Spiritual dryness. It's not that I never heard of this term before, or that I never gone through such period in my life. If you have been reading my Friendster blogposts since i first started it couple of years back, you'd know that it is something that i often talk about. But I have to say that I haven't talked about it for quite some time now. I'm not sure why. Probably because I find other things are more interesting than talking about God. And I bet that that is the one thing that's been holding me back from Him; finding other things are worthier of my writing time than having have anything to do with Him. Shame on me.
Often when this kind of period comes around, I look for Him, with an effort I thought seemed to be, determined, often not looking hard enough that what happened between Him and I are might be partly my fault. I should have known better than to blame Him for "leaving" me, when I was the one who had turned my back on Him by doing things that I'd desired without even stopping for one second to think about what He might feel or think. When i was the one who had acted like my desires and feelings mattered more than anything else, here I am asking Him where did He go... And when he didn't answer, I get all cranky and mad and impatient.
The sad thing is that, I KNOW. I know. I know how things are supposed to work. I know what I should do in order to get back on track. But I don't feel that drive, that urge, barely even the desire to start doing what I'm supposed to. I can't stop feeling angry at myself, at people, sometimes even at Him. And the one thing that I do know is, He'll remain silent as long as I'm still so angry... How does one angry b**** stops feeling angry? That's sure one thing I don't know the answer to...
"It's all about You, it's not about me as if You should do things my way..." Shame on me, expecting God to always be the one who gives in and take me in with all my anger and hatred, unworthiness, dirt and sinfulness, when He was the One who loved me so much that He died for me, and I was the one who took all that unconditional love for granted and waste it around like I'm never going to run out of it. Shame on me.
Daddy God,
I know You can hear me, despite me thinking that You're so far away. You see, i don't even know what to say to You anymore. I'm at lost for words. I know that I've asked You for help for a thousand times and though I keep telling myself not to lose hope because You are a merciful and loving Father, this time around I'm on the verge of losing faith it what I'm asking for. You never failed me Lord, not once. Coz no matter how long You take, You'll always, always reach out to me... always. But today when I look up the sky, there's not even one star shining, there's not even one bird flying across. I'm scared God... You know that I'm scared...
2 comments:
I guess the shame is about us using our own 'escapism' to find what we are seeking to solve our problem instead of referring to God. You have an interesting write up there which I believe many others are experiencing but are afraid to face it.
God! a being that is difficult to define and understand. Most of the time it is our own understand, our own creation but not God as God is. This is what we need to keep clarifying to understand.
You are right as your emotional words describe it all, that at angry moments it is difficult to find God because we are too full of anger and hardly listen. God is quiet and silence that we have to listen to. I guess the beginning of that journey of yours would be to listen to silence. Haha... confusing eh? But you will find that it is the road to what you are seeking. Don't loose faith. Have courage.
Just a thought...why do we always think that Religion & secular has to be separate?Why must church and work or study or life in general be separate?The Bible is full of parables telling us how we should train our psyche/the way we think
Instead of "asking" from God aka Praying...why don't ppl jst get off their asses and achieve wat they wanna achieve?I believe God has equipped us adequately.in terms of our body,but we jst need to have the heart and determination.Remember,the greatest thing God has given us? Freewill...it means you can do anything and achieve anything as long as it doesnt go against the 10 commandents! I always think that ppl who didnt try and say its not God's calling or its not His will are just lazy hypocrites hiding behind a religious mask!
What i'm trying to say is, there's nothing "unHoly" or "unGodlike" to what ur feeling...it just means you havent found your direction in life...think about what u wanna do,what u wanna achieve and don't be afraid to go for it...just my thoughts
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