Sitting with my demons

 "Sit with it... Even though you want to run. Even though it's heavy and difficult. Even though you're not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling..."

I'm in that "Fuck... I feel stuck... Like nothings matters, none of the work that I've been doing, matters, coz it feels like I'm back at where I started, lost and stagnant..." phase again...

I've been doing much better in the way I respond to situations that would've sent me in a downward spiral if it was a year ago, but I still can't help feeling agitated, or annoyed, and frustrated when things don't go the way I want them to or when making decisions...

I dissociate a lot though... Not sure if that's a good thing.. Not sure if that's how I'm supposed to "sit with it", my emotions... Like right now...

It must be an accumulation of a lot of things; from emceeing an event on Friday - coz I realise more now that this job that I've been doing takes out A LOT of my energy, to this unclear situationship between me and Aniq, and the many things in my life that need addressing and settling but I've gone months delaying...

I woke up today reminded of the decision that I have to make regarding the continuation of my relationship with Liku-Liku Center, the center that I've been getting therapy, mentoring, holistic healthcare training from and doing podcast and other works with... With my new baby coming in less than a month, and the center kickstarting into full operations soon, I need to decide how much of my time can I commit and hence, decide what do I want to focus on at least for the next one year...

I got up feeling the need to go the pasar to get fruits and vege supply coz we've been spending a lot on buying those needs from a nearby fresh mart that sells everything at much higher prices... So I asked Aniq to help coz he's around and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. But he was focused on fixing the Playstation problem with hacked payment instead, spent his entire morning worrying about that... And when that happened and I had to go buy from the said fresh mart anyway, it got me back to where we started with this issue of not getting our needs met, again... Feels like shit...

Then there's preparation for delivery of baby... I'm in my 38th week for goodness sake and it can happen anytime now and I have yet to prepare the bag! I don't even have clothes for newborn babies yet (please go find Natasha soonest possible), blankets, gaaahhhh, maternity pads, SPACE for baby coz I'm currently co-sleeping with my 6-year-old Rhu and have yet to do anything with the clothes we no longer use in the other room and turn it into Rhu's room, oh my godddddd Amyyyyyyyy...

Kids have yet to go back to school because I get too anxious thinking about having to approach the education department and public schools who I sense won't take in my kids coz it will affect their school reputation and record due to the kids not being schooled according to their syllabus for more than two years now...

"Sit with it. No matter how uncomfortable and painful you know there is no way around this, sit with it..." Fuck it's easier said than done...

It's the taking that first step that's always the hardest and anxiety-ridden for me... So much so that I'd run away from having to do that and distract instead... It's so bad...