Writing, Blogging. Blogging again to practice writing. I suck at titles really

 I came across what I found to be a very helpful Tweet about writing, as it got me feeling like I needed to do something about my internal chatter right away.

"https://twitter.com/Alexmathers84/status/1524737036938358786?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2022

That part what this guy said about to write loose, write as therapy, and stop hiding, really got me. I'm gonna add another one' "Write dumb. Just start and publish already." Coz one of the main things that got me stop blogging is the fear of what if people think this is stupid... And here I am...

I have been hiding... Hiding behind excuses as to why I shouldn't write, mainly because I'm always frozen by my inability to stay consistent, stay motivated... which has a lot to do with my brain chemicals and neurological pathways that had been chronically affected by my upbringing and trauma, right. Not making up excuses but really, I'm putting it here coz I didn't have the language nor understanding of what was 'wrong' with me for so long... Decades...

I didn't know how significantly trauma and habits - eating, sleeping, lifestyle habits, affect the chemicals in our brains and body and hence the choices we make in life, big and small, until I started learning deeper and wider about the psychology of being human three years ago.. And I've been fascinated ever since...

Although, getting fascinated did not prepare me for the amount of mental and emotional work it takes to start working on our inner world... It's been fucking hard... There are good days and hard days, and today is one of the latter...

I'm juggling so much, mentally, and with little help.. I had a weekly therapy session for about two years, and I stopped due to financial reasons... After that, I have a mentor and routines that help me stay afloat and be able to dig myself out of holes when overwhelm hits, thanks to the tools I learned how to do from attending therapy...

However, it's still not easy to just flip out the tools when I need it... Old habits die heard, right, and it's easier to just fall back to old patterns of making choices that grant instant gratification in handling life crises rather than choosing the harder work of staying consistent in the healing journey and approaching things differently...

I can't help but feel I need help... Having a life partner who is on the same path or more advanced in the journey would be the most ideal... But I don't think that's how it works... I think I need to sort out my massively cluttered inner world first, before I get into another relationship...

But it feels like it's a workload that will never finish.. Adulting, bills, income, kids, chores, being, trying to exist and change in a bubble of people who don't see things the same way, trying to learn together and show the kids healthier ways of being in a community of people who are comfortable staying the same...

Maybe, and I'd like to believe that, that's not the point... The point is not working towards 'finishing' the tasks... Maybe the point is in enjoying the tasks, coz the list of things to do will never end... w then, what is there left to do when it does, right?

And that I need to just work on my perspective... To balance between accepting things and letting go... Some days are gonna be good some days harder... Keep having faith that this is it. This is what they meant when they say, "You live only once."

-ends-

Life at 37

May 17th, 2022. 11:AM

I keep hearing this quote, "Happiness begins in our minds." And this morning during my usual Sadhguru morning monologue - which I've been doing for the past 3-4 years as part of my morning routine, he reminded me that we can't possibly have a clear mind if we're not in the state of joy and pleasantness.. Which is how I often feel about my life...

I woke up today feeling like shit again, not looking forward to want to charge the day. Just a lot of heaviness of having to get all the kids to do our morning routine, coming up with lessons for the day (we've been homeschooling for the last 2 years), chores, planning for the second and third ones' birthday celebration (they wanna go camping - but I'm stuck at, should I invite anybody else or should we just go the four of us which is what I prefer), finding work - radio work, which was my main source of income had stopped since August 2021 and I've been relying on emceeing and hosting jobs to survive but even those are hard to come by these days, maintaining my social media presence - which is where I get jobs from, starting a business, Oreo our dog - whom I'm thinking of letting go of because it's too much work, more than I can handle, my upcoming baby - I'm 33 weeks pregnant, unplanned, unprepared, separated and in the process of divorce, and since the halt of the radio job, I've been filling up my time learning about and training in holistic healthcare with the Liku-Liku Center 3 times a week - not exactly fun and it takes a lot of determination to show up and be consistent, because it's like attending school again. 

So tell me Sadhguru, how can I have a pleasant ad joyful state of mind when I'm basically an unemployed single pregnant mother homeschooling three kids and a dog while also having to worry about mundane chores like laundry, dishes, changing the curtains, wiping the fans, mopping the floor, waste management, time management, making space for the upcoming baby....... 

I'm filled to the brim... Mentally and emotionally.. I've been thinking about whether or not I should just take medication for my mental health issues.. Thinking that maybe it will at least help me with my executive dysfunction. Coz if I'm honest, I think these things that get me worn out are normal stuff humans should be able to do or at least get help with. And that's one of my main issues; I don't ask for help. Like it just doesn't exist in my operating system to actively go and ask for help. 

I woke up at 8AM today - later than my usual 7-ish coz, well, pregnant, inconsistent sleep patterns.. I did my morning routines as usual but didn't have time to do my morning exercise and meditation coz I had to do chores, chores that I normally asked the kids to do - they're 13, 10 and 6 now, totally capable of doing the simpler chores like sweeping, hanging the laundry, folding them, washing the dishes and putting them away. And I have been asking them to do it regularly. The ideal is to get to a point where they have the awareness to do it out of habit, but two years on, I still find myself having to remind them to do it. They're in constant need of motivation to do things, and I'm learning how not to be too hard on them and on myself. Some days tho, when it's less than ideal, we wake up later than usual and I have to rearrange, especially after a long weekend where there's public holidays or other unforeseen change of events, like today. And I would be more lenient, asking them to focus on the lessons instead and I'll do the chores. 

Now it's 12PM and I already have to prepare lunch. That will take about one hour and a half and then we'll have lunch together and then I will already have to go out for my healthcare training till about 7PM...

I haven't even replied to messages and emails at this point... Breathe in, exhale, repeat, soldier on. 

Later then. 

Drafts

Draft after drafts... Who's counting right? Nobody knows it, nobody sees it, except for me and the people/bots manning this website I guess. 

It's good practice I suppose.. To keep writing (more like typing. But you get the drill)... Even if it's just in drafts... At least I'm writing (typing) right? Is this not a form of escapism/running away/avoiding? Coz I could just actually write these thoughts down in my journal... Why am I not doing that? Lazy? Can't it simply be because I don't feel like it? Of course it can. Who's talking? 

Why type instead of write? It's FASTER! And deletable instead of having to physically cross words that we thought of deleting later to replace with words that we deem 'better'. And they get saved in drafts. And they remain accessible from anywhere coz they're digital. 

But why write instead of type? It's much better for our motor skills. And studies have shown (they have! I just don't remember the sources pardon me), that we remember things better when we physically write them down, as in, our brains actually record some sort of documentation in our neuropaths much better than if we are to simply type them. Yes, we remember things when we type them out coz duh, they obviously get documented. But not the way that writing does. 

I'm just procrastinating am I... I have tonnes of things weighing in my brain right now and I've been triggered to feel overwhelmed a few times throughout today... I've taken the time to contemplate and meditate, put phone on silent, spent some time connecting with the kids, but no I have to do the hard (and actual) work of addressing the issues one by one; work, projects, big decision making on where to live and a divorce... 

Drafts... i'm sure I'll look back and read these things with less heaviness in my being years on.

I tried starting a journal of my healing journey...

 

Turning 36

My last blog entry was 6 years ago. Fuck me. I totally underestimated my capability of procrastinating things. Writing this now in view of my 36th birthday in a couple of hours, and at a point where I don't identify as a writer anymore... because life got in the way and bit by bot I forgot how to write full sentences that don't end up either confusing readers or just totally pointless. 

There's something about birthdays (like New Year's Eve) that wakes up the part of us that wants to reflect on how our life has been thus far, whether you're a big fan of (your own) birthday or not. Up to this point, I used to pretend like I didn't care about my birthday, but deep down secretly longed for someone to remember and wish me. It took me being 36 to find the courage to admit that openly. It makes me think, why tho. Why do we feel ashamed of not being open with what we truly want. Let's save that topic for another post.

I've been in psychotherapy for more than a year now, learned how to live better through the tools that came with the sessions and training, changing lifestyle, diet and ways of interacting with the relationships in my life and therefore improving the quality of those relationships and hence, my life in general... The journey that I started with my therapists had unravelled a lot of deeply hidden childhood trauma and I've been on a journey of slowly healing them one by one, one baby step at a time.

But this isn't an entry to talk about therapy; that could be a topic for another post. 

At 36, Amy Dangin is a radio announcer attached to a radio station, event-based show host, TV host, moderator, hireable acting and voice talent, social media-based influencer. Mother of three wonderful kids. Divorced once, married twice. Currently training with my therapist to be a life coach. Still friends with some of the same amazing ones and also made new lifetime-worthy ones over the years. 

My last entry in this blog was written and published from a really dark and confusing place in my life; I was in the midst of the divorce of my first marriage, and probably questioning and regretting the decision, not because it wasn't the right thing to do, but more because of the attachment issues we build around romantic relationships. 

What's important to note was that I really didn't think I would ever find the way out of that dark place. And when I did, I really didn't think I would ever go back to that dark place again. Because that's how it normally works, right? You fall, you break, you regather your pieces and succeed and never again returning to falling, right? Wrong. 

We all have this notion that therapy will magically erase our struggles and we'll be a calm as a monk in handling life's turbulences. I did too. Took me half a year and numerous cycles of emotional ups and downs to realise it doesn't work that way. Therapy is space, where I received the guidance and learned ways to cope with the turbulences, not erase them. Some days I win, some days I lose. But with therapy helping me find ways to express my suppressed emotions and create so many feel-good experiences within my own body, I lose better now; acceptance, letting go and the discernment to know the difference. 

Oh, I may have mentioned changing my diet, but my 14-year-old self would be so proud of me for this so it needs a mention; being vegan for 3 months. Yes, kid, we did! Who would've thought this red meat-loving body would ever be able to even try plant-based diet right. It did wonders to my mental health, emotional regulation and skin. Consistent healthy eating, water-drinking, zero-sugar and zero-creamer coffee, 3 times a day of probiotics, oil-pulling, and workout. 

Though now, I've gone back to my unhealthiness, for a couple of months now. It feels sucky. But I know I can get back to living right again. It's just...

I've been through some rough patches again lately. It's my current marriage. 

Haha, what is it with me and marriages in their 5th year.

I'd type more about that but this blog will be too long for even me to reread. And it's 11PM and I'm sleepy because kids had been going to school again so we've had to readjust our sleeping schedule. 

It's also worth noting to my younger self that I've done unschooling the kids for an entire year - well, since the lockdown started in March 2020. Yes, there was a lockdown due to a global pandemic and we started planting plants, baking cakes and cookies and finding all sorts of ways to be creative. 

I'd be a sucky updater of news, especially now that I've learned to accept an embrace my procrastination (after years of hopeless battles of resisting and trying to change it). 

Who knows when my next entry will be. Another 5?

But fuck me, if I ever stop using writing as a way to help draw a map of my world. 

Staring at the mess I made...

Just like the wires and cables we use in our daily lives, we have made life more complicated than how it should be and what it should be about...

Okay. It's unfair to take a three-year hiatus and come out of nowhere posting a really bad photo of tangled cables, late at night, and make a life philosophy out of it, unjustified. Even more so when turned 30 - the BIG 3-0 - without posting shit about it??? Hear me out. I assure you this is totally related.

I have been in a mess. I'M a mess My head had been in a rut I feel I could never get out of. My soul had been in a place so dark I feel like ending my life would be the best solution to the problems other people are facing as a result of my actions, my mistakes.

Only, such suicidal episodes did not get as worse as they were during the depressive, self-searching, teenage years, when such thoughts were put into action. (I've attempted suicide three times in my life, when I was 15, at an age I can't remember, and the last attempt - probably the worst too - when I was 18). I'm not sure what problems I was facing that made it so unbearable I had to take my own life). I have been in and out of relationships more times than I should because in the end, I learned that inadequacy within yourself can't be replaced nor satisfied by finding that need to complete it in something or someone else... That's why religion - though helpful in shaping my thoughts and perspective on life - didn't work on me in the long run. But we can talk about that in another post.:)

The point is. I'm a mess. I can't seem to sort things out well. I can't hold it together very well. And it sucks. It sucks because I spend too much time just thinking about things. Over-thinking about things. Do you know how many draft posts I have in my blog list? Each of them unfinished. I'm always thinking about wanting to do things but end up never actually doing them. Bodo kan.

But as much as I know that I have it in me to make things happen, to do and complete what I set out to do, I can't seem to stop the habit. I just drown in my pessimism and stress myself out just thinking about the 'what if's'... In all the bad ways instead of the good... I often ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself, Amy..." Because I know I'm only killing myself gradually inside and out.

It wasn't until after a really, terribly, bad week a couple of weeks ago, that I find myself picking up the good vibes, pieces by pieces, and now here I am, at this happy place. :D

I'm not saying this out of pride because that would be unwarranted for... I still have a long way to go, and Glob knows what may come my way along the unknown number of years or even hours of my life left...I know myself enough to expect to still have PMS days where nothing in the world is right and everything decides to fall apart at that exact week you're having your monthly visitor come to make your life more complicated than it already is.

But I think that's what life is made of... Moments... Throughout the years, I've somehow developed a thing for giving attention to the little details in life; moments that either make or break you as well as moments that may have been insignificant but could mean the world, that all add up to make us who we are and what we believe in... Moments during our childhood that stick with us for decades of age - the things I saw growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home; moments during our teenage years - where frustrations as results of rejection and yearnings of acceptance were at its peak; moments in the earlier transitional years of our youth into adulthood, defining moments, which for me was definitely becoming a mother, when I gave birth to Micah in 2009. I was 24.

That was also the year I officially graduated with a Degree in Mass Communication, Hons. majoring in Public Relations (aisehhhhhh,.. kasi chan ba tambirang sikit. Jarang man. Although, ALTHOUGH, it is highly debatable whether educational achievements are better than other achievements in life which could be very subjective. Let's save that for another post).

That was also the year I got married. No, nothing 'awww-worthy'...It was to a guy I met and got pregnant by, during a singing gig I did in a nightclub in Bintulu - something I did out of whims and fancy if I may say so. Nah, not the scantily-dressed, thick make-up, tower-high stilettos or platforms, kind of singer. Though I felt my band-mates did try to make me dress like until they gave up because I kept on with my "rights" to appear however I feel comfortable  - which could sometimes mean a sweater over sleeveless tops, paired with cargo pants and sneakers. Bahahahaha! Bida la ba kan kalau ingat balik. Bintulu episode, in another post. :) Oh and that guy? We went on to survive five years of marriage and had two adorable boys. We are now separated in the process of legally dissolving our marriage. Don't worry. I've picked myself out of that one too... :)

Pity party is over and now it's just a matter of us trying to settle things as matured as we can. And I'm glad that the kids had remained positive throughout this transition, still showing love for both of us and to others, - tapi mimang ada la bah juga monstrous episodes.. But I try. They give me the worst headaches and the cause of my biggest frustrations. But they're also the ice to my cream and the coffee to my day. I try to be the kind of parent that I think my kids would need me to be. I fall so many times, but these become my strength coz they show me everytime that I cannot afford to be weak. I'm raising two human beings, two souls.. I've yet to figure out this parenting thing, but I sure know that there is no such thing as too much love for your kids. I try. Though not nicely-done, they are efforts as a result of an immeasurable love and hope for the kids to grow up to be the kind of people that the world needs more of; healers, peacemakers, artists, and lovers of all kind... Whatever they grow up to be, I hope they will never be unnecessarily mean to others, and show kindness even to those who don't deserve it. Oh, and I hope they will never be too cool to hang out with their big ol' mama... I want to always be able to hug them and get forehead kisses from them... Always...

So where were we again? Oh, the cables. Hmmm... As I was saying... Cables, complicated, so have we did to our life... And I went on rambling about the skeletons in my closet... Okay. Maybe, what I'm trying to say is, life is really not that complicated... I learned it the hard way and still has a lot more to learn, but I can tell you this; a lot of the things or moments that you thought would end you or life as you know it are overly exaggerated and all you need to do is calm down, and do whatever you can do at that very moment. Wail or cry or mourn if you need to, and mourn hard, but don't stay there... Just don't stop living.

At 30, I'm still a mess, and just like the tangled cables caused by the technology-lures I let myself fall into, I realize and have come to terms with the fact that a lot of the complications that led to this mess were the results of my own actions.. I cannot blame anyone...

But I have a lot to be thankful for. I have found love in its purest, most unselfish form and it's not in the form of a divine god... I'm very lucky that I have five, now six best friends who would gladly weigh the burden I would drop on them despite not always agreeing with my decisions... :) And they were also the very reason that the horrible week from hell weeks ago was such a wake up call than it was a spirit-crusher. To be given the chance to spend the entire day with them and having our kids around, was a huge blessing which I will eternally thank the universe for in conspiring such an event for me at that very time when I needed it the most... To those who know who you are, my soul thank you for having stuck by me through thick and thin, and for making asshole moments become laughing materials that we get to look back at with fondness and warmth... I wouldn't do justice if I don't mention my family - my bloodlines - in my thank-you post (not sure at which point did it become that but oh well). Because indeed, I owe them a lot for helping me pull through even during times when they don't agree with me and my life's choices... I would never give up the dysfunctional family I have for another... It is a huge part of what made me who I am today and for that, I'm grateful...

And on top of that, I'm in a job I'm comfortable in and enjoy doing as well as pays the bills. And getting to work with workmates that turned into family. How often do you hear people say they love their jobs and even the people they work with? And I'm not exaggerating when I say we have a boss who's like our dad and fellow colleagues who we argue with like siblings. Bukan mau tambirang la but I have tried something else, something better-paying and came with bigger amounts of perks, something more constructive and strict, and my soul died... Glad to be back doing what I do best; squeezing my brains out looking for the words to form my thoughts, which is not always successful but done with effort. Hahahahahaha.. Oh and, wear whatever the hell i want to work - albeit, proper. :D

Wow, this is a long post! Guess that's what happens when finally get to do something that you've been wanting and wanting to do but kept delaying. I'm glad I stayed up this late (it's 2:42am) to write this really unnecessarily lengthy post about nothing and everything. It's been a while... :) Goodnight, people... Till the next post, Namaste - no I've never even done yoga, but in Hinduism it means, "I bow to the divine in you..." I like that... To respect the spirit that is inside each one of us... So calming.. Ok bai.

Remember, more often than not, it's the little things. ;)

Amy D.

Back to Basic...and Happy

It's been a year? Damn. Time really does fly fast! Well, time flies fast is one thing. But I haven't updated my blog since a year ago? Damn. I really am THAT lazy.

I first started this blog because I love writing. Or so I thought. Looking back, I guess the real reason was because it could have been the only way I got to express myself best - journals. And since Facebook, self-expression just got easier and time-saving. So there went my blog updates.

It's been a year and I've added on to my brood; Micah's baby brother, Dante was born on May 20th, this year, at exactly 10:00am, and weighed 3.9kg, 0.05kg shy of Micah's birth weight. He's now 3 months old, and actively growing and developing his abilities.

I've since resigned from my old job, and am once again, a happy reporter of a local newspaper. Back to basic, and happy.

Back to basic and happy. That sounds about right.

I've learned quite a number of things in the past year. Being a mother really pushes you to learn a lot of things in a short period of time. I've been a mother for three years now. And if I look back, compare myself from three years ago to who I am today, I'm amazed. I'm far from perfect, but I'm also far from worse.

Here are some of the things that I've learned - at least in my 27 years of life - and have proven to be valuable to know:

1. Bones, joints, and muscles, rot. So don't take them for granted and take plenty of calcium. Seriously.
2. The metabolism-rate-slows-down-as-you-age shit is REAL. So ladies, eat all you want (and can) while you can. 
3. Forgive and forget is a joke. Apart from genuine amnesia, forgetting hurtful incidents is impossible.
4. If something or someone means that much to you, you will make time for it. No matter what. 
5. That said, if you mean that much to someone, they will make time for you. No matter what. 
6. Presence makes more impact and means much more than presents. Hence, I make it a point to spend as much time as I could with my sons when I'm not working. And being present is much more than just being physically there. You have to REALLY BE THERE; body and soul. 
7. "I don't have enough time" is just an excuse for being LAZY.
8. Buying stuff makes you happy for about 5 minutes. Then you either regret because you're on such a tight budget, or return to being unsatisfied and want to buy more stuff. Thank God I was never a gadget-freak.
9. Though it doesn't matter what people say, they could sometimes be right. So listen, even if you don't follow their advice. 
10. You're not always right. Seeing and admitting weaknesses is important. Besides, humility gets you to places more than arrogance does. 

There's more, but for some retarded reason I just can't think right now. More later.