Epiphany

May 31, 2022. Tuesday.

It was a random Friday afternoon and I was engrossed in deep-cleaning the toilet; and as usual when I'm doing this I'll be in the zone, letting my thoughts flow unbridled and unstructured. One of those thoughts hit harder than the others, like an epiphany. This thought was about me, and how I want to show up in the world, which is something I've been struggling with for the past three years or so.

"My purpose in this life is not to be liked by others... I want to do what is right by me, and not what is right or liked by society..."

Maybe that sentence and what I mean exactly by that can be fine-tuned as we go along this entry. But for the purpose of continuity and clarity; I was thinking about and kind of scanning what I feel about where I am and where I was... I have been thinking about posting and Tweeting a few unpopular opinions about some of the things happening in the community I live in and they're all still staying in 'Drafts'. There's just a lot of fear about other people's perception of me and I hate that feeling... So I sat with it...

It has taken me a long time to be able to do that, to sit with whatever uncomfortable feelings I experience in my day-to-day, brought about or triggered by past experiences... To be fair, I only started therapy - the proper one (what I deem as 'proper therapy' in another post perhaps), or at least the one that feels the most suitable for me - three years ago. So, I'm technically still a toddler in this new phase of my life and still have a lot to learn... Nor is it something we'll have a guarantee of 'graduating' from; I've learned to accept that this healing process may be a lifelong journey, and that's okay.

Sitting with my fear of other people's opinions of my opinions - haha - led me to think about my people-pleasing habits, where I got it from, and how it has shaped the way I see myself and show up in the world... I've been thinking about this, talking about it, unraveling, finding new pieces of information sometimes and feeling stagnant and unfruitful other times, and that random Friday afternoon, I thought about how that feeling of desperately wanting to be liked by other people must have been my mother's wound... And I inherited it... That was her desire, her way of wanting to show up in this life, not mine...

I thought about how I used to be a journalist always questioning things beyond what's on the surface, and I liked it. I liked it, I didn't care if others did, but I liked it. I liked the feeling of knowing I spoke my mind in spite of popular opinions, way better than the feeling of being liked by others for being funny or for putting up a good performance.

And I thought, maybe that was my superpower... Maybe that's why I've been struggling these past few years about deciding on how I want to show up in the world, in this life, because I've been trying too hard to be liked by others falsely thinking that my superpower is making other people like me, or performing...

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll change my mind about that. Maybe it's an epiphany that's gonna change the course of my life forever. Whatever it is, it feels right by me, for now... Let's see what happens if I decide to follow through on this thought.

ends.