On my mind today (OMMT) that turned into New Year's resolutions reflections

Write. Journal. Oh! A shower thought; since I'm trying to practice writing and aspire to write an entry a day - regardless of long or short writings - how about writing them on Borneo Speaks OR Kita Human? #inthetrencheswithyou. Kita Human is an idea inspired by 'Humans of New York', to restart my knack for writing stories about people, the things that make us human. Kita Human can be a virtual space where we can share our stories - especially the things we don't like admitting to others; our struggles, our demons and shadows - and help us realise that we are all humans who don't got it all figured out. We're all weird. 

I have so many thoughts going on every second of the day. I've learned meditation and grounding techniques to help me slow down and pul the brakes on my train of thoughts. But it's fucking hard to be consistent. 

I feel that maybe it's hard because I don't feel supported in my day-to-day one small step after another trying to be better at dealing with myself. I'm learning to be mindful in everything that I do because it helps having better awareness in how we function as unique human beings, and I'm trying to do it for everyone in the house; a teenager, a pre-teen, a kindergartener, and an infant, and an adult child (me, considering I'm learning how to do it myself first). And then there's the other adult child - my ex who is cohabiting and coparenting with me. That's a lot of people to mentally and emotionally carry, to feel responsible for. 

So, to unload some of that burden once in a while, I need this... writing them down, seeing what I'm thinking in physical form kind of... But I need help with consistency. And I realised, probably realising for the hundredth time that we have only ourselves to come save ourselves. If I want to be consistent, I have to stop wishing that I will meet someone someday who can help me with that, and pick up the tools myself. 

Set a goal, Amy. Start with a short term one, like one blog entry a week (since one a day is difficult, and once every two days is hard to track). Or actually, how about one entry a day but CHANGE your MOTIVATION, and fucking stick to it. One entry a day, rain or shine, long or short. 

And since consistency can only work if there is accountability (thanks Liku-Liku Center for consistently helping me prove and see this point), how about doing it (blog entries) for something outside of myself, like Borneo Speaks; it's bigger than me and more people are involved... Use it like an accountability practice. 

First, identify if that's a space safe enough for you to do that, Amy. And to know if it's a safe space, you have got to have some guidelines for reference, especially when things get tough and you feel like quitting, to remind you why you even started. 

So, what makes you feel safe?

• To be able to say what I want to say, share my truth and not be ridiculed, shamed, or condemned.
• To be allowed grace in learning at my pace, even if it's slow and messy. 
  

What about KITA HUMAN? Is that just gonna die, or should I dedicate time and effort to building that? What's my priority? What should I focus on next year? Writing the book? Building a collective like Kita Human? Resume training in Holistic Health Practice? Am I still interested in becoming a life coach?Am I still unschooling the kids? Or sending the kids back to school so I can focus on my career pursuits? What career pursuits? 

I just know that I don't wanna be in the rat race anymore... It doesn't excite me anymore, not sure if it's a trauma response or natural instincts.. Pursuing higher positions in corporate companies, or going after jobs that pay higher, fanning my flame so I shine brighter, or even being described as 'hardworking' (okay, and then your kids' slow days trigger you and you use the words, 'Lazy ass mfs'... Projection. Sigh.)

Gawd I need a mental break. Too much and I can't work my brain past 11PM anymore... Ageing. Approaching 40 is no joke. Can't risk losing sleep. Goodnight world.

Connection. Or rather, Disconnection

It's been the theme of my thought processes these recent weeks... How maybe the root of all our problems at the individual and collective levels is how far disconnected we are from everything; nature, each other, our true selves, the world, meaning, everything... Disconnected from what we know to be true but masked with the "Everything is fine" notion, there's not need to question further, just keep grinding the way we normally do, not realising that we've also unconsciously designed 'normal' to be destructive to ourselves... 

I was having an exchange with the kids - which feels more like a monologue by me most of the time - about Loneliness. We've been homeschooling and our method of learning is structured partly around impromptu Youtube channels in the like of Kurzgesagt, School of Life, TED Talks, and The Odd 1s out, via videos of topics that can relate to our daily life like conflict resolutions or how our gut is the second brain. We've watched videos on the 12 main body systems, what is sinusitis, the different types of intelligence, how to make caramel bread, mental health, death, loneliness, and how we can relate to these topics through our own experiences. 

Loneliness, i wrote on the white board, is an illness in one of the five dimensions of health, social. We have the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social aspects of health and this was fascinating for me to recall because we learned this in Holistic Health training with Liku-Liku Center, a topic I've been interested in, learning more about, for the past 3 years...

And loneliness, if we think about it is because we lost connection with each other. We've ignored the problem for so long that we're even disconnected from the ways we know how to repair those disconnections. We've let the shame and guilt that we've been dealt with growing up, take over, and i've seen too many people carrying it to their deathbed... 

Think about it; increase in number of mental health issues, disconnected from ourselves. Increase in number of divorces, disconnected from each other. Perpetual environmental issues, disconnected from nature. Rise in the number of physiological illnesses, disconnected from our body. Wars, sexism, racism, bigotry, competitiveness, disconnection from each other. 

So disconnected that we're consumed with ideas of competing against each other, got stuck in the "More is better, bigger is better, faster is better," mentality, and forgot that we were meant to help each other grow and survive, not champion for one specific race, religion, gender, ideology, species... Inclusivity over exclusivity... 

Thinking about this makes me glad that I chose to continue homeschooling the kids beyond the pandemic lockdowns.. Because I've been so focused on attempting to repair the connections out there; with peers, work and project teams, and I overlooked the connection that needed repairing the most, the one I have with the kids... It's been so disconnected, connection online only when we're sharing it with the bigger public on social media, and the rest of it, is trying to survive each other while I edit and think up of ideas on what to upload, until they go to sleep...

It's a good thing I've learned a thing or two from my therapy with Liku-Liku and at that time when the pandemic happened, I had already started 'practicing' those things; basic stuff like emotional regulation, learning how to respond in ways that do not cause further trauma to myself and the kids, being patient, drawing necessary boundaries, unlearning people pleasing behaviours, learning how to communicate better, how to create safe spaces for those of us who need it.. Ya, those things we deem 'little' or too small to make time for or to matter. Connection. 

I'm not sure if this is enough paragraphs and 'peeling'/unraveling my train of thoughts that's always going 200kmh speed... I started writing because I wanted to untie the knots of ideas and thoughts so that they 'go somewhere', instead of staying knotted in my mind. Gotta make space for creativity in approaching life's everyday stuff.

At least there's something. And this is better than nothing. If this makes you think, "Yea but strive harder, aim higher, gain more.." I'm not there and I still need to process further what I feel about that kind of mindset, careful not to simply mask it as "That's not my style" and explore if it's a case of coping mechanism and gauge whether it's beneficial to my wellbeing or not if it is. 

Okay, bye. Before I say more coz honestly it doesn't end. I will always have something to say and most of the time those things stay stuck in my mind due to worrying that I will bore people or have them think of me as nonsense and crazy. Now that's some disconnection... From our true selves and from each other... :(