What If?

This might sound cliche or even bromidic, but how often do we take the time to stop and think about 'what ifs'? A very close friend of mine who used to be my housemate called me today. When he told me of the news, I replied with the cliched "It's gonna be okay." But what's more than my platitude reply is that, it made me think about how all the while when people mention cancer, I (and I'm sure many others) would seem to think, "It could and would happen to anyone but me."

Most people seem to be in denial of death, in a sense that we live everyday as if tomorrows are infinite. As much as a 'now-and-here' kind of person as I am, I never actually really appreciate life and the people in it that much. I love taking (calculated) risks, but I never really think that there might not be another day for me or the people around me.

*Touchwoods* What if my mom or any one of my family members for that matter, is to be admitted to the hospital tonight and the doctor diagnosed her illness as cancer? What if I am to receive a phonecall from my mom or dad saying that my brother is seriously injured after a terrible road accident? What if my bestfriend is to call me up and tell me that she had just came back from the hospital and that the doctor told her she is at the final stage of a terminal disease? what if I don't receive any calls or updates from one of my closest of friends for ages and only find out now that she had died of an accident or an illness two years back? What if I am to step out of the bus today and a wreckless driver run me over and end my life? What if? What if...?

The one thing that I'm really scared of, is losing people I love, or even had meant something to me at any point of my life, without them knowing how I really feel about them. But more often than not, we let ego decide whether or not we should tell the people we care about, that we care. Somehow we always think that, there's always "there and later"; that maybe "I'll do it some other time, when the time is right." But how do we know WHEN is the right time?

Whenever I feel like telling my estranged father that I somehow care about him and want him to do the same, that I want life to be better for him, that despite all the painful years we'd gone through, I still love him all the same, my mind stops and tempt me to decide not to, thinking, "Nah... He'll only brush it off, too manly to be mushy. I'll tell him all that when he's really old later in life," as if he's gonna be around forever...

We humans are too concerned about what other people would think; how would they react, how would they presume me to be, etc. For what it's worth, it is probably not even close to our vain presumptions. I'd like to end this post by encouraging people to let those around you know what they mean to you. But it's obviously easier said than done.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call up my friend, and tell him that yes, everything is not okay. But today is still HERE. Now is still PRESENT. We still can make the best out of it. While we can't deny the possibility of losing the person we love, it is more important to let them know that our lives had been wonderful with their presence, as little significance as they think it might have been. Since we already know that lives are ending, we might as well live it to the fullest, rather than sit and wallow in sorrow, and regret things later.

And then maybe, hopefully, when I'm done talking to my friend, and realize how much life means to us, him, me, I'd dial my father's number... Hopefully.