June 12, 2022.
It's a Sunday afternoon and we've been at home... I'm waiting for the banana cake I baked to fluff up in the oven, kids have been on their respective choice of screen; my 13-year-old on the PS4, the middle child on the phone, and the 6-year-old on the iPad, since after lunch time.. So it's been about three hours straight... Aniq is here too, he's been staying over here for the last couple of days, and I've just been observing his routine, painfully so because inside I'm screaming, wanting to. give him a piece of what I feel with how we're spending our time as a family...
Honestly I don't know if I'm being too rigid with how I feel we should be spending our time and resources, or if these desires are valid... I feel things in my gut but I was also raised in environments where these intuitions are shut down, ridiculed or ignored and invalidated... Hence, the constant contradictions I now have to live with; "Should I trust myself? Or am I being unreasonable? Is he/she are they right?"
I've been struggling with this 'power struggle' my whole life. But more so in recent weeks as I continue to try and find ways to show up in my life, and as I'd like to believe, I've been making progress in this journey of awakening from my past, suppressed life to heal my wounds and learn new ways of being, truer (to myself) ways of being...
It's one of those crossroads where you feel like you have to make a big decision regarding life... Or maybe it's the hormones enraging as I near my delivery date (3 more weeks!)... Or it's a cocktail of everything; Hormones, and I am in the midst of having to make decisions regarding my personal relationships, kids' education, kids' co-parenting arrangements, kids' emotional management, my work/job - which I can't even tell where the hell am I with this or if I need to look for a new job, student life coz I've been training for the holistic healthcare practice certification, baby is coming, car needs fixing, house needs cleaning on a daily basis and stuff needs getting rid of...
I deserve to be confused and frustrated... But it doesn't feel like I have anyone who is able to be that container for me, to hold space for me if I break down... Even though I've learned that we can be that for ourselves - in fact, we need to learn how to be that for ourselves, it's as easily done as told... So I've just been trying to regulate when triggered, learning or practicing how to accept and sit with whatever emotions that come up when I'm triggered, trying not to break down or blow up, not sure if that's how I'm supposed to do it, not knowing what I'm doing either, but just, trying as many different ways to deal with difficult emotions as possible...
Checking in: Before I started writing this entry, it was so messy and noisy in my head... Feeling slightly better now, in a way that I'm able to hear what my gut feeling is trying to tell me, albeit faintly... It's that, "It's gonna be alright" feeling...
Maybe it's also that Aniq had taken the kids out to the skatepark and I get that, "See, Amy, it's not that bad... He does know when to get the kids off screens and they don't throw a tantrum and happily comply..."
It's gonna be alright. And I'm gonna trust it, for now.
-ends
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