Still?

It's been awhile since i last update myself on the political and social news in Malaysia. I think the last thing I remember was, Kok, RPK and the Sin Chew reporter being detained under ISA for petty reasons. And a few other news I can't recall by now. Being in in this line gives you limited time, connection, sources, but mostly a sense of concern to give two pots about stuff like that.

Only today did I 'tergerak hati' to type on Malaysiakini's web address (and thankfully I still remember the login password) and enlighten myself with the latest updates. And my, my... It hadn't change a little.

While leaders around the globe are working on global crises, especially economic as we know how rapidly deteriorating it is, ours - as in Malaysian leaders - are still caught up in worrying about whether yoga affects Islamic faiths, and other issues pertaining to Malay's special rights/privileges. So, what's new?

Still waiting for things to change, even in the slightest ways, before I can blab more about this.

Out.

Thanks Mom

I just got off the phone with my mom and guess what? I told her that I'm pushing this till May or June after my convocation and get my transcript. As you would have expected, she gave me a long lecture about how I'd spent three years of my time - not including my kindergarten, primary, secondary and A-Levels education - and now throwing it away wasting my life and Degree on singing in a pub in small town Bintulu.

I kept quiet. And then laughed. I didn't talk back like how i usually would because she has a point. I wanted to say it's only until June at the most. But then I remembered that one month ago I said "it's only until January at the most," and now find myself extending the "at the most" part of the sentence. So I shut up and said nothing in return. Until she screamed, "Say something!" Hehe.

My convocation will be in May or June or maybe earlier. Although at first I did this because I wanted to give singing a shot, now I think I might have a new purpose; gain enough money till my convo time comes so i can afford to buy air tickets and accommodation for my family. It may sound like a lame excuse, or maybe even saying that more to convince myself than anyone else. But at least I have a purpose, and I mean it.

Eventually, she gave in. Not like anything she says can change my mind anyway. She knows that. But she also knows that whatever I want, I know I want it. That's why she never really steps in the way. Thanks mom. I really, really appreciate your understanding. And I really, really miss you.

So now, it's a matter of letting my dad know (God help me!).

Thus far, life is still good. I'm still enjoying it. I meet a lot of, various interesting people, learn a lot from them and them from me. These are the kind of things that I never expected would come along the way but they did, which I'm grateful for. I'd surely miss them when I leave.

Our contract here ends in February and next we'll probably be in West Malaysia. We're looking at Penang, or Langkawi, or KL, or maybe even Kuching. Wherever we'll be I'm sure it's gonna be bigger than Bintulu, that's why i shall make all the mistakes here, learn from them, and make no more when I go to those big places.

More updates later. Got a show to run. =)

Cheers!

p/s: I managed to wake up early for Mass last Sunday. Woohoo!!!

Dancing Queen

It's been ages since I last got in touch with the Internet. At least I feel so. And man, ain't it torturing... So now that I get the chance to do so, what's better to do than update everyone, right? Here goes...

If you don't already know, I'm in Bintulu, living the life of a Dancing Queen, or Singing Queen that is. It was initially a decision that I almost feared as something that I might regret. But my my... am I not loving it that I might even do this longer than I planned to.

It's a small but happening town. People are nice; from the Immigration officer I met the moment I arrived at the airport, to the taxi driver who took me to Casablanca, to my band members whom I'm working with cum my housemates, to the customers who come to watch us perform, to the baternders at my workplace, the owner, the tauke... Everyone. Well at least for now, which is only my second week here. *smiles*

My job, simple. Just do it while having fun. Sometimes by our fourth set I'd be worn out, tired of singing and dancing, but it's a sin to stop smiling and look bored when you're doing this kind of job. So there I go, smiling, singing and dancing like there's no tomorrow. But I ain't complaining. By the end of the day, it's always a nice feeling.

I'm still not sure how long will I keep doing this (Shush, don't tell my mom I said that). I do have bigger dreams, this is just one of it and I'm living it. Felt it. Now I can say I've been there and done that. So now I'm set to live my other dreams, which could turn out to be a long list. But nevermind Amy; one step at a time. So friends, family, folks, don't worry, this is not all that I'm living for. Maybe for now. But I know very well that my other dreams are waiting to be lived.

Cheers. More later.

Of Optimism in Possibility

"… given the increasing diversity of America's population, the dangers of sectarianism have never been greater. Whatever we once were, we are no longer just a Christian nation; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers. …

And even if we did have only Christians in our midst, if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States of America, whose Christianity would we teach in the schools?"
- Barack Obama Call to renewal: keynote address June 28, 2006.

I was talking - or more of arguing - with a friend regarding the political issues in Malaysia, which sparked off upon learning the acquittal of Razak Baginda (unbelievable yet expected), and which eventually led to the topic of the US' most phenomenal and exciting presidential election ever. I must have talked of Barry Obama as if I'd known him personally and sounded so confident that he will bring about the change that we'd been long wishing for, because this friend countered my confident opinions by asking, "How do you know he will do as he campaigned and promised?"

And again, I reiterated the positive and optimistic attitude of opening to the possibility of change. I wouldn't possibly know if it's going to be better. But none of us know if it's going to get worse either. Change itself is a subjective word that doesn't indicate better or worse, positive or negative. But why choose to stay is stagnant situations rather than anticipate something that could actually be done something about? Better yet, why choose to stay in situations that are already shitty anyway?

And of course, I don't know if Obama is as multiculturally tolerant and determinant as he is in the speeches he delivers. But here's the thing; John McCain is no better, and yeah I'm judging by the gists of their speeches. But if McCain can't even proove his ability and magnetism through the way he delivers messages and keynotes, then... You get the drill. You may say that I'm too delusional; anticipating a change that would revive political scenes and eventually the world. But hey, better delusional than indifferent.

I in the first place, might not even be in place to comment anything about it; I can't vote for US president anyway. Malaysia's ministerial is also in a mess, better focus on that before bothering to comment on other countries' presidential election (did I say it is the century's most exciting elections ever???). But this is not about just any country. This is America we're talking about. And you know what they say, when America coughs, the whole world catches cold. =)

First Love. Or So We Call It.

There's this notion in my head that never wore off; that I could and would never feel love as truly, as deep, as passionate, as I did when I fell for this one guy at the age of 16. Oh, I had multiple boyfriends before as well as after him. But nothing, and I mean nothing could beat what I felt for him.

This particular guy - the one I could safely say I fell in love with - he was 21 when we met. We were friends, or more of acquaintances, two years prior to being a couple. Unlike the guys I've been with before him (and sadly, even after him), he made me feel... Gosh, I don't even know how to describe that feeling. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to cry yet jump with joy, secure yet scared, ALL at the same time. It's just indescribable. And the first kiss, it felt like the whole world just faded and silenced and for a moment there, it was just me, him, and our feelings, completely NOTHING else...

The 'KISS'. The one that makes you feel like you mean something to someone, completely you, the whole you, and being loved for just YOU. And that kiss that automatically closes you eyes and you'd just float, like you're not where you are... and the kiss that, when you open your eyes, makes you say to yourself, "I want nothing more..." And you don't, because that's all that could ever be.

We went on three years. The journey was bumpy. But it was great. Tremendously great. It was beautiful and I should have known that all good things must come to an end, because it was totally heartbreaking when it ended. It took me years after that trying to mend the pieces. Today, it has been 7 years since it ended, yet I still can't find some of the broken pieces I left then. It's getting better but sometimes, there are still moments while reading a novel, or watching a movie, or listening to a love song, where the image of his face - to the details - would appear in my mind.

It took me a lot of years, letters, men, tears, work, studies, more men, anger, to try and get over him. And when I realized that I can't keep hoping for him to come back, I opened the door again. But my, ain't it hard to open it wide. Opening it ajar is the best that I can do.

For whatever reason that is, I never know for sure. All I know is, I've been infidel towards Love itself. I forgot how it felt like to commit a commitment that comes right out of your heart; committing because you want to, not because you work for it. I forgot how it feels like to care about a person so much it hurts myself. I forgot how it feels like to want to see a person everyday, or always wanting to talk to him. I forgot how it feels like to kiss with meanings deeper than just suggesting "This is going to be adjourned to bed, clothes off." I forgot how to... love.

To all the ones I've been with before and after this one particular guy, I'm sorry. Honestly - and you probably know it better than me - I didn't give it my best. I didn't jump with both feet in. I'm not scared, or afraid of falling in love again. I just don't know how anymore. It's like, a knowledge, if not a feeling, that was robbed off me. For some reason, I just couldn't feel, do, nor think the same about love the way I did. I just don't know how.

I tried. Gave it a shot. But someone always ends up hurt. It came to one point where I just stop. Rather than trying to commit to someone because that someone deserves my loyalty, and to mention, worthy of it, I failed miserably and I just give up trying at all, because the more I try, more people are hurt. So I go on living life... More often than not I meet men whom I would say are worthy of my attention, and probably even effort. I would like them today and think, "Hey, he's not bad," but wake up the next day and just have a 180 degree turned of opinion.

I'm not looking for any relationship right now. But I'd be lying if say that all these petty experiences didn't for one second get me thinking, "How long will this go on?" "How long more would I go around treating men like they're clothes?" "Wouldn't it come to a day when I would look around me and see friends who are settled down, or at least just be with the men they, well.. love?" "And since all the men I'm seeing now are just... men/friends/flirts/platonic friends, which one would I really turn to for everything? For fun, for security, for company, for opinions, for a shoulder, for... love?"

Needless to say, I'm still young. 23. Some would say that it's not time I think about all these commitment issues, that it's not about time for me to worry whether or not I'll settle down sooner or later, that I should play the field. Oh I've played the field alright. And although it was fun at first, eventually I'll sit down at my balcony alone, looking at the stars and wonder, "Will I ever find anyone worthy to share this moment with?" And usually, even after 7 years later, only one face would be vividly pictured in my mind, bringing along with it fresh-like feelings that I once felt when I was 16...

There had been many times when I honestly thought I had let him go, and it's been done in so many ways. We had confronted each other about it (thousands of times) and I should already get my answers, which I did. But I guess, it's only normal that letting go is not easy. Sometimes I wonder why, even after all these years, I'm still not able to really let go of him. Would anyone ever be able to make me feel the way he did just by looking at me? Would anyone ever be able to make my name sound just as sweet whenever he says it? Would anyone ever be able to give me the kind of comfort he gave me? Or the security? And even the fear of losing him? Would anyone ever be able to be the kind of friend he is to me? Would I ever, ever be able to love anyone just like I've loved, and still do, him? Would I ever, ever again... love?

First times are always exciting, unexpected, breath-taking, awesome, fearful, scary... Awesome. But it doesn't mean that second time couldn't be just as great. If only I just put in just as much effort as I did the first time. And the best thing about the second time is that, you get to learn from the first one and do better. *smiles*

No doubt, the memories will always stay. As much as I'd wish the memories and feelings would just fade away so that it would be much easier, they'd stay. And since there's nothing much I can do about it, I might as well make the best out of it; keep it. But it doesn't mean I should stop giving myself a chance, giving other people the chance, giving love a chance. And I shall. First thing first, get rid of the stupid notion. *smiles*

My Haters

For someone who had received good/positive/inspiring/motivating/pleasing comments all her life, being scorned at – subtly or directly – can be quite disheartening. And as much as I would like to not believe them, I realize that being mad at these disdaining remarks would only mean that I’m being immature and ignorant of negative opinions, what could also be helpful if used correctly. So I took it all in.

In just two weeks, I received hate messages from three people. Three people; that should mean something, right? Two of these three literally spelled it out that they’re disgusted at the thought of me. One of these three made it clear that he/she was so annoyed by my words and actions that he/she refused to ever see me again. Well actually, all three are completely opposed to the idea of meeting me at all. Funnily, this whole hate-messages thingy started after I sent them a message of peace-making. Yeap. How bizarre.

I’m the kind of person who couldn’t stand the thought of people not liking me. Who could, right? But I’ve always been the kind who wants to settle everything displeasing that ever happened between me and anybody. I’d confront these people, through any way possible; if it’s easier to speak out through words, then messages it is. But if things could be sorted out by meeting up, then chat over drinks it is.

So two weeks ago, I decided to settle things nicely with an old friend. I sent her a message via Facebook (thank God for social networking websites). No swearing, no foul words (except for one part, in giving an example), no negative comments… just a purely honest message of reminiscing a good past, which is followed by, “It would be great if we could at least look each other in the eyes and smile. That’s all.”

What I got for a reply, was utterly shocking. A whole message containing words of despise, pointing the blame back at me (an issue that I still don’t think is my fault at all), that ended with, “Do me a favor, stay the hell out of my life and our friends’, if you have any dignity left.” Funny. Coz the ‘friends’ he/she was referring to, are still happily chatting and exchanging friendly comments with me on a daily basis. Either they’re being hypocrites or he/she was completely lying on a baseless fact.

The second person, same thing. Well, not exactly. I sent a message asking for a proper explanation on an issue. Mind you, nicely, despite this person’s obvious mistakes when that issue was at place. And then there you go again, a reply full of hate and discontent towards me. I was once again, shocked.

There was only one reason why I was so surprised by the way these two reacted; they are much older than me, which leads me to think that by right, they should be much mature than me, right? They should know better how to handle issues at hand better than I do. I felt (and still do) like I was being the wiser one by not reacting in anger like they did.

Now, the third one. I wrote about him/her in my blog. Remember ‘shithead’ (which I am more than glad to retract by now)? I re-added him/her into my friends list, thinking that bygones should be bygones and I still somehow believe that he/she is a nice person and worth to at least have as an acquaintance. I chatted with him virtually and asked him/her for opinions on matters what could be personal, just to see if I could recapture that good side of chemistry we had before the failure of getting along with each other. That one went well, but yeah, really stale tho’. So I decided, it’s just probably not gonna work, at least not the way I expected it to be. So the communication/contact rate lessens.

I wasn’t even thinking about him/her anymore until a message came in two days ago, which led me to reminiscent of the past (the good parts , of course). And I thought, “I’m leaving in a couple of weeks time and might not be coming back. Why not see him/her before I leave, see if it might work out because the first two times sucked big time. Who knows, third time’s the charm they say, right?” He/she gave me the idea of meeting up first, which, coming to think about it now, might have been a joke I didn’t get. All in all, the message-replying scenario just turned ugly, and I ended up being scorned at.

You may think that Amy is probably just being ignorant of things that might have been her fault, that she's just pretending not to hear nor see the bad side of her that people see. I thought so too. But there is another thing about me; I don’t react in anger or hatred, outwardly expressed or not, before I make sure that I am on the right side of things. For all three Haters (yeah, that’s what I call them, not exactly applicable for the third one tho’. He/she doesn’t hate me, only annoyed – as he/she put it), I actually went around asking for opinions from people whose points of view can be trusted because they don’t always think I’m right, a.k.a., honest. And they said that it’s weird that I even asked them if I’m right to feel the way I felt about Them Haters, because the issues are mighty obvious, as in, it is easily detectable who’s the victim and the villain. So, either these people whose opinions I trust are lying, or… well, I’m right.

So what happened after them Haters (the first two, actually. The third one doesn’t affect me much) replied in such anger and hatred? Did I reply them angrily and in hate as well? *smiles* I’m proud of myself, really. I calmly answered all their angry questions, correctly with no exaggerations – with bits of sarcasm here and there - and offered a second chance of peace, to which they reacted by deleting me off their friends list completely (as if that’s gonna solve the problem). And I just left it at that. It’s not that I give up in trying to settle our issue. I’m gonna try again, maybe in later years when they’re mature enough to react to peace-making messages properly.

It's not like I'm saying that I don't have any negative attributes. I do. I don't always do things correctly or handle things peoperly. I fumble and fall every now and then, I make mistakes, I blurt out displeasing words, I don't always smile 24/7, I'm not always available for help, etc. I accept the way I am and do try and change what I'm capable of changing. All apologies to people who were ever negatively affected by the decisons I made, the steps I took, the words I said, I face I put on, the assistance I failed to offer, the love I failed to give. But I think we're all capable of these shortcomings, and we're all given a choice to understand or to ignore people's imperfections, to forgive or to dwell in anger.

To my Haters, I can only hope that you will find it in your hearts someday to get rid of the hatred, and all I want is for us to be able to at least look each other in the eyes and frame our faces with a heartfelt smile. That's all.

Cheers.

Just Forget About It?

Our PM today urged us to "Have faith in Najib, ignore Altantuya allegations." Read more here (if you have access to Malaysiakini, that is).

Okay, sure, I think I can do that. Not like I trust the source 100% anyway. But what about the issue regarding the submarines and Sukhoi jets purchase? That was huge. But then again, yea sure, I think I can get over that one too, not like I've seen the thorough records of the transactions and all. But there another thing; what about the 'Keris' issue dated way back in 1987? Okay, don't get me wrong I'm not trying to stir racial tensions here, just something to make you - those of you who think that Najib should be PM soon, or ever) - rethink your opinions. I mean, yea sure he can survive all the allegations shoved at him and he might make a good Defence Minister (I'm still not sure about him being Finance Minister though). But how is he gonna handle the more important task, which is to unite the people in this country? Owh, let's not get that ambitious. How is he even going to unite the people in HIS party? Look at UMNO itself, especially presently.

Oh... I can't even start to imagine what's our country gonna be like in the next couple of years.

Be Careful?

I receive this forwarded email in my inbox this morning:

"BE CAREFUL....

PLEASE READ and pass them on....

(1) Today i passed by a building which has an ATM machine. There was an old man looking at me and suddenly called me. He said he doesn't know how to read, so he gave me an ATM card and asked me to help him take money from the ATM machine. I answerd him 'NO!! If you need help, ask the security to help you.' Then he said 'nevermind..' and just continue to find other people to help him... REMEMBER : ATM machines have CCTV. If you help him, and later he says you have robbed him or stole his ATM card, or even his ATM card wasn't his too. So please be careful for these frauds.
(2) When the house electricity suddenly goes off, seeing from the windows that my neighbours still have lights, went out my house to check the Meter Box. But once i open the door, a knife was pointing at the door to stop me from closing it. And they robbed and injured us. REMEMBER : Eventhough your electricity suddely goes off, DO NOT open ur door immediately. Look around to see if there is anything unusual or sounds.
(3) This is another story. You think you had heard it before, but this is slightly different. Its about a girl, she saw a kid by the roadside crying. When she asked the kid, the kid said he was lost and wanted her to take him home. The kid even gave her a paper which he said it was his house address. So she took him home. But when she ring the bell on the door. She was shocked by pressing the door bell with high-voltage electric. Once she woke up, she was naked in an empty room. REMEMBER : Being such a compassion person might not be a good thing. Pass this on and girls, especially, please be careful..AND DON'T BE TOO GOOD!!
(4) One day, there was an old lady outside my house holding 2 packets of sweets. At first i thought she was our neighbour and wanted to give us these packs of sweets as a gift. But then when she talk, i can hear that she is a foreigner i guess, because i don't really understand what is she talking about. But i know that she is asking for money. And it just feels that there's something wrong. i immediately closed the door and ignored her.
(5) I was at the ATM machine to take my money. Behind me, there was an old lady asked me whether i'm able to take my money or not, because she said there's a button might be spoiled, and i don't know since when a small girl came beside me. The small girl was squeezing to my side but i didn't notice, i thought she was just naughty and playful. But then, the small girl put her hand at the hole of the ATM machine where the money comes out, ready to take my money. I felt something wrong and immediately push the small girl away. Then i thought, the small girl and the old lady cooperate together to take my money. The old lady distracted me so that the small girl can take my money away. REMEMBER: Be VERY CAREFUL when you are at an ATM machine and be aleart for anyone suspicious around you.
(6) My parents are retired and they stay at home. One afternoon, there was a young stranger said his motorcycle has no more petrol and the petrol station is too far, it's hard to push the motorcyclefor such a long distance, so he asked my parents for an empty coke bottle to buy petrol. He said he will pay 2, 3 bucks for it. So my mum took one coke bottle for him. He really did took out money from his pocket, but it was a RM 100 note, and even let my mum to find change for him.But luckily my mum was smart, she said just take and go. REMEMBER : obviously that note is fake!! Who would want to pay for a stupid empty coke bottle!! Its OBVIOUS to know that that starnger is a fraud!!
(7) this happened in Bali . A newly married couple were having their honeymoon at the hotel. When both are in the changing room, the wife suddenly gone missing. The husband was very anxious and went around to find her. He asked the hotel staffs to help him find her too. Then he thought his wife was just playing hide and seek or wat. So he went back and waited for his wife. After a few hours, he decided to call the police. 3 weeks has passed, there were no news about his missing wife. So he went back and his honeymoon just ended up like that. He was so dissapointed and has no mood to work and so he went to travel to other places. Few years later, he came back to Bali , to watch 'FREAK SHOW' in an old house. He saw a dirty and rusty metal cage, there was a lady without limbs, body including the face, full of scars. When she was distorted on the ground, she gives out a sound of a monster-like voice. when he saw her face, he was shocked. He could not recognise the face anymore, her missing wife's face has a red birthmark.
(8) this happened in shanghai. Few yeas ago, a girl reported to the police that her cousin sister was missing in the shopping complex. But after 5 years, one of her friend found her cousin sister begging beside one of the street in Bangkok , Thailand .. The worst thing is that her counsin sister has no more limbs and her body is tied to a lamp post with a Shackle (metal chain).
(9) Let's just shorten this story. DO NOT open your house door when you hear some sound of a BABY CRYING!! It might be a trap! Women in the house must be alert in these case. The police said it will be a murderer using a recorder with de baby crying sound to attract your attention. These normally happen at night and when you are only alone in the house. GIRLS, especially, plese be careful.
(10) i read an email that was sent by my friend. Her friend, who is known as A, went to Luo Hu Commercial City with 2 friends, B and C. Luo Hu Commercial City is Shenzhen counterfeit goods distribution center, there are many people there, its also near to the ShenZhen train station and Hong Kong's Luo Hu Port. Its says, C wants to go to the toilet. So A and B waited outside. But then after they waited for so long, they felt weird and went into the toilet to ask her to hurry up. But once they went in, there were nobody inside there. Both were scared as they called C's phone but no one answered. So they called the police. The police asked them whether they had saw anyboby suspicious went into the toilet. Both said there were none and its impossible to bring an alive person with more then 100 kg out of the toilet without them noticing. Then A remember there was a cleaner pushing a trolley in, and then came back out...the police told them this is not the 1st time happening. The police has already suspect a gang of criminals that always attacks the toilet in a complex where many people are. They use cleaners to kidnap or trafficking in human organs. REMEMBER : please be careful when using the toilet. For anybody, not only girls, boys too!! Do not go to the wash room or toilet ALONE!! Please at least have a partner with you.

PLEASE PASS ON THIS MAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS!!""

You see, most of these stated situations are ones that would have us (with the less prejudiced minds) react in aid of these people. But then again, who's safe to help, and what's right to do? I just find it sad how even helping becomes questionable these days. Sigh.

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if smiles pass off as easily as glances do?
Wouldn't it be nice if fuels can be substituted with water?
Wouldn't it be nice if people can teleport?
Wouldn't it be nice if insults sound like compliments?
Wouldn't it be nice if worrying is like dancing?
Wouldn't it be nice if people do not berate people?
Wouldn't it be nice if there are more people like Atticus Finch in this world? Or Mother Theresa? Or Mohandas Gandhi?
Wouldn't it be nice if everybody is able to see beyond the skin color, belief, background of people before judging?
Wouldn't it be nice if people don't judge at all?
Wouldn't it be nice if politicians do not philander?
Wouldn't it be nice if prices are reasonable?
Wouldn't it be nice if the word WAR couldn't possibly be an adverb, or better still, not be a vocabulary at all?
Wouldn't be nice if Adolf Hitler had found a better way of solving his issues with the Jews?
Wouldn't it be nice if people appreciate what they have more than complaining not having more?
Wouldn't it be nice if it only takes a second for people to realize the consequences of their actions?
Wouldn't it be nice if Josef Mengele had different methods for his medical experiments?
Wouldn't it be nice if people can look past their ego before taking revenge?
Wouldn't it be nice if everyone is able to see the awesome beauty of variety of nations, races, religions, beliefs, attitudes, characters, interests, etc.?
Wouldn't it be nice if anger doesn't exist?
Wouldn't it be nice if people doesn't know how to kill?
Wouldn't it be nice if people treat other people like how they expected to be treated?
Wouldn't it be nice if people are more grateful of the rain rather than complain?
Wouldn't it be nice if people really listen and ponder upon the lyrics to the song "Where Is The Love?" by Black Eyed Peas, as Hip Hop as it may be?
Wouldn't it be nice if there are 1billion Erin Gruwells spreaded across the globe?
Wouldn't it be nice if people really know what love is and love all people as much as they love thmeselves?
Wouldn't it be nice if everything I've written here is possible?
But really, wouldn't it be nice if genuine smiles pass off as easily as glances do?
Wouldn't that be great...

Courage the Cowardy Sent Hero to Kamunting

"Syed Hamid berkata penahanan Raja Petra itu berasaskan kepada penulisannya yang mempunyai unsur menghina dan boleh membangkitkan kemarahan umat Islam." - BERNAMA.
Read more here.

Raja Petra is a Muslim. And he had in numerous ways admitted that he is, explained thoroughly why he thinks that the majority of the Malaysian Muslims are not applying it the way it should be applied - NOTE that he did not in any way insulted or offended the religion. The way I see it he was just criticising how the religion is being practiced by most Malaysians. I'm a Catholic who have three-years of Islamic education experience - though vaguely remembered - and tonnes of Muslim friends who agree with this guy (Raja Petra), so I know that he couldn't be wrong in convicting his opinions. So tell me, in what way are the Muslims enraged by his posts, and if so, were my three years of Islamic education distorted in any way, or are my faithfully practising Muslim friends wrong in having the same opinion like Raja Petra?

And if the answer to all these questions are "NO", is it safe for me to say that the Government are just acting like insecure babies?

Change

Change. A word, more often than not, repeated in the mouths of many since the past few decades, but more prominently so since the past few months. Is it happening? The current ruling party lost its 2/3 majority for the first time last March. Five states of this nation, who had in majority voted for the Opoosition, make up a lot of people. It is a way of saying, "No more." I would say, it is starting.

The Opposition may or may not fail to do what they promised they would fulfill when/if they managed to take over the governance of this country. By the time that (take-over) happens, they'll probably be fighting amongst themselves - with the predominantly Chinese DAP in it, Islamic State-visioned PAS in it, and the Keadilan in it. We can't deny the possibility that what's happening amongst the BN coalition (pissed Gerakan and MCA peeps) can happen to the Opposition. But hey, let's accept the fact that the current situation in our government is already screwed anyway, and what we really need right now, is CHANGE. Any change now would do, probably even if it means passing on the governance to people whose ability to bring about a positive change we doubt. But any change would do. Long as we do something about it. If they (the Opposition) said they can change this country, then give them that chance. How else would we know and then learn to trust a person's driving skills without even giving them the chance to put their hands on the steering wheel?

A friend I was having a drink with asked me, "What exactly do we need to change?" after telling me how he's sick of people - bloggers, in particular - who just can't stop complaining and firing up opinions of their readers to chastise the government along with them. He said, "You've never been to Indonesia or India before and try living there. You don't really take into consideration how aweful it is there. Ugly politics? Check. Corruption? Check. Blood-spilling riots? Check. Checked all these and they are way worse than what our people keep complaining about here. Why don't we just be thankful for what we have? What's there to change?"

He has a point. He is right about being thankful how things are not as bad as the condition of other war-tormented countries. But friend, this isn't about only complaining. This isn't about how ungrateful we are for the country we were born in and live in. This is about loving this country too much to let it be run the way it is being run. This is about loving this country too much to let the same old takes place year by year yet things get worse. This is about loving this country too much to just sit on the problems that are occuring in her economy, education, racial relations, crimes, etc. This is about taking a stand to change, deciding to do something for our country, because she is obviously not well.

The Opposition is blaming the Government for being racists. The Government is blaming the Opposition for being power-obssesed. The Chinese are blaming the Malays for being chauvinistic. The Malays are blaming the Indians for increase of criminal rates. The Borneans are blaming the West Malaysians for being biased. And so on. For the racial tension that is going on in our country, I'd like to just blame our forefathers for not being able to handle what was possibly easily curbed simply by not demanding too much for their own respective race's gain. But now is not the time for blaming. I don't see why if truly, the Government is doing what they're doing for the sake of the Rakyat, the people of this country, can't hear people out instead of detaining them when they bring up the issues that are essential to be discussed. And if truly they are about bringing about betterment for this country, why can't they just accept and discuss the opinions of the Opposition TOGETHER, instead of lashing out at them and create war in the media, defending themselves and boast about what they have done for the people? If truly, they are about this country... Why not?

Will things be better if the Opposition takes over governance? Maybe yes, maybe no. Whatever it is, we can't keep doing things the way we've been doing it for the past decades. Like what Barrack Obama said, "We need a president who can face the threats of the future, not keep grasping at the ideas of the past.” What makes me think that the Government should step down and let others take control? Present was future in the past. And in the past they had said they would change the country to be better for the greater good. But as present is now here, we see that things are only worsening. If they love this country, and the Rakyat, they would be less selfish and see that there must be something wrong in the way they're doing things, and give other people - who claim that they can do something about it - a chance.

And as for us the people, to go about organizing nationwide campaigns might sound too big and not achievable, or even ridiculous to some. The least we can do is not make things worse by being racists or biased in any whatsoever way. I have a dream that one day we will live in a world where everyone live about without being judgmental, regardless of race, of religion, of sexual orientation, of attires, of habits, of anything tangible, where everyone is selfless. Because somehow I believe that indirectly, these little things that rarely cross our worried mind are the ones that cause the bigger things. Microscopic-sized bacterias can take on your life. That's why for things to change, we need to change first, at least change in the way we treat each other.

Being a democratic country, who rules the nation is for us the people to decide. If we can change the way we see things, change the way we assume a person's character, change the way we judge others, and come as one under one name, Malaysia, we can change the country. Martin Luther said this, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," and I share this dream. If we can grasp this and put it to practice, I believe that this country would be a better place. Betterment is not impossible. Change is not impossible.

Sept 16 (yea, the Government-Toppling thing)

It's 6.50pm of September 16, 2008. No news. Nothing. Niente. Nada. Aiso. Wala.
I didn't expect anything to happen really. And just because none of the government MPs jump ship, it doesn't necessarily mean that all the 9-16 furore was in vain and for nothing. Look at the bright side; didn't the opposition got the government to tremble a bit? And, as a result of that, Sabah and Sarawak are suddenly getting all of the attention, scared that the wooing of the opposition would convince them to jump ship. Fascinating.
If there's anything that went wrong in all this commotion, it's only the accuracy of the chronology. Anwar shouldn't have named a date. But hey, for all you know, something is already happening. We'll see.

Yours Truly.

Initially, i started blogging with the objective of updating friends and family on my life. and that's obviously something that I hadn't done in such a long time. So here we go:

• Kinki my ten-year-old dog died two days ago. I took it hard because all family members are always present to bury any of our dogs that passes away, yet Iris and I couldn't be there for the dog that we took care of the longest. And it's just sad to think how she's not gonna be there to welcome us the next time we fly home. Sigh... All dogs go to heaven they say. If that's the case, then she is in a much better place now. Rest in peace, buddy. Thank you for making our lives whole.
• I'm in my final semester, and currently doing my internship in a PR firm. It's been two months now and I'm not the least interested in making PR as the field I'm going into upon graduation. I'm still not convinced that I would wanna do PR. Don't get me wrong. The place is great. (Some of) the people are nice too. But it's just the job. Observing the asscociates and consultants do what they do everyday makes me question myself on whether I'd able to stand such daily tasks for long, to which the answer is 'No'. I hardly have the passion for it.
• I've made up my mind to take up the offer in Bintulu once I'm done with internship. The thought of it is exciting and scary all at the same time. I've asked a number of people about it and taking all of them into consideration, plus a huge deal of my own desires and intuition, I said yes. Bintulu, I'm coming.
• I haven't make up my mind on what exactly do I want to do and where do I want to be(after the whole Bintulu excitement is over) - whether or not I should work in KL or find a job in KK. I'd want to work here and the experience I need before settling in KK years later. But on the other hand, I don't want Samantha my baby sister to grow up not knowing her sister. As much as people think that I want to go back there and work because Sam needs me, I think that it's more because I need her instead. I miss her too much to be far away from her any longer. Three years is more than enough.
• I need to work out, it's been long since I last sweat out. Apart from growing thighs and double chin, it's also because I need to get rid of the toxins caused by continous consumption of unhealthy foods (and drinks) and nicotines.
• For friends and family who just can't stop asking, "So who's your boyfriend now?" I'm still single and not looking. I just don't think that anyone is capable enough to handle me and my zest for life (yea, I only realized that after so/too many relationships). I have to admit tho, that at times I do miss being someone's someone - the joy that comes with it, and the thrill of feeling the kind of pain that only a guy you're fond of can give you. Sigh... But I'm not complaining.
• Besides the kind that God can give and the kind that my mother had loyally showered me with in my 23 years of living, I still don't believe in the big 'L' word. I hate how people these days use them way too often to explain how they feel about a person, throwing the word around without even considering how heavy the word is.
• The world is getting too dangerous. It's such a scary thing to watch news these days. Wars, murders, riots, animal cruelty, decreasing natural resources, messed up governments, increasing racial polarization, social illnesses, the list goes on... What's even more scary is how it seems impossible to do anything about it.
• When it comes to God, I still have a lot to say about Him, I still have the passion for Him. But if there's anything that I'm doing different these days compared to how I was doing when I was still in the firm grip with the help of being in a ministry, it's LISTENING. To really listen. I could barely do so today. I miss the fire. I miss the high appreciation of salvation and what I used to do with it. I miss serving Him in the ministry... I miss being close to Him. But all in all, I'm always convinced that He's always around and that this feeling of estrangement won't be for long.

For all I know, the final point of this whole update is the determining factor for all the rest, which means that I need to get that part straight in order for everything else to fit in the puzzle.

Sept 16 (Nothing to Do With Anwar's Plans to Topple the Government)

"Kamu orang dari mana datang?" asked a middle-aged Chinese aunty we met while shopping the other day. When we told her where we come from, she replied with a nice-mannered way of she "could tell by our looks." What came out next was either hillarious or offensive, depending on the decoder of the message. "Ramai orang Sabah and Sarawak datang Malaysia kerja." We laughed...

Ya we found it funny, until it finally came to my mind how offensive that was, I screamed, "What??!!!" at her and swore my way out of the shop. Ha ha. Kidding.

It's funny (or maybe sad) how some people still think that Sabah and Sarawak are separate entities and it makes me wonder why. Part of it could probably be the blame of the Borneans themselves (some of us can be quite defensive or take pride in telling how we're not from 'here'). It's an attitude that really needs to be altered. But on the other hand, it couldn't be our fault that we're classified as 'the others' by the government, right? While all the other races are given their respective proper race classifications, we're enlisted as 'Lain-lain' (okay, okay, I know I've been going on and on about this, but hear me out). I understand that there are just too many ethnicities to list out in forms and such - hundreds. But we would appreciate it if we could tick 'Bumiputra' when filling out forms. This, and a number of other things as well, could have been the cause of Borneans sometimes being too defensive about our ethnicity. I reiterate, we should have only one race classification; Malaysia. It would be nice to stop hearing people say "Chinese," "Indian," "Malay," "Kadazan," "Iban," when they're asked "Orang apa?", or better still, not to hear people - Malaysians in particular - asking the question at all.

And speaking of that, I remember Klahid Ibrahim's proposal on making Sept 16 a nationwide public holiday. Back in KK we're used to having that priviledge. Sept 16 is always a holiday for us and we would celebrate it by attending the parade at Padang Merdeka downtown (di KK ah, bukan di KL), very much like celebrating the usual Merdeka Day. It's kind of weird not having that 'here' (again, it feels like referring to a foreign place).

It's not that I'm making up excuses for more of public holidays, but shouldn't we acknowledge the day Malaysia was formed? Doesn't it mean as much to welcome new members, which completes an entity, as it is to form one? Just a thought. (NOTE: I'm not complaining. It's just something that I thought of and want to share *smiles*).

I'm sure there are a lot of things that can be done to counter this problem, this whole racial polarization (and I don't think ISA is part of it). Just sitting on it and prohibitting people from talking about it are definitely not solutions. I've always believed that education can do so much to a person. And I mean, informative education instead of persuasive ones. One of the reasons why I became so aware and critical of issues like these was BTN, and very chauvinistic talks we were made compulsory to attend during my three-years of uni life. For a start, why don't we drop that from the course, kan? That would be nice. And probably things won't get as tight as they are today if things like BTN, TITAS and CTU don't exist. Why do they anyway? Oh well. I don't get to call the shots.

More later. Ciao.

"I Swear..."

It seems like crimes and wrongdoings these days can be easily 'cleansed' and justified just by taking oaths. First, the allegedly sodomized pretty boy. Then, the whole government crew asking Anwar to 'prove' his innocence by doing the same. And then, in the latest oath-taking trend updates, Najib did so too, 'proving' his innocence over the dead Mongolian's murder.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You want to take oaths or cleanse your sins (as Najib would have it) in the Islamic way, go ahead. But why make a big fuss out of it? Why push people to do it? Because I think that when it comes to religion, willingness matters, meaning that you shouldn't challenge people to do it, nor dare them. Judging by the reports by the media these past couple of weeks, taking oaths have been made to sound like it's a sure thing that proves truth or justice. Does that mean that anyone who takes oaths by books deemed holy by believers are off the legal hook? That just because you SAY and 'admit' that you did not do something, means that you truly did not do it?

“Anwar says he cannot trust the police, courts and doctors. Don’t tell me even in Allah he does not trust?” he (Najib) told reporters while visiting Taman Sembilang in Seberang Jaya yesterday.

May I offer you my two cents on this? Err... Anwar did take the oath ten years back when he was first accused of the same case, sodomy (duh). But he ended up being sent to jail anyway, for six years (poor guy). So, I think it's not the case of whether or not he believes in Allah. I think it's the case of having have to do things and settle matters your way, dear Government.

Never before has a by-election been so heavily publicized, or being paid so much attention to. But I guess this one's a completely different one, as we're facing the possibility of having a sodomiser as a Prime Minister. Yes, the current ruling power is so worried that the Rakyat of Malaysia will be ruled by a gay fellow that they're doing all they can to gain the people's trust, including decreasing the fuel price by 15 cents (correct me if I'm wrong), two days prior to by-election polling day, when they could have done so weeks ago when the world crude oil price dropped (yea, it didn't just dropped days ago). Wow, how thoughtful.

By reading my posts, readers might have the notion that I'm anti-government and pro-Anwar, or a die-hard supporter of the opposition. News, I'm neither. I, like many others I bet, am just wishing for a change. I never said that the opposition will make good or better leaders than the shitheads we already have now. They (Anwar and his crew) will definitely bring changes should they win this. But for better or worse, God knows which. But for better or worse, it's gonna be a change, and that is all I'm looking forward to. Our Malaysia is already a mess anyway. Any change (good or bad) is better than sitting there taking all the shit the so-called leaders are giving us.

Even the media are getting to obviously biased. I don't know if it's just me or they are publishing/broadcasting all that is good about the government and criticising Anwar to his guts. Bikin sakit hati bah kalau tinguk brita skarang. Silaka. So you see, that is why sometimes I'd rather not pay attention to the media, coz they're just as screwed up as the government anyway.

It's five days to Merdeka Day, but who's talking about it? Comparing last two year's celebration with that of this year's, it doesn't feel as liberating as the former's. At least I think so. Lesser people bother about waving the Jalur Gemilang this year, or even giving a damn about it at all. What does that say?

Looking forward to August 31st had turned stale since couple of years back (yea, being a non-Muslim and a Sabahan, I have a lot to complain about). But this year, it's even worse. I'm only looking forward to it because of the holiday we'll be having on Monday (screammmmmmmmmm!!!). But i guess that all depend on tomorrow's result. Let's see what happens after tomorrow (I honestly can't wait). But in the meantime, I'll just pay attention to the EPL. Coincidently, Liverpool is playing against The Villains on the 31st of August. Yeap, I'm looking forward to that.

What If?

This might sound cliche or even bromidic, but how often do we take the time to stop and think about 'what ifs'? A very close friend of mine who used to be my housemate called me today. When he told me of the news, I replied with the cliched "It's gonna be okay." But what's more than my platitude reply is that, it made me think about how all the while when people mention cancer, I (and I'm sure many others) would seem to think, "It could and would happen to anyone but me."

Most people seem to be in denial of death, in a sense that we live everyday as if tomorrows are infinite. As much as a 'now-and-here' kind of person as I am, I never actually really appreciate life and the people in it that much. I love taking (calculated) risks, but I never really think that there might not be another day for me or the people around me.

*Touchwoods* What if my mom or any one of my family members for that matter, is to be admitted to the hospital tonight and the doctor diagnosed her illness as cancer? What if I am to receive a phonecall from my mom or dad saying that my brother is seriously injured after a terrible road accident? What if my bestfriend is to call me up and tell me that she had just came back from the hospital and that the doctor told her she is at the final stage of a terminal disease? what if I don't receive any calls or updates from one of my closest of friends for ages and only find out now that she had died of an accident or an illness two years back? What if I am to step out of the bus today and a wreckless driver run me over and end my life? What if? What if...?

The one thing that I'm really scared of, is losing people I love, or even had meant something to me at any point of my life, without them knowing how I really feel about them. But more often than not, we let ego decide whether or not we should tell the people we care about, that we care. Somehow we always think that, there's always "there and later"; that maybe "I'll do it some other time, when the time is right." But how do we know WHEN is the right time?

Whenever I feel like telling my estranged father that I somehow care about him and want him to do the same, that I want life to be better for him, that despite all the painful years we'd gone through, I still love him all the same, my mind stops and tempt me to decide not to, thinking, "Nah... He'll only brush it off, too manly to be mushy. I'll tell him all that when he's really old later in life," as if he's gonna be around forever...

We humans are too concerned about what other people would think; how would they react, how would they presume me to be, etc. For what it's worth, it is probably not even close to our vain presumptions. I'd like to end this post by encouraging people to let those around you know what they mean to you. But it's obviously easier said than done.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call up my friend, and tell him that yes, everything is not okay. But today is still HERE. Now is still PRESENT. We still can make the best out of it. While we can't deny the possibility of losing the person we love, it is more important to let them know that our lives had been wonderful with their presence, as little significance as they think it might have been. Since we already know that lives are ending, we might as well live it to the fullest, rather than sit and wallow in sorrow, and regret things later.

And then maybe, hopefully, when I'm done talking to my friend, and realize how much life means to us, him, me, I'd dial my father's number... Hopefully.

On the Herald Issue

I love the Catholic Lawyers' Society of KL folks.

Here's what they have to say about the silly issue that shouldn't even be an issue. Read here.

There are things about Christianity that he (the Home Minister) obviously does not (neither wishes to) understand; that it is universal. Translation; it involves every aspect of life, even the littlest ones. And this is about our government, about the future of our leaders. Is it wrong to update other fellow Christians about what's happening and at the same time ask them to pray for a fair election? Which part of the constitution says that?

Yeap, another one of those religious casualties. Yawn.

I Love It This Way

I can't remember what personality test that was, but here's what it had to say about me:

"Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural lead, who's quick to make decisions - though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once, someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

"You are more of a rebellious person that really doesn't follow anyone. You are kind of mixed up and all over the place, but you love it that way. You are that kind of easy breezy person, you believe in letting things go, life is too short. You love to just have fun and be the life of the party. You always make a big entrance. You also believe rules are definitely meant to be broken."

Friends, please do tell me if any part of that statement is wrongfully put. I don't know about the rest of it but I agree with the ones that i've put in bold, italic, and in larger font size.

I especially like the part, "...kind of mixed up and all over the place." I am. I gotta admit that. But I'm fine that way. I've live 23 years of my life like that, and it never got me into trouble. A few good friends had good-willingly pointed that out, and I accept it willingly because that's how I am and I never killed anyone or destroyed anybody's life by being like that. That is why I never bothered feeling guilty or bad about it. Until very recently...

That person - whose name or gender I won't disclose, so let's just call that person shithead and refer to him/her as 'it' - made it very clear that 'it' was freakin pissed because I didn't have a PLAN. 'It' described my unplanned method of going home as being DISCORTEOUS. I was taken aback, because out of all the many friends and acquaintances I have, not one of them ever, EVER described me as being such. Well, they're either never completely honest with me, or 'it' was just (and still is) a big asshole. Or 'it' was just totally right; I'm a mess.

Okay, I am a mess. I'm all over the place. My clothes are never really folded and placed properly; my books are all over the place; my stuff are all over the house; my bag are full of things i don't really need to carry around all the time; my timing is really bad; I decide to do too many things at a time and end up not completing any of them; and the list goes on...

But what gives shithead the right to criticize me like 'it' did? What gives 'it' the right to be so hard on me because of something that makes me, me? I just don't get it. But the weirdest part is, I don't get why am I so pissed. So farkin pissed.

I guess it's partly because no one ever say that about me. In fact, no one was ever pissed because of my character. EVER. But most of all, it's because I know shithead was right. And 'it' made me realize that not everbody can tolerate my disorganized, indecisive attitude. I know 'it' is right. But as long as no lives are at cost because of my character, I don't think I'd ever change. Ha ha ha.

Please don't think of me as being stubborn or hard-headed. But I am who I am and it had helped me digged through the lows. Life is not always sunny, and for the rainy days, you'll need someone who can dance through it. If I am to be a decisive, future-oriented, organized person, I wouldn't have been where nor how I am today. Well, I might be in better shoes but hey, I doubt I'd be any happier.

Every single person has different characteristics. Every one has different ways of approaching life. And I am the kind of person who prefers living life happily, with no worries; whatever happens, happens - which most of the time leads to last minute decisions. That's why I don't have plans, because people get upset when things don't go according to planned. Let the kind of people who likes making plans, make the plan. And let no-plan people like me cheer you up when the plans don't work. And shithead, can't you just enjoy the colorful characteristics of people? Wouldn't it be a boring world if everyone is like you?

Insecure Imbeciles

How utterly embarrassed and disappointed I felt when I saw the photo of 5,000 UiTM students marching to protest the 10% opening of student quota to non-bumiputras. I've heard on Sunday that there was going to be a protest, but didn't actually thought that they would stupidly do it.
What an imbecilic, insecure, racist bunch of people.

Here's what I came across in the paper today, the idiocy of the students (click on it to read the details from the source):

UiTM student body president Luqmannulhakim Mohamad Idris said the students wanted Khalid to retract the statement and apologise.
“We (the students) are very disturbed by the statement and we have planned our strategy on what to do if the Mentri Besar does not apologise and retract the statement,” he said.

Yeap, they're asking a menteri besar to apologize for a suggestion. First of all, it's a SUGGESTION, something that's yet to be implemented, or agreed upon. Imagine these people panicked just listening to a suggestion and quickly organized a completely unnecessary march which they must have thought of as heroic for acting in defense of their overrated, overly professed rights.

Another racist political figure added up to the fire by pintpointing that the MB who proposed the idea did so to fish for votes from the non-bumiputras, I guess an act done to make the opposition party to look like the big-bad wolf who's gonna snatch the main race off their spoon-fed rights.
"Melayu jual Melayu," he said.

PPIM (some consumer association) said the move would be seen as challenging the special rights of the Malays (read more here). They added that, there was "no need to sideline Malay special rights," despite the fact that Malaysia is a multiracial country. And Ms Whatever-your-name-is, what makes you think that others can be rightfully - not only sidelined, but deprived of their rights?

I've talked about this with fellow Malay friends of mine who uninamously thought that the idea is ridiculous. A bunch of university students who are supposedly educated and expected to be wise enough to not make such nonsensical decision in an absurd way (I'm pretty sure the Vice Chansellor and his peeps know how to handle it without the protest), making fools out of themselves.

The MB proposed it as he thinks that having non-bumiputras - who are known to be competitive and smart - in UiTM will actually encourage the bumiputras to be more, well, competitive, in order to produce more students of higher quality. The protestors rebutted by saying that UiTM had been producing excellent scholarsand also had many graduates who were able to compete with other races in the job market. Forget about the idiot who's making the web more complicated by linking it to politics and shit.

Now, if that is the case, if it is a known fact that UiTM had produced students of excellent quality, then why make a big fuss out of a proposal? Why panic? What else would would have made them reacted so sillily if not because of feeling intimidated by the other races?

I know that UiTM existed on the basis of enabling the bumiputras to be on par with the other races in terms of education achievements and thus, in career achievements. But do you actually think that spoon-feeding them with special rights shit will make them genuinely brilliant or excellent? I should be mindful of what I say, as I am one of those who are 'spoon-fed' by the government. But what the point of success at the expense of fairness and unbiased treatments?

I bet a lot of non-bumiputras out there who deserve to be in UiTM or any other public university for that matter. They might even deserve it more than some bumiputras who are simply taking such chances for granted. But I guess some races just need all the help in the world to make something out of their lives. Geez.

Why Selfish?

It's common sense that any issue, problem, or crisis, can be best resolved by discussing it, talk about it, find out what's the root of it all, what can be done, etc. But apparently, a majority of dumbass Malaysians (excuse the language. I wanted to use the word 'stupid', but it's too nice) prefer to just sit on it with no questions asked.

No? Really? So tell me, why was it that a number of about 400 people gathered at the headquarters of the Bar Council while they were having a forum? Sadly, the police, our ministers, even our Prime Minister and his Deputy, as well as our Education Minister, openly displayed their stupidity and dumbness by asking the Bar Council to not proceed with the forum. And when the Bar Council went on with it anyway and got protested against, the so-called respected, all-for-unity and harmony, just and fair top leaders called them stubborn, and speaks as if saying, "I told you so." Actually, that's what they said, only, it was in Malay language.

I hate to use the word stupid or dumbass when describing our leaders and a majority of our rakyat, but here's the thing; The forum was about discussing - DISCUSSING - the jurisdiction of the Syariah Court/Law and Civil Court/Law, which obviously got a lot of people, especially the non-Muslims, confused. Many are dissatisfied about it and so, they found a way to resolve it peacefully, professionally, and dare I say fairly, coz there were representatives from all possible sides to offer opinons and answer questions. Three-hours before the scheduled closure, some major idiots came with banners and sepanduks saying, "Jangan mencabar Islam." Right...

Now, let me get this straight; discussing rights and jurisdiction, and mencabar... Hmm... Can someone show me the clear relevance to that?

Worse, our beloved Prime Minister came out with a statement that encourages us not to discuss 'sensitive' matters like religion and race. So in a way, he is saying that if we are being robbed off our rights, we should just shut up and live with it even if they rub it all on our face. Kudos, Datuk.
I have friends who are Malays and Muslims as well, and we have no problem hanging out together. We talk about religion and race openly, with no major arguments that could lead us to hate each other and what we're made of. And of course, obviously, these people I know personally are nothing like those idiots up there. I put the blame fully on them coz instead of trying to resolve racial tensions in the country, they are actually firing it up and encouraging us to sit on problems that could be easily solved if only people try to understand. Unbelievable. I'm utterly disgusted with the government, as well as the oppositions (PKR, PAS) who were actually leading the protest.

I know very well that Islam is a religion of peace and love and tolerance and justice, because i studied it for three years. But if this is how the people of Malaysia (you know who you are) depicts it, I don't think I would favor people of that belief or race anymore. Would it be too much to ask for you people to just try to understand other religions and race, like how we've understood your religion for decades?

A Walk To Remember

The monorail opened and in came a blind man, no more than 25 years old. There were plenty of empty seats in there but no one seemed to bother to direct him. I think the worst person in there was me, because I see all this happening yet chose to join in indifference.

It was the second last station so I guess everybody in there thought that, "It's only one station left. He could hold that short a period." And no, I'm not trying to justify our ignorance.

I'm the kind of person who believes that everyday, every moment is a test, that life is a series of chances; chances to make decisions and to grow. That day, the entire time I was in that train watching that man without sight, lots of things went through my indecisive mind. I wanted so bad to stand up and help him. But I stupidly let exhaustion draw me down. The ride was only about 3 minutes, but I felt an immeasurable guilt for not being able to put other people's needs ahead of mine. "Selfish," I said to myself.

But I guess I was given a second chance, for when the monorail opened to unload the passengers, I was nearest to him and my hands were used to catch him before he accidentally stepped into the rail. And i heard him said the most grateful "Thank You" I've ever heard from anyone.

"Where are you heading?"

"I'm going to KL Central."

Folding his rod, I took his hands and said, "Come, I'll take you there."

"But won't you be late?" he asked.

At that time I was just amazed... at how someone like him, lacking one sense than me, a sense that if I do not have would have killed me as a person and make me bitter, would actually thought of whether or not I might be late for my destination. It's not much, but just the thought of him having the time to stop and thought of people's needs - no matter how small it is - awes me.

And we began a conversation. We walked passed the traffic, people, eyes... and talked about so many things. Albert likes to read. He lives with his brother and father. His mother left when they were small. He's a Christian. He used to have sight but lost it in an accident. That day, he fasted, due to religious matters. He was heading for the Maybank office at KL Central.

Among all that we talked about, there was one sentence that touched me, a sentence that I've heard many times before, but never really listened to what it really means.

"So you're used to walking around on your own?"

"Yes, I used to need guidance a lot. But now I'm fine on my own."

"Well, that means you have very good senses."
"I use whatever God has given me. I thank Him for letting me have all the other senses."

I smiled. Indicating how true his words were, while hiding the guilt and shame i felt within myself for never appreciating what I have. Albert is blind. He cannot see. I use my eyes every single day, in everything that I do. I can't imagine what I would do without it. I know I would be very, very angry if God would ever take them away from me. But this man I'm holding, thanked God instead...

Many times in our life we take for granted the things that we have, things that we were born with, things that we were born into, things that makes up our life, thinking that these things would always be around, like we'd never run out of it. How often do we stop to think and appreciate TODAY? It couldn't be by chance that we're given another day to live.

We reached the bank and I left him there. "Thank you so very much... for taking me here but especially for talking to me," he said.

No, Albert. Thank YOU. If only you know what huge deed you've done for me. I might have helped you see your way through to KL Central. But you've helped me to really SEE, my way through life.

The walk didn't even take us more than 15 minutes. But the effect was profound. The whole incident might not be a big deal to most people, but it was to me. For that day, I met an angel in disguise...

About Life and Sunscreen

• "Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."
• Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
• Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
• Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

This is part of Baz Lurhmann's piece, Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen). It's a song actually but I don't know if that's what you call it coz he literally just talked throughout the entire composition. But ya, that aside, I LOVE this song; advices dispensed in a humorous way yet makes a lot of sense.

The four pintpointed ones are my favorite pieces of advice. Well actually the whole set of it is. In many ways, he's just saying that we should dispose of all the bad parts of life (or at least take them as lessons), and enjoy the good parts of it. Every cloud has a silver lining. And as cliche as that sounds, trust me, it's true. I'm not old enough to give that kind of advice and maybe you'll feel like slapping my face saying, "No it's not okay, you don't understand how hard this is." But yea, I've been through some tough shit as well. No, I'm not talking about been-dumped-by-my-boyfriend kind of shit. There's seriously more to life than that. So girls, when this kind of shit happens to you, please don't bother posting about it on Friendster bulletins or Facebook shout-outs; there are people losing their loved ones through deaths.

And that there are many things in life - especially the small ones that we tend to overlook - are the ones that actually define who we are. Do not take ANY thing for granted. All of it - bits and pieces - matter.

*smiles* Just something I had to share.

Cheers!

p/s: I agree with Lurhmann, right-on! But not in the most important part of it tho', sunscreen.

Love Defined

I stood amidst thousands of young people, most of whom are university and college students. Initially I had no idea how big this thing was going to be. Even upon seeing the great number of diversified people, i was still clueless of what a big deal this event was. I thought to myself, these are just spiritual-freak bunch of people who has nothing to do on Sundays. And i actually almost gave that up for a movie instead. Yes, that was how ignorant i was.

But i guess, God, as always, calls when He has to. I've always been amazed of how He does things without me realizing it. He is always working totally when I least expect it. Always. And indeed, He did it again last Sunday.

I came with complete ignorance and least expectations of anything was to happen to me or have the way I see things altered. It's not like it's the first I've ever attended such event. But I should have known God better, I mean the way He does things; unexpectedly.

The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony's intro was played, and I honestly thought it was being played as an audio, coz it was damn good. And then there came the spotlight shining on the keyboardist. Gradually, the drums. I was just awed, the music and sound systems were seriously good. For a moment there, i forgot that God should be the centre of it all.

But God knows better. As the night proceeded, He managed to draw my attention to Him and man was I awed beyond description. He reminded me again and again just how much He loves the screw-ups. That His love is ever unfailing. That nothing that I've done could ever make Him close the door. The best part is that, I wasn't even looking for assurance for anything, but He just had to tell me didn't He... My Savior, the only one who could ever take my breath away...

"You are already chosen by Him... You can fall thousands of times, but don't fret, He's already there picking you up..."

I've heard the same phrase over and over again, and it's still the greatest music to my ear to this very day. Everytime i hear it, I'm reminded of how God picked me up from the shit i got myself into years back; all that mess in my life; all the games i played and ended up getting lost; I still can't make out why He chose me out of all the people He could easily work on. I'm two hands full. I'm a difficult set of jigsaw puzzle. Even after He showed me that salvation is possible for people like me, I keep falling. Picked up and fall again. Saved and went astray again. Washed clean and played in the mudd again. And My God, does He ever give up...

At times, I get tired of the games I'm playing. But trust me, it's even more tiring trying to escape from Him. I was so tired that I even told Him, "God, enough. You don't need me, I'd be fine on my own. Go and find someone else to work on. Not me, I'm tired. I gave up on You."

Did He stop? No. Not even a second. And then through a good friend of mine, He told me this, "Maybe it's not so much about you giving up on Him... Don't you ever think that maybe He is the One who refuses to give up on you?"

My Savior, Author of salvation, He is mighty to save...

Since attending the conference and rejuvenated, I keep asking myself and asking God, what is it that I need to do? I know I must start doing something but I just don't know what. I guess my idea of deed was too huge, like an impatient girl trying to change the world overnight. So this morning, still the same questions bugging my mind, "what is it that I have to do? What is it that I'm doing wrong?" out of the blue, a friend of mine, whom would least care or even thought about God nor spiritual things, texted me, "God is far more interested in what you are than in what you do."

*smiles*

There are questions that Google can't answer. And for that kind of questions, you know who I turn to. He doesn't even care what I'm made of, where I came from, what I've done, how long i'll take to make my way to Him or if i keep getting lost along the way. He just wants ME. And what could define love better than that.

MAHATHIR

Got this from Ian who got it from Kuan Mei. Brilliant.

When Dr. Mahathir was Prime Minister of Malaysia

One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how a neighboring country can be doingbetter than Malaysia .

One of his aides said, "I heard that the leaders consult Feng Shui masters to ensure prosperity for the country."

Dr Mahathir thought if that was the case, Malaysia Bomoh also can, and went to seek the top bomoh's advice in the country. After reviewing the case, the bomoh told Dr M that there were 2 things that he must do :

Bomoh : Step 1. You must blame the crisis on SOROS for everything.

Dr M : But Why ?

Bomoh: Because SOROS stands for 'Speculate On Ringgit Or Stocks'. You must blame him, and look at ways to control the ringgit and stock market.

Bomoh : Step 2 - You must get rid of ANWAR.

Dr M: What! why him?

Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for 'A Nation Without Any Ringgit'.

Dr M: But how ? This is most difficult to do, he is popular with the people.

Bomoh : Aiyoh, you bodoh lah! Look at your name, MAHATHIR. Make AnwarHomosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly.

No-mood Random Post

Another massive traffic jam yesterday evening on the way home from work and I thought to myself, "What the hell? Another Anwar-related speculations???" The traffic was sooo damn bad. Asif and I were stuck in the car for 3-f***ing hours, remained static in one spot for 1-damned-hour. Can you imagine that? We were going crazy until I thought of a good idea to pass the time; found an NSync audio CD in his car and we put it on full volume (yea, it was REALLY loud) and sang, as well as dance, along. We must have looked like a couple of silly kids, or insane adults, singing at the top of our lungs, with the windows winded down, holding cigarettes in our hands and dancing... to NSync??? What the??? Well, what two spontaneous friends can do.

I officially consider myself as an anti-government, as I found myself blaming them every chance I got. But I'm no pro-opposition either, although i do believe that there are fabrications in a lot of the government's deeds - be it good or bad.

Hey, I checked out Saiful's med report from the Pusrawi Hospital, posted on RPK's blog. Looks genuine. Maybe it is. I don't buy it 100% tho. I read the mainstream media's side of the story too. As expected, they denied every claim. Kudos.

(read it here)

Nothing much today. Don't really feel like it.

Cheers.

Yours truly.

Estranged Home

"Here in my home..." In the first place, i honestly thought that the whole idea is cliche. Don't get me wrong; the song is good. The lyrics are beautiful and the melody as well as the whole composition of the song were done nicely. Two thumbs up for Pete Teo and his fellow comrades. I seriously look up to their optimism and effort.

Pessimism however, got the best of me, as i find myself questioning the Malaysian Artiste For Unity Project. I asked, "Is this song really going to make any difference to the racial polarization in this country?"

I took Italian for my third-language course and the man teaching my Italian class was real Italian. I remember him asking me, "Why does it matter so much whether you're a Chinese, or Malay, or Indian, or Sabahan?" I guess I must have sounded a bit defensive when he mistook me as a West Malaysian.

In another incident, during my second year in uni, we were given this assignment to interview foreign ambassadors and i got myself the Ambassador of Cuba. He told me that in his country, "we don't have classifications like Malaysia does. When people ask what race are we, the only answer there is, is Cuban." Imagine how sick i felt of our country then.

Why is there racial polarization? Why do some people who were born and raised here, and had stayed here for the past donkey years still feel outcasted? Why does a Malay still generalize Indians and vice versa? Why do East Malaysians still refer to Peninsular Malaysia as 'tempat orang'? Is not this our place too?

When I first got here three years ago and looked around me, I noticed one major difference between this 'tempat orang' and the place where I come from (Sabah); segregation. The Malays will sit and eat with the Malays, the Chinese walk with the Chinese, the Indians hang out with the Indians. There was only one time when I saw that color didn't matter; in church. And that was it. Being an East Malaysian gives me the priviledge of being friends with all the main races, and the other will just talk bad about the other.

At that point on, all my beliefs about harmonious + united nation of Malaysia, shaped by all the unity ads i saw on TV and heard in radio, crushed. It was further damaged by this stupid talks and lectures delivered to us in campus. I was so loathed by how the speakers urging - in high-pitched voices, practically shouting - the Malays to fight and stand for their race and religion. Maybe they forgot that there were East Malaysians among the audience, or Malays whose parents might have been of Chinese or Indian heritage. Racist.

I immediately had my perception about racism completely turned upside-down. For a while in my life, I was tempted to buy all the notion of racism and chauvinistics; to hate the other races and fight for our rights. But in my life, i was blessed enough to meet nice people, and these people do not come from just one race; they vary. There are nice Chinese and bad Chinese. There are nice Indians and bad Indians. There are nice Malays and bad Malays. There are nice East Malaysians and bad ones. Translation; whether a person is good or bad, it is not up to his/her race/religion to determine it.

Apart from broadcasting harmonious, united multi-racial one nation ads, the government really is not doing anything more about this problem. When asked to, they denied that we have any of such problem in Malaysia. Hypocrites.

For a start, they can begin with the racial and religion classifications requirement when filling in official/unofficial forms for any applications. Just what is the need for that anyway? So that they (authorities) can give priority to the 'bangsa rasmi' of this country? Now how is that fair? I'm just sick of having have to be labeled as "Lain-lain", when the East Malaysians are the aboriginals of this country and makes up more than half the population (read more on http://amyswavelength.blogspot.com/2008/03/letter-to-whom-it-may-concern.html).

I was at the monorail station waiting for the next train and i overheard a Chinese kid, not more than five years old, asking his dad at the point of seeing another Chinese family, "Hey dad look, they're Chinese too." His nodded with a smile. The kid looked around and stopped at the point of seeing an Indian kid with his family as well, and asked his dad, "Are they Chinese too?" His dad of course answered, "No, they're Indians." The same question asked when the kid saw a Malay kid, and the dad answered, "No, they're Malays." The kid must have heard the homophonic of Malays and Malaysia and asked the dad, "They're Malaysians?" to which his dad asnwered yes. He continued asking, "Aren't we Malaysian too?" And the dad told him, "It's not the same," and the conversation ended there.

I cannot quite make out what his means by saying "It's not the same." But I could detect some bitterness in pointing that out.

The government and other ignorant, indifferent people should really stop pretending like everything's okay between us. They should stop emphasizing so much on what race a person is and stop giving special rights to different races and religion. Why don't we all just be a Malaysian?

Too Bad To Move On

A man was found dead in what is believed to be suicide, yesterday morning. Two of his children aged four and one respectively were also dead, just nearby him. The guy was in the process of divorce. It is aasumed that prior to taking his own life, he poisoned his children. And they presumed that he did what he did because of depression due to family issues.

It aches anyone to hear such news (especially when you're on your way to work very early in the morning... what a day-starter). Some would have reacted with an out-spoken "Bodoh," or "Why the hell did he do that?" Some would have said, "Kesian." Some would have not even bother reacting to it (yah, i know some really indifferent scumbags). Some would have said nothing in reaction, for whatever reason.

I said nothing. Not because I don't give a shit about some Malay guy in Nibong Tebal took his own life after killing his kids. I think it was too sad to know such things are happening. Not shocked, because we have heard such cases happened before. Note the plural form of c.a.s.e.(s). And that's what's making me sad about it. It seems that many people are turning into suicide as an answer to their lives' problems.

And it got me thinking, this guy could have been anyone i know. It could even be me. Life can get pretty ugly, as we all know and went through. I won't deny the possibility of any one of us resorting to such solution. Most people are too proud to admit that they'd be stupid enough to kill themselves. Or that life for them is too good to even think of it. I don't blame them. We've all had our shares of highs and lows. But were our lows as disturbing, confusing and depressing as that of Shaari Hamid's? What i meant to say is that, what could be so bad that you have to end lives? Life is a one-time oppurtunity. How screwed up can it get that a person can just destroy such oppurtunity?

My answer is, nothing can be that bad. Nothing can be so screwed-up that there's no solution other than end a life. As long as there's breath, one is capable of anything. Of course a mute person can't sing. But i know a mute friend who can play the guitar. And of course a wheel-chair bound person can't dance. But I know a friend, Susan Leong, who has no ability to speak, walk, or respond properly, and she writes song lyrics. I'm getting somewhere. Read on.

I don't dare say that I'm not going to be stupid enough to commit suicide as an answer to life's difficulties. I don't dare say that if life hits me hard someday, suicide would be the last thing on my mind. I don't dare say that i'm strong enough to face any kinds of problems in life. Because i'm not strong. Trust me, I learned it the hard way.

I believe that i hadn't survived a tough childhood on my own accord, that there's a great source of strength that had sustained me throughout all the troubles, the high-tides of life. Many times i felt like giving up. Well actually, by attempting suicide three times during my teenage years, i've already given up. But i guess the Big Guy up there refused to give up on me and thus rejected taking my life just yet.

The one thing that i believe a person should have in his/her life is a belief. A belief in something greater beyond human strength. Some things, most things, no... ALL things couldn't be possible without that belief in a God; at least i think so. And somehow i wish, I could have detected all these people who were so troubled in life and committed suicide, moments or a day before they did so, to share with them what I believe, and maybe change their mind... *Silence*