Coparenting

Since separating from my most recent partner, Niq, we've been coparenting the kids, adjusting according to our respective schedule. It started with me having the kids on weekdays and him on the weekends. And then some stays get overstretched according to public holidays, school holidays, and I've been learning to let go of rigidity coz, honestly, I was starting to enjoy the days and nights that I get to have being alone, not having to worry about whether or not they have eaten, bathed, or managing who does or haven't done what chore. It's more tiring doing those things alone, but it's also much more less stress not having to manage other people but myself. Then kids come home and I appreciate them more, able to be more lenient with the house rules, able to enjoy bedtime bonding more, and we don't fight as much. 

There are downsides of course. It gets harder to go back to healthier practices and diet that I've worked hard on implementing in our house, coz they didn't have to follow them when they're with the dad, so I look like the 'bad guy' for having to be the disciplinarian. Oh, it's one of the things that have been eating me up inside... I get into serious anxious and depressive moments, not being able to accept that things are the way they are and I just have to adjust my expectations, not to set the bar so high that I end up being depressed all the time.. 

I was also dead worried about how the kids are going to adjust. Because some days, they are also separated; the boys stay with and Rhu stays with her father, mostly coz she wants to... And I think part of it is because of his lack of discipline and my overwhelming need to have things work out the way I want them to... I was and still sometimes worry about how this will affect their relationship with each other, with me, with their dad(s), how they will view the world and how things work, being exposed to confusing life principles and mixed messages - one parent says yes to play video games or watch Youtube for more than two hours and the other says no, one parent feeds cereal and cow's milk as breakfast and the other parent insists on always having fruits for breakfast, one parent is okay with kids not doing any house chores while the other says it's a must everyday...

I watched a Teal Swan video today about 'Getting in the Flow', and thought about how that resonates with one of the things my therapist friend slash podcast co-host said about "going with the Woo Way"... 

It's a lot to digest (duh, it's Teal Swan - I like to listen to an episode or a topic more than once to really get what she's saying), but I get it and I feel that her version of truth and authenticity resembles what I feel is right in my gut... So I like letting myself process her teachings, even if they are hard pills to swallow...

And in that video is a reminder for me to ride with the waves... Like a surfer who needs to work with the waves and not try to control them or go against them... 

It's not easy, but I'm doing it... Going with the Woo Way - which I learned is derived from one of Daoism teachings of flowing with the 'wu wei', effortless action, doing nothing... 

The kids came home today, and we had a good time catching up.. But their dad is also here, sleeping over, coz he had an argument with his sister and now he doesn't wanna go back to the family home where he had been staying with his parents and sister who has three kids that enjoy playing with my kids whenever they went over... But more on that in another post.. It's past midnight and this pregger mama needs to sleep.. Long day tomorrow, many decisions to make... 

Till then. 

Epiphany

May 31, 2022. Tuesday.

It was a random Friday afternoon and I was engrossed in deep-cleaning the toilet; and as usual when I'm doing this I'll be in the zone, letting my thoughts flow unbridled and unstructured. One of those thoughts hit harder than the others, like an epiphany. This thought was about me, and how I want to show up in the world, which is something I've been struggling with for the past three years or so.

"My purpose in this life is not to be liked by others... I want to do what is right by me, and not what is right or liked by society..."

Maybe that sentence and what I mean exactly by that can be fine-tuned as we go along this entry. But for the purpose of continuity and clarity; I was thinking about and kind of scanning what I feel about where I am and where I was... I have been thinking about posting and Tweeting a few unpopular opinions about some of the things happening in the community I live in and they're all still staying in 'Drafts'. There's just a lot of fear about other people's perception of me and I hate that feeling... So I sat with it...

It has taken me a long time to be able to do that, to sit with whatever uncomfortable feelings I experience in my day-to-day, brought about or triggered by past experiences... To be fair, I only started therapy - the proper one (what I deem as 'proper therapy' in another post perhaps), or at least the one that feels the most suitable for me - three years ago. So, I'm technically still a toddler in this new phase of my life and still have a lot to learn... Nor is it something we'll have a guarantee of 'graduating' from; I've learned to accept that this healing process may be a lifelong journey, and that's okay.

Sitting with my fear of other people's opinions of my opinions - haha - led me to think about my people-pleasing habits, where I got it from, and how it has shaped the way I see myself and show up in the world... I've been thinking about this, talking about it, unraveling, finding new pieces of information sometimes and feeling stagnant and unfruitful other times, and that random Friday afternoon, I thought about how that feeling of desperately wanting to be liked by other people must have been my mother's wound... And I inherited it... That was her desire, her way of wanting to show up in this life, not mine...

I thought about how I used to be a journalist always questioning things beyond what's on the surface, and I liked it. I liked it, I didn't care if others did, but I liked it. I liked the feeling of knowing I spoke my mind in spite of popular opinions, way better than the feeling of being liked by others for being funny or for putting up a good performance.

And I thought, maybe that was my superpower... Maybe that's why I've been struggling these past few years about deciding on how I want to show up in the world, in this life, because I've been trying too hard to be liked by others falsely thinking that my superpower is making other people like me, or performing...

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll change my mind about that. Maybe it's an epiphany that's gonna change the course of my life forever. Whatever it is, it feels right by me, for now... Let's see what happens if I decide to follow through on this thought.

ends. 

Writing, Blogging. Blogging again to practice writing. I suck at titles really

 I came across what I found to be a very helpful Tweet about writing, as it got me feeling like I needed to do something about my internal chatter right away.

"https://twitter.com/Alexmathers84/status/1524737036938358786?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2022

That part what this guy said about to write loose, write as therapy, and stop hiding, really got me. I'm gonna add another one' "Write dumb. Just start and publish already." Coz one of the main things that got me stop blogging is the fear of what if people think this is stupid... And here I am...

I have been hiding... Hiding behind excuses as to why I shouldn't write, mainly because I'm always frozen by my inability to stay consistent, stay motivated... which has a lot to do with my brain chemicals and neurological pathways that had been chronically affected by my upbringing and trauma, right. Not making up excuses but really, I'm putting it here coz I didn't have the language nor understanding of what was 'wrong' with me for so long... Decades...

I didn't know how significantly trauma and habits - eating, sleeping, lifestyle habits, affect the chemicals in our brains and body and hence the choices we make in life, big and small, until I started learning deeper and wider about the psychology of being human three years ago.. And I've been fascinated ever since...

Although, getting fascinated did not prepare me for the amount of mental and emotional work it takes to start working on our inner world... It's been fucking hard... There are good days and hard days, and today is one of the latter...

I'm juggling so much, mentally, and with little help.. I had a weekly therapy session for about two years, and I stopped due to financial reasons... After that, I have a mentor and routines that help me stay afloat and be able to dig myself out of holes when overwhelm hits, thanks to the tools I learned how to do from attending therapy...

However, it's still not easy to just flip out the tools when I need it... Old habits die heard, right, and it's easier to just fall back to old patterns of making choices that grant instant gratification in handling life crises rather than choosing the harder work of staying consistent in the healing journey and approaching things differently...

I can't help but feel I need help... Having a life partner who is on the same path or more advanced in the journey would be the most ideal... But I don't think that's how it works... I think I need to sort out my massively cluttered inner world first, before I get into another relationship...

But it feels like it's a workload that will never finish.. Adulting, bills, income, kids, chores, being, trying to exist and change in a bubble of people who don't see things the same way, trying to learn together and show the kids healthier ways of being in a community of people who are comfortable staying the same...

Maybe, and I'd like to believe that, that's not the point... The point is not working towards 'finishing' the tasks... Maybe the point is in enjoying the tasks, coz the list of things to do will never end... w then, what is there left to do when it does, right?

And that I need to just work on my perspective... To balance between accepting things and letting go... Some days are gonna be good some days harder... Keep having faith that this is it. This is what they meant when they say, "You live only once."

-ends-

Life at 37

May 17th, 2022. 11:AM

I keep hearing this quote, "Happiness begins in our minds." And this morning during my usual Sadhguru morning monologue - which I've been doing for the past 3-4 years as part of my morning routine, he reminded me that we can't possibly have a clear mind if we're not in the state of joy and pleasantness.. Which is how I often feel about my life...

I woke up today feeling like shit again, not looking forward to want to charge the day. Just a lot of heaviness of having to get all the kids to do our morning routine, coming up with lessons for the day (we've been homeschooling for the last 2 years), chores, planning for the second and third ones' birthday celebration (they wanna go camping - but I'm stuck at, should I invite anybody else or should we just go the four of us which is what I prefer), finding work - radio work, which was my main source of income had stopped since August 2021 and I've been relying on emceeing and hosting jobs to survive but even those are hard to come by these days, maintaining my social media presence - which is where I get jobs from, starting a business, Oreo our dog - whom I'm thinking of letting go of because it's too much work, more than I can handle, my upcoming baby - I'm 33 weeks pregnant, unplanned, unprepared, separated and in the process of divorce, and since the halt of the radio job, I've been filling up my time learning about and training in holistic healthcare with the Liku-Liku Center 3 times a week - not exactly fun and it takes a lot of determination to show up and be consistent, because it's like attending school again. 

So tell me Sadhguru, how can I have a pleasant ad joyful state of mind when I'm basically an unemployed single pregnant mother homeschooling three kids and a dog while also having to worry about mundane chores like laundry, dishes, changing the curtains, wiping the fans, mopping the floor, waste management, time management, making space for the upcoming baby....... 

I'm filled to the brim... Mentally and emotionally.. I've been thinking about whether or not I should just take medication for my mental health issues.. Thinking that maybe it will at least help me with my executive dysfunction. Coz if I'm honest, I think these things that get me worn out are normal stuff humans should be able to do or at least get help with. And that's one of my main issues; I don't ask for help. Like it just doesn't exist in my operating system to actively go and ask for help. 

I woke up at 8AM today - later than my usual 7-ish coz, well, pregnant, inconsistent sleep patterns.. I did my morning routines as usual but didn't have time to do my morning exercise and meditation coz I had to do chores, chores that I normally asked the kids to do - they're 13, 10 and 6 now, totally capable of doing the simpler chores like sweeping, hanging the laundry, folding them, washing the dishes and putting them away. And I have been asking them to do it regularly. The ideal is to get to a point where they have the awareness to do it out of habit, but two years on, I still find myself having to remind them to do it. They're in constant need of motivation to do things, and I'm learning how not to be too hard on them and on myself. Some days tho, when it's less than ideal, we wake up later than usual and I have to rearrange, especially after a long weekend where there's public holidays or other unforeseen change of events, like today. And I would be more lenient, asking them to focus on the lessons instead and I'll do the chores. 

Now it's 12PM and I already have to prepare lunch. That will take about one hour and a half and then we'll have lunch together and then I will already have to go out for my healthcare training till about 7PM...

I haven't even replied to messages and emails at this point... Breathe in, exhale, repeat, soldier on. 

Later then. 

Drafts

Draft after drafts... Who's counting right? Nobody knows it, nobody sees it, except for me and the people/bots manning this website I guess. 

It's good practice I suppose.. To keep writing (more like typing. But you get the drill)... Even if it's just in drafts... At least I'm writing (typing) right? Is this not a form of escapism/running away/avoiding? Coz I could just actually write these thoughts down in my journal... Why am I not doing that? Lazy? Can't it simply be because I don't feel like it? Of course it can. Who's talking? 

Why type instead of write? It's FASTER! And deletable instead of having to physically cross words that we thought of deleting later to replace with words that we deem 'better'. And they get saved in drafts. And they remain accessible from anywhere coz they're digital. 

But why write instead of type? It's much better for our motor skills. And studies have shown (they have! I just don't remember the sources pardon me), that we remember things better when we physically write them down, as in, our brains actually record some sort of documentation in our neuropaths much better than if we are to simply type them. Yes, we remember things when we type them out coz duh, they obviously get documented. But not the way that writing does. 

I'm just procrastinating am I... I have tonnes of things weighing in my brain right now and I've been triggered to feel overwhelmed a few times throughout today... I've taken the time to contemplate and meditate, put phone on silent, spent some time connecting with the kids, but no I have to do the hard (and actual) work of addressing the issues one by one; work, projects, big decision making on where to live and a divorce... 

Drafts... i'm sure I'll look back and read these things with less heaviness in my being years on.

I tried starting a journal of my healing journey...

 

Turning 36

My last blog entry was 6 years ago. Fuck me. I totally underestimated my capability of procrastinating things. Writing this now in view of my 36th birthday in a couple of hours, and at a point where I don't identify as a writer anymore... because life got in the way and bit by bot I forgot how to write full sentences that don't end up either confusing readers or just totally pointless. 

There's something about birthdays (like New Year's Eve) that wakes up the part of us that wants to reflect on how our life has been thus far, whether you're a big fan of (your own) birthday or not. Up to this point, I used to pretend like I didn't care about my birthday, but deep down secretly longed for someone to remember and wish me. It took me being 36 to find the courage to admit that openly. It makes me think, why tho. Why do we feel ashamed of not being open with what we truly want. Let's save that topic for another post.

I've been in psychotherapy for more than a year now, learned how to live better through the tools that came with the sessions and training, changing lifestyle, diet and ways of interacting with the relationships in my life and therefore improving the quality of those relationships and hence, my life in general... The journey that I started with my therapists had unravelled a lot of deeply hidden childhood trauma and I've been on a journey of slowly healing them one by one, one baby step at a time.

But this isn't an entry to talk about therapy; that could be a topic for another post. 

At 36, Amy Dangin is a radio announcer attached to a radio station, event-based show host, TV host, moderator, hireable acting and voice talent, social media-based influencer. Mother of three wonderful kids. Divorced once, married twice. Currently training with my therapist to be a life coach. Still friends with some of the same amazing ones and also made new lifetime-worthy ones over the years. 

My last entry in this blog was written and published from a really dark and confusing place in my life; I was in the midst of the divorce of my first marriage, and probably questioning and regretting the decision, not because it wasn't the right thing to do, but more because of the attachment issues we build around romantic relationships. 

What's important to note was that I really didn't think I would ever find the way out of that dark place. And when I did, I really didn't think I would ever go back to that dark place again. Because that's how it normally works, right? You fall, you break, you regather your pieces and succeed and never again returning to falling, right? Wrong. 

We all have this notion that therapy will magically erase our struggles and we'll be a calm as a monk in handling life's turbulences. I did too. Took me half a year and numerous cycles of emotional ups and downs to realise it doesn't work that way. Therapy is space, where I received the guidance and learned ways to cope with the turbulences, not erase them. Some days I win, some days I lose. But with therapy helping me find ways to express my suppressed emotions and create so many feel-good experiences within my own body, I lose better now; acceptance, letting go and the discernment to know the difference. 

Oh, I may have mentioned changing my diet, but my 14-year-old self would be so proud of me for this so it needs a mention; being vegan for 3 months. Yes, kid, we did! Who would've thought this red meat-loving body would ever be able to even try plant-based diet right. It did wonders to my mental health, emotional regulation and skin. Consistent healthy eating, water-drinking, zero-sugar and zero-creamer coffee, 3 times a day of probiotics, oil-pulling, and workout. 

Though now, I've gone back to my unhealthiness, for a couple of months now. It feels sucky. But I know I can get back to living right again. It's just...

I've been through some rough patches again lately. It's my current marriage. 

Haha, what is it with me and marriages in their 5th year.

I'd type more about that but this blog will be too long for even me to reread. And it's 11PM and I'm sleepy because kids had been going to school again so we've had to readjust our sleeping schedule. 

It's also worth noting to my younger self that I've done unschooling the kids for an entire year - well, since the lockdown started in March 2020. Yes, there was a lockdown due to a global pandemic and we started planting plants, baking cakes and cookies and finding all sorts of ways to be creative. 

I'd be a sucky updater of news, especially now that I've learned to accept an embrace my procrastination (after years of hopeless battles of resisting and trying to change it). 

Who knows when my next entry will be. Another 5?

But fuck me, if I ever stop using writing as a way to help draw a map of my world.