean something like that ain't easy.

You might think that i'm being bitter about the whole relationship thing. Note that i did not say I do not BELIEVE in LOVE. I do. What i don't believe is people. I've had my fair shares of ups and downs to know that the word itself brings more meaning that people think they know. And it's such a shame how people, couples just use that word like a 'HELLO', simply saying, 'Love you, baby' without weighing the word carefully, even to describe lust.

it's such a big word to use... one that's suppose to describe something that would surpass time, trials, challenges, changes, difficulties, mistakes, seasons, everything... If I'm ever going to say it again to someone, or hear someone say it to me again, I would want that person to really think about it, like, would that still be the way he feels about me when things get ugly between us, or when he find out about me ugly past, or when I'm old and wrinkly and not so attractive anymore... would he? Would I still feel that way about him? it's easy to be so fond of a person when things are right... but what if they change?

The last time I told someone I love him - meaning it, taking every single word seriously, like every letter matters, weighing the word really carefully, as in really thinking will I still feel that way about him even when things had changed, even if we've physically changed to be uglier, or if everything else had altered, was a really long time ago... I even forgot how that feels anymore. maybe I've said it once or twice since then, for the sake of saving the relationships... But not the way I felt back then. Not that I remembered.

Since then I've avoided getting involved. Don't get me wrong. The physical part was really easy. It's giving your heart involved that's scary; the part where you just let yourself fall, jump in with both feet, not really caring if you'd drown or hit hard ground because all you cared about was being with him. No, you're not being stupid. You know that it's not going to be easy, messy even. you know that you're going to get hurt, somewhere along the line. You know that it won't last. You know nothing lasts forever. And you know that when it ends, you'll be miserable. In fact, you know that you'll be miserable even as it starts; missing him like mad when he's not around, fretting over small things like unreplied messages, or late calls, not doing things right or having this tremendously ugly mood when you don't see him. But you don't care...

Joshua and I talked about this, even when we were friends and had no idea that were thinking about each other the whole time. We talked about, well, LOVE, and i can tell you that 99% pf this post reflects his take on the subject too. Basically, we got each other. So when we finally got together, we never used that word. Well, I did tell him that I really, really like him, that much I know. I don't expect him to say it to me or vice versa.

Until one afternoon, driving in his car and we got to talking (we always got to talking about a lot of stuff, partly why I love being with him), and we talked about marriage... (trust me, we weighed things enough and turning of events to get to that topic) and I said - not asked - "Do you love me?" in a way that I was trying to make my point. Without saying a word, he moved closer, pulled me close, held me tight, kissed my forehead, for the longest time I could remember... And for a moment there, everything just stopped, and faded away... And I had tears in my eyes, partly because I was happy I was feeling that way again after all these years, and the other part, scared of something like that ever had to end... And nothing beats that... Nothing...

Nothing lasts forever. but I know that image of me and him in the car that afternoon, that moment, that feeling, will. I'm at that point again folks, where I know I'm falling and yet, I let me be... This will end someday. That, I know. But I hope with all my heart that 10 or 20 years from now when I open my old journals like this one to reminisce the past, it will be the same guiy I'll still be talking about... And I hope with all my heart too, that by that time, I'll be able to say that four-letter-word to him at any given time or place, without fear or anything else, but meaning it, with everything I am.

In Spite of It All

Christmas and New Year celebrations are over. And I didn't think I'd get through it. Although, I did cry (ON STAGEEEEE...) the moment the countdown started and we were singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas..." and in the case of New Year, I cried the moment I saw my family members waving at me through the phone screen and Baby Sam (who's not a baby anymore) screaming asking, "Kanapa kau???", seeing me covering my mouth crying. And yea, that's a progress, Sam speaking in Malay, hillarious.

I know the true meaning of Christmas is supposed to be beyond all the hu-ha people overrate it with. But to me, the very basic thing about it is having your family members near, expecially when that's how it's been for the past 22 years of your life.

But in spite of it all, i mean, all the sadness i've been babbling about being alone on Christmas and New Year's Eve, I was made happy by: my fellow band crew who miss their family and friends just as much as i miss mine; the bartenders who had to work extra hours and lesser pay, not only during the course of preparation and aftermath, but on the day of celebration itself; customers who themselves might have been in Casablanca for the celebration because they, like me, couldn't get home. But most of all, it's him, the lucky bastard who managed to steal my heart just in time for Christmas, and gave me his in return. Thanks to him, the two wondrous occasions weren't so bad after all. In fact, it was happy indeed. Hey, lucky bastard, just remember to return my heart back when it's time for me to leave Bintulu k. Ha ha.

But I must admit it, in the midst of all the greetings, hugs exchanged, the loud music, the cheering, the people, the dancing and singing, I see my family. And nothing makes me happier than knowing that they too, in spite of it all, are dancing and singing, cheering and hugging. I guess it's not really about physically being there with them, or them with me. =)

Cheers all, and may 2008 had been a good year for you, as it had been for me, and 2009 brings you more good things to come, as I hope it may be for me.

Still?

It's been awhile since i last update myself on the political and social news in Malaysia. I think the last thing I remember was, Kok, RPK and the Sin Chew reporter being detained under ISA for petty reasons. And a few other news I can't recall by now. Being in in this line gives you limited time, connection, sources, but mostly a sense of concern to give two pots about stuff like that.

Only today did I 'tergerak hati' to type on Malaysiakini's web address (and thankfully I still remember the login password) and enlighten myself with the latest updates. And my, my... It hadn't change a little.

While leaders around the globe are working on global crises, especially economic as we know how rapidly deteriorating it is, ours - as in Malaysian leaders - are still caught up in worrying about whether yoga affects Islamic faiths, and other issues pertaining to Malay's special rights/privileges. So, what's new?

Still waiting for things to change, even in the slightest ways, before I can blab more about this.

Out.

Thanks Mom

I just got off the phone with my mom and guess what? I told her that I'm pushing this till May or June after my convocation and get my transcript. As you would have expected, she gave me a long lecture about how I'd spent three years of my time - not including my kindergarten, primary, secondary and A-Levels education - and now throwing it away wasting my life and Degree on singing in a pub in small town Bintulu.

I kept quiet. And then laughed. I didn't talk back like how i usually would because she has a point. I wanted to say it's only until June at the most. But then I remembered that one month ago I said "it's only until January at the most," and now find myself extending the "at the most" part of the sentence. So I shut up and said nothing in return. Until she screamed, "Say something!" Hehe.

My convocation will be in May or June or maybe earlier. Although at first I did this because I wanted to give singing a shot, now I think I might have a new purpose; gain enough money till my convo time comes so i can afford to buy air tickets and accommodation for my family. It may sound like a lame excuse, or maybe even saying that more to convince myself than anyone else. But at least I have a purpose, and I mean it.

Eventually, she gave in. Not like anything she says can change my mind anyway. She knows that. But she also knows that whatever I want, I know I want it. That's why she never really steps in the way. Thanks mom. I really, really appreciate your understanding. And I really, really miss you.

So now, it's a matter of letting my dad know (God help me!).

Thus far, life is still good. I'm still enjoying it. I meet a lot of, various interesting people, learn a lot from them and them from me. These are the kind of things that I never expected would come along the way but they did, which I'm grateful for. I'd surely miss them when I leave.

Our contract here ends in February and next we'll probably be in West Malaysia. We're looking at Penang, or Langkawi, or KL, or maybe even Kuching. Wherever we'll be I'm sure it's gonna be bigger than Bintulu, that's why i shall make all the mistakes here, learn from them, and make no more when I go to those big places.

More updates later. Got a show to run. =)

Cheers!

p/s: I managed to wake up early for Mass last Sunday. Woohoo!!!

Dancing Queen

It's been ages since I last got in touch with the Internet. At least I feel so. And man, ain't it torturing... So now that I get the chance to do so, what's better to do than update everyone, right? Here goes...

If you don't already know, I'm in Bintulu, living the life of a Dancing Queen, or Singing Queen that is. It was initially a decision that I almost feared as something that I might regret. But my my... am I not loving it that I might even do this longer than I planned to.

It's a small but happening town. People are nice; from the Immigration officer I met the moment I arrived at the airport, to the taxi driver who took me to Casablanca, to my band members whom I'm working with cum my housemates, to the customers who come to watch us perform, to the baternders at my workplace, the owner, the tauke... Everyone. Well at least for now, which is only my second week here. *smiles*

My job, simple. Just do it while having fun. Sometimes by our fourth set I'd be worn out, tired of singing and dancing, but it's a sin to stop smiling and look bored when you're doing this kind of job. So there I go, smiling, singing and dancing like there's no tomorrow. But I ain't complaining. By the end of the day, it's always a nice feeling.

I'm still not sure how long will I keep doing this (Shush, don't tell my mom I said that). I do have bigger dreams, this is just one of it and I'm living it. Felt it. Now I can say I've been there and done that. So now I'm set to live my other dreams, which could turn out to be a long list. But nevermind Amy; one step at a time. So friends, family, folks, don't worry, this is not all that I'm living for. Maybe for now. But I know very well that my other dreams are waiting to be lived.

Cheers. More later.

Of Optimism in Possibility

"… given the increasing diversity of America's population, the dangers of sectarianism have never been greater. Whatever we once were, we are no longer just a Christian nation; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers. …

And even if we did have only Christians in our midst, if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States of America, whose Christianity would we teach in the schools?"
- Barack Obama Call to renewal: keynote address June 28, 2006.

I was talking - or more of arguing - with a friend regarding the political issues in Malaysia, which sparked off upon learning the acquittal of Razak Baginda (unbelievable yet expected), and which eventually led to the topic of the US' most phenomenal and exciting presidential election ever. I must have talked of Barry Obama as if I'd known him personally and sounded so confident that he will bring about the change that we'd been long wishing for, because this friend countered my confident opinions by asking, "How do you know he will do as he campaigned and promised?"

And again, I reiterated the positive and optimistic attitude of opening to the possibility of change. I wouldn't possibly know if it's going to be better. But none of us know if it's going to get worse either. Change itself is a subjective word that doesn't indicate better or worse, positive or negative. But why choose to stay is stagnant situations rather than anticipate something that could actually be done something about? Better yet, why choose to stay in situations that are already shitty anyway?

And of course, I don't know if Obama is as multiculturally tolerant and determinant as he is in the speeches he delivers. But here's the thing; John McCain is no better, and yeah I'm judging by the gists of their speeches. But if McCain can't even proove his ability and magnetism through the way he delivers messages and keynotes, then... You get the drill. You may say that I'm too delusional; anticipating a change that would revive political scenes and eventually the world. But hey, better delusional than indifferent.

I in the first place, might not even be in place to comment anything about it; I can't vote for US president anyway. Malaysia's ministerial is also in a mess, better focus on that before bothering to comment on other countries' presidential election (did I say it is the century's most exciting elections ever???). But this is not about just any country. This is America we're talking about. And you know what they say, when America coughs, the whole world catches cold. =)

First Love. Or So We Call It.

There's this notion in my head that never wore off; that I could and would never feel love as truly, as deep, as passionate, as I did when I fell for this one guy at the age of 16. Oh, I had multiple boyfriends before as well as after him. But nothing, and I mean nothing could beat what I felt for him.

This particular guy - the one I could safely say I fell in love with - he was 21 when we met. We were friends, or more of acquaintances, two years prior to being a couple. Unlike the guys I've been with before him (and sadly, even after him), he made me feel... Gosh, I don't even know how to describe that feeling. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to cry yet jump with joy, secure yet scared, ALL at the same time. It's just indescribable. And the first kiss, it felt like the whole world just faded and silenced and for a moment there, it was just me, him, and our feelings, completely NOTHING else...

The 'KISS'. The one that makes you feel like you mean something to someone, completely you, the whole you, and being loved for just YOU. And that kiss that automatically closes you eyes and you'd just float, like you're not where you are... and the kiss that, when you open your eyes, makes you say to yourself, "I want nothing more..." And you don't, because that's all that could ever be.

We went on three years. The journey was bumpy. But it was great. Tremendously great. It was beautiful and I should have known that all good things must come to an end, because it was totally heartbreaking when it ended. It took me years after that trying to mend the pieces. Today, it has been 7 years since it ended, yet I still can't find some of the broken pieces I left then. It's getting better but sometimes, there are still moments while reading a novel, or watching a movie, or listening to a love song, where the image of his face - to the details - would appear in my mind.

It took me a lot of years, letters, men, tears, work, studies, more men, anger, to try and get over him. And when I realized that I can't keep hoping for him to come back, I opened the door again. But my, ain't it hard to open it wide. Opening it ajar is the best that I can do.

For whatever reason that is, I never know for sure. All I know is, I've been infidel towards Love itself. I forgot how it felt like to commit a commitment that comes right out of your heart; committing because you want to, not because you work for it. I forgot how it feels like to care about a person so much it hurts myself. I forgot how it feels like to want to see a person everyday, or always wanting to talk to him. I forgot how it feels like to kiss with meanings deeper than just suggesting "This is going to be adjourned to bed, clothes off." I forgot how to... love.

To all the ones I've been with before and after this one particular guy, I'm sorry. Honestly - and you probably know it better than me - I didn't give it my best. I didn't jump with both feet in. I'm not scared, or afraid of falling in love again. I just don't know how anymore. It's like, a knowledge, if not a feeling, that was robbed off me. For some reason, I just couldn't feel, do, nor think the same about love the way I did. I just don't know how.

I tried. Gave it a shot. But someone always ends up hurt. It came to one point where I just stop. Rather than trying to commit to someone because that someone deserves my loyalty, and to mention, worthy of it, I failed miserably and I just give up trying at all, because the more I try, more people are hurt. So I go on living life... More often than not I meet men whom I would say are worthy of my attention, and probably even effort. I would like them today and think, "Hey, he's not bad," but wake up the next day and just have a 180 degree turned of opinion.

I'm not looking for any relationship right now. But I'd be lying if say that all these petty experiences didn't for one second get me thinking, "How long will this go on?" "How long more would I go around treating men like they're clothes?" "Wouldn't it come to a day when I would look around me and see friends who are settled down, or at least just be with the men they, well.. love?" "And since all the men I'm seeing now are just... men/friends/flirts/platonic friends, which one would I really turn to for everything? For fun, for security, for company, for opinions, for a shoulder, for... love?"

Needless to say, I'm still young. 23. Some would say that it's not time I think about all these commitment issues, that it's not about time for me to worry whether or not I'll settle down sooner or later, that I should play the field. Oh I've played the field alright. And although it was fun at first, eventually I'll sit down at my balcony alone, looking at the stars and wonder, "Will I ever find anyone worthy to share this moment with?" And usually, even after 7 years later, only one face would be vividly pictured in my mind, bringing along with it fresh-like feelings that I once felt when I was 16...

There had been many times when I honestly thought I had let him go, and it's been done in so many ways. We had confronted each other about it (thousands of times) and I should already get my answers, which I did. But I guess, it's only normal that letting go is not easy. Sometimes I wonder why, even after all these years, I'm still not able to really let go of him. Would anyone ever be able to make me feel the way he did just by looking at me? Would anyone ever be able to make my name sound just as sweet whenever he says it? Would anyone ever be able to give me the kind of comfort he gave me? Or the security? And even the fear of losing him? Would anyone ever be able to be the kind of friend he is to me? Would I ever, ever be able to love anyone just like I've loved, and still do, him? Would I ever, ever again... love?

First times are always exciting, unexpected, breath-taking, awesome, fearful, scary... Awesome. But it doesn't mean that second time couldn't be just as great. If only I just put in just as much effort as I did the first time. And the best thing about the second time is that, you get to learn from the first one and do better. *smiles*

No doubt, the memories will always stay. As much as I'd wish the memories and feelings would just fade away so that it would be much easier, they'd stay. And since there's nothing much I can do about it, I might as well make the best out of it; keep it. But it doesn't mean I should stop giving myself a chance, giving other people the chance, giving love a chance. And I shall. First thing first, get rid of the stupid notion. *smiles*