I came across what I found to be a very helpful Tweet about writing, as it got me feeling like I needed to do something about my internal chatter right away.
"https://twitter.com/Alexmathers84/status/1524737036938358786?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2022
That part what this guy said about to write loose, write as therapy, and stop hiding, really got me. I'm gonna add another one' "Write dumb. Just start and publish already." Coz one of the main things that got me stop blogging is the fear of what if people think this is stupid... And here I am...
I have been hiding... Hiding behind excuses as to why I shouldn't write, mainly because I'm always frozen by my inability to stay consistent, stay motivated... which has a lot to do with my brain chemicals and neurological pathways that had been chronically affected by my upbringing and trauma, right. Not making up excuses but really, I'm putting it here coz I didn't have the language nor understanding of what was 'wrong' with me for so long... Decades...
I didn't know how significantly trauma and habits - eating, sleeping, lifestyle habits, affect the chemicals in our brains and body and hence the choices we make in life, big and small, until I started learning deeper and wider about the psychology of being human three years ago.. And I've been fascinated ever since...
Although, getting fascinated did not prepare me for the amount of mental and emotional work it takes to start working on our inner world... It's been fucking hard... There are good days and hard days, and today is one of the latter...
I'm juggling so much, mentally, and with little help.. I had a weekly therapy session for about two years, and I stopped due to financial reasons... After that, I have a mentor and routines that help me stay afloat and be able to dig myself out of holes when overwhelm hits, thanks to the tools I learned how to do from attending therapy...
However, it's still not easy to just flip out the tools when I need it... Old habits die heard, right, and it's easier to just fall back to old patterns of making choices that grant instant gratification in handling life crises rather than choosing the harder work of staying consistent in the healing journey and approaching things differently...
I can't help but feel I need help... Having a life partner who is on the same path or more advanced in the journey would be the most ideal... But I don't think that's how it works... I think I need to sort out my massively cluttered inner world first, before I get into another relationship...
But it feels like it's a workload that will never finish.. Adulting, bills, income, kids, chores, being, trying to exist and change in a bubble of people who don't see things the same way, trying to learn together and show the kids healthier ways of being in a community of people who are comfortable staying the same...
Maybe, and I'd like to believe that, that's not the point... The point is not working towards 'finishing' the tasks... Maybe the point is in enjoying the tasks, coz the list of things to do will never end... w then, what is there left to do when it does, right?
And that I need to just work on my perspective... To balance between accepting things and letting go... Some days are gonna be good some days harder... Keep having faith that this is it. This is what they meant when they say, "You live only once."
-ends-
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