On my mind today (OMMT) that turned into New Year's resolutions reflections

Write. Journal. Oh! A shower thought; since I'm trying to practice writing and aspire to write an entry a day - regardless of long or short writings - how about writing them on Borneo Speaks OR Kita Human? #inthetrencheswithyou. Kita Human is an idea inspired by 'Humans of New York', to restart my knack for writing stories about people, the things that make us human. Kita Human can be a virtual space where we can share our stories - especially the things we don't like admitting to others; our struggles, our demons and shadows - and help us realise that we are all humans who don't got it all figured out. We're all weird. 

I have so many thoughts going on every second of the day. I've learned meditation and grounding techniques to help me slow down and pul the brakes on my train of thoughts. But it's fucking hard to be consistent. 

I feel that maybe it's hard because I don't feel supported in my day-to-day one small step after another trying to be better at dealing with myself. I'm learning to be mindful in everything that I do because it helps having better awareness in how we function as unique human beings, and I'm trying to do it for everyone in the house; a teenager, a pre-teen, a kindergartener, and an infant, and an adult child (me, considering I'm learning how to do it myself first). And then there's the other adult child - my ex who is cohabiting and coparenting with me. That's a lot of people to mentally and emotionally carry, to feel responsible for. 

So, to unload some of that burden once in a while, I need this... writing them down, seeing what I'm thinking in physical form kind of... But I need help with consistency. And I realised, probably realising for the hundredth time that we have only ourselves to come save ourselves. If I want to be consistent, I have to stop wishing that I will meet someone someday who can help me with that, and pick up the tools myself. 

Set a goal, Amy. Start with a short term one, like one blog entry a week (since one a day is difficult, and once every two days is hard to track). Or actually, how about one entry a day but CHANGE your MOTIVATION, and fucking stick to it. One entry a day, rain or shine, long or short. 

And since consistency can only work if there is accountability (thanks Liku-Liku Center for consistently helping me prove and see this point), how about doing it (blog entries) for something outside of myself, like Borneo Speaks; it's bigger than me and more people are involved... Use it like an accountability practice. 

First, identify if that's a space safe enough for you to do that, Amy. And to know if it's a safe space, you have got to have some guidelines for reference, especially when things get tough and you feel like quitting, to remind you why you even started. 

So, what makes you feel safe?

• To be able to say what I want to say, share my truth and not be ridiculed, shamed, or condemned.
• To be allowed grace in learning at my pace, even if it's slow and messy. 
  

What about KITA HUMAN? Is that just gonna die, or should I dedicate time and effort to building that? What's my priority? What should I focus on next year? Writing the book? Building a collective like Kita Human? Resume training in Holistic Health Practice? Am I still interested in becoming a life coach?Am I still unschooling the kids? Or sending the kids back to school so I can focus on my career pursuits? What career pursuits? 

I just know that I don't wanna be in the rat race anymore... It doesn't excite me anymore, not sure if it's a trauma response or natural instincts.. Pursuing higher positions in corporate companies, or going after jobs that pay higher, fanning my flame so I shine brighter, or even being described as 'hardworking' (okay, and then your kids' slow days trigger you and you use the words, 'Lazy ass mfs'... Projection. Sigh.)

Gawd I need a mental break. Too much and I can't work my brain past 11PM anymore... Ageing. Approaching 40 is no joke. Can't risk losing sleep. Goodnight world.