My relationship with Sturcture and Perfection

 I realised that when it comes to writing, I have this urge to do it perfectly, to make it sound like I’m smart, ‘mature’ (a word I liked to use to describe what I know now as ‘conscious’, ‘woke’, ‘enlightened’, etc… There is this internal assumed need to make it seem a certain way to others… Like trying to control th outcome so much… So much so that I end up not writing, publishing at all, or write half way and quit, wayyy to many times… 

I wonder if there is a magic wand or pill that could prompt me to be more productive consistently, and not just “when i feel like to it”. 

I feel like there needs to be structure, and I suck at creating structures even for staying alive (yah, the most basic of things like bills, money, resources), let alone structures for seemingly petty things like, thoughts…

As I’m writing this, I’m realising how true that is for everything that I do or haven’t done but want to, like Stand Up comedy; I know I have a lot of funny relatable stories that I can tell, but i can’t just go up on stage and tell them coz even those things need structure, right?

My former boss at the radio station i worked in, used to have to tell me every time to ready notes for my show, to have more structure in the way I work, and i consistently fail to produce proper notes every time… 35 years old (at that time bout 3 years ago), and not able to do the most basic thing an adult should be able to do… The worst is, not changing that pattern that had proven to be unhelpful for me to thrive… 

I mean… I myself get annoyed and disinterested when there’s no structure in the content I’m consuming… So…

Maybe I’m thinking that writing can be like dancing, where ‘open, free writing’ is a thing that exists like ‘open, free dancing’, something that my mama and I would sometimes do to release stree build up… 

I realised now that I’ve always felt pressured by structure, like there’s some unresolved trauma surrounding the idea of structure… Finding comfort in embracing my messiness, messy and proud kind of sentiment… How true is that, tho?

Today, i feel like there needs to be (better) structure in my daily life, structure in my raising baby Koa, raising teenage baby Micah, raising 7yo baby Rhu, and raising pre-teen baby Dante (list of kids in order of… level of difficulty currently experiencing, but all the same CHALLENGING), structure in my social media posts, that said, structure in my work, structure in my writings, structure in my relationships, structure in the world basically… I’m doing my best, but there is still this strong sense of lack in that area, structure…

I used to just dismiss the idea of digging deeper into why I’m like this, why I hate doing ‘structure’ so much eventhough I want (and gods know i need) it… But having leanrned so much about trauma and shadow work for the past 3 years with Liku-Liku, i know better than to resolve to ‘Flight’ mode, running away, avoiding and suppressing the inner work that I have to do or else they will just keep coming back around…

So, Amy, what might be the reason we don’t like doing the work of creating structure?

Maybe it’s coz I’ve gotten this far and gained so much good stuff along the way by winging it. I’ve gotten away with winging radio shows, emceeing events, random conversations, job searches, and just life in general… But I can’t help thinking, remembering wise life quotes that says, luck runs out. 

That leads me to ask me this; Where is this coming from? Whose voice is saying this? How true is it? Could it possibly stem from some kind of rejection or abandonment trauma? 

Okay, I got that from the amazing Teal Swan and it’s obviously gonna take longer than writing session to figure out. But i really want to publish something today so that i stop feeling like a messy human who don’t finish anything they started, so I will leave it at that…

Till the next post, have a day everybody

Just write, it's 2023 already and you're gonna be 40 in two years

I'm starting to get frustrated with myself again for not being able to be consistent with a lot of things including posting on this blog, my relationships - with Aniq, with the kids, especially Micah, with the podcast, with my social media, with my eating and lifestyle, with any ideas of how I can do better, and ready to just give up... give up from trying to do better. 

And then I'm reminded that healing and growth is a process... That everything is a learning opportunity... That THIS is where the growth, the 'better', happens... I'm in the thick of it... That's why is harder... That's why I feel like giving up... 

And this is what I will continue to work on this new year... It's January 30th, 2023. If our life in a year is dispersed into months like chapters in a book, then the first chapter is almost over and we're going into the second chapter pretty soon. How then my first chapter of this new book in my life saga looked like? 

Pictures on my phone gallery would make it seem like I managed to achieve some kind of stability in my home and working life... But if I check in with my body what would it remember more of, it's the sense that I had gone through shitty, uncomfortable, dysregulated moments more than I did authentically happy ones...

But here comes a thought; didn't we learn that it's rough waters that make a good sailor? Or smooth seas never make a skillful sailor? And I think it was Alan who said something about how the best lessons or opportunities to practice are brought to us in the most uncomfortable and sticky situations... Wow, I'm literally just realising this NOW as I'm typing... Could this be the power of journaling? Yeah... It feels like it... That familiar sense of finding joy and purpose in something you do, in something I used to do a lot; journaling, is kicking in...

THIS is why we write, Amy... And do better; stay here for a bit... Here, this rare and often neglected little space of feeling pure joy for doing something...

It may never and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, but you... So cherish this. And do more of it, come home to your body, Amy... Even if no one ever reads this or get it at all, you know you've done it for your self. And that's all that matters... Baba nam kevalam...

Till the next one, ciao. 

On my mind today (OMMT) that turned into New Year's resolutions reflections

Write. Journal. Oh! A shower thought; since I'm trying to practice writing and aspire to write an entry a day - regardless of long or short writings - how about writing them on Borneo Speaks OR Kita Human? #inthetrencheswithyou. Kita Human is an idea inspired by 'Humans of New York', to restart my knack for writing stories about people, the things that make us human. Kita Human can be a virtual space where we can share our stories - especially the things we don't like admitting to others; our struggles, our demons and shadows - and help us realise that we are all humans who don't got it all figured out. We're all weird. 

I have so many thoughts going on every second of the day. I've learned meditation and grounding techniques to help me slow down and pul the brakes on my train of thoughts. But it's fucking hard to be consistent. 

I feel that maybe it's hard because I don't feel supported in my day-to-day one small step after another trying to be better at dealing with myself. I'm learning to be mindful in everything that I do because it helps having better awareness in how we function as unique human beings, and I'm trying to do it for everyone in the house; a teenager, a pre-teen, a kindergartener, and an infant, and an adult child (me, considering I'm learning how to do it myself first). And then there's the other adult child - my ex who is cohabiting and coparenting with me. That's a lot of people to mentally and emotionally carry, to feel responsible for. 

So, to unload some of that burden once in a while, I need this... writing them down, seeing what I'm thinking in physical form kind of... But I need help with consistency. And I realised, probably realising for the hundredth time that we have only ourselves to come save ourselves. If I want to be consistent, I have to stop wishing that I will meet someone someday who can help me with that, and pick up the tools myself. 

Set a goal, Amy. Start with a short term one, like one blog entry a week (since one a day is difficult, and once every two days is hard to track). Or actually, how about one entry a day but CHANGE your MOTIVATION, and fucking stick to it. One entry a day, rain or shine, long or short. 

And since consistency can only work if there is accountability (thanks Liku-Liku Center for consistently helping me prove and see this point), how about doing it (blog entries) for something outside of myself, like Borneo Speaks; it's bigger than me and more people are involved... Use it like an accountability practice. 

First, identify if that's a space safe enough for you to do that, Amy. And to know if it's a safe space, you have got to have some guidelines for reference, especially when things get tough and you feel like quitting, to remind you why you even started. 

So, what makes you feel safe?

• To be able to say what I want to say, share my truth and not be ridiculed, shamed, or condemned.
• To be allowed grace in learning at my pace, even if it's slow and messy. 
  

What about KITA HUMAN? Is that just gonna die, or should I dedicate time and effort to building that? What's my priority? What should I focus on next year? Writing the book? Building a collective like Kita Human? Resume training in Holistic Health Practice? Am I still interested in becoming a life coach?Am I still unschooling the kids? Or sending the kids back to school so I can focus on my career pursuits? What career pursuits? 

I just know that I don't wanna be in the rat race anymore... It doesn't excite me anymore, not sure if it's a trauma response or natural instincts.. Pursuing higher positions in corporate companies, or going after jobs that pay higher, fanning my flame so I shine brighter, or even being described as 'hardworking' (okay, and then your kids' slow days trigger you and you use the words, 'Lazy ass mfs'... Projection. Sigh.)

Gawd I need a mental break. Too much and I can't work my brain past 11PM anymore... Ageing. Approaching 40 is no joke. Can't risk losing sleep. Goodnight world.

Connection. Or rather, Disconnection

It's been the theme of my thought processes these recent weeks... How maybe the root of all our problems at the individual and collective levels is how far disconnected we are from everything; nature, each other, our true selves, the world, meaning, everything... Disconnected from what we know to be true but masked with the "Everything is fine" notion, there's not need to question further, just keep grinding the way we normally do, not realising that we've also unconsciously designed 'normal' to be destructive to ourselves... 

I was having an exchange with the kids - which feels more like a monologue by me most of the time - about Loneliness. We've been homeschooling and our method of learning is structured partly around impromptu Youtube channels in the like of Kurzgesagt, School of Life, TED Talks, and The Odd 1s out, via videos of topics that can relate to our daily life like conflict resolutions or how our gut is the second brain. We've watched videos on the 12 main body systems, what is sinusitis, the different types of intelligence, how to make caramel bread, mental health, death, loneliness, and how we can relate to these topics through our own experiences. 

Loneliness, i wrote on the white board, is an illness in one of the five dimensions of health, social. We have the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social aspects of health and this was fascinating for me to recall because we learned this in Holistic Health training with Liku-Liku Center, a topic I've been interested in, learning more about, for the past 3 years...

And loneliness, if we think about it is because we lost connection with each other. We've ignored the problem for so long that we're even disconnected from the ways we know how to repair those disconnections. We've let the shame and guilt that we've been dealt with growing up, take over, and i've seen too many people carrying it to their deathbed... 

Think about it; increase in number of mental health issues, disconnected from ourselves. Increase in number of divorces, disconnected from each other. Perpetual environmental issues, disconnected from nature. Rise in the number of physiological illnesses, disconnected from our body. Wars, sexism, racism, bigotry, competitiveness, disconnection from each other. 

So disconnected that we're consumed with ideas of competing against each other, got stuck in the "More is better, bigger is better, faster is better," mentality, and forgot that we were meant to help each other grow and survive, not champion for one specific race, religion, gender, ideology, species... Inclusivity over exclusivity... 

Thinking about this makes me glad that I chose to continue homeschooling the kids beyond the pandemic lockdowns.. Because I've been so focused on attempting to repair the connections out there; with peers, work and project teams, and I overlooked the connection that needed repairing the most, the one I have with the kids... It's been so disconnected, connection online only when we're sharing it with the bigger public on social media, and the rest of it, is trying to survive each other while I edit and think up of ideas on what to upload, until they go to sleep...

It's a good thing I've learned a thing or two from my therapy with Liku-Liku and at that time when the pandemic happened, I had already started 'practicing' those things; basic stuff like emotional regulation, learning how to respond in ways that do not cause further trauma to myself and the kids, being patient, drawing necessary boundaries, unlearning people pleasing behaviours, learning how to communicate better, how to create safe spaces for those of us who need it.. Ya, those things we deem 'little' or too small to make time for or to matter. Connection. 

I'm not sure if this is enough paragraphs and 'peeling'/unraveling my train of thoughts that's always going 200kmh speed... I started writing because I wanted to untie the knots of ideas and thoughts so that they 'go somewhere', instead of staying knotted in my mind. Gotta make space for creativity in approaching life's everyday stuff.

At least there's something. And this is better than nothing. If this makes you think, "Yea but strive harder, aim higher, gain more.." I'm not there and I still need to process further what I feel about that kind of mindset, careful not to simply mask it as "That's not my style" and explore if it's a case of coping mechanism and gauge whether it's beneficial to my wellbeing or not if it is. 

Okay, bye. Before I say more coz honestly it doesn't end. I will always have something to say and most of the time those things stay stuck in my mind due to worrying that I will bore people or have them think of me as nonsense and crazy. Now that's some disconnection... From our true selves and from each other... :(

I need to be more consistent in doing something

It's November 13th, 2022. A Sunday. And that means it's been at least 3 months since I posted anything here. I remember feeling that this could be a weekly thing I can commit to; documenting my weeks and practicing my vocabulary plus sentence structuring skills, when I restarted (kind of) this blog months ago. 

But alas, here we are, well into 24 or so weeks of not blogging. I also haven't been consistent on social media with my postings and on my handwritten journal - which I vowed to do everyday. 

So, what have I been up to? Okay, at least since the last entry here. 

Mostly parenting, myself and the kids, which had been challenging coz I'm parenting a teenager, a 10-year-old, a 6-year-old and a newborn, and also myself - a child in an adult body. That in itself is a full time job. And on top of that, I need to source money coz world had gotten so fucked up that we've come to this point where money is the preferred currency for everything, and still find ways to grow either by learning new things or relearning what I abandoned out of whim in younger years. I've been finding ways on how I can marry those two so that I can focus my resources better. 

I still am not good at thinking things through, or at processing my thoughts and emotions... Even though it's been about three years since I started this journey of holistic health learning and practicing it every chance I get - which is whenever I remember, I still find it hard some days and feelings of wanting to give up and resort to perceived beliefs of perpetual darkness still come... It's just I handle it better these days, or so I'd like to believe... 

Those things that I wrote in the previous entry (dated August 16, 2022), that I said were taking up space in my head a lot, I've probably taken care of one thing out of the 10; the ant problem. And even that, I did not take care of; nature must have did coz I didn't do anything other than poured some yellow substance on the ant trails. Basically, three months later and I'm still stuck with the same problems. I feel like shit. 

But this huge chunks of time that I've dedicated to solitude, homeschooling the kids, not taking up jobs and focus (more) fully on bettering my communication and parenting skills, that should count... I feel like the past two years had been about finding our place, footing, in the world of homeschooling, adjusting as we go, seeing what fits our needs and capacity and what doesn't... The more we do it, the further away we get from the fear of doing it"wrong"... 

"Lightly, child. Lightly..." Aldous Huxley. My current mantra to quiet down my doubt-riddled mind that gets triggered every time someone - well mostly my mother and Aniq - talks about sending the kids back to school. It's impossible to see results in two years in trying to unlearn what we've learned for decades. 

Truth is, I don't know if what I'm doing is right. I just know that I want to try alternative ways of living rather than simply following what we consider to be normal in today's world...

Till later. 

Scatterbrained

Stuff that's in my head right now;

Baby Koa's birth certificate, need to go to the National Registration Department to get this done, and I hate dealing with public service counters coz they're known to be...difficult, need to decide whether or not I'm including the father's name and details in the cert, kids' education, money matters, postnatal fats, things to giveaway or organise a garage sale, things to talk about as a public figure which if identified will provide for easier channeling of ideas in future job requests, unhealthy routine & diet, I need supplements, meaning, budget for that, Rhu's fever, Micah & Dante's routine, been taking about sending them for martial art or music or swimming or coding classes, their emotional health, subbing as translator, copywriting, proofreading, conversational English, etc., trying not to think about social media coz I know I need to but am procrastinating, the ant problem in my house.. 

I had some thoughts earlier, during my meditation yesterday and today, that I couldn't possibly recall right now. About feeling inspired to initiate something... All i recall is needing to jot it down then and there but was not willing to stop my already half-way meditation... Makes me wonder what do you do when that happens? I mean, in meditation, is it better to pause and write down these ideas or don't do that and risk forgetting those ideas like me right now?

I figured that if I am to restart writing for the sake of getting better at articulating my thoughts so I can improve my communication skills for work or personal relationships, I might as well start consistently journaling my thoughts since thousands of them come and make space in my head everyday. 

I hope that by doing this often, I'll be able to see some improvement in the way I process my thoughts, so that this habit of overthinking will work IN my favour instead of against; consistently resisting had proven that it gets nowhere, just constant recycle of the same situations, as if the universe is trying to tell me that I didn't get the lesson YET. 

Also, I need to prepare scripts for a few gigs, might as well. 

Love,

Scatterbrained

Write, Amy. Write

Here's a post to remind me that I need to write more. It's practice, Amy. Not a once-a-month-or-three kind of 'more'. Everyday you try kind of more. 

"It might take you 30 days to create a habit, but that habit could change your life for the next 30 years."

"What are you doing everyday to achieve your goal in life?" What is your goal in life? "Do you know what you really want?" Close your eyes and ask yourself where would you like to be in 20-30 years from now. What does it look like? 

"Do you spend some time everyday to credit into the account of making that life happen?" 

I mean, just journaling it down on this platform has got to count for something better than nothing, right? 

"...above all, be kind to yourself." I hear myself whisper to my inner child, whom I've been trying to connect with more often than I ever did my entire life, to disintegrate all the decades of shame and pain I've ever accumulated in this body as a result of the environment in which I grew up in...

That helps remind me that I need not rush in pursuing whatever it is that I think will expand my experience in life.. Better a fool to believe in dreams no matter how silly, than a people pleaser trashing dreams coz they don't fit in the class that society sees as normal...

"Write, Amy.. Write..." 

I close my eyes and start visualising what I would consider a life happily lived... If everything in the world is possible, a school, more like a village of parents aspiring to teach or show kids the skills and stuff that we wish we had learned earlier in life, stuff that I've been teaching my kids in our last two years of homeschooling; meditation, journaling, simple but important stretches and workouts, learning about our body, basic food education, mental & emotional wellbeing, environmental education, basic money management, basic woodworking, philosophy, art & music as skills and therapy, etc.  

And we would dance, plant food, make food, meditate, make art, and spread the idea that a healed world is possible.. "Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race," - Michael Jackson, circa 1992. 

How bout a partner? Does it show up in your 'life happily lived' imagined'? 

If I can be honest and truly dig my deepest desires, yes I want a partner who can be on the same path of wanting to better ourselves and enrich the lives of those we come across in our life one way or another, starting with the life of my kids... How do we - me and my imagined partner, utilise the time that we're given to parent these kids, do we act in such a way that we try our best or taking things for granted?

Not sure if that vision of a partner will exist in the form of someone who's already in my life and not really 'there' yet but showed genuine intention to learn, OR someone new...

But, write, Amy. Write... Do it often, do it possibly everyday... It's the one thing that brought you joy and meaning when you were younger, and still does everytime you are kinder to yourself and show up, instead of beating yourself up whenever you don't finish what you started. Haha... 

with love, 

Yourself