On my mind today (OMMT) that turned into New Year's resolutions reflections

Write. Journal. Oh! A shower thought; since I'm trying to practice writing and aspire to write an entry a day - regardless of long or short writings - how about writing them on Borneo Speaks OR Kita Human? #inthetrencheswithyou. Kita Human is an idea inspired by 'Humans of New York', to restart my knack for writing stories about people, the things that make us human. Kita Human can be a virtual space where we can share our stories - especially the things we don't like admitting to others; our struggles, our demons and shadows - and help us realise that we are all humans who don't got it all figured out. We're all weird. 

I have so many thoughts going on every second of the day. I've learned meditation and grounding techniques to help me slow down and pul the brakes on my train of thoughts. But it's fucking hard to be consistent. 

I feel that maybe it's hard because I don't feel supported in my day-to-day one small step after another trying to be better at dealing with myself. I'm learning to be mindful in everything that I do because it helps having better awareness in how we function as unique human beings, and I'm trying to do it for everyone in the house; a teenager, a pre-teen, a kindergartener, and an infant, and an adult child (me, considering I'm learning how to do it myself first). And then there's the other adult child - my ex who is cohabiting and coparenting with me. That's a lot of people to mentally and emotionally carry, to feel responsible for. 

So, to unload some of that burden once in a while, I need this... writing them down, seeing what I'm thinking in physical form kind of... But I need help with consistency. And I realised, probably realising for the hundredth time that we have only ourselves to come save ourselves. If I want to be consistent, I have to stop wishing that I will meet someone someday who can help me with that, and pick up the tools myself. 

Set a goal, Amy. Start with a short term one, like one blog entry a week (since one a day is difficult, and once every two days is hard to track). Or actually, how about one entry a day but CHANGE your MOTIVATION, and fucking stick to it. One entry a day, rain or shine, long or short. 

And since consistency can only work if there is accountability (thanks Liku-Liku Center for consistently helping me prove and see this point), how about doing it (blog entries) for something outside of myself, like Borneo Speaks; it's bigger than me and more people are involved... Use it like an accountability practice. 

First, identify if that's a space safe enough for you to do that, Amy. And to know if it's a safe space, you have got to have some guidelines for reference, especially when things get tough and you feel like quitting, to remind you why you even started. 

So, what makes you feel safe?

• To be able to say what I want to say, share my truth and not be ridiculed, shamed, or condemned.
• To be allowed grace in learning at my pace, even if it's slow and messy. 
  

What about KITA HUMAN? Is that just gonna die, or should I dedicate time and effort to building that? What's my priority? What should I focus on next year? Writing the book? Building a collective like Kita Human? Resume training in Holistic Health Practice? Am I still interested in becoming a life coach?Am I still unschooling the kids? Or sending the kids back to school so I can focus on my career pursuits? What career pursuits? 

I just know that I don't wanna be in the rat race anymore... It doesn't excite me anymore, not sure if it's a trauma response or natural instincts.. Pursuing higher positions in corporate companies, or going after jobs that pay higher, fanning my flame so I shine brighter, or even being described as 'hardworking' (okay, and then your kids' slow days trigger you and you use the words, 'Lazy ass mfs'... Projection. Sigh.)

Gawd I need a mental break. Too much and I can't work my brain past 11PM anymore... Ageing. Approaching 40 is no joke. Can't risk losing sleep. Goodnight world.

Connection. Or rather, Disconnection

It's been the theme of my thought processes these recent weeks... How maybe the root of all our problems at the individual and collective levels is how far disconnected we are from everything; nature, each other, our true selves, the world, meaning, everything... Disconnected from what we know to be true but masked with the "Everything is fine" notion, there's not need to question further, just keep grinding the way we normally do, not realising that we've also unconsciously designed 'normal' to be destructive to ourselves... 

I was having an exchange with the kids - which feels more like a monologue by me most of the time - about Loneliness. We've been homeschooling and our method of learning is structured partly around impromptu Youtube channels in the like of Kurzgesagt, School of Life, TED Talks, and The Odd 1s out, via videos of topics that can relate to our daily life like conflict resolutions or how our gut is the second brain. We've watched videos on the 12 main body systems, what is sinusitis, the different types of intelligence, how to make caramel bread, mental health, death, loneliness, and how we can relate to these topics through our own experiences. 

Loneliness, i wrote on the white board, is an illness in one of the five dimensions of health, social. We have the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social aspects of health and this was fascinating for me to recall because we learned this in Holistic Health training with Liku-Liku Center, a topic I've been interested in, learning more about, for the past 3 years...

And loneliness, if we think about it is because we lost connection with each other. We've ignored the problem for so long that we're even disconnected from the ways we know how to repair those disconnections. We've let the shame and guilt that we've been dealt with growing up, take over, and i've seen too many people carrying it to their deathbed... 

Think about it; increase in number of mental health issues, disconnected from ourselves. Increase in number of divorces, disconnected from each other. Perpetual environmental issues, disconnected from nature. Rise in the number of physiological illnesses, disconnected from our body. Wars, sexism, racism, bigotry, competitiveness, disconnection from each other. 

So disconnected that we're consumed with ideas of competing against each other, got stuck in the "More is better, bigger is better, faster is better," mentality, and forgot that we were meant to help each other grow and survive, not champion for one specific race, religion, gender, ideology, species... Inclusivity over exclusivity... 

Thinking about this makes me glad that I chose to continue homeschooling the kids beyond the pandemic lockdowns.. Because I've been so focused on attempting to repair the connections out there; with peers, work and project teams, and I overlooked the connection that needed repairing the most, the one I have with the kids... It's been so disconnected, connection online only when we're sharing it with the bigger public on social media, and the rest of it, is trying to survive each other while I edit and think up of ideas on what to upload, until they go to sleep...

It's a good thing I've learned a thing or two from my therapy with Liku-Liku and at that time when the pandemic happened, I had already started 'practicing' those things; basic stuff like emotional regulation, learning how to respond in ways that do not cause further trauma to myself and the kids, being patient, drawing necessary boundaries, unlearning people pleasing behaviours, learning how to communicate better, how to create safe spaces for those of us who need it.. Ya, those things we deem 'little' or too small to make time for or to matter. Connection. 

I'm not sure if this is enough paragraphs and 'peeling'/unraveling my train of thoughts that's always going 200kmh speed... I started writing because I wanted to untie the knots of ideas and thoughts so that they 'go somewhere', instead of staying knotted in my mind. Gotta make space for creativity in approaching life's everyday stuff.

At least there's something. And this is better than nothing. If this makes you think, "Yea but strive harder, aim higher, gain more.." I'm not there and I still need to process further what I feel about that kind of mindset, careful not to simply mask it as "That's not my style" and explore if it's a case of coping mechanism and gauge whether it's beneficial to my wellbeing or not if it is. 

Okay, bye. Before I say more coz honestly it doesn't end. I will always have something to say and most of the time those things stay stuck in my mind due to worrying that I will bore people or have them think of me as nonsense and crazy. Now that's some disconnection... From our true selves and from each other... :(

I need to be more consistent in doing something

It's November 13th, 2022. A Sunday. And that means it's been at least 3 months since I posted anything here. I remember feeling that this could be a weekly thing I can commit to; documenting my weeks and practicing my vocabulary plus sentence structuring skills, when I restarted (kind of) this blog months ago. 

But alas, here we are, well into 24 or so weeks of not blogging. I also haven't been consistent on social media with my postings and on my handwritten journal - which I vowed to do everyday. 

So, what have I been up to? Okay, at least since the last entry here. 

Mostly parenting, myself and the kids, which had been challenging coz I'm parenting a teenager, a 10-year-old, a 6-year-old and a newborn, and also myself - a child in an adult body. That in itself is a full time job. And on top of that, I need to source money coz world had gotten so fucked up that we've come to this point where money is the preferred currency for everything, and still find ways to grow either by learning new things or relearning what I abandoned out of whim in younger years. I've been finding ways on how I can marry those two so that I can focus my resources better. 

I still am not good at thinking things through, or at processing my thoughts and emotions... Even though it's been about three years since I started this journey of holistic health learning and practicing it every chance I get - which is whenever I remember, I still find it hard some days and feelings of wanting to give up and resort to perceived beliefs of perpetual darkness still come... It's just I handle it better these days, or so I'd like to believe... 

Those things that I wrote in the previous entry (dated August 16, 2022), that I said were taking up space in my head a lot, I've probably taken care of one thing out of the 10; the ant problem. And even that, I did not take care of; nature must have did coz I didn't do anything other than poured some yellow substance on the ant trails. Basically, three months later and I'm still stuck with the same problems. I feel like shit. 

But this huge chunks of time that I've dedicated to solitude, homeschooling the kids, not taking up jobs and focus (more) fully on bettering my communication and parenting skills, that should count... I feel like the past two years had been about finding our place, footing, in the world of homeschooling, adjusting as we go, seeing what fits our needs and capacity and what doesn't... The more we do it, the further away we get from the fear of doing it"wrong"... 

"Lightly, child. Lightly..." Aldous Huxley. My current mantra to quiet down my doubt-riddled mind that gets triggered every time someone - well mostly my mother and Aniq - talks about sending the kids back to school. It's impossible to see results in two years in trying to unlearn what we've learned for decades. 

Truth is, I don't know if what I'm doing is right. I just know that I want to try alternative ways of living rather than simply following what we consider to be normal in today's world...

Till later. 

Scatterbrained

Stuff that's in my head right now;

Baby Koa's birth certificate, need to go to the National Registration Department to get this done, and I hate dealing with public service counters coz they're known to be...difficult, need to decide whether or not I'm including the father's name and details in the cert, kids' education, money matters, postnatal fats, things to giveaway or organise a garage sale, things to talk about as a public figure which if identified will provide for easier channeling of ideas in future job requests, unhealthy routine & diet, I need supplements, meaning, budget for that, Rhu's fever, Micah & Dante's routine, been taking about sending them for martial art or music or swimming or coding classes, their emotional health, subbing as translator, copywriting, proofreading, conversational English, etc., trying not to think about social media coz I know I need to but am procrastinating, the ant problem in my house.. 

I had some thoughts earlier, during my meditation yesterday and today, that I couldn't possibly recall right now. About feeling inspired to initiate something... All i recall is needing to jot it down then and there but was not willing to stop my already half-way meditation... Makes me wonder what do you do when that happens? I mean, in meditation, is it better to pause and write down these ideas or don't do that and risk forgetting those ideas like me right now?

I figured that if I am to restart writing for the sake of getting better at articulating my thoughts so I can improve my communication skills for work or personal relationships, I might as well start consistently journaling my thoughts since thousands of them come and make space in my head everyday. 

I hope that by doing this often, I'll be able to see some improvement in the way I process my thoughts, so that this habit of overthinking will work IN my favour instead of against; consistently resisting had proven that it gets nowhere, just constant recycle of the same situations, as if the universe is trying to tell me that I didn't get the lesson YET. 

Also, I need to prepare scripts for a few gigs, might as well. 

Love,

Scatterbrained

Write, Amy. Write

Here's a post to remind me that I need to write more. It's practice, Amy. Not a once-a-month-or-three kind of 'more'. Everyday you try kind of more. 

"It might take you 30 days to create a habit, but that habit could change your life for the next 30 years."

"What are you doing everyday to achieve your goal in life?" What is your goal in life? "Do you know what you really want?" Close your eyes and ask yourself where would you like to be in 20-30 years from now. What does it look like? 

"Do you spend some time everyday to credit into the account of making that life happen?" 

I mean, just journaling it down on this platform has got to count for something better than nothing, right? 

"...above all, be kind to yourself." I hear myself whisper to my inner child, whom I've been trying to connect with more often than I ever did my entire life, to disintegrate all the decades of shame and pain I've ever accumulated in this body as a result of the environment in which I grew up in...

That helps remind me that I need not rush in pursuing whatever it is that I think will expand my experience in life.. Better a fool to believe in dreams no matter how silly, than a people pleaser trashing dreams coz they don't fit in the class that society sees as normal...

"Write, Amy.. Write..." 

I close my eyes and start visualising what I would consider a life happily lived... If everything in the world is possible, a school, more like a village of parents aspiring to teach or show kids the skills and stuff that we wish we had learned earlier in life, stuff that I've been teaching my kids in our last two years of homeschooling; meditation, journaling, simple but important stretches and workouts, learning about our body, basic food education, mental & emotional wellbeing, environmental education, basic money management, basic woodworking, philosophy, art & music as skills and therapy, etc.  

And we would dance, plant food, make food, meditate, make art, and spread the idea that a healed world is possible.. "Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race," - Michael Jackson, circa 1992. 

How bout a partner? Does it show up in your 'life happily lived' imagined'? 

If I can be honest and truly dig my deepest desires, yes I want a partner who can be on the same path of wanting to better ourselves and enrich the lives of those we come across in our life one way or another, starting with the life of my kids... How do we - me and my imagined partner, utilise the time that we're given to parent these kids, do we act in such a way that we try our best or taking things for granted?

Not sure if that vision of a partner will exist in the form of someone who's already in my life and not really 'there' yet but showed genuine intention to learn, OR someone new...

But, write, Amy. Write... Do it often, do it possibly everyday... It's the one thing that brought you joy and meaning when you were younger, and still does everytime you are kinder to yourself and show up, instead of beating yourself up whenever you don't finish what you started. Haha... 

with love, 

Yourself

Sitting with my demons

 "Sit with it... Even though you want to run. Even though it's heavy and difficult. Even though you're not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling..."

I'm in that "Fuck... I feel stuck... Like nothings matters, none of the work that I've been doing, matters, coz it feels like I'm back at where I started, lost and stagnant..." phase again...

I've been doing much better in the way I respond to situations that would've sent me in a downward spiral if it was a year ago, but I still can't help feeling agitated, or annoyed, and frustrated when things don't go the way I want them to or when making decisions...

I dissociate a lot though... Not sure if that's a good thing.. Not sure if that's how I'm supposed to "sit with it", my emotions... Like right now...

It must be an accumulation of a lot of things; from emceeing an event on Friday - coz I realise more now that this job that I've been doing takes out A LOT of my energy, to this unclear situationship between me and Aniq, and the many things in my life that need addressing and settling but I've gone months delaying...

I woke up today reminded of the decision that I have to make regarding the continuation of my relationship with Liku-Liku Center, the center that I've been getting therapy, mentoring, holistic healthcare training from and doing podcast and other works with... With my new baby coming in less than a month, and the center kickstarting into full operations soon, I need to decide how much of my time can I commit and hence, decide what do I want to focus on at least for the next one year...

I got up feeling the need to go the pasar to get fruits and vege supply coz we've been spending a lot on buying those needs from a nearby fresh mart that sells everything at much higher prices... So I asked Aniq to help coz he's around and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. But he was focused on fixing the Playstation problem with hacked payment instead, spent his entire morning worrying about that... And when that happened and I had to go buy from the said fresh mart anyway, it got me back to where we started with this issue of not getting our needs met, again... Feels like shit...

Then there's preparation for delivery of baby... I'm in my 38th week for goodness sake and it can happen anytime now and I have yet to prepare the bag! I don't even have clothes for newborn babies yet (please go find Natasha soonest possible), blankets, gaaahhhh, maternity pads, SPACE for baby coz I'm currently co-sleeping with my 6-year-old Rhu and have yet to do anything with the clothes we no longer use in the other room and turn it into Rhu's room, oh my godddddd Amyyyyyyyy...

Kids have yet to go back to school because I get too anxious thinking about having to approach the education department and public schools who I sense won't take in my kids coz it will affect their school reputation and record due to the kids not being schooled according to their syllabus for more than two years now...

"Sit with it. No matter how uncomfortable and painful you know there is no way around this, sit with it..." Fuck it's easier said than done...

It's the taking that first step that's always the hardest and anxiety-ridden for me... So much so that I'd run away from having to do that and distract instead... It's so bad... 

Difficult conversations

 One of the major realizations I had while on this journey of healing wounds and unlearning unhelpful ways of thinking and being is, our lack of ability to have difficult conversations...

It's the pitfall of many relationships and potentials...

I've been feeling a lot of uneasiness and experiencing triggering moments that I internalise due to worrying that arguments will erupt in the household, knowing very well how defensive and anxious Aniq gets whenever I raise any issue or need...

So I've been proposing to have a discussion to iron things out; what's the plan, what's the decision, what are the boundaries that we need to have if we are going to live under the same roof for some time... Revisit what was it that we agreed on...

I've voiced out this need vocally and also through text for about a week now and admittedly, I'm starting to feel a little impatient as I feel the (internal) reactions I have towards his crossing a lot of the boundaries I've set for myself and this household in his absence, on the daily.

Earlier this evening he was sitting on the couch being on his phone, his pouch still hung across his body since he got back at least an hour and a half before. The uneasiness within me started to surface again, coz I've been observing him for the last couple of days and he literally spends 90% of his free time being on the phone.

It irks me that he spends very little time trying to connect with the kids, that he thinks he's doing enough when I see him doing what he does on the daily... It kills me to tolerate such incongruence... Maybe because it reminds me of my own bad habits that I've been working so hard to change... But maybe, he CAN do better and yet when I bring it up, it 100% will turn into an argument...

So i said something, "Your pouch is still on you," and that's all it took for us to misunderstand each other and sent me crying to my room... Boom... Dante, my sweet little sensitive soul, started cupping his ears and I knew, it's happening again.. So, I walked away, quickly before I burst in front of the kids again...

"STAY", I told myself... "Stop abandoning yourself," Teal Swan's words rang in my ears and I said it out loud to myself... "I see you, you brilliant, little misunderstood soul," I hugged myself tight as I cried... "People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves... He's not ready for your truth, Amy.. And that's okay... Meet people where they are.. Meet yourself where you are..."

I got triggered again, and that's okay... I want to learn to be okay with these unpleasant emotions... I want to learn to have difficult conversations even if it hurts because I believe it will make things better, better in its truest sense, not in the people-pleasing, surface-level sense that we've all been brainwashed truth to be..

I need to reassess the situation and come to a decision.. Do I go in and try again - meaning, bring it up again but with more compassion, coz I know that he's just coming from a place of chronic insecurity.. Or, do I make the decision for us knowing that he's not ready for any discussion so long as you're not ready to create a safe space for him to be himself...

For now though, go to sleep, Amy... You need the rest, love.

-ends

It feels so wrong

 June 12, 2022.

It's a Sunday afternoon and we've been at home... I'm waiting for the banana cake I baked to fluff up in the oven, kids have been on their respective choice of screen; my 13-year-old on the PS4, the middle child on the phone, and the 6-year-old on the iPad, since after lunch time.. So it's been about three hours straight... Aniq is here too, he's been staying over here for the last couple of days, and I've just been observing his routine, painfully so because inside I'm screaming, wanting to. give him a piece of what I feel with how we're spending our time as a family...

Honestly I don't know if I'm being too rigid with how I feel we should be spending our time and resources, or if these desires are valid... I feel things in my gut but I was also raised in environments where these intuitions are shut down, ridiculed or ignored and invalidated... Hence, the constant contradictions I now have to live with; "Should I trust myself? Or am I being unreasonable? Is he/she are they right?"

I've been struggling with this 'power struggle' my whole life. But more so in recent weeks as I continue to try and find ways to show up in my life, and as I'd like to believe, I've been making progress in this journey of awakening from my past, suppressed life to heal my wounds and learn new ways of being, truer (to myself) ways of being...

It's one of those crossroads where you feel like you have to make a big decision regarding life... Or maybe it's the hormones enraging as I near my delivery date (3 more weeks!)... Or it's a cocktail of everything; Hormones, and I am in the midst of having to make decisions regarding my personal relationships, kids' education, kids' co-parenting arrangements, kids' emotional management, my work/job - which I can't even tell where the hell am I with this or if I need to look for a new job, student life coz I've been training for the holistic healthcare practice certification, baby is coming, car needs fixing, house needs cleaning on a daily basis and stuff needs getting rid of...

I deserve to be confused and frustrated... But it doesn't feel like I have anyone who is able to be that container for me, to hold space for me if I break down... Even though I've learned that we can be that for ourselves - in fact, we need to learn how to be that for ourselves, it's as easily done as told... So I've just been trying to regulate when triggered, learning or practicing how to accept and sit with whatever emotions that come up when I'm triggered, trying not to break down or blow up, not sure if that's how I'm supposed to do it, not knowing what I'm doing either, but just, trying as many different ways to deal with difficult emotions as possible...

Checking in: Before I started writing this entry, it was so messy and noisy in my head... Feeling slightly better now, in a way that I'm able to hear what my gut feeling is trying to tell me, albeit faintly... It's that, "It's gonna be alright" feeling... 

Maybe it's also that Aniq had taken the kids out to the skatepark and I get that, "See, Amy, it's not that bad... He does know when to get the kids off screens and they don't throw a tantrum and happily comply..."

It's gonna be alright. And I'm gonna trust it, for now.

-ends

Change is a bitch

This is me throwing a tantrum... For struggling with change, with knowing better, and having to stick to the path (of this healing journey) no matter what happens. Sure I can choose to change it anytime I want, go back to patterns that I was more used to; staying in the comfort zone. But I feel that it would be such a waste if I do that... So here I am, stuck in the neither here nor there, damned if I reverse or U-turn damned if I go on the journey - because of not knowing what's ahead... 

As with any other processes in life, there are good days and there are days I barely understand why I persist... And there's no telling how long the emotion will stay... At this point, I've learned to understand that how I feel is just emotions - not JUST emotions like they are insignificant, but JUST emotions as in, they are simply indicators of how or what I'm feeling and not a life or death sentence. And there is good and truth in being able to see it that way coz we're so used to overthinking about what our emotions mean...

But whatever it is that I'm feeling, I just feel in my gut that I need to articulate them, or at least relearn how to coz it feels like I forgot how... I've gotten so used to fleeing or freezing as a response to sticky, uncomfortable, difficult situations or challenges, and that's what I still feel like doing everytime I start blogging or journaling... 

But this is MY space... No judgment, just a safe space for me to vent.. So take it as a win, Amy... Change is a bitch, so celebrate the little victories coz some days there ain't much to notice... 

Till the next post.

Coparenting

Since separating from my most recent partner, Niq, we've been coparenting the kids, adjusting according to our respective schedule. It started with me having the kids on weekdays and him on the weekends. And then some stays get overstretched according to public holidays, school holidays, and I've been learning to let go of rigidity coz, honestly, I was starting to enjoy the days and nights that I get to have being alone, not having to worry about whether or not they have eaten, bathed, or managing who does or haven't done what chore. It's more tiring doing those things alone, but it's also much more less stress not having to manage other people but myself. Then kids come home and I appreciate them more, able to be more lenient with the house rules, able to enjoy bedtime bonding more, and we don't fight as much. 

There are downsides of course. It gets harder to go back to healthier practices and diet that I've worked hard on implementing in our house, coz they didn't have to follow them when they're with the dad, so I look like the 'bad guy' for having to be the disciplinarian. Oh, it's one of the things that have been eating me up inside... I get into serious anxious and depressive moments, not being able to accept that things are the way they are and I just have to adjust my expectations, not to set the bar so high that I end up being depressed all the time.. 

I was also dead worried about how the kids are going to adjust. Because some days, they are also separated; the boys stay with and Rhu stays with her father, mostly coz she wants to... And I think part of it is because of his lack of discipline and my overwhelming need to have things work out the way I want them to... I was and still sometimes worry about how this will affect their relationship with each other, with me, with their dad(s), how they will view the world and how things work, being exposed to confusing life principles and mixed messages - one parent says yes to play video games or watch Youtube for more than two hours and the other says no, one parent feeds cereal and cow's milk as breakfast and the other parent insists on always having fruits for breakfast, one parent is okay with kids not doing any house chores while the other says it's a must everyday...

I watched a Teal Swan video today about 'Getting in the Flow', and thought about how that resonates with one of the things my therapist friend slash podcast co-host said about "going with the Woo Way"... 

It's a lot to digest (duh, it's Teal Swan - I like to listen to an episode or a topic more than once to really get what she's saying), but I get it and I feel that her version of truth and authenticity resembles what I feel is right in my gut... So I like letting myself process her teachings, even if they are hard pills to swallow...

And in that video is a reminder for me to ride with the waves... Like a surfer who needs to work with the waves and not try to control them or go against them... 

It's not easy, but I'm doing it... Going with the Woo Way - which I learned is derived from one of Daoism teachings of flowing with the 'wu wei', effortless action, doing nothing... 

The kids came home today, and we had a good time catching up.. But their dad is also here, sleeping over, coz he had an argument with his sister and now he doesn't wanna go back to the family home where he had been staying with his parents and sister who has three kids that enjoy playing with my kids whenever they went over... But more on that in another post.. It's past midnight and this pregger mama needs to sleep.. Long day tomorrow, many decisions to make... 

Till then. 

Epiphany

May 31, 2022. Tuesday.

It was a random Friday afternoon and I was engrossed in deep-cleaning the toilet; and as usual when I'm doing this I'll be in the zone, letting my thoughts flow unbridled and unstructured. One of those thoughts hit harder than the others, like an epiphany. This thought was about me, and how I want to show up in the world, which is something I've been struggling with for the past three years or so.

"My purpose in this life is not to be liked by others... I want to do what is right by me, and not what is right or liked by society..."

Maybe that sentence and what I mean exactly by that can be fine-tuned as we go along this entry. But for the purpose of continuity and clarity; I was thinking about and kind of scanning what I feel about where I am and where I was... I have been thinking about posting and Tweeting a few unpopular opinions about some of the things happening in the community I live in and they're all still staying in 'Drafts'. There's just a lot of fear about other people's perception of me and I hate that feeling... So I sat with it...

It has taken me a long time to be able to do that, to sit with whatever uncomfortable feelings I experience in my day-to-day, brought about or triggered by past experiences... To be fair, I only started therapy - the proper one (what I deem as 'proper therapy' in another post perhaps), or at least the one that feels the most suitable for me - three years ago. So, I'm technically still a toddler in this new phase of my life and still have a lot to learn... Nor is it something we'll have a guarantee of 'graduating' from; I've learned to accept that this healing process may be a lifelong journey, and that's okay.

Sitting with my fear of other people's opinions of my opinions - haha - led me to think about my people-pleasing habits, where I got it from, and how it has shaped the way I see myself and show up in the world... I've been thinking about this, talking about it, unraveling, finding new pieces of information sometimes and feeling stagnant and unfruitful other times, and that random Friday afternoon, I thought about how that feeling of desperately wanting to be liked by other people must have been my mother's wound... And I inherited it... That was her desire, her way of wanting to show up in this life, not mine...

I thought about how I used to be a journalist always questioning things beyond what's on the surface, and I liked it. I liked it, I didn't care if others did, but I liked it. I liked the feeling of knowing I spoke my mind in spite of popular opinions, way better than the feeling of being liked by others for being funny or for putting up a good performance.

And I thought, maybe that was my superpower... Maybe that's why I've been struggling these past few years about deciding on how I want to show up in the world, in this life, because I've been trying too hard to be liked by others falsely thinking that my superpower is making other people like me, or performing...

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll change my mind about that. Maybe it's an epiphany that's gonna change the course of my life forever. Whatever it is, it feels right by me, for now... Let's see what happens if I decide to follow through on this thought.

ends. 

Writing, Blogging. Blogging again to practice writing. I suck at titles really

 I came across what I found to be a very helpful Tweet about writing, as it got me feeling like I needed to do something about my internal chatter right away.

"https://twitter.com/Alexmathers84/status/1524737036938358786?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2022

That part what this guy said about to write loose, write as therapy, and stop hiding, really got me. I'm gonna add another one' "Write dumb. Just start and publish already." Coz one of the main things that got me stop blogging is the fear of what if people think this is stupid... And here I am...

I have been hiding... Hiding behind excuses as to why I shouldn't write, mainly because I'm always frozen by my inability to stay consistent, stay motivated... which has a lot to do with my brain chemicals and neurological pathways that had been chronically affected by my upbringing and trauma, right. Not making up excuses but really, I'm putting it here coz I didn't have the language nor understanding of what was 'wrong' with me for so long... Decades...

I didn't know how significantly trauma and habits - eating, sleeping, lifestyle habits, affect the chemicals in our brains and body and hence the choices we make in life, big and small, until I started learning deeper and wider about the psychology of being human three years ago.. And I've been fascinated ever since...

Although, getting fascinated did not prepare me for the amount of mental and emotional work it takes to start working on our inner world... It's been fucking hard... There are good days and hard days, and today is one of the latter...

I'm juggling so much, mentally, and with little help.. I had a weekly therapy session for about two years, and I stopped due to financial reasons... After that, I have a mentor and routines that help me stay afloat and be able to dig myself out of holes when overwhelm hits, thanks to the tools I learned how to do from attending therapy...

However, it's still not easy to just flip out the tools when I need it... Old habits die heard, right, and it's easier to just fall back to old patterns of making choices that grant instant gratification in handling life crises rather than choosing the harder work of staying consistent in the healing journey and approaching things differently...

I can't help but feel I need help... Having a life partner who is on the same path or more advanced in the journey would be the most ideal... But I don't think that's how it works... I think I need to sort out my massively cluttered inner world first, before I get into another relationship...

But it feels like it's a workload that will never finish.. Adulting, bills, income, kids, chores, being, trying to exist and change in a bubble of people who don't see things the same way, trying to learn together and show the kids healthier ways of being in a community of people who are comfortable staying the same...

Maybe, and I'd like to believe that, that's not the point... The point is not working towards 'finishing' the tasks... Maybe the point is in enjoying the tasks, coz the list of things to do will never end... w then, what is there left to do when it does, right?

And that I need to just work on my perspective... To balance between accepting things and letting go... Some days are gonna be good some days harder... Keep having faith that this is it. This is what they meant when they say, "You live only once."

-ends-

Life at 37

May 17th, 2022. 11:AM

I keep hearing this quote, "Happiness begins in our minds." And this morning during my usual Sadhguru morning monologue - which I've been doing for the past 3-4 years as part of my morning routine, he reminded me that we can't possibly have a clear mind if we're not in the state of joy and pleasantness.. Which is how I often feel about my life...

I woke up today feeling like shit again, not looking forward to want to charge the day. Just a lot of heaviness of having to get all the kids to do our morning routine, coming up with lessons for the day (we've been homeschooling for the last 2 years), chores, planning for the second and third ones' birthday celebration (they wanna go camping - but I'm stuck at, should I invite anybody else or should we just go the four of us which is what I prefer), finding work - radio work, which was my main source of income had stopped since August 2021 and I've been relying on emceeing and hosting jobs to survive but even those are hard to come by these days, maintaining my social media presence - which is where I get jobs from, starting a business, Oreo our dog - whom I'm thinking of letting go of because it's too much work, more than I can handle, my upcoming baby - I'm 33 weeks pregnant, unplanned, unprepared, separated and in the process of divorce, and since the halt of the radio job, I've been filling up my time learning about and training in holistic healthcare with the Liku-Liku Center 3 times a week - not exactly fun and it takes a lot of determination to show up and be consistent, because it's like attending school again. 

So tell me Sadhguru, how can I have a pleasant ad joyful state of mind when I'm basically an unemployed single pregnant mother homeschooling three kids and a dog while also having to worry about mundane chores like laundry, dishes, changing the curtains, wiping the fans, mopping the floor, waste management, time management, making space for the upcoming baby....... 

I'm filled to the brim... Mentally and emotionally.. I've been thinking about whether or not I should just take medication for my mental health issues.. Thinking that maybe it will at least help me with my executive dysfunction. Coz if I'm honest, I think these things that get me worn out are normal stuff humans should be able to do or at least get help with. And that's one of my main issues; I don't ask for help. Like it just doesn't exist in my operating system to actively go and ask for help. 

I woke up at 8AM today - later than my usual 7-ish coz, well, pregnant, inconsistent sleep patterns.. I did my morning routines as usual but didn't have time to do my morning exercise and meditation coz I had to do chores, chores that I normally asked the kids to do - they're 13, 10 and 6 now, totally capable of doing the simpler chores like sweeping, hanging the laundry, folding them, washing the dishes and putting them away. And I have been asking them to do it regularly. The ideal is to get to a point where they have the awareness to do it out of habit, but two years on, I still find myself having to remind them to do it. They're in constant need of motivation to do things, and I'm learning how not to be too hard on them and on myself. Some days tho, when it's less than ideal, we wake up later than usual and I have to rearrange, especially after a long weekend where there's public holidays or other unforeseen change of events, like today. And I would be more lenient, asking them to focus on the lessons instead and I'll do the chores. 

Now it's 12PM and I already have to prepare lunch. That will take about one hour and a half and then we'll have lunch together and then I will already have to go out for my healthcare training till about 7PM...

I haven't even replied to messages and emails at this point... Breathe in, exhale, repeat, soldier on. 

Later then.