Life at 37

May 17th, 2022. 11:AM

I keep hearing this quote, "Happiness begins in our minds." And this morning during my usual Sadhguru morning monologue - which I've been doing for the past 3-4 years as part of my morning routine, he reminded me that we can't possibly have a clear mind if we're not in the state of joy and pleasantness.. Which is how I often feel about my life...

I woke up today feeling like shit again, not looking forward to want to charge the day. Just a lot of heaviness of having to get all the kids to do our morning routine, coming up with lessons for the day (we've been homeschooling for the last 2 years), chores, planning for the second and third ones' birthday celebration (they wanna go camping - but I'm stuck at, should I invite anybody else or should we just go the four of us which is what I prefer), finding work - radio work, which was my main source of income had stopped since August 2021 and I've been relying on emceeing and hosting jobs to survive but even those are hard to come by these days, maintaining my social media presence - which is where I get jobs from, starting a business, Oreo our dog - whom I'm thinking of letting go of because it's too much work, more than I can handle, my upcoming baby - I'm 33 weeks pregnant, unplanned, unprepared, separated and in the process of divorce, and since the halt of the radio job, I've been filling up my time learning about and training in holistic healthcare with the Liku-Liku Center 3 times a week - not exactly fun and it takes a lot of determination to show up and be consistent, because it's like attending school again. 

So tell me Sadhguru, how can I have a pleasant ad joyful state of mind when I'm basically an unemployed single pregnant mother homeschooling three kids and a dog while also having to worry about mundane chores like laundry, dishes, changing the curtains, wiping the fans, mopping the floor, waste management, time management, making space for the upcoming baby....... 

I'm filled to the brim... Mentally and emotionally.. I've been thinking about whether or not I should just take medication for my mental health issues.. Thinking that maybe it will at least help me with my executive dysfunction. Coz if I'm honest, I think these things that get me worn out are normal stuff humans should be able to do or at least get help with. And that's one of my main issues; I don't ask for help. Like it just doesn't exist in my operating system to actively go and ask for help. 

I woke up at 8AM today - later than my usual 7-ish coz, well, pregnant, inconsistent sleep patterns.. I did my morning routines as usual but didn't have time to do my morning exercise and meditation coz I had to do chores, chores that I normally asked the kids to do - they're 13, 10 and 6 now, totally capable of doing the simpler chores like sweeping, hanging the laundry, folding them, washing the dishes and putting them away. And I have been asking them to do it regularly. The ideal is to get to a point where they have the awareness to do it out of habit, but two years on, I still find myself having to remind them to do it. They're in constant need of motivation to do things, and I'm learning how not to be too hard on them and on myself. Some days tho, when it's less than ideal, we wake up later than usual and I have to rearrange, especially after a long weekend where there's public holidays or other unforeseen change of events, like today. And I would be more lenient, asking them to focus on the lessons instead and I'll do the chores. 

Now it's 12PM and I already have to prepare lunch. That will take about one hour and a half and then we'll have lunch together and then I will already have to go out for my healthcare training till about 7PM...

I haven't even replied to messages and emails at this point... Breathe in, exhale, repeat, soldier on. 

Later then.