"I Swear..."

It seems like crimes and wrongdoings these days can be easily 'cleansed' and justified just by taking oaths. First, the allegedly sodomized pretty boy. Then, the whole government crew asking Anwar to 'prove' his innocence by doing the same. And then, in the latest oath-taking trend updates, Najib did so too, 'proving' his innocence over the dead Mongolian's murder.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You want to take oaths or cleanse your sins (as Najib would have it) in the Islamic way, go ahead. But why make a big fuss out of it? Why push people to do it? Because I think that when it comes to religion, willingness matters, meaning that you shouldn't challenge people to do it, nor dare them. Judging by the reports by the media these past couple of weeks, taking oaths have been made to sound like it's a sure thing that proves truth or justice. Does that mean that anyone who takes oaths by books deemed holy by believers are off the legal hook? That just because you SAY and 'admit' that you did not do something, means that you truly did not do it?

“Anwar says he cannot trust the police, courts and doctors. Don’t tell me even in Allah he does not trust?” he (Najib) told reporters while visiting Taman Sembilang in Seberang Jaya yesterday.

May I offer you my two cents on this? Err... Anwar did take the oath ten years back when he was first accused of the same case, sodomy (duh). But he ended up being sent to jail anyway, for six years (poor guy). So, I think it's not the case of whether or not he believes in Allah. I think it's the case of having have to do things and settle matters your way, dear Government.

Never before has a by-election been so heavily publicized, or being paid so much attention to. But I guess this one's a completely different one, as we're facing the possibility of having a sodomiser as a Prime Minister. Yes, the current ruling power is so worried that the Rakyat of Malaysia will be ruled by a gay fellow that they're doing all they can to gain the people's trust, including decreasing the fuel price by 15 cents (correct me if I'm wrong), two days prior to by-election polling day, when they could have done so weeks ago when the world crude oil price dropped (yea, it didn't just dropped days ago). Wow, how thoughtful.

By reading my posts, readers might have the notion that I'm anti-government and pro-Anwar, or a die-hard supporter of the opposition. News, I'm neither. I, like many others I bet, am just wishing for a change. I never said that the opposition will make good or better leaders than the shitheads we already have now. They (Anwar and his crew) will definitely bring changes should they win this. But for better or worse, God knows which. But for better or worse, it's gonna be a change, and that is all I'm looking forward to. Our Malaysia is already a mess anyway. Any change (good or bad) is better than sitting there taking all the shit the so-called leaders are giving us.

Even the media are getting to obviously biased. I don't know if it's just me or they are publishing/broadcasting all that is good about the government and criticising Anwar to his guts. Bikin sakit hati bah kalau tinguk brita skarang. Silaka. So you see, that is why sometimes I'd rather not pay attention to the media, coz they're just as screwed up as the government anyway.

It's five days to Merdeka Day, but who's talking about it? Comparing last two year's celebration with that of this year's, it doesn't feel as liberating as the former's. At least I think so. Lesser people bother about waving the Jalur Gemilang this year, or even giving a damn about it at all. What does that say?

Looking forward to August 31st had turned stale since couple of years back (yea, being a non-Muslim and a Sabahan, I have a lot to complain about). But this year, it's even worse. I'm only looking forward to it because of the holiday we'll be having on Monday (screammmmmmmmmm!!!). But i guess that all depend on tomorrow's result. Let's see what happens after tomorrow (I honestly can't wait). But in the meantime, I'll just pay attention to the EPL. Coincidently, Liverpool is playing against The Villains on the 31st of August. Yeap, I'm looking forward to that.

What If?

This might sound cliche or even bromidic, but how often do we take the time to stop and think about 'what ifs'? A very close friend of mine who used to be my housemate called me today. When he told me of the news, I replied with the cliched "It's gonna be okay." But what's more than my platitude reply is that, it made me think about how all the while when people mention cancer, I (and I'm sure many others) would seem to think, "It could and would happen to anyone but me."

Most people seem to be in denial of death, in a sense that we live everyday as if tomorrows are infinite. As much as a 'now-and-here' kind of person as I am, I never actually really appreciate life and the people in it that much. I love taking (calculated) risks, but I never really think that there might not be another day for me or the people around me.

*Touchwoods* What if my mom or any one of my family members for that matter, is to be admitted to the hospital tonight and the doctor diagnosed her illness as cancer? What if I am to receive a phonecall from my mom or dad saying that my brother is seriously injured after a terrible road accident? What if my bestfriend is to call me up and tell me that she had just came back from the hospital and that the doctor told her she is at the final stage of a terminal disease? what if I don't receive any calls or updates from one of my closest of friends for ages and only find out now that she had died of an accident or an illness two years back? What if I am to step out of the bus today and a wreckless driver run me over and end my life? What if? What if...?

The one thing that I'm really scared of, is losing people I love, or even had meant something to me at any point of my life, without them knowing how I really feel about them. But more often than not, we let ego decide whether or not we should tell the people we care about, that we care. Somehow we always think that, there's always "there and later"; that maybe "I'll do it some other time, when the time is right." But how do we know WHEN is the right time?

Whenever I feel like telling my estranged father that I somehow care about him and want him to do the same, that I want life to be better for him, that despite all the painful years we'd gone through, I still love him all the same, my mind stops and tempt me to decide not to, thinking, "Nah... He'll only brush it off, too manly to be mushy. I'll tell him all that when he's really old later in life," as if he's gonna be around forever...

We humans are too concerned about what other people would think; how would they react, how would they presume me to be, etc. For what it's worth, it is probably not even close to our vain presumptions. I'd like to end this post by encouraging people to let those around you know what they mean to you. But it's obviously easier said than done.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call up my friend, and tell him that yes, everything is not okay. But today is still HERE. Now is still PRESENT. We still can make the best out of it. While we can't deny the possibility of losing the person we love, it is more important to let them know that our lives had been wonderful with their presence, as little significance as they think it might have been. Since we already know that lives are ending, we might as well live it to the fullest, rather than sit and wallow in sorrow, and regret things later.

And then maybe, hopefully, when I'm done talking to my friend, and realize how much life means to us, him, me, I'd dial my father's number... Hopefully.

On the Herald Issue

I love the Catholic Lawyers' Society of KL folks.

Here's what they have to say about the silly issue that shouldn't even be an issue. Read here.

There are things about Christianity that he (the Home Minister) obviously does not (neither wishes to) understand; that it is universal. Translation; it involves every aspect of life, even the littlest ones. And this is about our government, about the future of our leaders. Is it wrong to update other fellow Christians about what's happening and at the same time ask them to pray for a fair election? Which part of the constitution says that?

Yeap, another one of those religious casualties. Yawn.

I Love It This Way

I can't remember what personality test that was, but here's what it had to say about me:

"Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural lead, who's quick to make decisions - though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once, someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

"You are more of a rebellious person that really doesn't follow anyone. You are kind of mixed up and all over the place, but you love it that way. You are that kind of easy breezy person, you believe in letting things go, life is too short. You love to just have fun and be the life of the party. You always make a big entrance. You also believe rules are definitely meant to be broken."

Friends, please do tell me if any part of that statement is wrongfully put. I don't know about the rest of it but I agree with the ones that i've put in bold, italic, and in larger font size.

I especially like the part, "...kind of mixed up and all over the place." I am. I gotta admit that. But I'm fine that way. I've live 23 years of my life like that, and it never got me into trouble. A few good friends had good-willingly pointed that out, and I accept it willingly because that's how I am and I never killed anyone or destroyed anybody's life by being like that. That is why I never bothered feeling guilty or bad about it. Until very recently...

That person - whose name or gender I won't disclose, so let's just call that person shithead and refer to him/her as 'it' - made it very clear that 'it' was freakin pissed because I didn't have a PLAN. 'It' described my unplanned method of going home as being DISCORTEOUS. I was taken aback, because out of all the many friends and acquaintances I have, not one of them ever, EVER described me as being such. Well, they're either never completely honest with me, or 'it' was just (and still is) a big asshole. Or 'it' was just totally right; I'm a mess.

Okay, I am a mess. I'm all over the place. My clothes are never really folded and placed properly; my books are all over the place; my stuff are all over the house; my bag are full of things i don't really need to carry around all the time; my timing is really bad; I decide to do too many things at a time and end up not completing any of them; and the list goes on...

But what gives shithead the right to criticize me like 'it' did? What gives 'it' the right to be so hard on me because of something that makes me, me? I just don't get it. But the weirdest part is, I don't get why am I so pissed. So farkin pissed.

I guess it's partly because no one ever say that about me. In fact, no one was ever pissed because of my character. EVER. But most of all, it's because I know shithead was right. And 'it' made me realize that not everbody can tolerate my disorganized, indecisive attitude. I know 'it' is right. But as long as no lives are at cost because of my character, I don't think I'd ever change. Ha ha ha.

Please don't think of me as being stubborn or hard-headed. But I am who I am and it had helped me digged through the lows. Life is not always sunny, and for the rainy days, you'll need someone who can dance through it. If I am to be a decisive, future-oriented, organized person, I wouldn't have been where nor how I am today. Well, I might be in better shoes but hey, I doubt I'd be any happier.

Every single person has different characteristics. Every one has different ways of approaching life. And I am the kind of person who prefers living life happily, with no worries; whatever happens, happens - which most of the time leads to last minute decisions. That's why I don't have plans, because people get upset when things don't go according to planned. Let the kind of people who likes making plans, make the plan. And let no-plan people like me cheer you up when the plans don't work. And shithead, can't you just enjoy the colorful characteristics of people? Wouldn't it be a boring world if everyone is like you?

Insecure Imbeciles

How utterly embarrassed and disappointed I felt when I saw the photo of 5,000 UiTM students marching to protest the 10% opening of student quota to non-bumiputras. I've heard on Sunday that there was going to be a protest, but didn't actually thought that they would stupidly do it.
What an imbecilic, insecure, racist bunch of people.

Here's what I came across in the paper today, the idiocy of the students (click on it to read the details from the source):

UiTM student body president Luqmannulhakim Mohamad Idris said the students wanted Khalid to retract the statement and apologise.
“We (the students) are very disturbed by the statement and we have planned our strategy on what to do if the Mentri Besar does not apologise and retract the statement,” he said.

Yeap, they're asking a menteri besar to apologize for a suggestion. First of all, it's a SUGGESTION, something that's yet to be implemented, or agreed upon. Imagine these people panicked just listening to a suggestion and quickly organized a completely unnecessary march which they must have thought of as heroic for acting in defense of their overrated, overly professed rights.

Another racist political figure added up to the fire by pintpointing that the MB who proposed the idea did so to fish for votes from the non-bumiputras, I guess an act done to make the opposition party to look like the big-bad wolf who's gonna snatch the main race off their spoon-fed rights.
"Melayu jual Melayu," he said.

PPIM (some consumer association) said the move would be seen as challenging the special rights of the Malays (read more here). They added that, there was "no need to sideline Malay special rights," despite the fact that Malaysia is a multiracial country. And Ms Whatever-your-name-is, what makes you think that others can be rightfully - not only sidelined, but deprived of their rights?

I've talked about this with fellow Malay friends of mine who uninamously thought that the idea is ridiculous. A bunch of university students who are supposedly educated and expected to be wise enough to not make such nonsensical decision in an absurd way (I'm pretty sure the Vice Chansellor and his peeps know how to handle it without the protest), making fools out of themselves.

The MB proposed it as he thinks that having non-bumiputras - who are known to be competitive and smart - in UiTM will actually encourage the bumiputras to be more, well, competitive, in order to produce more students of higher quality. The protestors rebutted by saying that UiTM had been producing excellent scholarsand also had many graduates who were able to compete with other races in the job market. Forget about the idiot who's making the web more complicated by linking it to politics and shit.

Now, if that is the case, if it is a known fact that UiTM had produced students of excellent quality, then why make a big fuss out of a proposal? Why panic? What else would would have made them reacted so sillily if not because of feeling intimidated by the other races?

I know that UiTM existed on the basis of enabling the bumiputras to be on par with the other races in terms of education achievements and thus, in career achievements. But do you actually think that spoon-feeding them with special rights shit will make them genuinely brilliant or excellent? I should be mindful of what I say, as I am one of those who are 'spoon-fed' by the government. But what the point of success at the expense of fairness and unbiased treatments?

I bet a lot of non-bumiputras out there who deserve to be in UiTM or any other public university for that matter. They might even deserve it more than some bumiputras who are simply taking such chances for granted. But I guess some races just need all the help in the world to make something out of their lives. Geez.

Why Selfish?

It's common sense that any issue, problem, or crisis, can be best resolved by discussing it, talk about it, find out what's the root of it all, what can be done, etc. But apparently, a majority of dumbass Malaysians (excuse the language. I wanted to use the word 'stupid', but it's too nice) prefer to just sit on it with no questions asked.

No? Really? So tell me, why was it that a number of about 400 people gathered at the headquarters of the Bar Council while they were having a forum? Sadly, the police, our ministers, even our Prime Minister and his Deputy, as well as our Education Minister, openly displayed their stupidity and dumbness by asking the Bar Council to not proceed with the forum. And when the Bar Council went on with it anyway and got protested against, the so-called respected, all-for-unity and harmony, just and fair top leaders called them stubborn, and speaks as if saying, "I told you so." Actually, that's what they said, only, it was in Malay language.

I hate to use the word stupid or dumbass when describing our leaders and a majority of our rakyat, but here's the thing; The forum was about discussing - DISCUSSING - the jurisdiction of the Syariah Court/Law and Civil Court/Law, which obviously got a lot of people, especially the non-Muslims, confused. Many are dissatisfied about it and so, they found a way to resolve it peacefully, professionally, and dare I say fairly, coz there were representatives from all possible sides to offer opinons and answer questions. Three-hours before the scheduled closure, some major idiots came with banners and sepanduks saying, "Jangan mencabar Islam." Right...

Now, let me get this straight; discussing rights and jurisdiction, and mencabar... Hmm... Can someone show me the clear relevance to that?

Worse, our beloved Prime Minister came out with a statement that encourages us not to discuss 'sensitive' matters like religion and race. So in a way, he is saying that if we are being robbed off our rights, we should just shut up and live with it even if they rub it all on our face. Kudos, Datuk.
I have friends who are Malays and Muslims as well, and we have no problem hanging out together. We talk about religion and race openly, with no major arguments that could lead us to hate each other and what we're made of. And of course, obviously, these people I know personally are nothing like those idiots up there. I put the blame fully on them coz instead of trying to resolve racial tensions in the country, they are actually firing it up and encouraging us to sit on problems that could be easily solved if only people try to understand. Unbelievable. I'm utterly disgusted with the government, as well as the oppositions (PKR, PAS) who were actually leading the protest.

I know very well that Islam is a religion of peace and love and tolerance and justice, because i studied it for three years. But if this is how the people of Malaysia (you know who you are) depicts it, I don't think I would favor people of that belief or race anymore. Would it be too much to ask for you people to just try to understand other religions and race, like how we've understood your religion for decades?

A Walk To Remember

The monorail opened and in came a blind man, no more than 25 years old. There were plenty of empty seats in there but no one seemed to bother to direct him. I think the worst person in there was me, because I see all this happening yet chose to join in indifference.

It was the second last station so I guess everybody in there thought that, "It's only one station left. He could hold that short a period." And no, I'm not trying to justify our ignorance.

I'm the kind of person who believes that everyday, every moment is a test, that life is a series of chances; chances to make decisions and to grow. That day, the entire time I was in that train watching that man without sight, lots of things went through my indecisive mind. I wanted so bad to stand up and help him. But I stupidly let exhaustion draw me down. The ride was only about 3 minutes, but I felt an immeasurable guilt for not being able to put other people's needs ahead of mine. "Selfish," I said to myself.

But I guess I was given a second chance, for when the monorail opened to unload the passengers, I was nearest to him and my hands were used to catch him before he accidentally stepped into the rail. And i heard him said the most grateful "Thank You" I've ever heard from anyone.

"Where are you heading?"

"I'm going to KL Central."

Folding his rod, I took his hands and said, "Come, I'll take you there."

"But won't you be late?" he asked.

At that time I was just amazed... at how someone like him, lacking one sense than me, a sense that if I do not have would have killed me as a person and make me bitter, would actually thought of whether or not I might be late for my destination. It's not much, but just the thought of him having the time to stop and thought of people's needs - no matter how small it is - awes me.

And we began a conversation. We walked passed the traffic, people, eyes... and talked about so many things. Albert likes to read. He lives with his brother and father. His mother left when they were small. He's a Christian. He used to have sight but lost it in an accident. That day, he fasted, due to religious matters. He was heading for the Maybank office at KL Central.

Among all that we talked about, there was one sentence that touched me, a sentence that I've heard many times before, but never really listened to what it really means.

"So you're used to walking around on your own?"

"Yes, I used to need guidance a lot. But now I'm fine on my own."

"Well, that means you have very good senses."
"I use whatever God has given me. I thank Him for letting me have all the other senses."

I smiled. Indicating how true his words were, while hiding the guilt and shame i felt within myself for never appreciating what I have. Albert is blind. He cannot see. I use my eyes every single day, in everything that I do. I can't imagine what I would do without it. I know I would be very, very angry if God would ever take them away from me. But this man I'm holding, thanked God instead...

Many times in our life we take for granted the things that we have, things that we were born with, things that we were born into, things that makes up our life, thinking that these things would always be around, like we'd never run out of it. How often do we stop to think and appreciate TODAY? It couldn't be by chance that we're given another day to live.

We reached the bank and I left him there. "Thank you so very much... for taking me here but especially for talking to me," he said.

No, Albert. Thank YOU. If only you know what huge deed you've done for me. I might have helped you see your way through to KL Central. But you've helped me to really SEE, my way through life.

The walk didn't even take us more than 15 minutes. But the effect was profound. The whole incident might not be a big deal to most people, but it was to me. For that day, I met an angel in disguise...

About Life and Sunscreen

• "Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."
• Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
• Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
• Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

This is part of Baz Lurhmann's piece, Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). It's a song actually but I don't know if that's what you call it coz he literally just talked throughout the entire composition. But ya, that aside, I LOVE this song; advices dispensed in a humorous way yet makes a lot of sense.

The four pintpointed ones are my favorite pieces of advice. Well actually the whole set of it is. In many ways, he's just saying that we should dispose of all the bad parts of life (or at least take them as lessons), and enjoy the good parts of it. Every cloud has a silver lining. And as cliche as that sounds, trust me, it's true. I'm not old enough to give that kind of advice and maybe you'll feel like slapping my face saying, "No it's not okay, you don't understand how hard this is." But yea, I've been through some tough shit as well. No, I'm not talking about been-dumped-by-my-boyfriend kind of shit. There's seriously more to life than that. So girls, when this kind of shit happens to you, please don't bother posting about it on Friendster bulletins or Facebook shout-outs; there are people losing their loved ones through deaths.

And that there are many things in life - especially the small ones that we tend to overlook - are the ones that actually define who we are. Do not take ANY thing for granted. All of it - bits and pieces - matter.

*smiles* Just something I had to share.

Cheers!

p/s: I agree with Lurhmann, right-on! But not in the most important part of it tho', sunscreen.

Love Defined

I stood amidst thousands of young people, most of whom are university and college students. Initially I had no idea how big this thing was going to be. Even upon seeing the great number of diversified people, i was still clueless of what a big deal this event was. I thought to myself, these are just spiritual-freak bunch of people who has nothing to do on Sundays. And i actually almost gave that up for a movie instead. Yes, that was how ignorant i was.

But i guess, God, as always, calls when He has to. I've always been amazed of how He does things without me realizing it. He is always working totally when I least expect it. Always. And indeed, He did it again last Sunday.

I came with complete ignorance and least expectations of anything was to happen to me or have the way I see things altered. It's not like it's the first I've ever attended such event. But I should have known God better, I mean the way He does things; unexpectedly.

The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony's intro was played, and I honestly thought it was being played as an audio, coz it was damn good. And then there came the spotlight shining on the keyboardist. Gradually, the drums. I was just awed, the music and sound systems were seriously good. For a moment there, i forgot that God should be the centre of it all.

But God knows better. As the night proceeded, He managed to draw my attention to Him and man was I awed beyond description. He reminded me again and again just how much He loves the screw-ups. That His love is ever unfailing. That nothing that I've done could ever make Him close the door. The best part is that, I wasn't even looking for assurance for anything, but He just had to tell me didn't He... My Savior, the only one who could ever take my breath away...

"You are already chosen by Him... You can fall thousands of times, but don't fret, He's already there picking you up..."

I've heard the same phrase over and over again, and it's still the greatest music to my ear to this very day. Everytime i hear it, I'm reminded of how God picked me up from the shit i got myself into years back; all that mess in my life; all the games i played and ended up getting lost; I still can't make out why He chose me out of all the people He could easily work on. I'm two hands full. I'm a difficult set of jigsaw puzzle. Even after He showed me that salvation is possible for people like me, I keep falling. Picked up and fall again. Saved and went astray again. Washed clean and played in the mudd again. And My God, does He ever give up...

At times, I get tired of the games I'm playing. But trust me, it's even more tiring trying to escape from Him. I was so tired that I even told Him, "God, enough. You don't need me, I'd be fine on my own. Go and find someone else to work on. Not me, I'm tired. I gave up on You."

Did He stop? No. Not even a second. And then through a good friend of mine, He told me this, "Maybe it's not so much about you giving up on Him... Don't you ever think that maybe He is the One who refuses to give up on you?"

My Savior, Author of salvation, He is mighty to save...

Since attending the conference and rejuvenated, I keep asking myself and asking God, what is it that I need to do? I know I must start doing something but I just don't know what. I guess my idea of deed was too huge, like an impatient girl trying to change the world overnight. So this morning, still the same questions bugging my mind, "what is it that I have to do? What is it that I'm doing wrong?" out of the blue, a friend of mine, whom would least care or even thought about God nor spiritual things, texted me, "God is far more interested in what you are than in what you do."

*smiles*

There are questions that Google can't answer. And for that kind of questions, you know who I turn to. He doesn't even care what I'm made of, where I came from, what I've done, how long i'll take to make my way to Him or if i keep getting lost along the way. He just wants ME. And what could define love better than that.