Difficult conversations

 One of the major realizations I had while on this journey of healing wounds and unlearning unhelpful ways of thinking and being is, our lack of ability to have difficult conversations...

It's the pitfall of many relationships and potentials...

I've been feeling a lot of uneasiness and experiencing triggering moments that I internalise due to worrying that arguments will erupt in the household, knowing very well how defensive and anxious Aniq gets whenever I raise any issue or need...

So I've been proposing to have a discussion to iron things out; what's the plan, what's the decision, what are the boundaries that we need to have if we are going to live under the same roof for some time... Revisit what was it that we agreed on...

I've voiced out this need vocally and also through text for about a week now and admittedly, I'm starting to feel a little impatient as I feel the (internal) reactions I have towards his crossing a lot of the boundaries I've set for myself and this household in his absence, on the daily.

Earlier this evening he was sitting on the couch being on his phone, his pouch still hung across his body since he got back at least an hour and a half before. The uneasiness within me started to surface again, coz I've been observing him for the last couple of days and he literally spends 90% of his free time being on the phone.

It irks me that he spends very little time trying to connect with the kids, that he thinks he's doing enough when I see him doing what he does on the daily... It kills me to tolerate such incongruence... Maybe because it reminds me of my own bad habits that I've been working so hard to change... But maybe, he CAN do better and yet when I bring it up, it 100% will turn into an argument...

So i said something, "Your pouch is still on you," and that's all it took for us to misunderstand each other and sent me crying to my room... Boom... Dante, my sweet little sensitive soul, started cupping his ears and I knew, it's happening again.. So, I walked away, quickly before I burst in front of the kids again...

"STAY", I told myself... "Stop abandoning yourself," Teal Swan's words rang in my ears and I said it out loud to myself... "I see you, you brilliant, little misunderstood soul," I hugged myself tight as I cried... "People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves... He's not ready for your truth, Amy.. And that's okay... Meet people where they are.. Meet yourself where you are..."

I got triggered again, and that's okay... I want to learn to be okay with these unpleasant emotions... I want to learn to have difficult conversations even if it hurts because I believe it will make things better, better in its truest sense, not in the people-pleasing, surface-level sense that we've all been brainwashed truth to be..

I need to reassess the situation and come to a decision.. Do I go in and try again - meaning, bring it up again but with more compassion, coz I know that he's just coming from a place of chronic insecurity.. Or, do I make the decision for us knowing that he's not ready for any discussion so long as you're not ready to create a safe space for him to be himself...

For now though, go to sleep, Amy... You need the rest, love.

-ends