Epiphany

May 31, 2022. Tuesday.

It was a random Friday afternoon and I was engrossed in deep-cleaning the toilet; and as usual when I'm doing this I'll be in the zone, letting my thoughts flow unbridled and unstructured. One of those thoughts hit harder than the others, like an epiphany. This thought was about me, and how I want to show up in the world, which is something I've been struggling with for the past three years or so.

"My purpose in this life is not to be liked by others... I want to do what is right by me, and not what is right or liked by society..."

Maybe that sentence and what I mean exactly by that can be fine-tuned as we go along this entry. But for the purpose of continuity and clarity; I was thinking about and kind of scanning what I feel about where I am and where I was... I have been thinking about posting and Tweeting a few unpopular opinions about some of the things happening in the community I live in and they're all still staying in 'Drafts'. There's just a lot of fear about other people's perception of me and I hate that feeling... So I sat with it...

It has taken me a long time to be able to do that, to sit with whatever uncomfortable feelings I experience in my day-to-day, brought about or triggered by past experiences... To be fair, I only started therapy - the proper one (what I deem as 'proper therapy' in another post perhaps), or at least the one that feels the most suitable for me - three years ago. So, I'm technically still a toddler in this new phase of my life and still have a lot to learn... Nor is it something we'll have a guarantee of 'graduating' from; I've learned to accept that this healing process may be a lifelong journey, and that's okay.

Sitting with my fear of other people's opinions of my opinions - haha - led me to think about my people-pleasing habits, where I got it from, and how it has shaped the way I see myself and show up in the world... I've been thinking about this, talking about it, unraveling, finding new pieces of information sometimes and feeling stagnant and unfruitful other times, and that random Friday afternoon, I thought about how that feeling of desperately wanting to be liked by other people must have been my mother's wound... And I inherited it... That was her desire, her way of wanting to show up in this life, not mine...

I thought about how I used to be a journalist always questioning things beyond what's on the surface, and I liked it. I liked it, I didn't care if others did, but I liked it. I liked the feeling of knowing I spoke my mind in spite of popular opinions, way better than the feeling of being liked by others for being funny or for putting up a good performance.

And I thought, maybe that was my superpower... Maybe that's why I've been struggling these past few years about deciding on how I want to show up in the world, in this life, because I've been trying too hard to be liked by others falsely thinking that my superpower is making other people like me, or performing...

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll change my mind about that. Maybe it's an epiphany that's gonna change the course of my life forever. Whatever it is, it feels right by me, for now... Let's see what happens if I decide to follow through on this thought.

ends. 

Writing, Blogging. Blogging again to practice writing. I suck at titles really

 I came across what I found to be a very helpful Tweet about writing, as it got me feeling like I needed to do something about my internal chatter right away.

"https://twitter.com/Alexmathers84/status/1524737036938358786?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2022

That part what this guy said about to write loose, write as therapy, and stop hiding, really got me. I'm gonna add another one' "Write dumb. Just start and publish already." Coz one of the main things that got me stop blogging is the fear of what if people think this is stupid... And here I am...

I have been hiding... Hiding behind excuses as to why I shouldn't write, mainly because I'm always frozen by my inability to stay consistent, stay motivated... which has a lot to do with my brain chemicals and neurological pathways that had been chronically affected by my upbringing and trauma, right. Not making up excuses but really, I'm putting it here coz I didn't have the language nor understanding of what was 'wrong' with me for so long... Decades...

I didn't know how significantly trauma and habits - eating, sleeping, lifestyle habits, affect the chemicals in our brains and body and hence the choices we make in life, big and small, until I started learning deeper and wider about the psychology of being human three years ago.. And I've been fascinated ever since...

Although, getting fascinated did not prepare me for the amount of mental and emotional work it takes to start working on our inner world... It's been fucking hard... There are good days and hard days, and today is one of the latter...

I'm juggling so much, mentally, and with little help.. I had a weekly therapy session for about two years, and I stopped due to financial reasons... After that, I have a mentor and routines that help me stay afloat and be able to dig myself out of holes when overwhelm hits, thanks to the tools I learned how to do from attending therapy...

However, it's still not easy to just flip out the tools when I need it... Old habits die heard, right, and it's easier to just fall back to old patterns of making choices that grant instant gratification in handling life crises rather than choosing the harder work of staying consistent in the healing journey and approaching things differently...

I can't help but feel I need help... Having a life partner who is on the same path or more advanced in the journey would be the most ideal... But I don't think that's how it works... I think I need to sort out my massively cluttered inner world first, before I get into another relationship...

But it feels like it's a workload that will never finish.. Adulting, bills, income, kids, chores, being, trying to exist and change in a bubble of people who don't see things the same way, trying to learn together and show the kids healthier ways of being in a community of people who are comfortable staying the same...

Maybe, and I'd like to believe that, that's not the point... The point is not working towards 'finishing' the tasks... Maybe the point is in enjoying the tasks, coz the list of things to do will never end... w then, what is there left to do when it does, right?

And that I need to just work on my perspective... To balance between accepting things and letting go... Some days are gonna be good some days harder... Keep having faith that this is it. This is what they meant when they say, "You live only once."

-ends-

Life at 37

May 17th, 2022. 11:AM

I keep hearing this quote, "Happiness begins in our minds." And this morning during my usual Sadhguru morning monologue - which I've been doing for the past 3-4 years as part of my morning routine, he reminded me that we can't possibly have a clear mind if we're not in the state of joy and pleasantness.. Which is how I often feel about my life...

I woke up today feeling like shit again, not looking forward to want to charge the day. Just a lot of heaviness of having to get all the kids to do our morning routine, coming up with lessons for the day (we've been homeschooling for the last 2 years), chores, planning for the second and third ones' birthday celebration (they wanna go camping - but I'm stuck at, should I invite anybody else or should we just go the four of us which is what I prefer), finding work - radio work, which was my main source of income had stopped since August 2021 and I've been relying on emceeing and hosting jobs to survive but even those are hard to come by these days, maintaining my social media presence - which is where I get jobs from, starting a business, Oreo our dog - whom I'm thinking of letting go of because it's too much work, more than I can handle, my upcoming baby - I'm 33 weeks pregnant, unplanned, unprepared, separated and in the process of divorce, and since the halt of the radio job, I've been filling up my time learning about and training in holistic healthcare with the Liku-Liku Center 3 times a week - not exactly fun and it takes a lot of determination to show up and be consistent, because it's like attending school again. 

So tell me Sadhguru, how can I have a pleasant ad joyful state of mind when I'm basically an unemployed single pregnant mother homeschooling three kids and a dog while also having to worry about mundane chores like laundry, dishes, changing the curtains, wiping the fans, mopping the floor, waste management, time management, making space for the upcoming baby....... 

I'm filled to the brim... Mentally and emotionally.. I've been thinking about whether or not I should just take medication for my mental health issues.. Thinking that maybe it will at least help me with my executive dysfunction. Coz if I'm honest, I think these things that get me worn out are normal stuff humans should be able to do or at least get help with. And that's one of my main issues; I don't ask for help. Like it just doesn't exist in my operating system to actively go and ask for help. 

I woke up at 8AM today - later than my usual 7-ish coz, well, pregnant, inconsistent sleep patterns.. I did my morning routines as usual but didn't have time to do my morning exercise and meditation coz I had to do chores, chores that I normally asked the kids to do - they're 13, 10 and 6 now, totally capable of doing the simpler chores like sweeping, hanging the laundry, folding them, washing the dishes and putting them away. And I have been asking them to do it regularly. The ideal is to get to a point where they have the awareness to do it out of habit, but two years on, I still find myself having to remind them to do it. They're in constant need of motivation to do things, and I'm learning how not to be too hard on them and on myself. Some days tho, when it's less than ideal, we wake up later than usual and I have to rearrange, especially after a long weekend where there's public holidays or other unforeseen change of events, like today. And I would be more lenient, asking them to focus on the lessons instead and I'll do the chores. 

Now it's 12PM and I already have to prepare lunch. That will take about one hour and a half and then we'll have lunch together and then I will already have to go out for my healthcare training till about 7PM...

I haven't even replied to messages and emails at this point... Breathe in, exhale, repeat, soldier on. 

Later then.