Sitting with my demons

 "Sit with it... Even though you want to run. Even though it's heavy and difficult. Even though you're not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling..."

I'm in that "Fuck... I feel stuck... Like nothings matters, none of the work that I've been doing, matters, coz it feels like I'm back at where I started, lost and stagnant..." phase again...

I've been doing much better in the way I respond to situations that would've sent me in a downward spiral if it was a year ago, but I still can't help feeling agitated, or annoyed, and frustrated when things don't go the way I want them to or when making decisions...

I dissociate a lot though... Not sure if that's a good thing.. Not sure if that's how I'm supposed to "sit with it", my emotions... Like right now...

It must be an accumulation of a lot of things; from emceeing an event on Friday - coz I realise more now that this job that I've been doing takes out A LOT of my energy, to this unclear situationship between me and Aniq, and the many things in my life that need addressing and settling but I've gone months delaying...

I woke up today reminded of the decision that I have to make regarding the continuation of my relationship with Liku-Liku Center, the center that I've been getting therapy, mentoring, holistic healthcare training from and doing podcast and other works with... With my new baby coming in less than a month, and the center kickstarting into full operations soon, I need to decide how much of my time can I commit and hence, decide what do I want to focus on at least for the next one year...

I got up feeling the need to go the pasar to get fruits and vege supply coz we've been spending a lot on buying those needs from a nearby fresh mart that sells everything at much higher prices... So I asked Aniq to help coz he's around and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. But he was focused on fixing the Playstation problem with hacked payment instead, spent his entire morning worrying about that... And when that happened and I had to go buy from the said fresh mart anyway, it got me back to where we started with this issue of not getting our needs met, again... Feels like shit...

Then there's preparation for delivery of baby... I'm in my 38th week for goodness sake and it can happen anytime now and I have yet to prepare the bag! I don't even have clothes for newborn babies yet (please go find Natasha soonest possible), blankets, gaaahhhh, maternity pads, SPACE for baby coz I'm currently co-sleeping with my 6-year-old Rhu and have yet to do anything with the clothes we no longer use in the other room and turn it into Rhu's room, oh my godddddd Amyyyyyyyy...

Kids have yet to go back to school because I get too anxious thinking about having to approach the education department and public schools who I sense won't take in my kids coz it will affect their school reputation and record due to the kids not being schooled according to their syllabus for more than two years now...

"Sit with it. No matter how uncomfortable and painful you know there is no way around this, sit with it..." Fuck it's easier said than done...

It's the taking that first step that's always the hardest and anxiety-ridden for me... So much so that I'd run away from having to do that and distract instead... It's so bad... 

Difficult conversations

 One of the major realizations I had while on this journey of healing wounds and unlearning unhelpful ways of thinking and being is, our lack of ability to have difficult conversations...

It's the pitfall of many relationships and potentials...

I've been feeling a lot of uneasiness and experiencing triggering moments that I internalise due to worrying that arguments will erupt in the household, knowing very well how defensive and anxious Aniq gets whenever I raise any issue or need...

So I've been proposing to have a discussion to iron things out; what's the plan, what's the decision, what are the boundaries that we need to have if we are going to live under the same roof for some time... Revisit what was it that we agreed on...

I've voiced out this need vocally and also through text for about a week now and admittedly, I'm starting to feel a little impatient as I feel the (internal) reactions I have towards his crossing a lot of the boundaries I've set for myself and this household in his absence, on the daily.

Earlier this evening he was sitting on the couch being on his phone, his pouch still hung across his body since he got back at least an hour and a half before. The uneasiness within me started to surface again, coz I've been observing him for the last couple of days and he literally spends 90% of his free time being on the phone.

It irks me that he spends very little time trying to connect with the kids, that he thinks he's doing enough when I see him doing what he does on the daily... It kills me to tolerate such incongruence... Maybe because it reminds me of my own bad habits that I've been working so hard to change... But maybe, he CAN do better and yet when I bring it up, it 100% will turn into an argument...

So i said something, "Your pouch is still on you," and that's all it took for us to misunderstand each other and sent me crying to my room... Boom... Dante, my sweet little sensitive soul, started cupping his ears and I knew, it's happening again.. So, I walked away, quickly before I burst in front of the kids again...

"STAY", I told myself... "Stop abandoning yourself," Teal Swan's words rang in my ears and I said it out loud to myself... "I see you, you brilliant, little misunderstood soul," I hugged myself tight as I cried... "People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves... He's not ready for your truth, Amy.. And that's okay... Meet people where they are.. Meet yourself where you are..."

I got triggered again, and that's okay... I want to learn to be okay with these unpleasant emotions... I want to learn to have difficult conversations even if it hurts because I believe it will make things better, better in its truest sense, not in the people-pleasing, surface-level sense that we've all been brainwashed truth to be..

I need to reassess the situation and come to a decision.. Do I go in and try again - meaning, bring it up again but with more compassion, coz I know that he's just coming from a place of chronic insecurity.. Or, do I make the decision for us knowing that he's not ready for any discussion so long as you're not ready to create a safe space for him to be himself...

For now though, go to sleep, Amy... You need the rest, love.

-ends

It feels so wrong

 June 12, 2022.

It's a Sunday afternoon and we've been at home... I'm waiting for the banana cake I baked to fluff up in the oven, kids have been on their respective choice of screen; my 13-year-old on the PS4, the middle child on the phone, and the 6-year-old on the iPad, since after lunch time.. So it's been about three hours straight... Aniq is here too, he's been staying over here for the last couple of days, and I've just been observing his routine, painfully so because inside I'm screaming, wanting to. give him a piece of what I feel with how we're spending our time as a family...

Honestly I don't know if I'm being too rigid with how I feel we should be spending our time and resources, or if these desires are valid... I feel things in my gut but I was also raised in environments where these intuitions are shut down, ridiculed or ignored and invalidated... Hence, the constant contradictions I now have to live with; "Should I trust myself? Or am I being unreasonable? Is he/she are they right?"

I've been struggling with this 'power struggle' my whole life. But more so in recent weeks as I continue to try and find ways to show up in my life, and as I'd like to believe, I've been making progress in this journey of awakening from my past, suppressed life to heal my wounds and learn new ways of being, truer (to myself) ways of being...

It's one of those crossroads where you feel like you have to make a big decision regarding life... Or maybe it's the hormones enraging as I near my delivery date (3 more weeks!)... Or it's a cocktail of everything; Hormones, and I am in the midst of having to make decisions regarding my personal relationships, kids' education, kids' co-parenting arrangements, kids' emotional management, my work/job - which I can't even tell where the hell am I with this or if I need to look for a new job, student life coz I've been training for the holistic healthcare practice certification, baby is coming, car needs fixing, house needs cleaning on a daily basis and stuff needs getting rid of...

I deserve to be confused and frustrated... But it doesn't feel like I have anyone who is able to be that container for me, to hold space for me if I break down... Even though I've learned that we can be that for ourselves - in fact, we need to learn how to be that for ourselves, it's as easily done as told... So I've just been trying to regulate when triggered, learning or practicing how to accept and sit with whatever emotions that come up when I'm triggered, trying not to break down or blow up, not sure if that's how I'm supposed to do it, not knowing what I'm doing either, but just, trying as many different ways to deal with difficult emotions as possible...

Checking in: Before I started writing this entry, it was so messy and noisy in my head... Feeling slightly better now, in a way that I'm able to hear what my gut feeling is trying to tell me, albeit faintly... It's that, "It's gonna be alright" feeling... 

Maybe it's also that Aniq had taken the kids out to the skatepark and I get that, "See, Amy, it's not that bad... He does know when to get the kids off screens and they don't throw a tantrum and happily comply..."

It's gonna be alright. And I'm gonna trust it, for now.

-ends

Change is a bitch

This is me throwing a tantrum... For struggling with change, with knowing better, and having to stick to the path (of this healing journey) no matter what happens. Sure I can choose to change it anytime I want, go back to patterns that I was more used to; staying in the comfort zone. But I feel that it would be such a waste if I do that... So here I am, stuck in the neither here nor there, damned if I reverse or U-turn damned if I go on the journey - because of not knowing what's ahead... 

As with any other processes in life, there are good days and there are days I barely understand why I persist... And there's no telling how long the emotion will stay... At this point, I've learned to understand that how I feel is just emotions - not JUST emotions like they are insignificant, but JUST emotions as in, they are simply indicators of how or what I'm feeling and not a life or death sentence. And there is good and truth in being able to see it that way coz we're so used to overthinking about what our emotions mean...

But whatever it is that I'm feeling, I just feel in my gut that I need to articulate them, or at least relearn how to coz it feels like I forgot how... I've gotten so used to fleeing or freezing as a response to sticky, uncomfortable, difficult situations or challenges, and that's what I still feel like doing everytime I start blogging or journaling... 

But this is MY space... No judgment, just a safe space for me to vent.. So take it as a win, Amy... Change is a bitch, so celebrate the little victories coz some days there ain't much to notice... 

Till the next post.

Coparenting

Since separating from my most recent partner, Niq, we've been coparenting the kids, adjusting according to our respective schedule. It started with me having the kids on weekdays and him on the weekends. And then some stays get overstretched according to public holidays, school holidays, and I've been learning to let go of rigidity coz, honestly, I was starting to enjoy the days and nights that I get to have being alone, not having to worry about whether or not they have eaten, bathed, or managing who does or haven't done what chore. It's more tiring doing those things alone, but it's also much more less stress not having to manage other people but myself. Then kids come home and I appreciate them more, able to be more lenient with the house rules, able to enjoy bedtime bonding more, and we don't fight as much. 

There are downsides of course. It gets harder to go back to healthier practices and diet that I've worked hard on implementing in our house, coz they didn't have to follow them when they're with the dad, so I look like the 'bad guy' for having to be the disciplinarian. Oh, it's one of the things that have been eating me up inside... I get into serious anxious and depressive moments, not being able to accept that things are the way they are and I just have to adjust my expectations, not to set the bar so high that I end up being depressed all the time.. 

I was also dead worried about how the kids are going to adjust. Because some days, they are also separated; the boys stay with and Rhu stays with her father, mostly coz she wants to... And I think part of it is because of his lack of discipline and my overwhelming need to have things work out the way I want them to... I was and still sometimes worry about how this will affect their relationship with each other, with me, with their dad(s), how they will view the world and how things work, being exposed to confusing life principles and mixed messages - one parent says yes to play video games or watch Youtube for more than two hours and the other says no, one parent feeds cereal and cow's milk as breakfast and the other parent insists on always having fruits for breakfast, one parent is okay with kids not doing any house chores while the other says it's a must everyday...

I watched a Teal Swan video today about 'Getting in the Flow', and thought about how that resonates with one of the things my therapist friend slash podcast co-host said about "going with the Woo Way"... 

It's a lot to digest (duh, it's Teal Swan - I like to listen to an episode or a topic more than once to really get what she's saying), but I get it and I feel that her version of truth and authenticity resembles what I feel is right in my gut... So I like letting myself process her teachings, even if they are hard pills to swallow...

And in that video is a reminder for me to ride with the waves... Like a surfer who needs to work with the waves and not try to control them or go against them... 

It's not easy, but I'm doing it... Going with the Woo Way - which I learned is derived from one of Daoism teachings of flowing with the 'wu wei', effortless action, doing nothing... 

The kids came home today, and we had a good time catching up.. But their dad is also here, sleeping over, coz he had an argument with his sister and now he doesn't wanna go back to the family home where he had been staying with his parents and sister who has three kids that enjoy playing with my kids whenever they went over... But more on that in another post.. It's past midnight and this pregger mama needs to sleep.. Long day tomorrow, many decisions to make... 

Till then.