My Haters

For someone who had received good/positive/inspiring/motivating/pleasing comments all her life, being scorned at – subtly or directly – can be quite disheartening. And as much as I would like to not believe them, I realize that being mad at these disdaining remarks would only mean that I’m being immature and ignorant of negative opinions, what could also be helpful if used correctly. So I took it all in.

In just two weeks, I received hate messages from three people. Three people; that should mean something, right? Two of these three literally spelled it out that they’re disgusted at the thought of me. One of these three made it clear that he/she was so annoyed by my words and actions that he/she refused to ever see me again. Well actually, all three are completely opposed to the idea of meeting me at all. Funnily, this whole hate-messages thingy started after I sent them a message of peace-making. Yeap. How bizarre.

I’m the kind of person who couldn’t stand the thought of people not liking me. Who could, right? But I’ve always been the kind who wants to settle everything displeasing that ever happened between me and anybody. I’d confront these people, through any way possible; if it’s easier to speak out through words, then messages it is. But if things could be sorted out by meeting up, then chat over drinks it is.

So two weeks ago, I decided to settle things nicely with an old friend. I sent her a message via Facebook (thank God for social networking websites). No swearing, no foul words (except for one part, in giving an example), no negative comments… just a purely honest message of reminiscing a good past, which is followed by, “It would be great if we could at least look each other in the eyes and smile. That’s all.”

What I got for a reply, was utterly shocking. A whole message containing words of despise, pointing the blame back at me (an issue that I still don’t think is my fault at all), that ended with, “Do me a favor, stay the hell out of my life and our friends’, if you have any dignity left.” Funny. Coz the ‘friends’ he/she was referring to, are still happily chatting and exchanging friendly comments with me on a daily basis. Either they’re being hypocrites or he/she was completely lying on a baseless fact.

The second person, same thing. Well, not exactly. I sent a message asking for a proper explanation on an issue. Mind you, nicely, despite this person’s obvious mistakes when that issue was at place. And then there you go again, a reply full of hate and discontent towards me. I was once again, shocked.

There was only one reason why I was so surprised by the way these two reacted; they are much older than me, which leads me to think that by right, they should be much mature than me, right? They should know better how to handle issues at hand better than I do. I felt (and still do) like I was being the wiser one by not reacting in anger like they did.

Now, the third one. I wrote about him/her in my blog. Remember ‘shithead’ (which I am more than glad to retract by now)? I re-added him/her into my friends list, thinking that bygones should be bygones and I still somehow believe that he/she is a nice person and worth to at least have as an acquaintance. I chatted with him virtually and asked him/her for opinions on matters what could be personal, just to see if I could recapture that good side of chemistry we had before the failure of getting along with each other. That one went well, but yeah, really stale tho’. So I decided, it’s just probably not gonna work, at least not the way I expected it to be. So the communication/contact rate lessens.

I wasn’t even thinking about him/her anymore until a message came in two days ago, which led me to reminiscent of the past (the good parts , of course). And I thought, “I’m leaving in a couple of weeks time and might not be coming back. Why not see him/her before I leave, see if it might work out because the first two times sucked big time. Who knows, third time’s the charm they say, right?” He/she gave me the idea of meeting up first, which, coming to think about it now, might have been a joke I didn’t get. All in all, the message-replying scenario just turned ugly, and I ended up being scorned at.

You may think that Amy is probably just being ignorant of things that might have been her fault, that she's just pretending not to hear nor see the bad side of her that people see. I thought so too. But there is another thing about me; I don’t react in anger or hatred, outwardly expressed or not, before I make sure that I am on the right side of things. For all three Haters (yeah, that’s what I call them, not exactly applicable for the third one tho’. He/she doesn’t hate me, only annoyed – as he/she put it), I actually went around asking for opinions from people whose points of view can be trusted because they don’t always think I’m right, a.k.a., honest. And they said that it’s weird that I even asked them if I’m right to feel the way I felt about Them Haters, because the issues are mighty obvious, as in, it is easily detectable who’s the victim and the villain. So, either these people whose opinions I trust are lying, or… well, I’m right.

So what happened after them Haters (the first two, actually. The third one doesn’t affect me much) replied in such anger and hatred? Did I reply them angrily and in hate as well? *smiles* I’m proud of myself, really. I calmly answered all their angry questions, correctly with no exaggerations – with bits of sarcasm here and there - and offered a second chance of peace, to which they reacted by deleting me off their friends list completely (as if that’s gonna solve the problem). And I just left it at that. It’s not that I give up in trying to settle our issue. I’m gonna try again, maybe in later years when they’re mature enough to react to peace-making messages properly.

It's not like I'm saying that I don't have any negative attributes. I do. I don't always do things correctly or handle things peoperly. I fumble and fall every now and then, I make mistakes, I blurt out displeasing words, I don't always smile 24/7, I'm not always available for help, etc. I accept the way I am and do try and change what I'm capable of changing. All apologies to people who were ever negatively affected by the decisons I made, the steps I took, the words I said, I face I put on, the assistance I failed to offer, the love I failed to give. But I think we're all capable of these shortcomings, and we're all given a choice to understand or to ignore people's imperfections, to forgive or to dwell in anger.

To my Haters, I can only hope that you will find it in your hearts someday to get rid of the hatred, and all I want is for us to be able to at least look each other in the eyes and frame our faces with a heartfelt smile. That's all.

Cheers.